stacy was here (and probably spinning....)















Stacy Was Here :
Back at the Beginning

Saturday, November 30, 2002

there is so much to say, so very very much to say... but please, dear reader, forgive me if everything I post in the next few (days/weeks/months/years) is completely lacking in coherance or any sort of rational thought... in some ways I am more exhausted than I have ever been... and in some ways I have never quite so alive. I can't stop shaking or shivering or sobbing though... it's cold, so maybe thats it. somehow I doubt that, though.

and now the dilema of what to say and what to keep to myself... there are certainly things which are not fodder for an internet audience. my close friends already know those things, and if you don't know, well, you probably shouldn't. as for the rest, well, some I'll say now and some will become apparent over time, I suppose... I don't even know where to start really... it's odd to me, really, that I'm an English major and words always fail me when I most need them. it feels like there is a wide chasm between lifes most profound experiences and making someone else understand exactly what those experiences mean... and every time I try to build a bridge with words it fails somehow, reaches only far to see the vague outline of something enveloped in mist.

you know how sometimes you wait for something for so long, and the time spent in anticipation builds it up so big that the actual thing can't hope to measure up? this was nothing like that, at least not for me. I'd been waiting for this week to start for a little over three months. three months of nail biting, floor pacing, worrying, excitement, fear, and ever mounting anticipation... three months and when it got here, it couldn't have been any better. if I had written a script for this week it couldn't have been any better.

he arrived on friday, and we spent saturday driving down to my house in Whittier... sunday marked the arrival of the four-legged cute monster, heralded by much squealing and jumping up and down on the part of yours truly and the best friend. the days following were full of goodness, and much too much gooberness on my part, I'm afraid. it wasn't even that we did great stuff... we went to the beach, saw a few movies, did the whole LA thing... but mostly we just all hung out, and I think it was the random do-nothing-important moments that were the best, in my opinion. I guess when you come right down to it, the where when and how are really insignificant, and all that really matters is the who. and I really don't think there could be any improvements to the who's on this trip.

really, there were only two problems with this last week. the first is that, even though we took her almost everywhere with us, and try as I might to dote on her, my sister still felt left out. I don't feel guilty, because I know a lot of it is that she's so sensitive, and I know that I really couldn't have done anything to make her feel better. Even when I spend every second with her, she gets upset that I have to leave again. I just wish I could protect her from ever having to be upset, but I know it's not rational or possible... what can I say, I'm a little over-protective...

the only other problem, and the worst one if you ask me, was that it had to end. first there was taking wendy and andy to LAX on thanksgiving morning... it was a quick goodbye though, so I couldn't dwell on it forever, and she's planning to transfer out here so it won't be long, right? then that night I had to say goodbye to my mom and sister again... for as independant as I am, and as much of a hurry I was in to leave home, it never gets any easier saying goodbye to them. then there was the drive back up here... the whole time I'm thinking that I'll have to say goodbye to him soon, too, but it didn't get really bad until about halfway through. I swear I'm such a girl sometimes... so we got back up, made the best of the little remaining time, me crying every so often... at the airport was the worst though, being next to him and dreading the emptiness that would soon occupy that space. he told me to be strong and I tried so hard, but it was futile... and when he got in line to board the plane, I couldn't stand to watch, so I kissed him and walked out of the airport. I didn't look back, because if I had I would have lost it completely. it took every inch of my will not to look back... I just got in my car and left. by the time I made it to the freeway I was crying so hard I may as well have been blind, but I really didn't care about the road at that point. I went to the drug store to get my perscription refilled, and the pharmacy wasn't open, so I paced up and down the aisles waiting for it to finally open, and I swear that every fucking song was a love song... and the whole time, between leaving the airport and the time his plane was to take off, I couldn't stop myself from thinking that he was still on the ground, still here, still in the same time zone, and within 5 miles from me, and why wasn't I there next to him? because if I'm going to fall apart, I may as well do it alone, so I can't make things harder for someone else...

and now I'm back here, more alone than ever. I don't think this place has ever felt so much like a tomb before.

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 9:30 PM   0 comments


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