Okay, so mayhaps I should dish and explain some things, mainly the impetus for this redesign.

So it happens every year. If you've been reading this blog for any real length of time, you know by now that I get really excited about changes in scenery, but that the excitement gives way, not so slowly, to a plague of loneliness, self-doubt, and other various and assorted brands of misery. And naturally this time is no different. And even though I know this, it still doesn't prevent me from sinking into occasional periods of abyssmal saddness.

On some level, I feel like maybe coming here was a bad idea. I liked the idea of coming here because it's a small town. Thing is, it is a small town, but to me this school feels like a big city. Everywhere I look there's a sea of faces I don't recognize. I miss the close-knit community from Chatham. I miss knowing everyone and everyone knowing me. I miss walking in to apply for a job and knowing that the people I'm talking to know me by reputation by now, and that the resume in my hand is a mere formality. I miss being on a first name basis with students, faculty, staff, and hordes of people I've never sat down to have a lengthly conversation with. God help me, I even miss the dining hall and the hub. Why? Because I could at least walk in there and see a familiar face. I miss going to work in the web dev office and joking around with Jen about the ironies of teaching faculty how to build web pages. I miss creating god awful pages with Wendy for the sole purpose of demonstrating what not to do. I miss the riotous laughter and table pounding of the dining hall, and to a certain degree, even the feeling of nausia that would inevitably follow each meal. I miss hearing Doc Adam say "terrific!" or seeing Dr. Lenz blush anytime something naughty came up in American Lit. I miss Lynn skipping around the room reciting Chaucer's Canturbury Tales in middle english, or drawing phallic pictures on the board.

There are nice things about this place too. I like most of my classes, the campus is beautiful, even down to the hiking trails I take to get to class. I can look out the windows during class and see the ocean (doesn't do much for my class participation, mind you.) The air here is clean, and the water is so clean my bottle of Aquafina was clearer after I refilled it from the tap.

I dunno. Maybe it's just that I have too much time to think. I know things would be easier if I had a job, because at least then I'd have more to do with my time, be earning money, and be exposed to more people, with, hopefully, the result of making new friends. And hell, at least then I'd leave my apartment more. Plus then maybe I could move off campus and get Wendy out here...

You know, the main reason I came out here was to be closer to home, and bugger if I didn't botch that one too. Home is 12 hours away... a lot closer mileage wise, but it also means driving for 12 hours in each direction. In some ways it feels like home is even farther away now.

On the upside, I can still go back to Chatham, maybe, if things are still like this at the end of the school year. I figure I'll apply for financial aid at both Humboldt and Chatham, just like last time, and see what Chatham has to offer me. If it looks doable, maybe I'll do it. But who knows. That's months away, and I don't feel like I need to make a decision just yet. Hopefully it'll wear off and I can stay here. I really hate the idea of giving up... knowing me, it's probably just culture shock. If memory serves, I did this at Chatham too.

Also, I have some leads on jobs, so hopefully one of them will pan out.

And then there's something else I'm looking forward to, in about, oh, 56 days now... vague? maybe... I have to keep some secrets, after all... You don't actually think I post everything in here, do you?