I think I'm okay now.

I guess it sounds ridiculous, but I kind of forgot how intense my emotions can be. I remember when I was younger, like in high school, and I was so intense, emotionally. Like everything had so much weight to it, and things could either make my life or completely ruin it just like that. And then high school ended, and I learned to be detatched, and just not think about things like that anymore. And then I went to Chatham, because I felt like I needed time away from myself, in a way, or at least away from the things I knew would distract me from my education. So I was effectively unemotional for a good year and a half, and then there was my wakeup call. But that never came into the light of day, and eventually faded back into the darkness, without so much as a backward glance, it would seem. And now, in a sense, I'm back to how I was in high school, where I feel everything so acutely, so intensely, that sometimes things just really knock the wind out of me.

I'm not sure which is worse, feeling nothing, or feeling everything with this much intensity... both scare me, but in different ways. The apathy sometimes made me wonder if I was really alive, or if I was just a series of similar days without incident. And now, well, it's odd... I feel like I'm vulnerable because in a sense everything is still so new to me here, and it sometimes feels like my emotions are so much bigger than I am, that they're controlling me instead of vice versa.

One of these days I hope to find equilibrium, or at least a reasonable substitute.