stacy was here (and probably spinning....)

 

 

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Stacy Was Here :
Back at the Beginning

Friday, August 02, 2002

So in two weeks I leave for Humboldt, and the summer will be over. Some ruminations?

** I left here in the first place for very good reasons. After nine months without seeing my family, I never fail to forget those reasons, but any amount of time at home jars my memory quite effectively. I don't belong here, in this house. I can't, unless life really means for me to be miserable all the time.

** I really hate not being productive. Granted, I've had ample time to do something with this summer, but I can't seem to get motivated here. I can't wait to get back into school and dive into things.

** I really think I'm going to make a good college professor, and I'll explain why. See, a lot of people become teachers because they want to inspire and teach, and I have a ton of respect for that, and thats part of my reasoning too. But more than that, the reason that I want to teach college is that I want to keep learning, especially from my students. Literary analysis has changed so much over the years from the constant exposure to new ideas, and so I hope that my horizons will be continually broadened by the young minds I will come into contact with over the years. I will never be a parrot professor expecting a regurgitation of my teachings. I would much rather encourage my students to disagree with me, or present new opinions that I would never have thought of myself. And I think that that's part of what is lacking from some classrooms, and what has inspired me about the professors I had at Chatham. My academic upbringing, if you will, from Dr. Adam, Dr. Lenz, and Dr. Dickson-Bruckner has led me to see the classroom and my field as the breeding ground for new and challenging ideas, and that is what I find most exciting about the prospect of teaching college.

** I really freaking miss Wendy. And yes, if you're one of my California friends (or even my PA friends), I know you're probably sick to death of hearing "wendy this" and "wendy that" all summer, but I can't help it. She lived in my cubby for 5 months, listening to me bitch and whine about my life, diving off my bed on occasion, and just generally filling my days with laughter and companionship and I miss that.

** I am a total California girl. Now that my health is improving to better than it was in high school, I am aching to get my hands dirty learning to do new things. I want to start surfing again, take lessons at school, and take advantage of all the opportunities I'm going to have this year. I want to learn to kayak and canoe, I want to go camping all the time. My mom might even let me take some of the camping stuff with me, which will be fabulous, and whatever she doesn't, I can slowly accumulate or rent from my school. I love the ocean, I love the redwoods, I love my state. I love the way you can never dream to big in California. I love the way the ocean breeze blows through my hair, the sound of waves crashing on the beach, the feel of cool sand between my toes, the sight of dolphins swimming just a ways off shore. I love knowing that the very edge of a continent is right in my backyard, and that I can go down to the beach and stare off into forever. I love the idea of getting onto a surfboard and dancing with the waves, knowing the same wave could kill me or make me fly, depending on ocean conditions. I love being able to drive beside the ocean and know that every single inch of coastline is different, unique. I am California and California is me. No matter where I end up living, this state will always live in my center.

** I really hate the history of my family, the way it's wrapped up in lies and secrets. And when I'm here it really eats away at me. But the one thing that keeps me sane is the knowledge that I don't have to carry it forward. If I marry, if I have kids, I can use my experiences to have a happier, healthier family life, for me and my loved ones. I value honesty and truth so much because it's always been somewhat elusive to a certain degree. My mom has never lied to me, and I will follow her example and leave all this crap behind. Hopefully, when my grandmother passes, it will all pass with her, and cease to haunt us all the same way.

** I like this design, but I'm already thinking about others. I'm keeping the templates around, and I'm sure I'll use them all in turn. I want to be able to change more often, not get stuck in the same layout for very long. And now that I've been experimenting with photoshop and dreamweaver, well, maybe I'll get better at it as I go along.

** Is it just me, or have there been a lot of kidnappings on the news lately? I'm inclined to think that they're just covering it better, and not that there's actually been an increase. See, California just implimented something called the "Amber Alert System", which is a network of signs on freeways and media contacts and police and such so that the instant a kidnapping is reported, every bit of releasable info is broadcasted everywhere... on the news, to all different police districts, on these freeway signs, on the radio, you name it. So in a way, it employs every man woman and child in the state to look for the missing person. Two teenagers were abducted early yesterday morning (1 a.m.) and the girls were found less than 12 hours later, safe (although assaulted), because of the Amber Alerts. I'm all for this. With the speed of information thats possible these days, there's no reason we shouldn't be able to find people faster. I just hope that people don't get desensitized to these types of crimes. In a way, I think it will build a feeling of community by allowing people to have a hand in keeping their friends and neighbors safe. Hopefully this will limit the diffusion of responsibility, so that people will realize that in some ways, we are all responsible for looking after one another.

bah. my mind is a blank now, though I'll prolly write more later.

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 4:37 PM   0 comments

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