Sometimes I feel like a total work-in-progress. There are so many things I want to be, and do, and accomplish, and sometimes it's really overwhelming and I wonder if I'll ever be able to fulfill it all. And some of my goals are pitifully simple, like keeping my room neat, and some of them are ridiculously complex, even delving into the impossible, like I think it would be cool if I could levitate. And sometimes I really feel like I'm waiting for something to happen, like once the pieces fall into the right places, it will all make sense and I can move forward in a relatively linear fashion with a sense of purpose and a sense of what the world is as it relates to me. I'm not even sure, really, what all this is that I'm waiting for, it's just one of those "I hope to recognize it when it's happened" type of things. Is it stability I'm waiting for? Maybe. Maybe it'll be when I'm living in a ridiculously cool house with things all over it that speak of me. Maybe when I have a job that doesn't feel temporary? I think it's mainly because my life has always felt like this constant state of upheaval, nothings ever been concrete, and every movement and direction has always had a clear end in sight that's led to another temporary movement. I have a feeling that I'm perched in the limbo between adolesence and adulthood, and while everyone else sees me as an adult (or at least I'd like to think so), I still don't qualify in my own opinion. Maybe one day when I'm forty it'll just creep up on me suddenly.

And now that I'm about to leave PA, the same old uncertainty is filling my head. Where is it, exactly, that I belong? Cause it's not in L.A., I know that. L.A. makes me feel like I'm swimming in a sea of lost people. And it's not Whittier either. Whittier is too full of people that remind me of things that don't exactly comfort me. It's too much the sleepy little town where my life has been turbulent in many ways. Besides, it's creepy to be somewhere in town and keep running into people I went to high school with who either never left, or have come back to roost. And who knows if it will be Northern California. The areas in California where I could see myself staying are the type that would require things falling into place in just the right way. Like if I won the lottery, or was hired to teach at Humboldt or UCSC. And then there would be the issue of isolation, at least until I could find like minds. I don't think I could live in London for lots of reasons, not the least of which is that people just don't meet new people there... especially if they happen to be American. Not to mention the tense feeling that seems to press down upon everything. Funny, I used to think that the more I traveled, the more likely I would find a place that fit me well, but it hasn't actually worked that way. And the fact that people are more important to me than place complicates things a little, because my family is in CA, and I have friends both there and in PA. It's really started to hit me recently how bad I'm going to miss my friends here, especially WotWot and the GBD.

I think the biggest issue I have at the moment is uncertainty. Nothing seems solid or definite, and I seem to be unable to make assumptions when it comes to anything, really. I do really well in the academic arena, but when it comes to interpreting people and situations that have a direct and significant influence on my goals, desires, and state of mind, I am almost ridiculously timid. I won't jump to conclusions, I won't make assumptions. I won't even put puzzle pieces together without someone telling me specifically where they go. I can dream, and imagine, and try to logically come up with the most plausible conclusion, but in the end, plausibility doesn't lead to a decision on my part. Like right now, chances are that once I get all the application b.s. done with Humboldt, I'm probably going to get accepted. My gpa and SAT scores are likely enough to get me into a fairly prestigious private college. But will I let myself believe it? Not until the letter is in my hand telling me it's a done deal. And I could apply that same formula to a handful of situations in my life at the moment.

Hopefully this summer I'll be able to relax a bit, and if not get a supreme handle on things, at least put myself back into perspective (well, which perspective? not sure it actually matters.)