stacy was here (and probably spinning....)















Stacy Was Here :
Back at the Beginning

Sunday, December 15, 2002

it's been raining her for about four days now, the most rain I've seen since I left Pittsburgh. and it's not even California rain, really, at least not the kind I've seen before. last night it got so heavy that I looked out my window and saw a solid wall of water. there are all sorts of flood and high-wind advisories covering the next few weeks, and according to the forecast, this is going to continue until at least Christmas Eve... probably longer.

it's eerie sometimes, how there seems to be a direct relationship between the weather and my moods. maybe it's the whimsy in my imagination, but I've never really been sure whether the weather affects my moods or whether my moods affect the weather... maybe it's silly... but sometimes I'll be at the beach and the tide comes in just as I'm rolling up the bottom of my jeans as if to greet me.

lately I've come to a state of acceptance about the way things are. I'm lonely here, and I'm going to be lonely here for the next year and a half. I have passing thoughts of going back to Chatham or transfering to another Cal State closer to home, but I don't know that either of those are real options. Chatham would have to offer me a lot more financial aid than they did before for it to even be possible for me to go back, and even then I'm not sure I would. Granted Chatham had an excellent English dept, I'm still not sure I would be as well prepared for grad school as if I stay here. I'm being stretched academically here in a way that I wasn't at Chatham, and I'm being pushed to be more independant. If I transfered to another Cal State, closer to home, I would save a lot of money on housing costs, but I don't know if I can tolerate living at home full time, and I think I might be too distracted. Besides, there are reasons that I left, and I suspect that those reasons are still present. As liberating it is to be in a comfortable area, the threat of stagnation is ever present. I always feel my self settling into a mold that doesn't fit quite right, and into an apathy that doesn't push me to change anything. As lonely as I am, being here, and as remote and confining as this place can be, I am still growing, still progressing in a way I don't think I would at Chatham or here. And no matter what, I need that growth and that progress. It's just a bit daunting, somehow, when you're staring it in the face. I'm becoming what I've always known I could be, and I'm filled with unparalleled curiousity for it.

it's not that I want it all to happen now... it's that I want to fast-forward to the moment when it's all happening...

I'm standing face to face with one of my World-Famous Liminal Moments(tm). And there's nothing quite as daunting as facing the unknown within yourself. Especially now, with a stronger foundation than ever before, I feel the potential in me to become like never before. The feeling of freedom is intense, and nothing could be more freeing than the feeling of continuity and belonging I've found of late, with a little assistance. I wish I could do more than ask "Are we there yet?"

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 1:34 PM   0 comments


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