For the first time in my life, I am in a depression that I cannot control. It feels like falling into an abyss, and I'm scared in a totally ambivalent way. I don't want to be me anymore, but I don't know what else to be, either. I just know that it's total agony to live inside my skin. Nothing makes me happy, everything feels like work, even just getting out of bed every morning. The only thing I look forward to is going to sleep every night, but I can't even do that anymore without pills.