so I've been feeling kind of flat lately... like dead, like nothing really matters and I'm just plodding along going through the motions out of instinct more than actual will. it's pouring down rain like mad, today, and I'm soaking wet even though my roommate let me borrow her umbrella. and it doesn't really matter what I do today or tomorrow because it's not really going to change anything about anything. my sphere of influence has shrunk so that it is almost unrecognizable at this point, really. it's gotten so small to where I don't even really think I have that much influence over myself, because I keep going through the motions even though my heart isn't in anything right now. I guess this is probably just another defense mechanism, because if my heart wasn't really in it then it wouldn't bother me or I could just give up or something.

today when I get done with class I'll go back to my room and read for a while, until I finish Crime and Punishment because I have to write a paper on it this week. and then who knows. this morning the internet was down and maybe it's a sign I should just leave my computer off today, since I don't really have the time I've been sqeezing out of my day to talk to people.