stacy was here (and probably spinning....)

So, it's uh... been a while.

2010-02-21T13:37:00.000-08:00

So, yeah. There's a funny thing about major life changes, in particular the ending of a relationship like the one I had before. Life goes into major flux for a long time, and you start to feel like there are times when it's not appropriate to make yourself entirely public about them all the time. Maybe respect for the other persons feeling, maybe because you feel like you need a little time to hide and reinvent yourself a bit, or just to get your two feet back on the floor beneath you so that you can evaluate better what you want to say and who you even are anymore.

It's been more than a year now since Chris and I split, and I'm not going to go into detail at all, but it's getting to a point where I think we might be able to be friends one of these days. This has turned out to be important to me, which was surprising because I really thought I wouldn't be able to be his friend, and now I really want to. He still has the qualities that made me like him in the beginning, and it's not like he ever really did anything awful aside from the fact that we just didn't make one another happy. We should have only ever been friends, from day one. The stupid thing was thinking it should be more than that, but it was a mistake we both participated in, and you live and you learn. Point is, when the dust settles, I hope we can be friends or at least not growl when we think of one another. We don't talk much, but from when I *have* talked to him, it seems like he's moving on with his life, just as I've been moving on with mine, and he says that he's happy, which I wholeheartedly hope to be true.

And as for me, I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man who makes me very happy and is suited to me so well that I would scarcely have thought to imagine him. He loves doing crafty things together, going to debates together, discussing science together, all the nerd-tacular things that I love to do. We are great friends, but also ridiculously excited about one another. I am enjoying myself immensely, but I am mindful of the tendencies I have that tend to hurt others, and I am trying to master them (though I know this will be a life-long effort.) We've been together 9 months now, and I am happy.

In short, things are well with me. There are loads of things I could post about right now, but one post is enough at the moment.

update, sort of, and the friday5

2009-05-30T11:45:00.001-07:00

So this last week, my mom and I flew back to NY, rented a U-Haul, filled it with my stuff, and drove back to CA in it. I am tired, and it turns out I have way too much shit, go figure. But still, it's good to have my guitar and my cello back, my spinning wheel, and just generally to feel like this thing is one step closer to done with. Sometimes you think you want something to be a certain way, and then when it turns out to be that way you find that it wasn't what you wanted at all.

We got to stop and visit with Phug, which was awesome because I haven't seen him in months and months, and plus Michigan is pretty when its not covered in snow, and when you don't have to go outside with the bugs much. That was undoubtedly the highlight of the trip.

Also, there's a cool museum thing in Kearny, Nebraska (pronounced "carnie", as in "small hands, smell like cabbage"). From the outside it looks like a bridge to nowhere over a pretty uninteresting part of highway 80, but it's actually really damn cool on the inside. If you're ever driving across the country, you should check it out.

Ended up bringing Falkor back because she was literally dying. She has a terrible mouth infection (mouth rot or stomatitis), and it was messing up her eyes and even errupted out of her little face :( She couldn't see, so she couldn't eat, and she had wasted down to less than half of her former self. So we loaded her up, and took her to a vet in Michigan (thanks to the overwhelming generosity of Phug, who probably saved her life singlehandedly), and now she's on meds and I am nursing her back to robusticity using this stuff called Repta-aid, which is like reptile baby formula. She's being a model patient, eating and taking her medicine very well, better than I had anticipated, and I think I'm seeing marked improvement. Here she is soaking in an ice bucket at one of the hotels we stopped at:

So now we are back, I am wading through a see of crap (even though most of it is still in the UHaul, there's already waaay too much stuff in my room.) Time to reassemble my life, once again.

Also, friday5:

What is the longest you’ve gone between haircuts?
Like professional haircuts? Or self inflicted? If the former, I've gone years. If the latter, probably months at a time.

What is the shortest hour of the day?
Any hour spent doing fun things, or the hours after you get out of working.

What is the longest line you’ve ever stood in?
Not sure, but I imagine Disneyland or the DMV were involved, somehow.

Who’s your shortest adult friend?
hmmm... I don't think most of my friends are short, but maybe my moms friend Carol

Who among your current friends have you known the longest?
Lets see: Michelle and Phug I've known since junior high, which would be about 17 years now.

friday5

2009-05-23T02:52:00.000-07:00

What kind of out-of-school lessons did you take as a kid?
piano, ballet, tap, jazz, drama, ice skating

What valuable lesson did you learn this past week?
that sometimes its ok to be a little bit crazy

Who in your life really needs to be taught a lesson?
I can think of a few people... namely, that if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. especially to your friends.

What kinds of lessons would you love to have a private teacher for right now?
cello, guitar, electric bass

What steps have you taken to lessen the impact of these rough economic times?
I try not to spend anything. it's easy when you have nothing to spend.

Also, leaving for Buffalo in about 4 hours to go get all my worldly posessions and bring them back here. Wish me luck, I'm going to try and take pictures along the way.

I should start calling this the Saturday 5, at this rate...

2009-05-16T16:21:00.000-07:00

Which of your friends is the most frugal?
All of us, because we are broke.

Which of your friends is the biggest spendthrift?
Is anyone a spendthrift right now? I had a friend who was sometimes, but I don't think we're friends anymore.

Which of your friends is the most daring?
Michelle M

Which of your friends is the most cautious?
hmmm... Tully, maybe?

Which of your friends has the hottest temper?
probably me, or if not me then Chels

friday5, late as usual

2009-05-10T13:17:00.000-07:00

What’s your favorite card game?
probably Apples to Apples, or pyramid solitaire

What’s your favorite roll-the-dice-and-move game?
hmmm... probably Monopoly

What’s your favorite playground game?
hide and go seek

What’s your favorite party game?
hmm... probably Apples to Apples again, lol

What’s your favorite computer game?
Minesweeper, and then Age of Empires

also:

2009-05-05T03:03:00.000-07:00

My domain name will be expiring soon, and I am too broke to renew it, so if you can't get here using stacywashere.com, you can get here using: http://isleofavalon.blogspot.com.

friday5, fashionably late

2009-05-05T02:50:00.000-07:00

On May First, 1738, King Kamehameha I was born. What are your impressions of Hawaii?
It looks like an amazing place to visit; also, theres a primate sanctuary there where I'd love to volunteer, and live in a yurt on Maui looking after monkeys.

On May First, 1873, Dr. David Livingstone died. When did you last presume something erroneous about someone or something?
hmmm... usually my instincts are pretty spot on, at least, when I listen to them.

On May First, 1876, Mozart’s The Marriage of Figaro debuted. How do you feel about Disney’s animated classic Pinocchio?
not my favorite Disney movie, actually.

May First is Walpurgis Night in Sweden and other parts of northern Europe. When did you last sing in front of an audience?
Thursday. I sing in front of people as often as I can, I love it.

Me First and the Gimme Gimmes are a punk rock cover band. What song’scover version do you like better than its original version?
hmmm... probably when the guy from the Eels did a cover of "Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover". Seriously, it's awesome. Also? Me First and the Gimme Gimmes remind me of Michelle and my time at Chatham.

================================

Not willing to reveal the details, but can I just say that, unemployment and living at home at close to 30 notwithstanding, my life is really awesome right now? And it may soon be getting awesomer? Someone pinch me, because I'm starting to get jealous. Of myself.

todays friday5

2009-04-24T11:56:00.000-07:00

What’s the most annoying sound in the world?
my grandmother, screaming my name. or breathing. this happens often, unfortunately.

Which of other people’s mannerisms do you find very annoying?
I actually can't think of anything... maybe when someone acts bored.

What do you do that really annoys others?
not sure, anyone want to chime in on this?

In what way has your own behavior recently caused you annoyance?
I have a tendency to show my hand too easily, I think.

Who’s the most annoying person you know?
see question 1.

2009-04-23T16:38:00.001-07:00

Here's an old, extra friday5 I missed, for Andrew, and because these posts seem to make up the bulk of what I've written here lately.

What are you looking for?
excitement, fulfillment, fun, adventure, passion

What are you waiting for?
nothing. well, maybe one thing, but we'll see if I'm willing to wait long.

What is someone else waiting for from you?
not sure... maybe for me to yield in the power struggle, but I don't know if that's going to happen.

You know you have a long wait ahead of you at the doctor. What do you bring?
knitting, most likely

Where can you expect always to wait in a ridiculously long line?
the DMV, LA freeways, and Disneyland on a Saturday afternoon.

friday 5, obnoxiously late, for Andrew

2009-04-22T04:10:00.000-07:00

When did you last sleep in a tent?
Last time I went camping which was.... apparently waaay too long ago. :(

What comes to mind when you think about relieving yourself in the great outdoors?
um, the time I walked out of a stall and in front of a mirror to find a gigantic grasshopper on my shoulder and screamed like a little girl for like 10 minutes. Awesome.

Where’s the best place you ever went camping?
I love to go camping in Big Sur, it's my favorite.

What’s your favorite camp food?
the burritos my mom makes. My mom is awesome.

What’s your sleeping bag like?
Pretty standard, really. Nothing too fancy.

Friday 5

2009-04-10T19:39:00.000-07:00

What’s something you know how to draw?
I can draw a rose and an apple pretty well...
Who’s someone you could get away with impersonating?
I've been told I look like the girl who played Red Ridinghood in Into the Woods...
Where’s the stapler?
Ask Milton.
Why will this be a great weekend?
Not sure yet, ask me on Monday.
When are you going to make that phone call you’ve been putting off?
hmmmm... can't think of any phone calls I've been putting off, actually. Other conversations, however, coming soon to a coffee house near you.

cryptic

2009-04-09T13:20:00.001-07:00

Been working on something awesome lately, but I don't want to jinx myself, so I'm not talking about it. That is all.

late for the friday 5 again, tsk tsk...

2009-04-04T16:37:00.001-07:00

What is your favorite fizzy, bubbly drink?
Hmmm... depends on what sort of mood I'm in. I've cut out soda again, so thats out, but a sloe gin fiz is pretty good.
What is your favorite deep-fried food?
chimichangas.
What is your favorite hot beverage?
orange peach tea from tetley (yes, I'm that specific), or hot cocoa or mocha with bailey's in it :)
What is your favorite really messy food?
hmmm... can't think of anything for this one, sadly.
What is your favorite recipe for a blended or mixed beverage?
hmmm... vanilla ice cream with bailey's and vodka and some chocolate syrup.

2 parts boredom, 5 parts hairspray

2009-04-01T22:28:00.001-07:00

mp3's

2009-03-30T23:56:00.000-07:00

I got some new mp3's of me singing at karaoke, if anyone wants them. Either email me (shadowmousey at gmail dot com), or leave me a comment with your email addy.

the loooong weekend

2009-03-30T14:12:00.000-07:00

So this weekend I went to my sisters cheer competition. This was the nationals level, so pretty intense for her, with a lot of high-caliber performances. Some not so high caliber performances as well, but at any rate you have to be pretty good to compete at this level, and I'm proud of her and the other girls for making it so far. Two groups (both freshman groups) from Cal won their divisions and are national champions. Two other groups (varsity song intermediate and crowdleading) made it to the finals and got 2nd and 4th, respectively. Didn't take a lot of pictures, but I couldn't pass up the mascot heads laying around like hunting trophys:

And here is a photo from the middle of the first crowdleading performance, before they made finals. I didn't take any pics from the second performance because I was far too busy screaming along with them and watching them all go.

Most of the time I was busy up in the seats knitting and doing a bit of good-natured shit talking on the other teams, providing some much needed comic relief for a lot of very tired cheer moms and dads. Plus some of the other teams were bastards and totally deserved it. Just saying. I got a lot done on Louisa... here's a pic from earlier on in the weekend....

And here it is this morning. I transitioned to the smaller needles, at which point I was able to try it on, only to find out it's about 4 inches too big on me. Majorly bummed about that, though of course my mom is very cheerful because it means she'll get to have it when it's finished. We might get me more of the yarn (in a different color, I think, this one is getting old for me at this point) so that I can make myself another in a smaller size. Good thing is that this pattern has 5 sizes, and I will be making the second smallest for myself, which is a bit of an ego boost. I may have lost a significant amount of weight, but I still, in my head, feel like I'm the same size I was two years ago.... that means I overestimate when I chose sizes in patterns, and also probably that my mom is destined to inherit more knitted items from me at some point.

This weekend was also the huge parking lot yarn sale from Newton's, which I am told happens twice a year, and me and my mom made out like bandits. It's a little daunting, because most of the yarn isn't labled, so I have no idea what most of it is actually made from, but we figure if we dry clean everything it should be safe, and it's all so lovely that we couldn't pass it up. Here is my haul:

This is a lovely salmon colored yarn, I think theres probably some cotton and nylon in it, just to judge by the feel of it. Half of it is barber-pole with a slightly darker color, and half of it is just single colored... not sure how thats actually distributed in the skein, yet, but we'll see when I wind it into a ball.

Here is a giant pile of cream-colored cotton mystery blend. There is a ton of this, 3 giant skeins, but I figure I can make a few different things from it and it might be good for dying. I might make this with it, if I can get the right gauge.

This stuff is cotton sock yarn, and it was seriously $1 a skein. Might dye it before I knit with it, but I'm not sure yet.

This is a grey-blue cotton yarn, no idea yet what it will be.

And this is a total mystery to me, fiber wise, but it's a gorgeous tourquoise/blue and bronze barber pole kind of yarn, and I am a fool when it comes to blues mixed with gold or bronze, not sure why. I don't have a flying clue what I'm going to do with it, it's pretty thin (maybe sock weight, perhaps), and I got three skeins of it because it's so lovely. Here's the best part. I got, what, reasonably a years worth of yarn here to knit with, seriously a trash bag full of the stuff, and it came to $25, of which we were only charged $20. Seriously, ONE of these skeins would cost that much, conservatively. My mom also got a trashbag full, which maybe I'll take pictures of later.

We also went to Downtown Disney and went to BASIN, which is one of my favorite places. They have the most delicious bath and body stuff, and they make these grab bags that cost $10 but contain at least $25 worth of their stuff. I did the math on mine and I think there's at least $35 worth of stuff in it, and it all smells glorious and I can't wait to use it. What can I say, for the most part I'm low maintenance, but I am still a girly girl, and I still love things that smell nice and feel good. Can't wait to have a use for the massage bar, lol.

With all the picture taking, Franny was a bit jealous, especially since she missed me all weekend, so I got a picture of her:

And here's one of her from before I left. She likes to sit at the window and wait for this ginger cat to come by, and then she stands at the door and they just sort of watch each other for a while. I think I heard him last week and it sounded like he was in heat. Maybe they have a thing going on?

Also, because I missed it, here is the Fridy5.

To whom do you normally turn when you need to complain about something?
Depends, and at the moment my people to turn to list is shorter than I thought it would be at this point... Usually my mom, Jen or Chels. I talk to Michelle a lot, too, but she's got enough to worry about and I usually just suck it up when I think about how much more crap she has to deal with than me.
Which annual season-turning do you enjoy the most?
I love the transition into autumn, and then autum into winter. I've always loved the dark part of the year best, especially when in Califonia when it cools off a bit. When I lived back east, I love the first few bits of spring coming out, until the allergies kicked in.
Where can you get a really good turnover?
Not sure as I don't really go for them much... I'm sure I could make a good one, though.
What’s employee turnover like where you work?
I don't have a job yet :(
One of the Wonder Twins could turn into any form of water, while the other could turn into any animal. Which of these powers would be more useful to you?
I would want to be able to turn into an animal, especially one that could fly (most likely an owl, which will surprise no one.)

weekend: brief synopsis

2009-03-29T21:16:00.001-07:00

Spent the weekend with the family at my sisters cheer competition. Stole away to massive yarn sale, made out like a bandit.

Bad things: Sweater I am knitting is too big for me :( so it's going to my mom, sister's team got ripped off by dumbass judges, heard waaaaay too much crappy music (and especially don't ever want to listen to lady gaga again.)

Good things: Got a metric shit load of yarn at the yarn sale, at least got a lot done on the sweater which is too big for me, hung out with mom and sister, and provided comic relief free of charge to cheer moms.

More later, when I've had a chance to upload pictures and write more coherently.

brain buzz

2009-03-26T03:01:00.000-07:00

* I hate laundry. Seriously hate it.

* It's weird how liberating everything has really been for me. You truck along so faithfully under the weight of a delusion, and you don't notice you're suffering because it creeps over you so slowly. Everything feels better now, my mind, my heart, my health. I think I was depressed for a long time, and I know I was terminally lonely for a long time. It's amazing how what you thought would be happily ever after can turn into an emotional prison. If I'm going to be lonely, though, I'd rather be lonely alone, if that makes any sense. If not, it's 3am, so shoot me.

* I think I have body image issues. I've lost 60 lbs in the last few years, but I still think of myself as being the same as I was before, and I'm clearly not. Someone at the knitting group, someone whom I've always put squarely in the "thinner than me" group, tried on my Liesl sweater tonight and it fit her roughly the same as it did me, and I had a total Holy. Crap. moment. It was a little surreal. I wonder if it will ever go away? When I get to my goal weight, will I still feel like that fat kid who got picked last for every team?

* I should probably not watch schmultzy romance movies late at night. We'll call that gremlin rule #1 for me.

* Also: Gerald Butler is hott. With two t's. Just saying.

* Also also: you know what I really really dig? When a guy has intensity in his eyes. I know it's a shit indicator of overall anything, but seriously, I want to be looked at that way. I'm doing a crap job of explaining it because it's 3am and I've been up for nearly 24 hours, but you know when you catch someones expression and they've got a slightly wild glint in their eyes, like they know something you don't know, or like their intentions are not entirely honorable? I think my life could use a slight bit of mischief right about now...

* Also^3: My shoulders and back have been hurting, and as such I am in dire need of a back massage. "Dire need" might be a slight exaggeration, but I'd really really like one.

* Also version 4.0: I got chatted up the other night when I went to a Druid equinox ritual. I'm doing better at realizing these things as they happen, but I think it was still about 8 minutes in when I realized "oh, hey, I'm being chatted up." At least I didn't have to have it pointed out to me after he fact like other times.

Ok, I'm running out of bad numerical configurations of the word "also", so I am going to bed now.

What, you thought I was done knitting?

2009-03-25T13:37:00.000-07:00

Hahahahaha, silly you. I cast on for Louisa, from French Girl Knits, the book I bought for my Satine sweater that can't be knit until I spin up all that alpaca. I can't wait to start knitting, though, and I found a ribbon yarn similar to the one recommended for Louisa (which was the other sweater in the book that I am majorly lusting after), so I cast on for it the other night.

Here is the yarn, it's Trendsetter's Love (which I suspect is discontinued, a) because I got it at Tuesday Morning, which is where I got the angora yarn for Liesl, and b) because I can't find it for sale anywhere online to link to.) It doesn't look too promising in the ball, at least not for a sweater, because it's novelty yarn, and I thought maybe it would make a neat scarf, but holy shit the stitch definition is actually really good, so I went back for more to make Louisa out of.

I love the color scheme, it reminds me of working at Disneyland in New Orleans Square, and the color complexity is rich (and therefor hard to capture well in a photo.) The pattern is working up quickly, probably because its on size 13s, so it looks like I've entered a trend with my knitting (big needles, big lace patterns.) Don't mind, though, because these patterns are dreamy and I can't wait to see how the sweaters turn out. Also, it's the closest thing to instant gratification you can get when knitting a sweater. Woot woot.

Liesl is finished! Well, mostly.

2009-03-25T13:08:00.001-07:00

I finished Liesl in 5 days, and here are a couple pics:

So I still need to crochet around the neckline to reinforce it so it doesn't pull out too wide, and I think I'm going to weave purple ribbong through the crocheted bit to fasten it closed at the top. I'll take more pictures when that's done, but I was too excited to wait to post these.

friday 5, a little late

2009-03-21T01:28:00.000-07:00

Would you say 2009 so far is meeting expectation, exceeding expectations, or failing to meet expectations?
Let's see... so far this year, everything that has happened has been in a way different ball park than what I expected... But you know what? I'm doing way better than I thought I would, so we'll say exceeding expectations.
What letter grade would you give yourself for your performance at work or school?
Not in school, and haven't found a job yet. On the other hand, I'm cheerful and I keep trying, so A for effort.
On a scale from 1 to 10, how happy have you been with the weather so far in 2009?
Seeing as how I've beein in SoCal, pretty pleased, but it has gotten pretty cold out here on the patio, so we'll say an 8.
Which of the Motion Picture Association of America’s film ratings would you give your social life so far in 2009?
Oh lord... G, sadly enough :(
2009’s parents are on the phone and want to know how 2009 can improve its performance. What have been 2009’s areas of strength and what are its areas for growth in the second quarter?
2009 has definitely kept me on my toes, burning down my former existence and seeing a new existence come out of the ashes. 2009 can improve it's performance by giving me the opportunity to work, the perserverence to study for the GRE's, and the courage to keep me seeing the world as my oyster.

from friday5.org

advice

2009-03-20T14:29:00.000-07:00

In my experience, there are certain times or events in your life that cause the people around you to feel they have the right to give you unsolicited advice. I knew that happens at graduations, during pregnancies, and even when you get married. I guess I should have seen it coming, but apparently divorce is one of those times, and I've been getting everything from gently stated, well-meaning advice to out and out rude assertions that, obviously, I have no idea what life is all about and, obviously, everyone else knows better what I should be doing with myself. That, and there are old friends of mine who seem to have forgotten that I exist... even ones who were my friends before I ever met him. I guess it's true what they say, difficult times have a way of showing you who your real friends are.

So, to whoever happens to be reading this, here is my new rule: I am not accepting any more advice from people unless they have a) been married and divorced themselves, and b) have more general life experience than I do. Pay close attention to B, because I may be 29, but I probably have the life experience of someone quite a bit older than that. I guess I should also add C) must be someone I respect. Otherwise, stuff it and just be supportive. Besides, everyone has split into waring factions, from "he's a vile scumbag" to "you obviously didn't try hard enough", from "move on with your life and go have a fling" to "you should be sitting in your room, crying, with a black shroud over your head for at least a year before you even think of liking someone else." So whose crappy advice would I even choose?

On the flip side, of course, is that the two pieces of advice that I have received from people who fit those criteria are my knew guiding themes in life; the first was "don't ever look back", and the second was "take this opportunity to reflect and decide what it is that you really want and need out of a relationship".

So that's what I'm doing right now, trying to define what I want and need, not just out of a relationship, but out of life, too. I know for sure that whoever I end up in a relationship with needs to be able to appreciate everything I am, not just part of it. I like to go camping and hike and get dirty, but I also like museums and theatre and getting a bit fancy from time to time. I like to be looked after, but I can change my own tires and operate heavy machinery on my own, so I don't want to be patronized, either. I want someone I can have great conversations with - especially someone who has their own opinions, no matter whether they're the same opinions as mine. I want someone who will see the world with me, but will also be comfortable curling up on the couch and watching a movie sometimes. Most of all, I want someone who will open up to me, and will let me know whats going on with them, honestly.

On to knitting, (because it always comes back to fiber with me, lol), I started a sweater last night, this one, and I'm already at least a third of the way through it. I love this pattern because it has so many little ways to customize it and make it your own. I'm knitting it with a delicious angora blend from Elsebeth Lavold. It's been discontinued, though, and I can't for the life of me imagine why. It's so soft I just want to sit here petting it for days, and it's knitting up beautifully. Why would they want to disccontinue something so lovely? How is it that the pernicious Fun Fur seems to survive year after year, but this lovely find is going extinct?

Here is Franny darling modeling with the yarn. She's great about not messing with my yarn or knitting implements, but I still miss Zelda, knitting scourge though she was.

I got the yarn at Tuesday Morning, but of course they don't have a very big yarn selection, so there wasn't enough of just the grey to do much with, so I picked up the lone skein of purple and am adding purple stripes to the sweater. Normally I'm not big into stripes, but I'm starting to kind of like the way its turning out.

And here's my progress so far. I can't believe how fast this sweater is knitting up, that represents maybe 2 hours worth of work last night... the size 11 needles help, but at this rate it's going to become my potato chip pattern (i.e., you can't make just one.) Fortunately, there are enough options for changing the sweater along the way, so at least they'll all look different, lol.

new finished object and basic wristband pattern

2009-03-16T15:41:00.000-07:00

So I had some of this homespun spun up, but not a lot of it, so I decided to make myself a wristband with it. I used a simple cable design to showcase the yarn. Here it is after I finished knitting it.

I wet-blocked it (and it took forever to dry, hello wool.) It looks a lot better after blocking, though, no more scrinching up at the sides from the pull of the center cable.

Once it had finished blocking, I attached the button...

et voila, finished wristband:

Here's the basic recipe:

Yarn: about sock weight, not sure on the yardage but it doesn't take a lot.

Needles: I used size 0, which means most people would use a 1 or a 2.

Stitch Instructions:

C6F = slip first 3 sts to cable needle and hold to back, knit next 3 sts, then knit 3 sts on cable needle.

Instructions:

CO 16 sts.

Rows 1 and 3: knit 3, purl 2, knit 6, purl 2, knit 3.

All even rows: knit 5, purl 6, knit 5.

Row 5: knit 3, purl 2, C6F, purl 2, knit 3.

Repeat rows 1-6 until the wrist band can be wrapped around your wrist and overlaps itself by about 1/4".

Place button hole:

When you get to row 5, instead of cabling place button hole as follows: knit 3, purl 2, bind off 6 sts, purl 2, knit 3.

Next row: Knit 5, CO 6 sts, Knit 5.

Finishing:

Next row: knit 3, purl 2, knit 6, purl 2, knit 3.

Knit all sts next 4 rows, then bind off all sts.

Weave in ends, and wet block wrist band.

Once wrist band is blocked and dry, wrap around wrist to determine proper button placement. Sew on button. Ta da!

ETA: the garter stitch along the sides has a shorter row gauge than the cabled center, so in order to make it more even, I added short rows to the sides once for every cable repetition. Starting with row #1 on the second cable repetition, I knit the first three stitches, turned the band, knitted back over them on the opposite side, then turned again and knit them a third time before going on to the purl stitches. when you get to the end of that row, turn and knit the first three stitches of the next row, turn again and knit them back the other way, and then turn again and knit that row as usual, including knitting the first three stitches a third time. If you have any questions about this, feel free to comment or email me. This is an elementary short row technique, and it puts extra rows into the side to compensate for the difference in row gauge.

The Adventure of the Job Fair

2009-03-14T13:16:00.000-07:00

So today I drove out to LA to go to a job fair, hoping to find me some gainful employment. It was advertised on the radio, with the recommendation that you bring copies of your resume, dress in proper business attire, and be prepared to accept a job then and there. Not so much, really. I think there were two, maybe three booths accepting actual resumes, and nearly all of them told me to apply online. If that's the case, why didn't they just send out a big flier telling people where to apply for things? It just seems a bit silly that I drove all that way for information that could have been exchanged easily on a website or mailer.

That said, I'm not upset that I went because it was my first time driving in LA since I got back here, and it really showed me how much of my self I've gotten back in the last month or so. Even before the PTSD episode, I suffered from anxiety for a while, and when I was living up north I found myself having panic attacks when I was down here because of the speed and the number of people and cars everywhere. I'm not sure how it happened, exactly, but somehow my locus of control shifted radically outward, and the result was that I became more fearful of the world in general, feeling much less in control of things. Today was great, though. I mean, no one really enjoys driving on a crowded freeway, but I have definitely reclaimed my inner road warrior.

Being out today, I also saw a *ton* of yard sales, nearly one on every block I passed. I guess it was inevitable that the economic depression would become more and more visible, but it's a bit depressing to see people so desperate for money that they try to sell all of their belongings. I hope things turn around soon.

More spinning... obsessed much?

2009-03-13T22:37:00.000-07:00

So I got my new needles from Paradise Fibers tonight, and it came with free samples of fiber and yarn. First the yarn, Queensland Kathmandu Aran Tweed Yarn...

First off, I love the color and the feel of this yarn. It's way softer than it looks in the picture and has a nice body to it. I would definitely consider using this yarn in the future.

They also sent me a lovely sample of Baby Camel Top in white.

Well, clearly it isn't white, which I knew from the website before I requested it, but I kind of like that it's the natural color of the camel down rather than being bleached. This stuff is gloriously soft, not the softest camel fiber I've ever felt, but still enough to make any spinner drool in envy. It has a rather short staple length, which makes it a bit finicky to spin. I would NOT recommend this for an inexperienced spinner, and after having spun it on a drop spindle, I doubt I would ever try to spin this on the wheel. I have some camel back in NY waiting to be picked up and spun, and it's in clouds rather than top or roving. I thought that was what was making it difficult to spin, and that's part of it, but the other part, as I discovered, was that camel just has a short staple length compared to most of the other things I've spun (chiefly wool and alpaca.) This is not a deal breaker for me, not by any stretch of the imagination. To my mind, it doesn't make sense to drop serious money on a fiber like this and then rush through spinning it on the wheel. But then, I'm obviously a process person rather than a product person.

I overspun it intentionally, as I do with anything I am planning to ply. This made the plying come out very well, and the yarn, which is navajo plied (I tend to navajo ply anything if it's in a small quantity like this.) It is so soft to the touch... not as soft as my tiny bit of cashmere (no big surprise there), and roughtly comparable to the alpaca in softness, though they definitely have their differences. The alpaca is more slippery, which I think is why it feels like I'm stretching it when I spin it. The camel is fluffier, more matte than smooth, so it grips the other fibers slightly better, but if you try to draft it out too much it just separates like clouds pulling apart. I found that if I drafted 1" to 1.5" at a time it stayed together rather well.

Overall, this is a fiber I've been eyeballing for a long time, and I think I will definitely getting more of it at some time in the future.

blaaah

2009-03-13T20:20:00.000-07:00

So I've been spinning the alpaca I have left, and my supply is dwindling... I suppose it's good that I can spin more than an ounce in a week, but I'll feel better when I have more in my hand. It was really warm this afternoon, and spinning it was just about agony spinning it in the heat and it nearly became a sweaty mess in my hand. I finished off the first ounce and wound it onto my specialized equipment:

After that, I navajo plied it into a 3ply. The yarn called for in the pattern, according to Ravelry is 8 wraps to the inch. As you can see, 8 wraps of the alpaca at a 3ply is about a half inch. So I went with my mom to an LYS out here and looked at the recommended yarn, and really it's not any thicker than the 3 ply, so I've knitted a swatch and we'll see how it goes.

Here it is in a tiny little skein :)

I tried to take a picture of the swatch, which is currently blocking, but you can't see it against the dark blue of the carpet, so I'll have to take something clearer when its not pinned down to the floor. At any rate it looks like I'm getting close to the gauge of the sweater pattern, which is good. If anything, though, I might switch to smaller needles because I'm in between sizes and knitting it a little tighter will give me smaller finished sweater.

Here are some pics of my progress in the room... Franny, as you can see, has been helping by holding the bed down. She has also been eating spice.

The shade I got is awesome in a natural green hempy sort of way, but of course thats totally lost against the dinge of the wall *sigh*. Oh well, at least I have a slight bit more privacy than I did before, and now I just have to find something to hang on the door so that I don't have to deal with people walking around in the backyard and looking into my room.

I've accomplished a bit more since that last one was taken, mostly that the crap on top of the entertainment center is now gone and replaced with candles

My dad is also back in the hospital. Apparently his incision was leaking and ended up getting infected, so now they have to do surgery again to replace the mesh in his abdomen, and they're going to take muscle from his leg to help close it up more effectively. Please keep him in your thoughts.

Job fair tomorrow, and other potential job may start on Monday, so hopefully by next week I will be gainfully employed.

The Friday 5

2009-03-13T10:41:00.000-07:00

1) What’s your favorite frozen heat-and-eat food?
In general, I prefer fresh food, but if it has to be frozen, I'm partial to the Marie Calender's frozen dinners. If it's 2 am and I'm returning from a night of adventure (read: I've had a few), I tend to go for frozen tamales, even though they can't hold a candle to Grandpa Eddie's tamales.

2) How sensitive are you to cool temperatures?
Depends... if we're talking "cool" temps, then I'm not usually sensitive to it, although the more weight I lose the easier I've been getting cold... however, I do tend to have a problem with cold with a chance of death type temperatures.

3) How many ice-cube trays are there in your freezer?
None, we just have 2 ice makers that don't work.

4) What aspect of your life seems to be frozen in place?
mainly the job thing, which is keeping everything else frozen... I can't file for divorce until I can afford to pay for it.

5) What’s your favorite blanket like?
I don't really have a favorite blanket, actually... anything thats warm and fluffy, I guess.

via Friday5.org

The Single Life

2009-03-11T22:40:00.000-07:00

So I'm settling in here, getting this room cleaned out more and more and, of course, trying to find a job (while simultaneously hoping the one I'm in line for works out this coming week.) There are several things that I am enjoying about my new life, about being single.

Tonight I went out to the knitting group, and I swear it was almost like being back at Chatham again. We were at a coffee shop, the same one we always meet at, and we were laughing so loud, drawing derisive looks from the other patrons, some of whom were obviously there to study. Seriously, though? Go to a library to study, and stop staring at us. You're just jealous that we're here having such a good time. Also, I apparently make a lot of drug references: I referred to Lorinda as my "fiber pusher", described ska music as "swing music on meth", and said that spinning is like crack. Funny thing is that I've never actually done any illegal drugs. *shrug*

It's just nice to be able to plan my time without regard for anyone... It's not like Chris ever made huge demands on me or anything, but it's different when you can just fill your time without having to think about another person. I'm running a book club and a stitch n' bitch, I'm reading book after book after book, spinning yarn for long periods of time while dancing around like an idiot with iTunes turned up on my laptop. It's basically awesome.

Also, I'm basically turning this room into my own personal little cave of wonder. Once I get it cleaned, I'm putting the loft bed up on craigslist to get it out of here, and then that corner is going to be my library and fiber corner, and will house my yarn/fiber stash and my spinning wheel, along with all my books. I found my old candles and have put them out all over the room because, god, I love candlelight more than I can say. It's not terribly practical, but I don't care.

Right now I'm reading Zinn's A People's History of the United States, which absolutely everyone should read. It's not unbiased, no history text is, but Zinn is absolutely transparent about the lens he's using from the first chapter on, and it balances out the history we're all taught in school, from elementary school onward. I've read part of this before in my US History course, taught by the wonderful Dr. Sterling Evans, one of the best professors I've ever had. Now I'm going back to reread the entire thing from the beginning. It's a fantastic, eye-opening book. I wouldn't say it should be the only book on US History anyone should read, but I think it gives the perspective that is so missing from the standard historical discourse, which I believe was Zinn's intention.

The spinning continues apace, and I've now filled one bobbin (aka a TP tube) with about an ounce of lovely alpaca single. I plied up a bit of it, and while it's not a full worsted weight at 3-ply (about half of the worsted weights thickness, actually), it's very close to the weight of the recommended yarn from the pattern, so I think it'll be a good thickness for the pattern. Even if my gauge is a little smaller than what's recommended in the pattern, I'm actually between two sizes, so I could just make the larger size at a slightly smaller gauge to get a better fit out of it. I ordered the needles, and they should be here soon, maybe even by the end of the week, so then I can knit the little bit I've plied up and see how it's looking (I don't think I have enough navajo plied for a gauge swatch, but it will give me a rough idea.)

All in all, things are going very well for me right now. Hopefully the job thing pans out soon so that I can be gainfully employed and not a damn freeloader anymore.

This is not the post you're looking for...

2009-03-09T00:54:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I guess the retrospective never materialized, but that's largely because today has been an adventure.

Started out with breakfast, but we couldn't just go me and mom, we also ended up with Amie and her 3 friends, so it was a huge production, but it was fun at least.

After that I got home and something crawled into my head and I cleaned most of the day. See, the room I'm now living in is a patio room added to the back of our house, originally intended to be my sisters play room. Even when they still called it a play room, however, it wasn't so much a play room as the island of lost crap. So basically, it's got all of the crap that nobody uses but still doesn't want to deal with. Enter my move home.

I've done my best to shuffle crap all over the place to make more room, and I've been making decent progress, though there's only so much you can do when you're playing tetris with years worth of other peoples crap. So I'm going through it all mercilessly and throwing most of it away, because no one will ever miss it anyway, and because I'm going to need room for books, my cello, my spinning wheel, etc (not to mention my obnoxious yarn and fiber stash, ahem.)

Also, there's an ugly old dresser in here with a paint job so old and worn and effed up that it's no harm no foul, so I'm going to paint something on the front panel (which opens, almost like a desk sort of thing I guess.) If you have any suggestions as to what I should paint on it, please leave a comment, because if left to my own devices it will almost certainly contain some sort of owl. Right now it's only got 2 coats of white (which still have not completely covered the splotchy wear of several past paint colors.)

Blogiversary

2009-03-08T00:23:00.000-08:00

Woohoo, this blog is not officially 8 years old! Maybe I will celebrate with a retrospective of the last 8 years of my life when it's a proper waking hour... Maybe I'll just update with my spinning progress, lol.

poetic ramblings

2009-03-06T22:43:00.000-08:00

Bird

Feathered wings take flight,
soar against the sky of blue.
I still miss you so.

I still remember
your clipped wings recovering
despite the raw wounds.

To me, you were like
a phoenix, flying though they
fought hard to ground you.

When I dream of you,
it is with beating wings and
soaring, joyous heart.

Loss

I can't recall the sound
of your voice, or your laughter.
Nine years you've been gone.

Plans
You don't know yet,
but I've got plans for you.
Plans which involve talking,
laughing,
and possibly rug burn.

the friday 5! my old friend!

2009-03-06T18:54:00.000-08:00

I've been going through my archives lately and found my old amigo, the friday 5, so here goes:

On March 6, 1869, Dmitri Mendeleev presented the first Periodic Table of the Elements to the Russian Chemical Society. What memories do you have of your high-school chemistry course?
My high school chemistry course sucked, therefor I will tell you about the time me and Phug started making up the Periodic Table of Civil Rights Figures. Ah, who could forget good old caesarchavezium?

On March 6, 1899, the Bayer company registered aspirin as a trademark. When did you last take medication for pain?
It's been a while, actually... I think like 2 weeks. WOW. That's just bizarre, and I think it's possibly because I'm awesome.

On March 6, 1853, Giuseppe Verdi’s opera La Traviata premiered in Venice. How do you feel about opera?
I enjoy opera, but I kind of have to be in the mood for it. Actually, I have a video of La Traviata that I taped off of PBS... hmmmm...

On March 6, 1947, American film director Rob Reiner (Meathead!) was born. Which of these Reiner-directed films have you seen, and what do you think of them?
The Bucket List (2007)
Rumor Has It… (2005)
Alex & Emma (2003)
The Story of Us (1999)
Ghosts of Mississippi (1996)
The American President (1995)
North (1994)
A Few Good Men (1992)
Misery (1990)
When Harry Met Sally… (1989)
The Princess Bride (1987)
Stand by Me (1986)
The Sure Thing (1985)
This Is Spinal Tap (1984)
wow... I guess I kind of suck.
On March 6, 1972, American basketball-player Shaquille O’Neal was born. How do you feel about basketball?
Normally sort of indifferent... I like to go see sports live, though, even if it means hearing my mom threaten to inflict bodily injury on a high school kid for rooting for the opposing team whilst seated on our side.

hmmm...

2009-03-06T10:27:00.000-08:00

Ok, so now I'm thinking of being a little naughty and a little crazy and getting more of this delicious alpaca from Lorinda so I can make this with it:

I think it would be exquisite in this yarn, though I'm not sure how many times I'll have to ply it to get the right weight to the yarn... I might just have to use teh math to figure it out, but thats never hard...

Diminished Capacity

2009-03-05T12:31:00.000-08:00

I distinctly remember when this case took place, because it happened very shortly after I first got to New York. Being so close to Canada, we got a lot more of their news stories, though I know this was on international news all over the place because of the gruesome nature of the crime.

I mean, clearly, this man is mentally ill, I don't in any way dispute that, but having gone through the devastation of murder within my circle of friends, I have a bit of a different perspective on this than most people. Having also worked for a law enforcement agency, and having daily come into contact with the mentally ill in various stages of treatment also gives me a bit of mental pause in reading about this case.

Really, what it gets down to, is evaluating what the purpose of incarceration really is. If the purpose of incarcerating a criminal is to rehabilitate them, then yes, this man belongs in a mental health facility. If the purpose of incarceration is to punish him, then I agree that he does not belong in prison, because if it is true that he is schizophrenic, then abnormal dendritic pruning in his brain renders him at least somewhat incapable of assessing the consequences of his actions, or at worst completely unable to distinguish between what's going on in his head and what's going on in reality. If the purpose of incarceration is to protect the public at large, then prison or mental health facility, this man should never, ever be released.

In my experience working with the mentally ill within a law enforcement context, when a person is put into a mental health facility, a course of treatment is begun, usually something will work, and after a while the person comes to function in a more or less normal capacity. However, I can also say that a large proportion of the schizophrenic people I have encountered come to a point where they are functioning so well they begin to believe that they are "cured" and that it would be safe for them to discontinue their medical treatment. The problem is that there is no cure for schizophrenia, it can be managed but no better than that, and once the treatment is discontinued they slide rapidly back into a position where they could potentially be a danger to themselves or to other people.

So even if they send this individual for treatment and it works and he comes to a point where he is mentally stable, that mental stability is not, by any means, guaranteed to be long-lasting. It's a sticky situation. Can you consider him responsible in the same way you would consider a normal person responsible? I don't think so, anymore than you can consider a person with type 1 diabetes responsible for the dysfunction of their pancreas. But the problem is that it is already clearly established that this person presents a substantial risk to the well-being of others, so it's not a responsible position to think that you can treat him and then release him without some sort of consequences. So which is the larger responsibility, the responsibility to protect the rights of the individual, or the responsibility to protect the safety of the community? It's not exactly an easy situation to navigate, and no matter what there is not going to be true, complete justice (if such a thing even exists.)

Alpaaaaaaca

2009-03-05T08:19:00.001-08:00

So I've been pacing the floor waiting to hear about a job for the last few days. I still haven't heard anything yet, so cross your figers for me, the last I heard they were trying to get a hold of my old boss, who is apparently on vacation until Monday.

To comfort me in my angsty waiting period, my mom took pity on me and bought this lovely alpaca fiber for me from Lorinda the Magnificent so that I have something to distract myself with. The nice thing about being a spinner when you are so completely broke is that you pay the same amount of money as you would for the yarn, but it keeps you occupied for longer because you get to spin it first. And it is so effing soft I just want to make a huge pile of it and roll around in it, naked.

I've always thought of drafting as sort of stretching the fibers out, which is inaccurate because you're really just pulling out a small bit of fibers at a time, but this stuff really feels like it's stretching because it's so smooth, and a bit cohesive.

If you recall my first homespun, you will noticed that my spinning has improved immensely in balance, evenness, and thickness. I worked so hard at spinning to be able to spin fine, and now this seems to be the thickness that everything comes out as, even when I try to spin thicker. I guess now if I ever want to do a worsted or bulky yarn I'm going to have to ply 8-10 singles together to get there, LoL.

It's turning out this lovely, gunmetal grey color, and I think when I'm don't spinning it, I'll ply it either 2 or 3-ply and make a smoke ring out of it, something like this or this.

My homemade spindles are spinning very well, which is exciting :) It's amazing how easy it is to make them well-balanced with the drill press, especially since the first one I made, without the drill press, required an ocean's age worth of sanding to get it to spin decently. These new ones will spin for ages and ages, leading me to finally try actually dropping the spindle. It's hard, because you feel like you're losing control of the process, but it works pretty smoothly as long as you've got the drafting process down, and as long as you pay attention to what you're doing. I miss my wheel like crazy, but if anything I'm glad that I've been forced to go back to the spindle so that I could refine my technique a bit. I actually don't think I'll use my wheel for luxury fibers any more after this - you get a much nicer, much more consistent product with the spindle, and plus then you get to spend more time doing it, which is largely the point of buying a nice, soft fiber like this one.

The Story of My Marriage

2009-03-03T17:57:00.001-08:00

So, probably not a big mystery to anyone who knows me, but Chris and I have split up, and we have decided to divorce. Before anyone fires off emails of condolence, however, please know that I think this is a really positive thing, for both of us.

We first met online, and things happened very quickly. In 3 days, he asked me to be his "girlfriend", and within a week was already saying "I love you". It felt really fast, but I am also a hopeless romantic and so it was a little too easy to buy into it and to believe it. We talked about marriage from the very beginning, we talked about being together forever before we had even met in person.

I think we both wanted it to be true, I really do. I don't believe for one second that either one of us lied intentionally or led the other on, it went on for too long for that to be true. But I do think that we were so wrapped up in the fantasy of things that when we met, face to face, neither one of us wanted to admit that the chemistry wasn't there. Don't get me wrong, Chris is a great person. He's fun to hang out with, he's smart, and he's kind. But the fire wasn't there. We should never have been more than friends.

I don't think either one of us wanted to see this, and so we kept on plodding along. It was easier when we were 3000 miles away, even when he was in so cal and I was at school up north. By the time we lived together, by the time we were in the same place for more than a week at a time, it was nearly 2 years into our relationship, we had a history, we had things invested, and I think it seemed like a boulder rolling down hill that no one knows how to stop. I also think we both thought, on some level, that things would get better once we were married.

I know how naive we must have been for all this to happen, but finding true love is something most people dream of, and it's so easy to believe in something when you really really want it to be true. But no matter how much you may fool your brain, you can't fool your heart forever. Neither of us have been happy or fulfilled. We've had good moments, happy moments, but never the overwhelming moments where you feel like your life has finally reached it's fullest bounds.

He's a homebody. He likes comfort, stability, reliability, sameness. I'm an adventurer. I will never stop looking at the globe and wanting to be somewhere other than where I am, at least not in some capacity. A couple of months ago we went on a drive, and we talked and I told him that I thought he only married me because it was the next logical step. I say this only because I don't want everyone blaming him for something that is equally my fault. The signs were only there, it just took us a while to wake up to them.

So we separated. At that point I wanted to go to counseling and fix things, partly because I wasn't ready to let go of the grand delusion yet, and partly because I was petrified of what would happen to my life if things didn't work out. It took me a few weeks, but I realized that the things I was grieving for were the comforts of a relationship, not about a love that could stand the test of time. I realized, in essence, that he was right, that it was time to end things.

I've been thinking a lot lately, and I feel like this is the best thing that could happen at this juncture in my life. The longer I am removed from the situation, the farther away that life seems to me. I feel like my old self again, like who I was seven years ago, before we met, but a little older and a little wiser for this experience. I feel comfortable with myself, and I feel like the entire world is now open for me to explore. I have gotten back my sense of adventure, and I've gotten over my anxiety for the little things that don't really matter. I think in the last seven years I've been older than I should have been, more serious than I wanted to be, and less curious than is even possible for me. I resigned myself to a life I wasn't ready to settle into, and now I feel like I can get back on track to wherever it is life is going to take me.

I also feel like divorcing gives both of us the chance to go out there and find something real, something toe-curling and awe inspiring. I hope for that most of all, for me and for him to both find happiness and fulfillment in our lives and with other people.

Waiting for the phone to ring

2009-03-03T11:10:00.000-08:00

So I'm waiting to hear about a job, and I've run out of room to clean, so I've resorted to knitting and such while I wait.

Here's a swatch I made out of a 2 foot length of cashmere I spun... It's 100% cashmere, spun from the cloud, navajo plied, and then knit on size 0 needles. It's the size of a penny, but it's sooo soft I can't stop touching it.

And after much ado, I finally finished the hat for my friend Michelle's baby, Giovanni. I can't wait to see it on him!!!!

Reason # 897 Why My Family Drives Me Nuts.

2009-03-02T11:55:00.000-08:00

(frantic yelling of my name by a certain aged and miserable crone.)

Me: What?

Her: There was a phone call earlier.

Me: .......?

Her: I think it was for you.

Me: What did they say?
Her: I don't know, I just heard a lot of noise and that was it.

Me: *facepalm*

giant update-o-rama

2009-03-01T16:39:00.000-08:00

So, I've been silent for a while (okay, a looong while, really, if we're talking about posts with actual substance - my apologies.) First, a picture post, and then maybe something a little more in depth.

Not terribly deep, but I cut and dyed my hair recently... I keep meaning to grow it out to it's post-Costa Rica length, but it gets to this irritating stage and I haven't had the patience to make it through that yet... we'll see, maybe this will be the last time I chop it off, maybe not. At any rate, here's the most recent pic of me in existence:

I've been making spindles a lot lately now that I have access to a drill press. I'm planning to start selling them at some point, but here's a little window into my process. Step one is cutting out the whorls on a drill press:

After which the boards start to look like swiss cheese:

The come out a bit rough at first:

So they go back onto the drill press to get sanded, which takes a small lifetime:

and emerge soft as a baby's butt... at least in theory:

Then I give them a coat of varnish before I decorate them:

Anyone want to take a wild, flying guess as to whom I made this for?

This one was not designed with anyone in particular in mind, but I like it :)

This one I painted... not my best work, clearly, but it's not as terrible as it could be...

I've been spinning a lot, too, mostly bits of fiber I've received from Lorinda the Great at my new stitch n' bitch home. This one I named unicorn, owing to it's purple and blue shades with bits of shiny fiber in it.

This one I've called alternately sunset and gryffindor, obviously:

And this is one I started ages ago, which reminds me of easter:

They are all navajo (3) plied, and all of them are around sock weight, or possibly lighter. It seems now I've gotten spinning fine mastered I can't spin thicker any more, even when I try. Coming soon, look for my line of 15 ply worsted =P

I got myself a new journal for detailing my adventures in renewed singlehood. I'm actually feeling quite optimistic about things, and felt a saucy journal might inspire me to live a little more daring...

And here is an awesome pic of my sister leaving for winter formal. Isn't she lovely?

whirlwind

2009-02-26T23:54:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how hindsight is 20/20. It's amazing how life plays tricks on you, how sometimes if you want something bad enough you can invent it even thought it's not really there.

I feel free, now. Like now that I realize what a mistake it's been, I can let go and move on with my life. I can be myself again. I can put one foot in front of the other and get back parts of myself that I've missed like crazy. Hope is a heady thing, especially when there's the glimmer of hope that one of your biggest mistakes can possibly be remedied. Cross your fingers for me, dear reader.

In short, I am single again, in fact if not on paper. Don't be sad for me, be happy. I feel relieved, and I suspect there is much in store for me to be giddy about.

2009-01-20T14:15:00.000-08:00

How I Love

In the movie,
Dracula curses God,
damns his own soul,
and spends centuries searching
for his lost princess...

Sounds completely reasonable to me.

awesome

2008-12-03T22:22:00.001-08:00

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

blah-zay

2008-11-19T22:09:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling my perrenial ache to do something profound, but it's just not there at the moment. My brain is scattered in a million tiny pieces, and more than anything I want to do something that means something, but it just seems like I plod along without any real inspiration. Somehow, I suspect the fault is mine. Not necessarily by general defect, but perhaps through a sense of self preservation the flood gates remain unopened.

It's surreal, really, to see someone you've known for thirteen years being tried for three counts of first degree murder. It's an intense mental conflict, sitting there, listening to the horrifying details of the thing she did while I remember the fun times we shared, the conversations and the memories. Silly to say, but it reminds me a bit of Harry Potter, the part where they say that killing someone rends your soul into pieces. I wonder, sometimes, if the person I knew ever really existed, or if it was always just the monster in there biding it's time. Can a good person and a monster coexist within the same being? Or is it like a point on a number line; a little round dot left in place to denote where the friend ceased to exist and gave way to the monster? What is that little point, then? What is the transition? I suppose if I knew that, I'd know an awful lot indeed.

My dad is hanging in there, but it's hard to see him so sick and in so much pain. Pray for him, please, if you do that sort of thing.

long time no see

2008-11-13T19:50:00.001-08:00

I'm not sure if anyones even checking this, it's been so long since I updated... Sorry about that, imaginary audience, but I need to write to maintain the delusions that support my fragile ego, and an imaginary audience will have to do....

Life has been interesting in the last few months... We got an apartment and I'm working and things are just sort of there. They aren't awful, they aren't inspiring or wonderful. I get up every day, I go to work, I come home and read or watch TV or not. I'm just sort of existing.

I've never been good at just existing. Is anyone? It seems like people must be, because I don't suppose everyone can be excited and fulfilled all of the time. I wonder if that would get tiring eventually, too?

My dad is back in the hospital again, and I'm tired of climbing the walls while my stomach eats away at itself, so I'm going home for a while, like a month, I think. It's conflicting, because I'll be far from my husband, but it's good for pretty much every other reason besides that. I miss my family like crazy, and I need a break from here, because things aren't clicking for me and I need to feel alive again. Mostly I'm excited to get away from my shadow. I don't think I've been alone for months now, and that always degrades ones sensibilities, no?

I've been getting ready to apply for grad school. I planned to apply this year to start next fall, but with everything going on with my dad I decided not to push it. This way I'll have more time to study for the GRE's (not to mention taking the biology subject test), as well as writing better quality essays and all of that. I might be applying to Cambridge, though I've no idea what my chances of success are. There's a war going on inside me about which version of my life and my self I want to pursue. I'm not sure which one will win, or whether there's some way to make both of them into one complete me. The only thing I'm sure of is that I miss learning, and I miss having hope that something better is in the works for me. I think if I don't go to grad school I will wither and die like a consumptive poet.

I kind of need something spectacular to happen. Don't get me wrong, I'm willing to work on behalf of said spectacular thing, I'm not one of those people who waits to win the lottery without ever playing, but if things could work out in my favor just a little, or if I could get a bit of decisive luck one way or the other to make my path a little clearer, I think it would be easier. Anything is better than stagnation; nothing has ever been so devestating to my happiness.

On the plus side, I think my issues with anxiety and with PTSD have passed. I haven't had a panic attack since before we left California, and I'm feeling strong and in control of myself. I was so afraid for so long that I'd never get back to a place of control and stability, and it's a huge relief. I may not know what's coming next for me, but at least I feel like I have the strength to confront it head-on.

Well, anyway, enough soul-searching (read: self-important rambling) for me. At any rate, homeward I go, so call me if you're still reading this, in the southern california area, and want to hang out.

2008-08-10T07:35:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone! We're still alive here in New York, just been a bit busy with life and lots of other crap. The good news is that I am now working, and we should have an apartment soon where we will have more reliable access to the internets. Woot. And now, to the pictures.

Here is the harbor in Olcott, NY, which is the home of a pirate festival that we did not go to because my feet are teh suck. It's pretty, though, and Fuzzy's aunt and uncle have a business here fixing boats for rich people.

Here is my new favorite alcoholic beverage, the Sloe Gin Fizz, which is super yummy and keeps me from getting drunk because the sweetness makes me stop drinking them long before the alcohol does much. It's got sloe gin (which is sweet and red), with sweet & sour mix, a bit of soda water, and a little swirl of dark rum on top.

Plus, as you can see, it's served with a weapon and fruit. How can you not like a drink that comes with a weapon and fruit?

Here is my most recent yarn, which I love to pieces and looks like this, except with more purple in it.

I love it so much, you get TWO pictures. That's love, that is...

And here's what I'm doing with it:

It's the Morning Surf Scarf, which has been floating around on the internets for years and which, most recently, was in Spin Off magazine, which if Patrick is reading, I heard is the worst movie ever made. Just saying.

Here is a canon in someones front yard, which we have come to nickname the EEEBIL CANON! or The Canon What Is Up To No Good. Note the wicked eyebrows. I pass his cute little face every day on the way to work with Fuzzy.

Patrick is visiting, hence the previous Inside Joke(tm). We went to Niagara Falls, and donned the Great Trashbags of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!! Patrick's transformation into a drooling tourist minion is nearly complete.

And here's me, rockin that hefty bag... Rawr.

Here we are piling onto the Maid of the Mist with everyone else in the free world.

Here we are after the boat ride, and Patrick seems to have had a little accident! Whooopsy!

An here's the obligatory picture of the falls, the American Falls anyway, with the horseshoe falls in the background. They really are purty, I must say, and they look much more impressive from the boat.

And now onto a serious note. My dad was diagnosed with colon cancer on Friday. I don't know much beyond that, but for those of you out there reading this, please, pray or wish or hope or do a rain dance or a blessing or whatever you do, but send him your well wishes for me. I would really really appreciate it.

Hey everyone!

2008-07-11T11:00:00.000-07:00

Not much to report, really... we've been hanging out a lot with Chris' friends, relaxing at the farm house, and job hunting like crazy. I've had a few interviews with one company, and it seems to be going well, so hopefully I'll hear back soon. The last interview was on Wednesday, and they said I'd hear back within 7-10 days, so hopefully early next week. Cross your fingers for me!

Chris s taking a security class to qualify for surveilance and security guard jobs, and we're still waiting to hear back about his scores on the FAA test. I really hope he did well. I'm pretty sure he did, but we won't know anything until they post his scores on the website.

All in all, things are going pretty well. I'll feel a lot better once we're both working so that we can find an apartment and all that, but we're both working on it, so hopefully it will all turn out okay. All of the well-wishes are very much appreciated, and I'll post when I can to keep you all updated!

Days 5 and 6

2008-07-05T08:35:00.000-07:00

So, I realized I haven't posted a picture of Pyewacket yet. It's hard to get her to look at the camera, so here's a cute photo Chris took of her curled up into a ball in one of the hotel rooms.

After Chris finished his exam (which we don't have the results for yet), we pulled out of lovely Naperville, Illinois and got back onto the highway.

We crossed the border into Indiana and then spen the next 2.5 hours in traffic. It literally took us two and a half hours to go 15 miles. I'm not speaking to Indiana for at least two weeks. Fortunately, after the first 15 miles it cleared up, and the toll road was at least quick.

While we sat in traffic, though, we took a picture of this sign, which I thought was interesting:

After the dreaded traffic debacle, Chris got me these gummy snacks, and they're pretty cool.

They come with these little plastic tongs to pick the worms out of the bag with.

And when you squeeze down on the worm with the tongs, the light in the tongs make it look like the worms are glowing :)

After that, we pulled into Ohio, which I've always liked a bunch.

In Perrysburg, Ohio, we met up with my friend Meigan and got some yummy fried food. Fried cheddar cheese balls are awesome, just sayin'.

We stayed in Perrysburg overnight, then got back on the turnpike in the morning for our LAST DAY OF DRIVING!!!!!

After a few hours we entered Pennsylvania, my old home while I went to Chatham. Pennsylvania is beautiful, and it's too bad we were only in it for like an hour.

Yay! We're coming down the home stretch now... it's the first sign with Buffalo on it!

In between the New York border and Buffalo, there is a whole lot of green. Much like the green I've been posting pictures of all week, so we didn't take any more pictures until we got to Buffalo.

We didn't get off the freeway, but it looks nice from what I could see. Chris is from the suburbs, so we didn't actually go into the city while we visited last time.

Huzzah, it's the Niagara River... And that is Grand Island in the back ground.

You know you're really back east when you see Tim Hortons. It's like Starbucks, but with better food and drinks, and a whole lot less pretentious.

And this water tower belongs to the Town of Wilson, which is next to the Village of Wilson, which is where Chris' grandparents farm is, where we are staying.

We got to the farm, which is just beautiful, and settled in. The car and trailer are unloaded, and we're all fine, humans, cats, and geckos. The only casualties on this trip were one strap on my cello case, and two of the gecko tanks (soooo thankful the geckos were in their carriers, and not in the tanks!) We traveled a grand total of 2853.6 miles without any major issues, and I feel really blessed. We had all of our worldly posessions with us, and we didn't know anyone along the way until Ohio, so there was a lot of potential for bad things to happen, but they didn't.

This morning we dropped off the trailer, and I saw this on a truck. Pretty interesting, so I'm gonna go read up about it and maybe I'll post more about it later.

While Chris finished up with the U-haul business, I watched this dog chase his own tail for fifteen minutes. Awesome.

I'll have more to post in the coming days, but right now we're visiting with friends, so I certainly don't want to be glued to my computer right now. Suffice it to say we are well and happy, and I look forward to the coming weeks to see how this new life shapes up for me.

2008-07-02T15:44:00.000-07:00

Last night in the hotel room I took the opportunity to take some pictures of my girlies. Here is the lovely Francesca Von Kneaderbird lounging on daddy's pillow and doing her best model pose.

And here is Zelda Whiskerpounce, obviously contemplating more mischief. The fur on her head has also started to grow back, and I can definitely tell you that she is not short on energy at all.

In Iowa, we found the cheapest gas so far. It's more than a dollar cheaper than it was in Arcata. *sigh* The Motel 6 in West Des Moines was the nicest one I've ever seen. It was terminally small, but it's not like we need that much room, and it even had a bath tub! Hurrah for bath tubs. Sitting in the car for millions of hours makes my legs hurt and my feet swell up, so soaking in the tub was very nice.

Look, it's the Mississippi River! This is the second time I've driven over it. It's huge!

And after crossing it, we are in the fine state of Illinois, home of Wayne Campbell and the Blues Brothers. But before you get to those places, you pass a lot of roadside farms, like the one that hosts this cute little barn.

We are staying on the outskirts of Chicago, in a town called Naperville. We're just vegging in the hotel, and the rest is very much welcomed at this point. Tomorrow morning, bright and early, Chris takes the test to be an air traffic controller, and then we press on to Ohio to visit Meigan and rest before the last day! Two more day and we'll be in New York!

Oh, and we got some really yummy chinese food delivered to our hotel room. Decadence!!! The almond cookies were to die for!

Day Three: Cheyenne, Wyoming to Des Moines, Iowa

2008-07-01T18:25:00.000-07:00

This morning we left Wyoming and headed into Nebraska. Nebraska is all farm land, which is a bit tedious, but at least more pleasing to look at than Utah or Nevada.

And just to show that we actually get out of the car sometimes, here's a shot of a map at one of the rest stops.

At one point in Nebraska, there's this random archway. It's some kind of memorial, but it looks like a bridge, it just doesn't go anywhere....

All in all, not much to say about Nebraska... it's a nice state, just not a lot going on. Here's the Missouri River, which forms the boundary between Nebraska and Iowa.

Iowa, by the way, is gorgeous. I could totall dig living in Iowa. Not many pictures yet, but I'll try to take more tomorrow. It's farmland, but with more rolling hills and small towns along the road. Lots of rustic looking barns and stuff, too.

And here is Fuzzy in his pizza coma. We ordered a pizza so we wouldn't have to drive around looking for a restaurant with the trailer on the car, and wow is Papa John's good stuff. I especially like the garlic sauce they give you with the pizza. Yummmm....

The drive is tiring, but today was our last long day. From now on, we're only going 300 miles per day instead of more than 600 like we have been. Plus we're finally into the interesting parts of the country (well, we have been since Wyoming, really.) We might even have time to go swimming at the next hotel!

I think driving cross-country is a great way to ease into this move for me. What we're headed toward is a new life, especially for me. Doing the drive is giving me time to evaluate everything and consider what I want to make of the new life that's waiting for me. Plus it makes the journey into more than just two disparate points on the map. Like when Joseph Conrad talks about the blank parts of the map in Heart of Darkness. The map isn't really blank, in this case, but it's a lot of vague squares and squiggly lines, but now I can fill it in with pictures and experiences. It helps to instill you with a sense of all of the different lives that fill this country.

Oh, and here's a litte driving tip. A vehicle towing a trailer requires a large stopping distance, at least four seconds really. So cutting off a vehicle towing a trailer is a REALLY BAD IDEA. Just saying.

Day Two: Wells, Nevada to Cheyenne, Wyoming

2008-06-30T19:38:00.000-07:00

Day two on our journey, and Fuzzy has his adventurin' hat on!

By the way, when I said Nevada was desolate, I hadn't yet gotten into Utah, because Damn! The Great Salt Lake Desert is a giant pile of nothingness. If you'd like to simulate the effect, flatten out your backyard, then burn any foliage into nothingness. Then spread a large layer of salt over everything. Voila! Your very own pit of despair!

It continues much like that for most of the state, until you emerge on the other side of Salt Lake City. Then things get a bit more pleasing to the eye.

This is Zeldarelly. She *loves* the car! Can't you tell?

Wyoming, it has to be said, is absolutely beautiul from one end of the other. I've never seen the sky so big and full of clouds. It also has lots of cows and some other variety of ungulate. We can't decide whether it's a deer or an antilope, so we've been refering to it as the deeralope.

There have been tons of signs warning of deer and or elk crossing, so Chris has been on ungulate watch most of the trip so far. So far, we've only seen them lookin' pretty next to the road in fields of grass. Lets hope it stays that way!

And we arrived safely in Cheyenne around 7pm, so we've had lots of time to relax and will hopefully get a good nights sleep before starting again in the morning.

Day One: Arcata, CA to Wells, NV

2008-06-30T06:07:00.001-07:00

Well, the time finally came to leave California. Day one saw us leaving Arcata, CA at about 6:30 in the morning. As usual, we wanted to leave earlier, but the packing went on until about 11 pm, so we needed to sleep later to make it through the day.

I planned the trip so that day one would be the worst in terms of distance and duration. I figured it would be best to get the worst part over with first, and as of now I think that was a good idea. It took about 17 hours, all told, because all of our time in Northern California was spent climbing mountains on windy roads, which is slow-going with a loaded trailer. Chris did a great job loading the trailer, though, and it's been very stable all this time.

Chris always drives on the windiest parts, because they'v freaked me out since I got into a car accident when I was 17. I can drive them, but he's more comfortable at it than I am. The drive was, as always, beautiful, winding through the redwoods going through Shasta. I'm going to miss the redwoods something awful, they're one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.

Here I am looking oh-so-stylish. Note the ingenius way I've artfully arranged my hair to make it appear as if I just rolled out of bed. Totally on purpose. Seriously. Also, Chris likes to make buzzing noises at me when I wear these glasses, but they do a good job of blocking he sun out of my eyes.

And here is Whiskeytown. Methinks this one may have been named by minors in the goldrush days?

And here is Lassen National Park, another gorgeous area in California... this is making me sad, all these beautiful places I'm leaving behind! Oh, the things we do for love.
And then, you cross the border into Nevada, and Bam! Instant ugly. I think the Nevadans got swindled on this one. And I don't mean to insult the intelligence of any modern Nevadans, but in my head, the exchange goes something like this:

"Well, why don't we draw the border over here. Then you don't have to worry about any of these pesky trees."

"Gee, thanks! It'll be a lot easier to build stuff without all them trees in the way."

"And look, it's all such a lovely neutral shade of brown... That'll go with anything!"

So yeah.... lots and lots of dirt. Hours and hours of it. *sigh*

Oh geez, hours of traversing the desert, and I'm still in Humboldt?

Okay, this is really getting silly.... Eureka?

And one last thing... not sure if you can see it without enlarging the photo, but this is a sign for "Deeth Starr Valley". Star wars nerds rejoice!!! And no, that's not rain, thats the insect graveyard on our windshield. Eeeeeeeeewwwwww.

Finally we made it into Wells, NV, which is a dinky little hole in the middle of a giant sea of nothingness. Fortunately we were only there to sleep.....

update, since Fuzzy has decided I should update

2008-06-22T21:09:00.000-07:00

we're still buried in boxes.

we leave California in ONE WEEK. or, more specifically, one week from today we should have pulled in to the hotel in Wells, NV.

I'm really damn excited! And also freaked out about money and jobs etc. And mostly I just can't wait to get on the road...

so yeah, pretty much just like a week ago ;)

From the file of "It's scary/funny because it's true"

2008-06-10T11:21:00.000-07:00

I'm voting republican

Help! I'm buried in boxes!!!

2008-06-09T17:41:00.000-07:00

So we are leaving California in THREE WEEKS. Holy crap, people!!! By this time on June 30th, we will (hopefully) be nearing the eastern side of Nevada. Now, if you look at our apartment, well, you might cry (at least you would if you were me.)

Zelda is soldiering on mightily, and I must say she is a very smart girl. She has scabs on all of her little toes, and some of the scabs open when she walks, so getting into the litter box isn't a good idea because the sand would get stuck in there... so we had some wee-wee pads from when we had the dog, and Chris put one down next to the bed, set her on it, and told her "potty". Next thing we know, she's using it. The vet was shocked as hell to hear about it, but she's a good, smart kitty. We're in the process of trying to change her medicines, but we're having trouble finding a source for the right dose pills. Hopefully we'll get her switched soon, this medicine has a higher success rate based on the research I've read. All in all she's hanging in there, although with the fur loss she looks a little worse for the wear, but she'll be alright.

The other girls have been wearing their harnesses in preparation for the trip, and THAT has been hilarious. The first thing that happens when you put a harness on a cat, at least most cats that aren't Zelda, is they sort of lay there with a woeful expression as if the harness weighs 1,000 pounds, as if to say "but it HURRRRRRRRRRRRRTSSSSSS!" Then they slowly realize that they are, in fact, still alive and that their limbs still work. Still, a week later and Franny is still doing what I call the "ferret walk" where she walks with her legs bent and her body closer to the floor. Tres amusant!

My feet are doing better, although I still have problems with the randomized pain. It's hard to convince my feet to walk normally, seeing as I've been walking on the sides of my feet for more than 5 years now, but I'm getting a bit better. The toes haven't healed up all the way yet, but I keep soaking them dutifully every night, so hopefully soon. I am cautiously optimistic that, with time, I may become less gimpish. I may even, dare I say it, be able to chase children around some day. We'll see how my progress goes.

I am excited about this move. Soon I'll be back east, deliving the husbeast back home on the fourth of July, which he's always spent with his best friends, and 2 days before his birthday!!! Every year he's lamented on the fourth that he should be at Jerids uncles house watching fireworks and eating large quanitities of some sort of meat, so this year we should be pulling into the area around 1pm in the afternoon, which I hope will be just in time. And then! I will be close to my Chatham ladies again, and I'm sure we'll spend lots of time pounding on tables and being very ill-behaved. In fact, I'm counting on it!

update

2008-05-30T17:51:00.000-07:00

Amie's brother is hanging on, and he's awake now so everyone can at least talk to him. The Dr's are still not optimistic, but even the fact that he's awake is miraculous, and he's pulled through so much before that I can't help but feel like he might still make it through this. Please, if you can or feel so inclined, pray for him, or send him good mojo, or whatever it is you do. I would really appreciate it.

ok, this isn't funny anymore....

2008-05-29T18:19:00.000-07:00

Not that it ever was, but I would really love it if life would stop picking on my little sister. I've been having a pretty shitty couple of years, but I'd rather deal with things myself than to see her having such a hard time. It was only a week and a half ago that one of her good friends died in a car accident, but now her big brother is in the hospital, and it doesn't look good at all... He's always been in ill health, but he's pulled through so many times, and when that happens you start to feel like they just might pull through anything, but he's on life support right now, and the drs aren't holding out much hope.

The worst thing is just knowing she's out there, grieving and having a hard time, and I can't do anything at all. I can't even give her a hug :(

Did somebody say road trip?

2008-05-18T18:38:00.000-07:00

So Mr. Fuzz and I will be heading out for the east, most likely in the first few days of July, it seems, and we would like to have a third person to help with the driving and also to help keep us from killing one another. Please let me know if you are interested, there will be lots of singing, probably some Rent and some Flogging Molly, and hopefully we'll have time to partake of a few cheesy touristy things along the way.

Dear Meatheads Across the Street,

2008-05-16T21:20:00.000-07:00

Congratulations on finishing the school year. I'm sure your family is very proud. Sure, you're not exactly deans list material, but hey, D's make degrees, right? Now, would you please stop grunting like a bunch of wild animals, throwing beer kegs and random large pieces of furniture around, and just generally filling my apartment with the sounds of rampant dumbassery? It would be sincerely appreciated, especially since I've been patiently dealing with you for THREE FUCKING DAYS NOW!!!!

fuck off,
the lady across the street.

Dear Conservative Californians,

2008-05-16T08:18:00.000-07:00

Stop bitching about the "courts overturning the will of the people." This situation is EXACTLY why there are checks and balances in our government, so that a tyranical majority can't squash the rights of other people just because there are more of you than there are of them. If not, white people wouldn't be able to marry black people and we'd probably still have slaves. So get the fark over it. Nobody likes a sore loser.

Sincerely,
Me.

update

2008-05-14T18:55:00.000-07:00

So I didn't have the surgery last week, but I had it today, and IT. IS. OVER. The nails are completely gone, and the Dr. phenoled the hell out of the nail bed, and he's optimistic that this will take care of the problem. If not, I'll have to go full surgical where they physically cut the nail bed out. Painful, so lets hope we don't have to go there. They are soaking right now, and so far so good. I'm not sure if the meds have worn off or not, I suspect not but it has been about 9 hours, so who knows. The sides still feel numb, so I think it's just got some real staying power. For reference, my shot of choice is marcaine, BECAUSE it works so long. Same feeling going in, much more relief for the buck!

why I'm voting for Obama

2008-05-12T20:47:00.000-07:00

It's his voting and senate record. When the campaigns get to the bullshit level, you can always tell what someones about by looking at what priorities they've demonstrated in the past.

Pain

2008-05-05T00:19:00.000-07:00

So tomorrow, in the early afternoon, I go to the podiatrist to have foot surgery, again. I have had big toenails removed twice at the health center, where I knew it would not be permanent (but it was free), and then once, last summer, before Costa Rica and the utter implosion of my entire life, I had them both removed in what was supposed to be a permanent solution to an inherited problem. They removed both sides of each nail, leaving a narrow strip up the center, then killed both sides of the nail bed with a chemical called phenol. The podiatrist took of "extra" so that we could "eliminate" the chances of them coming back. They still grew back.

I have tried, with many people and on many occasions, to explain exactly what I go through with my feet. I am 28 years old, and I have had severe foot pain for the last 10 years of my life. It has prevented me from doing a great many things, from being more active in a general sense to walking places with my friends. I've endured hundreds of scornful looks from people I care about, because it's hard to believe that someone my age could be this infirm and immobile, and it's easier to just think me lazy.

It started out as just excruciating pain in the big toes, where the nail is ingrown. If you've never had one before, its kind of like having tiny knives on both sides of your toenail that slowly cut down into your skin. Every time you move, the knives move too, inflaming the skin around your toenails. They get infected very easily, and antibiotics only clear it up for a few days because, barring removal of the nail, the wound cannot heal. Slowly, the continual infection has led to a lot of generalized foot pain. As I sit on the couch at night watching TV, I will all of a sudden feel pain like someone stabbing a fork into the bottom of the ball of my feet, or the bottom of my feet burn a lot like I am walking across hot coals. I feared it was permanent, and I can't tell you in words what the dread of that felt like, the idea that I would never be able to go a day without this pain. Then I tried the antibiotics, and the pain cleared up a lot. That gave me the hope to go through with this again.

So tomorrow, in the early afternoon, I will have them cut out entirely, the whole nail, on both toes, and I don't care what the damn doctor has to do to the nail bed, but this needs to be the last time. I can't bear the thought of waking up one morning and finding them growing back again. I would probably lose my ever loving mind. So pray for me, if that is what you do, or at least will me the mental strength to deal with this again. The worst part is the injections into the toe. Once that part is over, the rest isn't so bad, it's the recovery that worries me.

Behind this like are pictures, but if reading this post has been uncomfortable, you should probably *not* look.

pain

new, with peeectures!

2008-04-27T20:31:00.000-07:00

So Zelda is doing well. She changed for a bit from cuddle-tart to droopy darling, so we had to take her back to the vet, where they put her on antibiotics and more pain meds, and now she is pretty much back to normal. I miss the tartiness, but I'm just happy she's feeling better.

Kita and I went to the zoo today, which was cool. They got some new cotton-top tamarins, who I totally love. They are teeny little guys, and I think I would be awesome if I had one riding around on my shoulder all the time... I mean, bad idea because primates=too smart to be good pets, but they're seriously cute anyway.

I now totally love chickens, by the way, especially this dood, who is totally wearing feather pants. He's totally pimped out, and looks so effing cute running around the zoo yard.

And here is the chicken in pants running around with his friend, whom I have named the Funky Chicken. Funky Chicken totally has theme music, like Shaft.

Look! A Llama!!! He's totally awesome, no?

And finally, this is a goat that has obviously been eating too much spice. Just sayin'.

Emo cat gets second chance at life

2008-04-20T12:02:00.000-07:00

So, Zeldarelly had to have surgery the other day. She has feline gingivostomatitis, which is a big word to say her immune system attacks her teeth and gums. There are drug regimens to treat it, but they have the potential for some gnarly side effects, and she would have to take them forever, so we decided to get her the surgery. She had 9 teeth pulled. It's drastic, but it has a good success rate, and I can tell you it's worked a miracle for Zelda. I expected her to be groggy and in pain for at least a day or two, but the change in her is just awesome. She was on the good drugs when we picked her up, but from the get go she's been even more loving than she was before, more confident, and she's been eating like a piggy. I asked the vet to recommend a food to put weight on her, and she had us get this prescription diet stuff, and she's already put on a little bit of weight. And of course, she's getting spoiled rotton for a bit, until she's healed up a bit at least. She wanted to eat dry food today, but I want to keep her on the wet as long as she'll let me. Her mouth has been inflamed and sore for so long that I don't want to rush the transition back.

She's gone from the "lap seeking missile", as Patrick called her, to full on tart. Now when you pet her she doesn't just purr like mad, she gets into it and will sometimes roll over on her back to get more lovin's, and she wriggles around like crazy, LoL. When we first picked her up, she had two bandaged front wrists, because they had trouble trying to find a vein for the IV. She looked like a little Emo kitty coming home from the hospital after a suicide attempt, and we wanted to get a picture for ICHC, but sadly she pulled them off over night, so all thats left is her little bald spots.

I was so nervous dropping her off, because any time you have to use anesthesia there is some risk, plus I read somewhere that there have been rare cases where cats eyes get punctured during tooth extractions (the eye orbit is right on the other side of a very thin bit of bone from the top molars.) The vets were great, they didn't mind when we each called to check on her, or me acting like an anxious mommy. They told us that all the techs and people in the back fell in love with her, which I can believe. She's a great ambassador for her species, because she's the friendliest, cuddliest cat on the planet, especially now that she's not in pain anymore. I can't rave about them enough, really, and if you're up here behind the redwood curtain, I highly recommend them: Arcata Animal Hospital, on Giuntoli Ln. Dr. Bithel is amazing! Zelda may never be afraid to go to the vet again.

Other than that, things are good. Schools almost over, we're thinking about applying to be air traffic controllers, which would be a good job for both of us, so who knows.

One thing I have to say, though....

Dear Flogging Molly,

I love your music, I am a huge fan, however... The words "boat" and "float" should not rhyme with the word "soda". On Jay Leno, the other night, it was like "So don't... don't sink the boatAAAAGH, that you built, you built to keep afloatAAAAAGH". It was kind of obnoxious and distracting. I love that song, it's on my myspace profile, and I listen to it all the time, so I know it's possible to sing it without the AAAAGH sound. Please, get rid of the AAAAAGH.

Sincerely, your ardent and loyal fan,
Me.

:(

2008-04-03T20:12:00.000-07:00

My most favorite professor ever passed away yesterday. I am absolutely gutted :(

An update, on me (in which she will do her best to avoid bitching about politics)...

2008-04-02T22:54:00.000-07:00

In bullet points, because I am le tired.

*you know what happens when you TA two classes and they both have exams on the same day? You end up with a huge effing pile of exams to grade. Like over 100 exams. Shoot me in the head.

*My shrink said I don't need to go in anymore unless I feel the need to. Been doing fine, no longer feel like human pharmacology experiment. Down to just birth control, wheeeeee. That's less meds than when the panic disorder hit in the first place, and a particular accomplishment given the toll the PTSD took on me.

*Found out person who assaulted me and my friend killed himself. Felt sad, and wondered what went so wrong in his life. Wonder what this says about me.

*Sold my first yarn!!! And the person loved it when she got it!!! Feel awesome, working on more spinning. Put more yarn up in shop. Expensively priced, but given how much effort went into it, would work out to about 20 cents an hour. *sigh* Realize this will only ever feed my fiber habit, not make me money.

*First milled soap a success. Still detest milling process, probably will not do again. Soap lovely, though, leaves skin feeling very clean and pleasantly soft. Huzzah.

*Have been planning road trip across US with Furry Husbeast. We are for sure stopping in the home of the jackalope, Mt. Rushmore, and the worlds largest ball of twine. Many ridiculous pictures to ensue, no doubt.

*Zelda has some big, nasty dental disease which I can pronounce and spell, but don't want to. She needs to have her back teeth pulled, poor baby :( She's basically allergic to the plaque on her teeth, so her immune system attacks the teeth and this leads to a lot of pain and inflamation in the mouth and upper throat. She's gotten a steroid injection to help ease the symptoms until we get our tax refund and can take her in for the procedure. I just want her better! But if someone has a spare $500 laying around, it would not go unappreciated.

*Might be taking an ethnobotany course with my mom! We'll get to camp and spend an entire day with Karuk basketweavers and herbalists. So. Effing. Excited.

*Have been shrinking again. Hope this trend continues as I don't want to get diabetes, thank you very much. Will attempt to encourage trend by ceasing my consumption of crap food. Tomorrow.

*The Getting Rid of Shit campaign continues apace. I am currently selling a wedding dress and a treadmill. Let me know if you are interested in either/both. Probably best if you live up here behind the redwood curtain, but I could at least ship the dress.

*My hair is getting longer, and it's in that damned prince valiant stage. grrrrrr. tempted to let it grow out again just so I never have to deal with it at this length again.

ugh

2008-03-27T16:56:00.000-07:00

Hilary Clinton makes me sick. She is willing to sink to any disgusting, ugly tactic to win the primary, including encouraging delegates to go against the will of the voters they represent, and I mean the pledged delegates, not the super delegates. Lessee, the last person to go this far to get the election to go in their favor currently sits in the oval office. I, for one, am starting to think she's no better than Bush.

read for yourself.

More love for Huckabee?

2008-03-20T00:20:00.000-07:00

Never thought I'd write those words, but damn, you gotta give the guy credit, he seems like a truly decent human being:

Looks like I might just be able to forgive Chuck Norris after all...

my thoughts, the readers digest version

2008-03-18T22:31:00.000-07:00

I wrote a long blog entry with my reaction to the ideas Barak Obama brought up in his speech on racism today. I'm not posting it, at least not yet, because even writing it makes me feel woefully ignorant and inadequate to address such a weighty subject upon which I have so little credible experience.

What I will say, however, is that we have the opportunity to elect someone to the presidency who could potentially have an historical impact beyond what we've seen in our lifetimes. And not just because he would be president, but because he is inspiring, because he gives hope to people and reminds us that we have a responsibility to society and ourselves to be better people, and to leave the world a little better than when we got here. Bush will be relegated to the history as the most incompetant, least intelligent president in US history. We already passed up the opportunity to elect a Nobel Prize winner.

We are *lucky* to have the opportunity to vote for someone of his calibre. He would make a wonderful president, if only we are smart enough to elect him.

of good news and bad news

2008-03-13T11:54:00.000-07:00

* We had to take Joey back to the shelter. He's an amazing dog, house trained in three days, very smart and loving, but he is a high energy dog and I am not a high energy person. He was bored, even though we got him as much activity as we could, and I just know this isn't a good home for him. He need a herd of sheep or lots of kids to play with, a nice yard or something. He needs more than we can currently give him, so we made the gut-wrenching decision to take him back and give him the chance to find a more suitble home. I made sure the sheler people understood that he didn't do anything wrong, that it's my fault, my limitations. I still feel like the most horrible person on the face of the earth, though.

* Finally saw a dr about my foot problems (the ones beyond the ingrown toenail stuff.) She gave me antibiotics to kill the infection in the toes, and already they feel tons better, they're not burning as much, and I'm just not having as much nerve pain as I have been. Could it really be this simple? I'm getting them xrayed later, so we'll see what kind of damage I've done that way by walking abnormally for almost a decade. I'm cautiously optimistic at this point, whereas I've been paranoid for months and months about this. Wish me luck.

OMG, my eyes are burning

2008-03-10T23:00:00.000-07:00

I think we adopted the gasiest dog on the planet. Dear lord.

Lessee... in the past few weeks I've

2008-03-09T22:37:00.000-07:00

* hit rock bottom, including thinking a lot about killing myself (abstractly, like it would be easier, blah blah blah... not shopping for a method, and don't worry, it's passed.)
* came up with the hair brained idea that getting a service dog would help me emotionally, went on ensuing emotional rollercoaster where Fuzzy said no, then realized what a basket case I was becoming, started to consider it, asked his boss, I fell in love with a pit named Tatum, Fuzzy's boss said no pit, spiraled into despondency, found border collie lab mix I love, boss said yes, adopted said border collie (Joey), found out Tatum got her forever home same day.
* was a big dumbass and forgot to refil paxil subscription. been off paxil 3 full days now, no panic attacks, attribute this to Joey since was doing bad on paxil before, and now I'm in withdrawl and no problems.
* been run ragged by Joey. am tired, but am sleeping much better, even without ambien. starting to feel like I might actually get through this.

huh.

2008-02-24T00:21:00.003-08:00

Huckabee has a sense of humor? Who knew?!?

P.S. Still wouldn't vote for him if someone held a gun to my head. But at least he's willing to laugh at himself.

$&#()$@Y^&#@)!#

2008-02-22T23:12:00.000-08:00

I hate Ralph Nader. I mean really, really hate Ralph Nader. He can go on and on about how if the democratic party were better he wouldn't be winning votes from them, or how the people voting for him could be republicans for all we know, but thats a load of bullshit, and he's a bastard. I hold him partially responsible for Bush getting elected in 2000. Him, and all the damn retards that voted for Bush.

Oh. My. God.

2008-02-18T00:23:00.000-08:00

I definitely wish I had been the one to write this.

Hello again. Yes, I'm still around.

2008-02-16T11:56:00.000-08:00

I've been busy with school and work and stuff, and I haven't updated in a little while, so here's a bit of an update...

* I will never be a field primatologist. In addition to my physical issues with breathing in the rainforest, I could never, ever deal with watching an animal die without doing something about it. I made the mistake of watching that new Lemur show on Animal Planet, and they just let little Gizmo die of hunger and exhaustion. He'd been abandoned by his mother and troop when he got hurt, and they just kept leaving him behind, and he soldiered on as long as he could and then just gave up. I know it's "bad science" to interfere, but it doesn't make rational sense not to. Lemurs are endangered, because their habitat in Madigascar shrinks alarmingly every year, and they're already down to a miniscule percentage of the island. Roll him some fruit, for chrissakes, catch him and get him into a zoo if he won't be able to learn to feed himself again, but why just let him shrivel up and die? It's cruel, dammit. Dead people I can deal with. Maybe it makes me wierd, but I've always had more of an emotional attachment to animals than people. Maybe it's because animals never let you down or betray you.

* Everyone who is a student should go to www.theultimatesteal.com and get their $60 copy of the Office Ultimate Edition. My favorite thing ever now is OneNote, the most brilliant computer program I've ever seen. Yeah, it's Microsoft, and I have a bit of problem endorsing anything they sell for matters of principle, but it's a 90% discount, so at least they're getting less of my money. And OneNote is seriously making my life more awesome. It now contains my knitting patterns, recipes, notes on the research I'm doing, a growing list of the books I own, sizes of various friends and family members so I can make things for them, ideas for my business, contact info for important people, and loads of other things. It's like a USB drive for your brain, only more organized. It's awesome.

* I sold two copies of my mini-scarf pattern on my etsy shop! Soooo excited!!!

* I started with a new counselor, and I'm being treated with EMDR. It's a way to train your brain to refile things in the non-emotional centers of your brain. This happens normally over the course of time, but EMDR makes it happen faster. It doesn't make it so you can't feel grief or saddness, just so that it doesn't take you over in the same way. I have high hopes for it.

* Chris got me a screaming card for valentines day. It has cartoony critters on it. It is awesome.

See?

2008-02-08T22:48:00.000-08:00

THIS is what I've been trying to explain to any Democrat who will listen to me.

yes, we can!

2008-02-03T16:04:00.000-08:00

back to spinning

2008-01-26T23:31:00.000-08:00

So, Jan, the wonderful woman who sold me my wheel, sent me a new driveband and new bobbins, and my wheel spins so much better than before and it's perfecter (which I know is not a word, but it applies), and my spinning has improved because of it. Happy Stacy? Yes, happy Stacy :) Right now I am spinning that glorious merino/tencel blueberry fiber I got from Paradise Fibers, and it is effing gorgeous, see?

I am in fiber-licious heaven :) And I have new goodies coming soon, more fiber, that other spindle I ordered, etc, so I am looking forward to spinning more stuff and getting good enough to sell my stuff. I'm hoping to have some sales-worthy yarn coming out within the next month.

so hey, 1,000 posts?

2008-01-22T20:26:00.000-08:00

Apparently my last post was number 1,000.... s'too bad I spent it mostly bitching, but hey, thats what happens when I spend a week silently detesting my grandmother and having panic attacks.

I'm back home now, and decidedly more cheerful for it. Classes started today and I think this semester is going to be nice and peaceful, which I'm excited about. I've got a bunch of knitting and spinning classes to teach this and next month, and I'm totally looking forward to that. Plus the move is coming closer (as long as we can get the funds together.) I'm excited about it, I can't wait to be someplace new, and it feels like life will really start once I get there, you know? Like house-buying, baby-having, goat-chasing life.

I put my first pattern up for sale on etsy, and you can find it here: scarflette! It's really simple and basic, but I've gotten a bunch of complements on it since I've been wearing it, so I figured I'd give it a try. The patterns a PDF, and I'll email it out to whoever buys it.

It's on a different etsy account, because I'm trying to get a craft business started with my peeps Tully and Michelle, so I've started us up an account to see if we can generate a little business momentum.

I am not a Californian anymore.

2008-01-17T23:52:00.000-08:00

This is my first time back to Southern California since I came down for the funeral in August. I knew I had changed a lot since then, or rather I had been changed by that singular even that steamrolled over my life and has left me damaged. It's funny, the way the PTSD works. I go days and days feeling completely normal, whether because of the drugs or because I just don't think about it every five minutes anymore. And then there are days when something happens to trigger it again, and I feel like I'm not quite connected to myself anymore.

Being here has been really odd. It's been years since most of my friends lived here, but this is the first time that it's felt quite so empty and dead to me. It's like the part of me that lived here, that part of my life, is completely dead now. I drive down the streets here, and it doesn't feel like life is going on in the houses, or like families live and make memories there. It just seems cold, like concrete. And it's a way bigger area with a lot more stores and coffee places and restaurants and stuff, but it feels like I'm suffocating from being around all these people. It's just a city full of memories I don't know if I want anymore. I'm ready to move.

The spinning has been going good, and I am really enjoying it. It's a challenge, but one that I feel is really suited to me. It works well with my compulsion. I'm the kind of person who can't see paint chipping without peeling more of it off. The more detailed something is, the more absorbed I can get in it. It's meditative, in a way, because it allows me to turn off my brain for a while. I also cannot rave enough about the woman who sold me my wheel. She has been wonderfully helpful and attentive, and you should all go check out her shop on etsy: Heavenly Handspinning Spindles and Wheels.

Here is my first yarn spun on it, still on the wheel:

And a little closer up:

It's roughly the same, quality wise, as my first plied yarn on the spindle, with slightly more variation in thickness. At this point, it's a matter of practice, just as it was with the drop spindle. The wheel might take me a little longer to conquer because there's more all going on at the same time, but I'm sure that with time I'll be churning out some really nice yarn on this baby.

And here is the yarn in the bath:

I'm ready to go home to my husband. I'm ready to move out of this state, and into someplace new, and a new chapter in my life.

Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

2008-01-01T23:01:00.000-08:00

Chris bought me a spinning wheel!!!!!!!!! SOOOOOO EFFING EXCITED!!!!!!

That's it in the video (but not me using it - the maker put the video up). I found it on Etsy. Can't wait for it to get here!!!

Yay!!! New toys!!

2007-12-28T18:32:00.000-08:00

So yesterday, I received my order from Paradise Fibers: a full pound of undyed merino roving. I am in love!!!! Look!!!!!

This stuff spins like an absolute dream. The drafting is smooth, easy, and very conducive to producing a very nice yarn. I can't find a right word for this, but it's really creamy in a way... When you put the twist in, you can't really see the fibers much at all anymore, it all looks like one soft, squishy strand. It looks and feels just like I imagine clouds do, and I would love to make a giant pile of the roving and roll around in it for hours. Here's a closeup of my single! Look how pretty!!!

And now, a wider shot so you can see the new spindle that also arrived yesterday! It's the one I ordered from Spinsanity, and it spins like you wouldn't believe. It's very light, but it doesn't feel as light as the ones I made for myself (which it is.) It's wonderfully made - it feels more solid than mine by far, with way less wobble (no wobble at all, really), and it's perfectly balanced. Now that I'm using it, my hands don't hurt no matter how long I spin, my singles are way finer, and spinning is an even more exciting experience than it was before. This, truly, is the spindle of the gods!

With my spindle, she also sent me some beautiful rainbow pencil roving, which I am hoping to get more of:

And! What a delightful little treat, in the packag was this adorable little stitch marker:

Lastly, I've joined an affiliate program for Paradise Fibers. It was such a pleasant process ordering from them! I ordered the fiber, no kidding, on the Friday before Christmas, figuring it would get sent out after Christmas. *Hours* later, it had already been sent, and it got here yesterday, with the holiday and everything. The wool was well packaged, and, as I said above, well exceeded my expectations (It was only $14 for a full pound! Of merino!) I will definitely be ordering from them again, and I joined the affiliate program to share them with anyone reading this, and to maybe support my habbit a little bit. It costs you absolutely nothing to help add to my wheel fund. If you're planning to order any yarn, fiber, spinning, knitting, or weaving stuff, just click the link, I'd *really* apreciate it. I just ordered this blueberry merino/tencel blend, it's utterly exquisite, and I cannot wait for it to get here :)

....in which she feels accomplished

2007-12-25T01:41:00.000-08:00

So I did it! I made my very own drop spindle! We don't have a drill press, so the whorls didn't come out straight and I spent tons of time sanding them down to be more even, but I'm happy with the results and they spin well. This first one is 0.8 oz, and I've gotten some really fine stuff on it!

Here it is, getting into the Christmas spirit:

And here is spindle number two, at 0.85 oz, and still drying from its last coat of finish.

Here is an update on the turquoise alpaca/corriedale blend:

I've made a bastardized bobbin out of a tp roll, and its working very nicely. I'm not really that clever, I stole the idea from someone on Ravelry. My spinning is getting much finer and much, much more even. Hurrah! And yes, I call him the Bastard Bobbin for short.

And here is Fuzzy in his new Christmas hat!

And finally, here he is with Zelda in her sweater. She loves that damn thing, and she gets upset when we take it off. But in this picture, she just wants you to know that she will totally cut you, bitch.

Merry Christmas!

new fiber! woooo!

2007-12-21T22:18:00.000-08:00

So I picked up some more of that alpaca/corriedale I last spun, but in a new color!!!! It's effing gorgeous!!!! Observe....
In this last photo, it really looks like it's made of cloud :) I also ordered a pound (!!!!!) of merino today (this turquoise beauty is chiefly to tide me over). It was $15. No kidding. It's undyed, which bummed me out at first, but now I'm thinking I can spin up the spindles, dye them in a few different colors, and then ply colors together, so it's a new possibility!

Me and Chris are going to try this weekend to make our own spindles (well, he won't use them, but he does the whole wood-working thing.) I will post pics of the result :)

So, I think I may be addicted..... maybe.

2007-12-20T21:16:00.000-08:00

I just finished spinning my alpaca blend roving, and here is the result:I have three such mini-skeins, making up about 3 ounces of yarn total, and its fluffy and soft and squishy, and I lurve it.

I also got two totally glorious new spindles, one is only 0.8 ounces, which will be good for laceweight yarn (which is my goal), and the other is 1.4 ounces, so still way lighter than the one I already have. They're beautiful, like by a lot. Click the pictures to go to the listing.

This one is from Spinsanity. It will be my first from them, but OMG there are so many people on Ravelry who give these things gloriously rave reviews, so I'm so excited about it!!!!!.

This one is from Wooly Knitpicks and Spindles, who I've also read good things about. And it soooo pretty! I lurve it! Can't wait!!!!

But, I'm out of fiber! *pout*

wooo! updates on spinning, knitting

2007-12-16T17:01:00.000-08:00

I finished spinning up the wool I got with my spindle! Voila:

here is the first skein-y thing, hanging up to dry:

here is the last third of the yarn, after drying... better by far than the first, not as much of a problem with too much twist. Still getting better, hurrah for progress.

here's the second bit, all wound up into a ball for knitting...

and I knit calorimetry with it! wheeeee! it's pretty rough, but thats ok, I tried it on and it's not too bad on the head. this is the closeup, and you can see the orange bits of the yarn, which are my favorite.

and here's the wider picture. it just needs the ends woven in and a button, which I will get when I have money.

and now, off to start spinning with that gorgeous alpaca/wool blend I got!

projects and goodies

2007-12-01T20:57:00.000-08:00

I got prezzies in the mail! For my birfday wot just passed! From WendyLady!!!! This first one, which I hadn't picked up because it reminds me, uncomfortably, of my years as an insufferable, angsty goth teenager. I've been reading it, though, and even though it's trying WAY too hard to be hardcore, there is a lot of really really useful information in it, including a section on fixing mistakes that, if you ask me in a year, I will wonder aloud how I ever lived without it. Some very cute patterns, too.

And look! A book on spinning! wheeeee! It's got very detailed information about all manner of spinning techniques and equipment, plying, finishing the yarn, and a myriad of fibers, half of which I'd never even heard of. This is one of those inexpensive Dover books, like the ones they have at the ren faire about medieval costumes or the ones your English professor picked to save you money, if he wasn't a dick. I definitely recommend it for anyone who spins, wants to spins, or just wonders how yarn is made.

And finally, *sigh*, from one of my favoritest bloggers ever, I finally got my hands on a copy of Crazy Aunt Purls book... I read it in one night, it's awesome, and everyone should read it.

I finally got the needles to start a new pair of Fuzzy Feet for Fuzzy. He wore gigantic holes in his last pair. I shouldn't complain, really, because at least he wears the stuff I make him, but hopefully these will hold up better, since I'm using the recommended yarn, Lamb's Pride Worsted (the color is Tahiti Teal, and its luuuuurvely.)

My spinning adventure continues apace. I think I'm going to leave this as a single and make something small like Calorimetry or fingerless gloves or something. We'll see how much I end up with, and what it looks like when I'm done with it. It's not perfect, particularly at the beginning, but I love the way the yarn smells, and it's my first homemade yarn, so I'm sure I will like it no matter what it looks like. More experienced spinners tell me I am doing well, so thats a good sign :)

I also picked up some fiber for my next spinning project. It's an alpaca/corriedale blend, and you can't tell so much from these pictures, but it's gorgeous, with a slight sheen and the colors are totally glorious!

I can't wait to start spinning it!!!!

things I'm learning

2007-11-30T23:38:00.000-08:00

When a dr gives you pills to help you sleep and says "but you probably won't like them", you should maybe ask why. just sayin'. I looked them up online, and hey, it's used to treat schizophrenia, so I maybe got a little freaked out, and I might have put them away in the back of a cabinet as if they were going to attack me in my sleep. But hey, funny thing, you get a little desperate when you haven't slept more than a half hour at a stretch in over a week and you call the dr and they can't get you in for more than a week. So I took one, yesterday, at 7pm, and I layed down. I was freaked out and afraid, but didn't have a panic attack, which was refreshing, but I wasn't sleeping. so I layed there for like an hour waiting, and I finally fell asleep. When Chris got me up for work, I couldn't get my eyes to focus, and the sleepy-eye thing wasn't going away. two and a half hours later he had to get me from work because I apparently had a high fever, and I still couldn't focus to read, or concentrate, or stop raving about how wet my water was. hmmmm. He brought me home, and I slept more, until 5 pm. so yeah, spent roughly 19 out of 24 hours sleeping. Those little round bastards are going back in the back of the cabinet.

Spinning is really addicting. I was warned about this before I started, so I can't say I didn't know, but Zelda might be glad I knit her a sweater when I start harvesting her fur. She's the softest cat in creation, it would be totally awesome to make a Zelda sweater. (see: reasons my counselor thinks I should stay in therapy.)

The knitters I've met at the stitch n' bitch group I found are awesome. I'm really enjoying making new friends, especially since I can tell all my inappropriate stories about primate genitalia, and they laugh! And thanks to some of their stories, I may never be able to look at a VW bus the same way again. Just sayin'. I hope when we move I'll be able to find a local group and make awesome friends. I haven't had a lot of social interaction lately, and it's something that makes me feel better, when I can get it.

New books mysteriously arrived today. They involve knitting and spinning. Stacy is pleased.

Also, ravelry is pretty much the best thing that ever happened to me.

Knitters are totally awesome...

2007-11-29T11:16:00.000-08:00

So, through the miracle of ravelry, I found a local knitting group to commune with. It's called Humboldt Purl n' Hurl, and it's awesome. We meet at a local itallian restaurant, and admittedly do more bitching than stitching, but it's fun... The knitting gives us a common interest, and from there we talk about things all over the spectrum. We learn new techniques from each other, discuss our projects, and last night we were at two separate tables, and my table was just like the ones we had at Chatham, where we ended up laughing really really loud and pounding on the tables. I even got to tell inappropriate primate stories and have them appreciated for all their bawdy glory. It was effing awesome.

I'm now totally addicted to spinning, and I think the cats are afraid for their fur. Which they should be, especially Zelda, who has a sweater to keep her warm and has the softest fur in the world. I've promised her I won't shave her until it at least warms up in the spring.

Speaking of Zelda's sweater, the other cats seem to be almost covetous of it, at least Franny. Franny will look at her like she's jealously thinking "you bitch!" It's crazy, I never thought I would have a cat who would enjoy wearing sweaters. I thought about knitting one for Franny, since she seems to want one, but I'm sure as hell not risking my hands to find out, and Chris won't be talked into it. Zelda was safe, but Franny can get a bit feisty and tends to go all pointy when she doesn't enjoy something. We don't even clip her claws for that reason.

I might be getting a spinning wheel soonishlike! Wheeee!

happy and sad

2007-11-24T23:11:00.000-08:00

The visit has been great, and I'm desperate for them to stay because I don't want to go back to being horribly lonely again, but it's not fair to them, when my mom has work and my sisters has school, and I'm supposed to be an adult and not need people too much.

I'll post more about everything later, maybe after I have a good cry tomorrow, but some exciting news is that my mum got me a drop spindle and I have started spinning my own yarn! I'm not very good yet, but it'll be a good skill to have if we're going to have alpaca and other fiber animals. Here's what I've done so far:

And, I may perhaps have gotten a bit excited and spun for a bit too long, because now my left hand hurts like hell...

There also may have been some yarn shopping, for possibly a bunch of projects, and this might be a new purse for my mother:

T-minus1.5 days and counting!!!!!

2007-11-21T00:52:00.000-08:00

Y'all may not know this, but I am a *freak* for the holidays, like you can't believe. No matter how many bad things happen, or how jaded I may be the rest of the year, I totally buy into the holiday spirit every single year just like I were still 6 years old or something. And this year, I need it so much more than ever. It's restorative, in a way I guess.

As I write this, our Willie Bird turkey is brining in it's apple cider/salt water/allspice and bay leaf brine. It'll soak all night and most of tomorrow in this mixture. The salt help the liquid absorb into the turkey and also helps to make the meat more tender.

Tomorrow night, I'll take it out of the brine and let it rest overnight. Then, on Thursday, we roast it and eat it, which is the bestest part, totally.

My mum and sister will be here on Thursday morning. I am soooo effing excited, like you can't possibly believe. I miss them so bad, I can't even put it into words. It will be bliss if me and Chris can build our house out in NY like we want to, with a little cottage for my mum, and plenty of room if my sister decides to go to college out there and live with us.

Five years from now, I want to have at least one nerd baby. I want to be prepping a turkey in our house, on our own land. I want to go outside and feed the llamas and goats, and give them some special treats. I'll slip some apple slices in for the rabbits. We'll slip some turkey to the cats and to Winston, and maybe some other goodies as well. Chris and my mum can be taking care of little Sophie or Connor. Maybe nerd baby number two will be in the works. Maybe Chris's family will join us there. Who knows what traditions we'll have by then, or who else might be there, or anything like that. The rest, the details, aren't important

P-p-p-paxil

2007-11-14T21:11:00.000-08:00

Things are getting more stable for me now that I'm on paxil, but I suspect my asshole side comes out a bit more, or maybe its just that my sense of irony is coming back. At any rate, I've been feeling better for a few consecutive days, so I'm cautiously optimistic about the whole thing. Tomorrow I have two presentations: a 15 minute job with a couple other students about the evolutionary origins of schizophrenia, which I am nervous about because I'm being graded on it, and a 90 minute class lecture on primate social structure and mating strategies, which I have an awesome power point for, and which I am excited and not really nervous about.

Chris is on his way to me with chili and cheese covered food. Diet? What diet? We don't need no stinking diet!

28

2007-11-10T23:44:00.000-08:00

I am 28 today. It doesn't feel any different than 27, and birthdays never do, but maybe this is my new year rather than in January?

Today was better. I had a group project to work on in the morning, and we did it over breakfast at one of my favorite places. Then me and Kita and Diane went to Michael's and got artsy projects. I colored a velvet poster of a dragon with markers all afternoon, and it was awesome. It requires more attention than knitting, so I can't think while I'm doing it, which, as it happens, is a good thing. Maybe I'll go back to painting. We also watched Veggie Tales collection of silly songs, which was awesome too.

After we took Kita home, me, Diane, and Fuzzy went out for dinner. It was nice and relaxing. After dinner we all watched Transformers. I don't care if it's not fine art, I know this, but I love it anyway. Is it wierd that I have an emotional attachment to Bumblebee? Because I do.

I got a little panic attacky after dinner, but thats pretty much par for the course in the evenings for me. Really, it was a nice day.

Oh, and my big accomplishment? Last night I slept without taking any Ambien at all. Thats the first time that's happened in MONTHS. I really hope this new drugs works for me. I don't care whats working as long as something does.

Today. was. AWFUL.

2007-11-09T22:14:00.000-08:00

The reason I'm posting about this day, even though it was embarassing and kind of degrading, is because I think it will be cathartic, and I think it's important to be open and honest about this, not only because of me, but because so few people understand this, and maybe someone out there will feel less alone if I talk about it.

I went in to work this morning, and my stomach was feeling churny and awful the way it does 90% of the time now. This was full day number two of my transition from one psychiatric drug to another. For those who have never taken them, psychiatric drugs need to get into your system for a bit before they start to work, like antibiotics, except that this process can take anywhere from days to weeks. Both of the drugs I'm dealing with are SSRI's - selective seratonin reuptake inhibitors. Seratonin is a neurotransmitter in the brain that is associated with happy, basically. The "reuptake" process is when cells pull seratonin out of the system so it can't bind to the receptors in your brain and make you feel happy constantly. It sounds wierd, but brain chemistry is a delicate balance, and the neurotransmitters help to moderate your response to different situations. With depression, panic disorder, or PTSD (the last two of which I have), the seratonin is off balance somehow. The drugs keep the level of seratonin - the "happy" message - higher than it would be otherwise, to theoretically help you feel better.

When you switch from one drug to another, you take smaller doses of each during the transition time, which makes it tough. There's not enough of the new drug in your system to work yet, and you're weaning off the old drug so that its not as available to your system as it was. That transition time, for me, is not going well. This morning, I wasn't feeling well. The symptoms of a panic attack are like what you would expect of a ManBearPig jumped out and attacked you. It a lot of ways it feels like a heart attack, and a lot of people end up checking themselves into the hospital because thats what they think it is. Your chest feels really tight, think like after you've been having a hard cry for a long time. Your limbs tingle from the flood of adrenaline which, if ManBearPig attacked you, would help you to run away faster. You feel like you can't draw enough breath. And after a while, the adrenaline overworks these systems and makes you feel like crap. In addition, it's incredibly frustrating, tiring, and saps you of mental strength so that anything, absolutely anything, will make you fall apart. Thats what happened to me today.

I was feeling sick, so I asked Chris to bring me in the herbal stuff I got from the local herbalist, which helps and doesn't make me feel as drugged as the "fast-acting" anxiety meds. I asked if he wanted to have lunch at me, and he said he was too busy, which is fine normally, but today it felt like such a huge rejection. I didn't say so, but I was close to tears when he left. I went to my desk to take some of the herbal tincture, and I would up spilling it all over myself. That was it. I was a wreck, and I had to call him back to get me so I could go home and change my clothes. My coworker is the nicest woman on the planet, and she said to take an hour, change, relax, get lunch, and come back. I might have even been okay if we'd stuck to that, but bless her heart she arranged for other people to help her out in the front office so that I could take the rest of the day off. I adore her, she is the cat's pajamas.

Chris and I DID eat lunch together (imagine that, he's more flexible if I tell him how I feel, what a novel concept *facepalm*.) I didn't want to be alone, though, so I went to Diane's and we hung out for a while. While I was out of the house one of my bosses apparently stopped by my house to check on me and I wasn't there, so he called and left a message, which I got later. I then had the worst panic attack ever, I thought he was gonna fire me. I knew I didn't do anything wrong - I didn't go home because I was sick but because I was a wreck and needed to calm down, and being along at home was SOOOOO not a good idea. I was incredibly upset, not to mention sometimes I hyperventilate and feel like I'm going to pass out. I called him back when I got the message, and fortunately he was just checking on me. Have I mentioned that I love the people at my work? I panicked because I feel bad - a lot of the time lately I've been having trouble keeping it together, and sometimes my work suffers because of it. I am incredibly lucky that they are being so patient with me. Compassion is such a rare and precious thing. I was relieved to still have my job, intensely so, but the chest pain from that attack has still not gone completely. I need to sleep, but I'm waiting until a normal night-time hour so that my sleep schedule (har har) doesn't get thrown off.

This is the most difficult struggle I've ever had to deal with, this whole panic disorder/ptst/depression thing. I want more than anything else to go back to normal, to be able to function like I used to. Did I used to be lazy? yes. Did I always function as well as I could have? no. Will I ever take for granted being able to get out of bed without fighting myself? never. not ever. It's so embarassing when you can't even control your emotional response to silly things like spilling something on yourself. It's embarassing to have to admit to the people you work for and with that you just can't handle being at work and being professional right then. It's hard to feel like a ticking time bomb, and it's hard to have people look at you like you might go off at any second. Every day that I wake up and leave my house is a victory, and I don't always get that victory. Even the most patient, compassionate person occasionally looks at you like "why aren't you better yet?" They can't help it if they've never been through this. I didn't understand before, and I've been judgemental in situations like this even without realizing it and without wanting to be. Unless you've been here, it's hard to know how physical this struggle is, how much it degrades your body while it eats away at your soul.

For those readint this who have never suffered with any of these things, please take these things into account when you deal with people who do. I am extremely lucky; the doctors tell me I will get over this, that it probably won't last forever and that one of these days I'll be able to go off the meds and feel normal again. Some people don't ever get that chance, for some people its something they live with forever. They are not lazy, they are not pathetic, they are not making excuses. They're surviving, one day at a time.

OMG SO EFFING EXCITED!!!!!!!!!

2007-11-07T21:57:00.001-08:00

My mum and sister are coming up to visit for Thanksgiving!!!!! WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!! This is better than a whole effing bottle of paxil!!!!!

now that the tree-staring has worn off....

2007-11-07T12:50:00.000-08:00

Once there was a girl named Stacy.

Okay, so Stacy was kind of a dork, maybe, and this picture is from before she lost 40 pounds, but you get the point. Anyway, she went through this major ordeal that made her feel like a crazy person.
Just sayin. Anyway, after a long time, Stacy and her husband, made a huge move across the country to New York State. On her 29th birthday (hinthint!), her husband got her a wonderful English Bulldog puppy, whom she named Winston.

Winston was totally awesome. He liked to wear shoes in the snow, and would spend hours on Stacy's lap, snurfling a bit because of his foldy face, and when she came home every day his whole body would wag because he was so happy to see her.

Once Winston had settled in, Stacy and her uber-friend Tully decided to get them a pair of angora bunnies.
The bunnies were cute, kind of like a giant cotton ball with half a face in the middle of it. Tully and Stacy combed the bunnies every week, and collected their fur to make yarn out of it.

One day, Tully said "I've got it! We can make yarn out of alpacas and goats next!"

And they did. They bought a huge plot of land and filled it with goats and alpacas. They also built a barn, and two big houses that were connected by a rope bridge, because none of these people every fully grew up, but thats ok. They also built a little cottage for Stacy's mum, with a fireplace and everything.

Stacy's sister, Amie, thought she was a nutbag at first for wanting to raise animals. But in the end, even SHE had to admit it was totally awesome.

JUST SAYING!!!!!

(p.s., the last picture may also have been taken before I lost 40 lbs. just sayin'.)

staring at trees

2007-11-07T10:31:00.000-08:00

So I went back to the psychiatrist yesterday, because stuff just hasn't been working for me, and something needed to change, and fast, because I sorta felt like I was trying to run a marathon stuck in quicksand. I was trying and trying, and still every day was getting harder and harder to take. So I went in to one of the normal drs, who gave me another prescription for the fast-acting panic attack meds and took me to the front to get an appointment with the shrink. He changed my meds to something thats supposed to be better for panic disorder and PTSD, and so I started switching over last night, taking half of my old meds with half of the new meds. Today I feel sort of weird, like I stare at things a little longer than normal, and I've just been sort of dreamy. It's not bad, except that I doubt whether I'm gonna be able to concentrate on anything today, and my body just feels sort of weak. Not like I can't move or walk or something, but sort of like I don't want to. I'm hoping that I'll feel more normal when the new medicine has properly titrated into my system, because I definitely feel more relaxed, just maybe a little too relaxed in some ways (but even THAT is a huge improvement.) I did okay last night taking half of one of the sleeping pills with one of the fast-acting anxiety things. Wasn't the perfect sleep, but then my normal sleep was never perfect sleep, and at least I got some rest and theres the potential for making the rest of my sleeping pills last longer, and maybe stop taking them entirely, which would be nice. I kind of feel like a human medicine cabinet right now.

It's been really hard lately. I've come to the realization that my anxiety comes from something like this "one of my good friends seemingly lost her mind ----> the mind is such a fragile thing, and none of us saw it coming ------> ergo, how do I know that it won't happen to me? Holy shit, what if it happens to me?!?!?" sort of thing. My mom and Chris both tell me it won't happen to me, that I'm a different person than she was, that I could never hurt anyone.... but obviously her husband laid down next to her every night... if he'd thought for a second this could happen, he would have done something, so obviously he had no clue... what makes them think they'd somehow know if I was going that way? Tully and my mom both pointed out, though, that the first thing I did when this whole thing started was to go into the dr and counselor for help. I guess at least that's something. I'm just so damned tired of feeling defective. I just want to feel like me again.

Where I've Been...

2007-11-05T18:17:00.001-08:00

Looooook!!!!!

2007-11-04T12:27:00.000-08:00

Wooly Bear is finished and up on My New Etsy Shop!.

stacy was here (and probably spinning....)

So, it's uh... been a while.

update, sort of, and the friday5

friday5

I should start calling this the Saturday 5, at this rate...

friday5, late as usual

also:

friday5, fashionably late

todays friday5

friday 5, obnoxiously late, for Andrew

Friday 5

cryptic

late for the friday 5 again, tsk tsk...

2 parts boredom, 5 parts hairspray

mp3's

the loooong weekend

weekend: brief synopsis

brain buzz

What, you thought I was done knitting?

Liesl is finished! Well, mostly.

friday 5, a little late

advice

new finished object and basic wristband pattern

The Adventure of the Job Fair

More spinning... obsessed much?

blaaah

The Friday 5

The Single Life

This is not the post you're looking for...

Blogiversary

poetic ramblings

the friday 5! my old friend!

hmmm...

Diminished Capacity

Alpaaaaaaca

The Story of My Marriage

Waiting for the phone to ring

Reason # 897 Why My Family Drives Me Nuts.

giant update-o-rama

whirlwind

awesome

blah-zay

long time no see

Hey everyone!

Days 5 and 6

Day Three: Cheyenne, Wyoming to Des Moines, Iowa

Day Two: Wells, Nevada to Cheyenne, Wyoming

Day One: Arcata, CA to Wells, NV

update, since Fuzzy has decided I should update

From the file of "It's scary/funny because it's true"

Help! I'm buried in boxes!!!

update

ok, this isn't funny anymore....

Did somebody say road trip?

Dear Meatheads Across the Street,

Dear Conservative Californians,

update

why I'm voting for Obama

Pain

new, with peeectures!

Emo cat gets second chance at life

:(

An update, on me (in which she will do her best to avoid bitching about politics)...

ugh

More love for Huckabee?

my thoughts, the readers digest version

of good news and bad news

OMG, my eyes are burning

Lessee... in the past few weeks I've

huh.

$&#*()$@Y^&*#@)!#

Oh. My. God.

Hello again. Yes, I'm still around.

See?

yes, we can!

back to spinning

so hey, 1,000 posts?

I am not a Californian anymore.

Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

Yay!!! New toys!!

$&#()$@Y^&#@)!#