Late last night I got home from Southern California. The bus trip was long and brutal, and I kind of feel like it ran over me rather than driving me back home, but I'm trying to recover as quickly as possible so I can go back to work tomorrow. One of my wisdom teeth is killing me, but fortunately my Uncle Gary is going to give me the money to have it taken out. He's the uncle who's always looked after me, my moms brother, not the one I mentioned, briefly, the last time I got back from so cal.

The funeral service was nice, the biggest and most involved funeral I've ever been to. I sang "Bridge Over Troubled Water", and spent the whole time shaking and trying not to lose it. At the end, in the last verse, the one that seemed more appropriate to me than the other two, I just kind of closed my eyes and sang just for her. Even though there was a guy singing with musical acompaniment and people reading things, I was the only one people clapped for, and it kind of makes me sad. I wanted it to be just for her, just about her, but everyone kept mentioning it to me, when they came by the family row they told me I did a beautiful job and then told me they were sorry for my loss. I just wanted to sing for her, not steal the spotlight or showcase myself. At the end, at the graveside, I sat by my dad and held his hand while he cried. I think I'm the only one who noticed him crying, and I wanted to tell him so many things. It means so much to me that he went to see her in the hospital when she was still with us, and that he came through for my aunt, to help her make the arrangements and everything. It meant a lot to me, too, to see him cry at the funeral. It's only the second time I've ever seen him cry, but it's beautiful to me, because he hardly shows his emotions at all sometimes, and although I've learned to see the little ways he does, it was soul refreshing to see how much he really did love her and share that moment with him. After the service, we all went to a gathering hosted by a friend of my aunt. It was the first time so many people from my family were all together in the same place, from my moms side and my dads, people who haven't seen each other in decades...
(click for larger photos)


(this isn't even the whole group...)


me, my mom, and my sister Amie


me and Amie

I took one of the plants someone sent for the service home so that I could have something to remember her, something that will grow and live. It was a pain in the ass to drag it back up here on the two busses and a train, and we had to be sneaky, my lily plant and I, so it travelled in disguise, wrapped in a trash bag and another plastic bag from a department store. Now that it's home, I unwrapped it, put a little dr. earth into the top of the soil, and gave it a good watering. It now sits on my back porch with my other plants. It's just beautiful, and I know it will do well here, since the things grow wild all over humboldt county.





I got to hang out with my friend Kester, who I always have great conversations with, and this time was no different. We spent hours talking about everything from religion to relationships to philosophy. It's strange how talking about things can make your thoughts more lucid, and I came away from it feeling luckier than ever, and more blessed than ever to have Fuzzy in my life. I feel like it's the fulfillment of my old prediction, that when you meet the right person you see them, not so much as they are, but as the person they have the potential to become. I think about how much both of us have grown in the last two and a half years, and how much more comfortable I am with myself and with my life, and I realized that it's almost all due to him. He's made me want to become a better person, and then helped me make progress on those goals. I believe I am the luckiest person I have ever known, to be here, living this life, living with him, loving him, and growing as a person because he believes in me. I hope I will always have the strength and self-control to be the person he sees in me.

I've been knitting more again, though I've been naughty and started a new project before I've even made a dent in the old ones. *sigh* Sometimes I have to do that, though, to regain my motivation. I'm making the branching out scarf from this seasons knitty. It's knitting up nicely, though I did have to frog it once when I mysteriously ended up with fewer stitches than I was supposed to have. I'm using Red Heart's Symphony, which is turning out nice and soft, though obviously will be very warm. I'm a little disappointed that the lace pattern isn't that easy to see because the yarn is fluffy, and it makes it hard, sometimes, to see the stitches clearly on the needle, but I figure if I finish this and it turns out well, it'll be easy to make the next one because I'll pick easier yarn to work with. Here are some pics: