so things are a bit better than in my last post.

went out to visit my dad & company once more before I go back. I felt more comfortable this time. maybe it's just me, maybe I'm getting more used to the idea of them being part of my life again. I was also thinking about it, and maybe it's possible that while I was feeling rejected by my dad that I was doing things to make him feel rejected to. In any case, my goal is to put as much of the hurt and resentment behind me, because holding onto it is just not doing me any good. In some ways it's hard, like I wish we could just sit down and talk through everything, and figure out why he's done things and why I've done things, but I don't know if we'll ever be able to be that open with one another. at any rate, even if I doubted it, it was easy to see in his mannerisms that he does care a lot and love me, so even if we can't talk things out I can still forgive him for mistakes he's made. he said he's very proud of me, when I told him about my grades, which was really nice to hear.

it was nice to see and hang out with my brothers again too. I got to go driving with Joey, which didn't give us a whole lot of time to talk, but it was still cool. I think it will be a while before they, especially Joey, trust that I'm going to keep in touch like I've said I will, because I said the same thing last time and didn't follow through with it. It was harder to be there when I was younger, for a lot of reasons, and when I hit an age where I was able to say "no more", I did, and it was easier to just not face it. I guess in some ways I can see what might have kept my dad from being there for me more. but if thats true, then I also know how the other side of it feels, and it's even more important to me that I not fall into the same pattern, so I'm going to try and be as close, to my brothers especially, as I can be.

I'll be leaving for school either Saturday night or Sunday morning, depending on what time Michelle gets here on Saturday. if we leave on Saturday we'll stay at Mikey's that night and get to school on Sunday. if we leave on Sunday, it's straight through. I'll miss my mom and my sister, but I really can't wait to leave. being in this house drains me a lot, especially being around my grandmother. besides, the sooner I get back to school, the sooner the semester will be over. and if there's one thing I can't wait for while I'm waiting to graduate, it's summer. and before that, spring break. I'm kind of glad I have so many classes. the busier I am at school, the faster the time will go and the less time I will spend thinking about how much I miss everyone.

my glasses will be ready on Thursday or Friday. this is what they look like. hopefully that anti-glare coating will make the drive up easier, not to mention reading off the computer.

I'm back on the happy yellow pills. my curse will end soon.