stacy was here (and probably spinning....): 08/01/2002 - 09/01/2002
Stacy Was Here :
Back at the Beginning
Saturday, August 31, 2002
So week one has come and gone, and it's strange. I always figured Chatham was a challenging school and all, but after going through the first week of the English courses here, I'm finding myself probably a bit more prepared than my classmates, so bonus on that. It's kind of strange how well my professors match their subjects. My history teacher wears these black shoes with a small wedge heel and her hair up in the same bun every day. She's regimental, much like one pictures history. My Anthro prof is laid back and meandering, reflective, inquisitive... very Anthropological, I guess. And my English profs are all about stimulating dialogue, asking questions, tearing answers apart for meaning, and putting them back together in another way.
The roomie situation has evened a bit, and some things have been cleared up that make a big difference, so the situation is not nearly so dire at this point. But I am still dying for Wendy to be here. I swear in some way she's like the twin I didn't know existed. I miss having someone shudder when I sing "High Enough" in that 80's stadium rock style, or digging in their backpack for a cold can of pepsi... or just sitting on the floor beside my chair and putting their head on my knee. But in the interest of her liking it here, I am slowly working "woot" into the vocabulary of everyone I meet.
And now, some random thoughts going through my head at 2am when I can't sleep...
Is it irrational to want a lizard just because I'm allowed by the school to have one?
Drawing rings on arrows with a sharpie will induce headaches.
It is possible to fry beef stew.
How is it possible that everywhere I walk on this campus is uphill, no matter what direction I'm going in?
Am I really the only person in this dorm complex who doesn't smoke pot?
Does the fact that I know all the words from Nightmare Before Christmas say more about my personality than I'm ready to admit?
321 Contact should still be on TV, dammit. I miss MathNet.
At some point this weekend, I will consume a salad.
How can someone not like Frankenweenie?
I cleaned my room/unpacked more. Any bets as to how long it'll last?
I have a column of postcards on my wall. Send me postcards so I can make another column.
Thank you, I believe I am finally tired, that will be all.
So since I posted last, things have changed, or really just one thing has changed that is making me really, really miserable. It's the roommates. They're all nice girls I guess, but I really don't fit in with them, and so I'm starting to feel like a leper in my own apartment. Severiously uncool. This puts even more motivation on me to get a job and an apartment asap so that Wendy can come out here and we can be un-miserable together. Right now they're not here, so thats a bonus, I can get some stuff done without having to deal with them. I think the sources of my ostracism are the following: a) I don't drink beer on a regular basis. b) I do not smoke pot, nor do I care to have it smoked around me. c) I'm not all about bonding; just because we live together doesn't mean I want to be best friends. d) one of the roomies, the one I dislike the most, is from south O.C., and d00d, I could tell this before she told me. If you live in socal, you know what I mean. She's rather fond of giving me dirty looks, so naturally *dons sarcasm hat* maturity reigns supreme.
I've heard it's hard to find a job in Arcata, but I figure I'll prolly look mostly in Eureka. The fact that I'm used to driving a lot will probably work in my favor as there seem to be more jobs and apartments in Eureka than in this little town. My game plan is to secure gainful employment, and then open a checking account (hopefully. was unsuccessful at this over the summer for various reasons.) Once I have accomplished this, I will go to a rental agency here in town, and talk to them about my situation/plans. Hopefully they'll be able to give me some guidance i.e. how to go about the timing of giving notice of vacating the residence halls, and how much money needs to be accumulated/saved, and all that good stuff. My current goal is to get the hell out of dodge asap, hopefully by October.
So tomorrow at dawn I'm going out to seak gainful employment. Thank everything holy up there that I got my printer working so I can print my resume without paying sevent cents a page. And everyone pull for me that I get a decent paying job quick so that I can get out of here.
so here I am at Humboldt, and I must say that this is quite possibly the most ideal place for me to be right now... dunno if I'll stay here forever though I must say that I'm sensing no internal aversion to that possibility, but who knows what can happen in a few months or years? or even just a few short weeks ;)
this place is probably about as close to a utopia as I've ever seen. people here are friendly and seem to take pride in their roles in the community. there isn't a lot of stress or hurry to be found. the drinking water is cleaner than bottled water. the cafeteria is fabulous, especially the salad bar. we accidently left the front door of my car open and left for an hour with my moms cell phone sitting right on the seat... we came back and it was still there. I registered for classes and am happy with my schedule, which includes intro to english major, practical crit, cultural anthropology, western civ, and archery. my roommate has dreadlocks. there's a redwood forest within spitting distance of my bedroom window. so yeah, suffice it to say I think I'll be happy here.
I do really really miss all my chatham people. I miss Meigan tons, and I miss Wendy tons too and hope I can find an apartment asap so she can come out here. this is a great place to start my army of minions. so y'all better get ready for the propaganda to start flowing, because it's only a matter of time now....
it's 6:33 am, and I may well be delerious. I got my new Humboldt email set up, but I can't remember the numbers that come after my initials, so no ones getting it just yet. I haven't gone to bed, and my body is starting to rebel in the worst way, so I figured I'd sit down for a blog break, but my eyes are blurry so if there are typos I cannot tell. I'm still packing. There's not going to be enough room in my car for everything unless magickal elves swoop down from the skies and temporarily shrink all my stuff. The big problem is clothes, and the fact that I have to many, which is why I'm leaving half of them here. I might break down and take my monitor and tv out of the boxes since they're just going to be in the backseat of my car anyway, and if I take the boxes I'm going to have to figure out where in the hell to store the styrfoam thingies that go in the boxes. I'm on load two of five loads of laundry. Amazingly enough, I only caved in enough to have one can of pepsi. I miss Wendy, who is somewhere in London right now with the man of her dreams. Wish the man of my dreams would get here ;) This has been an interesting summer. I've decided I want to avoid home as much as possible this year. I remembered why I had to leave in the first place. I can't wait to take archery classes so I can be like robin hood, but a girl. I love being a girl. Right now I hate being a girl. Maybe if I just sit for a little while longer my body will behave and I can cease the damn flashbacks already. I wish it was a week from now already. Or even tomorrow at this time when I will be four hours beyond LA, beyond this effing house, and that much closer to November. My mom bitched at me for procrastinating, but lets face facts now, thats what I do. Why does my car seem really big when I'm parallel parking, but incredibly small when I need to cram just one more duffel bag into it? I wish they really were duffel bags and not the stupid rolling bags that don't squish into corners. I wish I could trade off driving with someone instead of having to drive for 12 straight hours. At least Michelle will help keep me awake. I see red bull in my future. I'm nervous about starting school. What if Chatham really was a year round summer camp? Guess I'll find out soon enough. I can't believe everything thats happened this summer. I can't even believe everything that's happened in the past two weeks. Not that I'm experiencing disbelief, it's just that at the moment everything looks like a dream sequence to me. Did you know your own body can inflict pain on itself? It's funny how early this summer I travelled 2500 miles by car, and it felt like a long time but didn't. And now I'm going to travel 500 miles by car, and it seems like it's going to feel twice as far. My grandmother is creeping through the house already, her feet shuffeling eerily as they always do, and it make my flesh crawl as it always does. So today me and Michelle were driving and listening to the shitty 80's new wave music that I love so much, and dancing like big dorks. She's been teasing me because I smile so much now. Did you know I'm smiling because of you? We got home, and I talked to Wendy and (by proxy) Andy. They are such goobers, but it's so cute I can't even stand it. I wonder whose face he's wearing today. I'm thinking I should maybe eat something because I've been up for so long and it was nearly 12 hours ago that I last ate, but technically there's no meal between dinner and breakfast, and I'm not even sure if I'm hungry, or even what I'd eat if I was. You know whats irritating? That the washing machine takes like 20 minutes, but the dryer takes almost an hour. Bugger that. So I've been wondering how many more times in my life I'm going to uproot myself like this, or if I'll ever be in a place that really makes sense to me. I guess if I knew that, I'd be going there, wouldn't I? Sometimes it feels like I'm lost and waiting for something to make sense. Kind of like I'm just wandering aimlessly around trying to figure things out that someone else understood way before me. Did you know I was lost until you found me? I know I've been up too long because everything is blurry and I'm starting to think really ludicrous things... Like what if there's really a finite amount of possible songs that can be written, and one day they're all used up and no new music can ever be made. Like only a certain number of arrangements of notes. And no I haven't been drinking or doing any kind of drugs. Long live the sitchy bisterhood. You know that my aversion to everything this house stands for has stretched so far that I actually enjoy throwing things away now, even if they're not really trash? Like cleaning out my car and throwing things away just because I don't want them and will never use them, was really really satisfying somehow. Of course, the old bat places higher priority and meaning on material things than family, or she wouldn't have let him touch her child. I think I hate her because she's not sorry. I think I need to slieep for like an hour.
It started when a school mate of my sisters (not a real one, one that seemingly exists soley in my dream) was attacked by a shark and killed. They decided to have a memorial service on a boat near where he was attacked, and the family and friends were going to show their solidarity by swimming in the water which was full of sharks. And my sister was going to do it as well, so I spent the whole time trying to keep her away from the water. One part of the boat was like a catamaran, very unsturdy and down near the water, and it seemed she kept perching there, leaning precariously near the water. And I was asleep in my dream, dreaming that she was in the water as great white sharks swam ghostlike around her. So I woke up and screamed and pulled her away from the edge. We sat near where my mom was, but she got up and some woman dove into her seat, so I started yelling at this woman, and went to find two seats for my sister and I. Eventually Amie came up voluntarily and laid with her head on my shoulder, and she stayed away from the water.
**so I had lunch with SWHS today, which was nice. we chatted about life, school, recent drama, and our social lives (or lack their of.) came upon a topic that my mom and I discussed a long time ago. it was a few years ago, and it came up that a guy she was dating said "I love you" and she told him to shut up. I didn't understand it then, but I do now, and it dawned on me while SWHS and I were talking. those words don't mean anything unless you believe it when you hear it. the last guy she dated said it after they'd been dating for three weeks. uhm... three weeks? yikes... maybe it's a sign of maturity to think of those words as a turn off until they're completely and irrevocably true...
**been procrastinating really bad and now I've not got much time to pack really... need to start doing that, so if you read this and we chat, bug me to get it done.
**must... find.... apartment... I'm going into Wendy withdrawls.... *sigh*
So, last night I went over to _____'s house. _______ was there, who we haven't seen in months, so the three of us got together for a little _______ and catching up. _____ had let _______ and her boyfriend _______ stay for the weekend because they needed a place to crash. This dastardly duo have been the cause of much eye-rolling and ________ on my part in the past. So _______ and her boyfriend ________ stayed in one living room, and the rest of us played ________ Jenga in the den. ________ was feeling a little frisky, so she called _______ and asked him to come over. They ended up __________ in her room, which caused ________ some major cerebral dissonance, so he left, and I stayed the night. The next day I left and _____ went to the _____ to work out. When she got back to her house, the horrible ones were there and yelled at her for inviting me and _______ over because they don't get along with us, and also for _______ __________ in her room. ______ told them to get out of her house, but they wouldn't. So she called Whittiers finest __________ them out. Drama Drama Drama!!!!!
Later that same day...
Went to the African Village Music Festival with Phug... was fun, but I ended up with a screaming headache from lack of sleep. I'm looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow morning... oh wait, thats right, I can't sleep in because my grandmother is evil. Blah... I can't wait to leave.
So in two weeks I leave for Humboldt, and the summer will be over. Some ruminations?
** I left here in the first place for very good reasons. After nine months without seeing my family, I never fail to forget those reasons, but any amount of time at home jars my memory quite effectively. I don't belong here, in this house. I can't, unless life really means for me to be miserable all the time.
** I really hate not being productive. Granted, I've had ample time to do something with this summer, but I can't seem to get motivated here. I can't wait to get back into school and dive into things.
** I really think I'm going to make a good college professor, and I'll explain why. See, a lot of people become teachers because they want to inspire and teach, and I have a ton of respect for that, and thats part of my reasoning too. But more than that, the reason that I want to teach college is that I want to keep learning, especially from my students. Literary analysis has changed so much over the years from the constant exposure to new ideas, and so I hope that my horizons will be continually broadened by the young minds I will come into contact with over the years. I will never be a parrot professor expecting a regurgitation of my teachings. I would much rather encourage my students to disagree with me, or present new opinions that I would never have thought of myself. And I think that that's part of what is lacking from some classrooms, and what has inspired me about the professors I had at Chatham. My academic upbringing, if you will, from Dr. Adam, Dr. Lenz, and Dr. Dickson-Bruckner has led me to see the classroom and my field as the breeding ground for new and challenging ideas, and that is what I find most exciting about the prospect of teaching college.
** I really freaking miss Wendy. And yes, if you're one of my California friends (or even my PA friends), I know you're probably sick to death of hearing "wendy this" and "wendy that" all summer, but I can't help it. She lived in my cubby for 5 months, listening to me bitch and whine about my life, diving off my bed on occasion, and just generally filling my days with laughter and companionship and I miss that.
** I am a total California girl. Now that my health is improving to better than it was in high school, I am aching to get my hands dirty learning to do new things. I want to start surfing again, take lessons at school, and take advantage of all the opportunities I'm going to have this year. I want to learn to kayak and canoe, I want to go camping all the time. My mom might even let me take some of the camping stuff with me, which will be fabulous, and whatever she doesn't, I can slowly accumulate or rent from my school. I love the ocean, I love the redwoods, I love my state. I love the way you can never dream to big in California. I love the way the ocean breeze blows through my hair, the sound of waves crashing on the beach, the feel of cool sand between my toes, the sight of dolphins swimming just a ways off shore. I love knowing that the very edge of a continent is right in my backyard, and that I can go down to the beach and stare off into forever. I love the idea of getting onto a surfboard and dancing with the waves, knowing the same wave could kill me or make me fly, depending on ocean conditions. I love being able to drive beside the ocean and know that every single inch of coastline is different, unique. I am California and California is me. No matter where I end up living, this state will always live in my center.
** I really hate the history of my family, the way it's wrapped up in lies and secrets. And when I'm here it really eats away at me. But the one thing that keeps me sane is the knowledge that I don't have to carry it forward. If I marry, if I have kids, I can use my experiences to have a happier, healthier family life, for me and my loved ones. I value honesty and truth so much because it's always been somewhat elusive to a certain degree. My mom has never lied to me, and I will follow her example and leave all this crap behind. Hopefully, when my grandmother passes, it will all pass with her, and cease to haunt us all the same way.
** I like this design, but I'm already thinking about others. I'm keeping the templates around, and I'm sure I'll use them all in turn. I want to be able to change more often, not get stuck in the same layout for very long. And now that I've been experimenting with photoshop and dreamweaver, well, maybe I'll get better at it as I go along.
** Is it just me, or have there been a lot of kidnappings on the news lately? I'm inclined to think that they're just covering it better, and not that there's actually been an increase. See, California just implimented something called the "Amber Alert System", which is a network of signs on freeways and media contacts and police and such so that the instant a kidnapping is reported, every bit of releasable info is broadcasted everywhere... on the news, to all different police districts, on these freeway signs, on the radio, you name it. So in a way, it employs every man woman and child in the state to look for the missing person. Two teenagers were abducted early yesterday morning (1 a.m.) and the girls were found less than 12 hours later, safe (although assaulted), because of the Amber Alerts. I'm all for this. With the speed of information thats possible these days, there's no reason we shouldn't be able to find people faster. I just hope that people don't get desensitized to these types of crimes. In a way, I think it will build a feeling of community by allowing people to have a hand in keeping their friends and neighbors safe. Hopefully this will limit the diffusion of responsibility, so that people will realize that in some ways, we are all responsible for looking after one another.
bah. my mind is a blank now, though I'll prolly write more later.