stacy was here (and probably spinning....): The Story of My Marriage















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Tuesday, March 03, 2009

The Story of My Marriage

So, probably not a big mystery to anyone who knows me, but Chris and I have split up, and we have decided to divorce.  Before anyone fires off emails of condolence, however, please know that I think this is a really positive thing, for both of us.

We first met online, and things happened very quickly.  In 3 days, he asked me to be his "girlfriend", and within a week was already saying "I love you".  It felt really fast, but I am also a hopeless romantic and so it was a little too easy to buy into it and to believe it.  We talked about marriage from the very beginning, we talked about being together forever before we had even met in person.

I think we both wanted it to be true, I really do.  I don't believe for one second that either one of us lied intentionally or led the other on, it went on for too long for that to be true.  But I do think that we were so wrapped up in the fantasy of things that when we met, face to face, neither one of us wanted to admit that the chemistry wasn't there.  Don't get me wrong, Chris is a great person.  He's fun to hang out with, he's smart, and he's kind.  But the fire wasn't there.  We should never have been more than friends.

I don't think either one of us wanted to see this, and so we kept on plodding along.  It was easier when we were 3000 miles away, even when he was in so cal and I was at school up north.  By the time we lived together, by the time we were in the same place for more than a week at a time, it was  nearly 2 years into our relationship, we had a history, we had things invested, and I think it seemed like a boulder rolling down hill that no one knows how to stop.  I also think we both thought, on some level, that things would get better once we were married. 

I know how naive we must have been for all this to happen, but finding true love is something most people dream of, and it's so easy to believe in something when you really really want it to be true.  But no matter how much you may fool your brain, you can't fool your heart forever.  Neither of us have been happy or fulfilled.  We've had good moments, happy moments, but never the overwhelming moments where you feel like your life has finally reached it's fullest bounds.  

He's a homebody.  He likes comfort, stability, reliability, sameness.  I'm an adventurer.  I will never stop looking at the globe and wanting to be somewhere other than where I am, at least not in some capacity.  A couple of months ago we went on a drive, and we talked and I told him that I thought he only married me because it was the next logical step.  I say this only because I don't want everyone blaming him for something that is equally my fault.  The signs were only there, it just took us a while to wake up to them.

So we separated.  At that point I wanted to go to counseling and fix things, partly because I wasn't ready to let go of the grand delusion yet, and partly because I was petrified of what would happen to my life if things didn't work out.  It took me a few weeks, but I realized that the things I was grieving for were the comforts of a relationship, not about a love that could stand the test of time.  I realized, in essence, that he was right, that it was time to end things.

I've been thinking a lot lately, and I feel like this is the best thing that could happen at this juncture in my life.  The longer I am removed from the situation, the farther away that life seems to me.  I feel like my old self again, like who I was seven years ago, before we met, but a little older and a little wiser for this experience.  I feel comfortable with myself, and I feel like the entire world is now open for me to explore.  I have gotten back my sense of adventure, and I've gotten over my anxiety for the little things that don't really matter.  I think in the last seven years I've been older than I should have been, more serious than I wanted to be, and less curious than is even possible for me.  I resigned myself to a life I wasn't ready to settle into, and now I feel like I can get back on track to wherever it is life is going to take me.

I also feel like divorcing gives both of us the chance to go out there and find something real, something toe-curling and awe inspiring.  I hope for that most of all, for me and for him to both find happiness and fulfillment in our lives and with other people.

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posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 5:57 PM   0 comments


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