Well, I'm alone at work again, and thinking too much again like I always do. I feel so needy whining about the lack of guys in my life, but dammit, this is my weblog, and if you're sick of my drivel, you know where the little "x" is on this window. I'm just sick of feeling alone, I guess. I'm sick of having this whole other side to myself and no one to show it to. And I feel like my family is shrinking at an alarming rate. Really, I have this huge family... two aunts and one uncle remaining, and seven cousins somewhere out there, not to mention my dad and his three sons and, my uncle Gene, my aunt Kathy and grandma Margaret... all of these family members... but on holidays, like christmas for instance, when the house used to be full of people, now there is only me, my mother, my sister, my uncle, my grandmother, and sometimes my cousin Denise and her daughter. And Denise doesn't really feel like driving out to see us because it's far, and my grandmother is not getting any younger. I sometimes wonder what will become of me when I am an adult. I'm so picky when it comes to guys that it's really highly unlikely that I'll ever marry. For as much agrivation as my family can be, the world seems a very lonely prospect without knowing that they are there. And I have all these cousins that I hardly know. Through no fault of our own we grew up seperately, and now our lives hardly connect except by act of will. I need to contact them and at least make an attempt to be part of their lives. I feel like we should be close, if for no other reason than the shared wierdness of our familial past.

Besides my family, there's also my friends. I feel like I am growing apart from my friends at home, and I'm really not sure how I feel about that. For as long as I've known them, I really don't think they know me any better than my friends here do, and I know thats more than partly my fault. and every time I'm home I feel like I'm reverting to the person that I was when I left home, and I don't like that. I've changed a lot here, and right, wrong, or indifferent, I can't go back to that. And no, it's not their fault that I feel pressured to be how I was before, it's my fault. It's in my head, I know it is. Conditional Behaviorism... Meaning I was in that environment thinking and acting a certain way for so long, that when I'm back there, it's reflex to go back to that set of behavior. I wonder what it will be like when I go to Humboldt next year? It's a different environment, so I can't be the same. Maybe a pleasant middle ground? One things for sure, given my almost spiritual connection to the ocean, it's perfectly rediculous to be this far from it any longer than necessary.

Maybe it's being at an all girls school thats doing this to me, but I could just really go for a nice guy to have long conversations with, or to sit in silence with even. From the experiences I've had, guys like that don't actually exist here. All the guys I've met in Pittsburgh are either uptight, or completely vapid, or just indifferent. Hopefully the ones at Humboldt will be a little more appealing... maybe even creative and somewhat unconventional??? *ghasp!* It's probably just me, but it seems like people in general just carry themselves different here. People in CA are more laid back and casual, and they don't seem perpetually uncomfortable. Naturally this is me speaking within one week of being home, and so everything here seems putrid to me at the moment, and so I'm expressing this opinion with all the impartiality that the homesick-goggles can afford me. *sigh* Can this week just be over already? Like now???