My sister was in a wedding tonight. She wasn't supposed to be in the wedding tonight, but since her other sister is pregnant and couldn't fit into the dress she was supposed to wear, and my mom agreed to alter the dress to fit my sister, my sister took her place. The shoes they had ordered didn't fit. In fact they were two sizes too small. So after talking to the mother of the groom, my mom and I went to every effing store in the mall trying to find shoes that were similar enough. We found shoes that were very close, minus some rhinestones, so my mom got them and then added rhinestones to the shoes to make them match better. Now, my mom frequently adds rhinestones to things for dance competitions and lots of other things, so it's not like Aunt Ethel went crazy with the bedazzler or anything, they looked just fine. The bride, however, threw a fit because they weren't exactly the same as the shoes the other girls were wearing, so my sister had to spend the entire effing ceremony wearing shoes that were TWO EFFING SIZES too small for her. If it had been me, I think I would have bludgeoned her with the shoes.

So it got me thinking. If I ever go into a mode like that, someone please effing shoot me, because I obviously don't have the sanity to be embarking on a life-long relationship. And here, for your approval, I submit my Contract for my Wedding Attendants.

For All attendants, I expect you to:
*attend my wedding, wearing the respective garments me and Fuzzy have chosen.
*have bathed in recent memory
*be reasonably well groomed
*have a good time and relax, for crying out loud

I promise you:
*I will not try to micromanage every aspect of your attire and appearance
*You can choose your own goddamned shoes, goddamnit. My only guidelines are that they be black, and for the girls, sandals. Trust me, May/June in Southern California, and you will enjoy the fact that you're wearing sandals. They can have any size heel you want, and I don't care if you take them off the second the ceremony is over, because I will be doing the same thing.
*You can wear your hair however the hell you want (with the possible exception of dreadlocks.)
*I will do my very best to make this as fun and as inexpensive an experience as possible. My mom is making all the dresses, which will save everyone around $100 a piece. Most of you will be having to make expensive travel arrangements, so I hope this helps a bit.

Other random things I am tentatively planning, just food for thought:
*bachelorette party at Disneyland. several of you are underage, and seriously, I've seen male strippers, they are NASTY, AND most of you have never been. Anyone can come, including the groom and his guys. atypical, maybe, but seriously, what can be better than a huge unruly mob invading Disneyland?
*I'm doing the flowers myself, and I'm thinking that all of the ladies can put together they're own bouquet, if you want to. If not, I'll put one together for you.
*Chatham reunion at the Yard House. Lots of booze and silly hats, and lets not forget the obnoxious laughs and table pounding. Woot.