So I'm settling in here, getting this room cleaned out more and more and, of course, trying to find a job (while simultaneously hoping the one I'm in line for works out this coming week.) There are several things that I am enjoying about my new life, about being single.

Tonight I went out to the knitting group, and I swear it was almost like being back at Chatham again. We were at a coffee shop, the same one we always meet at, and we were laughing so loud, drawing derisive looks from the other patrons, some of whom were obviously there to study. Seriously, though? Go to a library to study, and stop staring at us. You're just jealous that we're here having such a good time. Also, I apparently make a lot of drug references: I referred to Lorinda as my "fiber pusher", described ska music as "swing music on meth", and said that spinning is like crack. Funny thing is that I've never actually done any illegal drugs. *shrug*

It's just nice to be able to plan my time without regard for anyone... It's not like Chris ever made huge demands on me or anything, but it's different when you can just fill your time without having to think about another person. I'm running a book club and a stitch n' bitch, I'm reading book after book after book, spinning yarn for long periods of time while dancing around like an idiot with iTunes turned up on my laptop. It's basically awesome.

Also, I'm basically turning this room into my own personal little cave of wonder. Once I get it cleaned, I'm putting the loft bed up on craigslist to get it out of here, and then that corner is going to be my library and fiber corner, and will house my yarn/fiber stash and my spinning wheel, along with all my books. I found my old candles and have put them out all over the room because, god, I love candlelight more than I can say. It's not terribly practical, but I don't care.

Right now I'm reading Zinn's A People's History of the United States, which absolutely everyone should read. It's not unbiased, no history text is, but Zinn is absolutely transparent about the lens he's using from the first chapter on, and it balances out the history we're all taught in school, from elementary school onward. I've read part of this before in my US History course, taught by the wonderful Dr. Sterling Evans, one of the best professors I've ever had. Now I'm going back to reread the entire thing from the beginning. It's a fantastic, eye-opening book. I wouldn't say it should be the only book on US History anyone should read, but I think it gives the perspective that is so missing from the standard historical discourse, which I believe was Zinn's intention.

The spinning continues apace, and I've now filled one bobbin (aka a TP tube) with about an ounce of lovely alpaca single. I plied up a bit of it, and while it's not a full worsted weight at 3-ply (about half of the worsted weights thickness, actually), it's very close to the weight of the recommended yarn from the pattern, so I think it'll be a good thickness for the pattern. Even if my gauge is a little smaller than what's recommended in the pattern, I'm actually between two sizes, so I could just make the larger size at a slightly smaller gauge to get a better fit out of it. I ordered the needles, and they should be here soon, maybe even by the end of the week, so then I can knit the little bit I've plied up and see how it's looking (I don't think I have enough navajo plied for a gauge swatch, but it will give me a rough idea.)

All in all, things are going very well for me right now. Hopefully the job thing pans out soon so that I can be gainfully employed and not a damn freeloader anymore.

Labels: creativity, goals, happy, knitting, life, spinning

Ok, so now I'm thinking of being a little naughty and a little crazy and getting more of this delicious alpaca from Lorinda so I can make this with it:



I think it would be exquisite in this yarn, though I'm not sure how many times I'll have to ply it to get the right weight to the yarn... I might just have to use teh math to figure it out, but thats never hard...

Labels: creativity, goals, knitting, spinning, yarnporn

So, probably not a big mystery to anyone who knows me, but Chris and I have split up, and we have decided to divorce.  Before anyone fires off emails of condolence, however, please know that I think this is a really positive thing, for both of us.

Labels: goals, happy, history, life

Labels: creativity, goals, happy, life, photos, spinning, yarnporn

I'm not sure if anyones even checking this, it's been so long since I updated... Sorry about that, imaginary audience, but I need to write to maintain the delusions that support my fragile ego, and an imaginary audience will have to do....

Life has been interesting in the last few months... We got an apartment and I'm working and things are just sort of there. They aren't awful, they aren't inspiring or wonderful. I get up every day, I go to work, I come home and read or watch TV or not. I'm just sort of existing.

I've never been good at just existing. Is anyone? It seems like people must be, because I don't suppose everyone can be excited and fulfilled all of the time. I wonder if that would get tiring eventually, too?

My dad is back in the hospital again, and I'm tired of climbing the walls while my stomach eats away at itself, so I'm going home for a while, like a month, I think. It's conflicting, because I'll be far from my husband, but it's good for pretty much every other reason besides that. I miss my family like crazy, and I need a break from here, because things aren't clicking for me and I need to feel alive again. Mostly I'm excited to get away from my shadow. I don't think I've been alone for months now, and that always degrades ones sensibilities, no?

I've been getting ready to apply for grad school. I planned to apply this year to start next fall, but with everything going on with my dad I decided not to push it. This way I'll have more time to study for the GRE's (not to mention taking the biology subject test), as well as writing better quality essays and all of that. I might be applying to Cambridge, though I've no idea what my chances of success are. There's a war going on inside me about which version of my life and my self I want to pursue. I'm not sure which one will win, or whether there's some way to make both of them into one complete me. The only thing I'm sure of is that I miss learning, and I miss having hope that something better is in the works for me. I think if I don't go to grad school I will wither and die like a consumptive poet.

I kind of need something spectacular to happen. Don't get me wrong, I'm willing to work on behalf of said spectacular thing, I'm not one of those people who waits to win the lottery without ever playing, but if things could work out in my favor just a little, or if I could get a bit of decisive luck one way or the other to make my path a little clearer, I think it would be easier. Anything is better than stagnation; nothing has ever been so devestating to my happiness.

On the plus side, I think my issues with anxiety and with PTSD have passed. I haven't had a panic attack since before we left California, and I'm feeling strong and in control of myself. I was so afraid for so long that I'd never get back to a place of control and stability, and it's a huge relief. I may not know what's coming next for me, but at least I feel like I have the strength to confront it head-on.

Well, anyway, enough soul-searching (read: self-important rambling) for me. At any rate, homeward I go, so call me if you're still reading this, in the southern california area, and want to hang out.

Labels: goals, life

So, Jan, the wonderful woman who sold me my wheel, sent me a new driveband and new bobbins, and my wheel spins so much better than before and it's perfecter (which I know is not a word, but it applies), and my spinning has improved because of it. Happy Stacy? Yes, happy Stacy :) Right now I am spinning that glorious merino/tencel blueberry fiber I got from Paradise Fibers, and it is effing gorgeous, see?


I am in fiber-licious heaven :) And I have new goodies coming soon, more fiber, that other spindle I ordered, etc, so I am looking forward to spinning more stuff and getting good enough to sell my stuff. I'm hoping to have some sales-worthy yarn coming out within the next month.

Labels: creativity, goals, happy, photos, spinning, yarnporn

Apparently my last post was number 1,000.... s'too bad I spent it mostly bitching, but hey, thats what happens when I spend a week silently detesting my grandmother and having panic attacks.

I'm back home now, and decidedly more cheerful for it. Classes started today and I think this semester is going to be nice and peaceful, which I'm excited about. I've got a bunch of knitting and spinning classes to teach this and next month, and I'm totally looking forward to that. Plus the move is coming closer (as long as we can get the funds together.) I'm excited about it, I can't wait to be someplace new, and it feels like life will really start once I get there, you know? Like house-buying, baby-having, goat-chasing life.

I put my first pattern up for sale on etsy, and you can find it here: scarflette! It's really simple and basic, but I've gotten a bunch of complements on it since I've been wearing it, so I figured I'd give it a try. The patterns a PDF, and I'll email it out to whoever buys it.

It's on a different etsy account, because I'm trying to get a craft business started with my peeps Tully and Michelle, so I've started us up an account to see if we can generate a little business momentum.

Labels: creativity, etsyshop, goals, happy, knitting, photos

Y'all may not know this, but I am a *freak* for the holidays, like you can't believe. No matter how many bad things happen, or how jaded I may be the rest of the year, I totally buy into the holiday spirit every single year just like I were still 6 years old or something. And this year, I need it so much more than ever. It's restorative, in a way I guess.

As I write this, our Willie Bird turkey is brining in it's apple cider/salt water/allspice and bay leaf brine. It'll soak all night and most of tomorrow in this mixture. The salt help the liquid absorb into the turkey and also helps to make the meat more tender.

Tomorrow night, I'll take it out of the brine and let it rest overnight. Then, on Thursday, we roast it and eat it, which is the bestest part, totally.

My mum and sister will be here on Thursday morning. I am soooo effing excited, like you can't possibly believe. I miss them so bad, I can't even put it into words. It will be bliss if me and Chris can build our house out in NY like we want to, with a little cottage for my mum, and plenty of room if my sister decides to go to college out there and live with us.

Five years from now, I want to have at least one nerd baby. I want to be prepping a turkey in our house, on our own land. I want to go outside and feed the llamas and goats, and give them some special treats. I'll slip some apple slices in for the rabbits. We'll slip some turkey to the cats and to Winston, and maybe some other goodies as well. Chris and my mum can be taking care of little Sophie or Connor. Maybe nerd baby number two will be in the works. Maybe Chris's family will join us there. Who knows what traditions we'll have by then, or who else might be there, or anything like that. The rest, the details, aren't important

Labels: goals, happy, life

Once there was a girl named Stacy.

Okay, so Stacy was kind of a dork, maybe, and this picture is from before she lost 40 pounds, but you get the point. Anyway, she went through this major ordeal that made her feel like a crazy person.
Just sayin. Anyway, after a long time, Stacy and her husband, made a huge move across the country to New York State. On her 29th birthday (hinthint!), her husband got her a wonderful English Bulldog puppy, whom she named Winston.


Winston was totally awesome. He liked to wear shoes in the snow, and would spend hours on Stacy's lap, snurfling a bit because of his foldy face, and when she came home every day his whole body would wag because he was so happy to see her.

Once Winston had settled in, Stacy and her uber-friend Tully decided to get them a pair of angora bunnies.
The bunnies were cute, kind of like a giant cotton ball with half a face in the middle of it. Tully and Stacy combed the bunnies every week, and collected their fur to make yarn out of it.

One day, Tully said "I've got it! We can make yarn out of alpacas and goats next!"

And they did. They bought a huge plot of land and filled it with goats and alpacas. They also built a barn, and two big houses that were connected by a rope bridge, because none of these people every fully grew up, but thats ok. They also built a little cottage for Stacy's mum, with a fireplace and everything.

Stacy's sister, Amie, thought she was a nutbag at first for wanting to raise animals. But in the end, even SHE had to admit it was totally awesome.

JUST SAYING!!!!!

(p.s., the last picture may also have been taken before I lost 40 lbs. just sayin'.)

Labels: anxiety, creativity, goals, knitting, life, photos

Once upon a time there was a girl named Stacy. She had a husband, whose name was Fuzzy, and a pair of uber gal pals named Tullia and Michelle. Stacy was going to go to grad school, but school applications can be scary, especially when your life is turned upside down and things just don't make any sense anymore, so they decided to buy a huge chuck of land somewhere in NY and raise alpaca llamas, goats, and angora rabbits, make lots of yarn, and open a store that would offer a huge range of neato creativity-related items.


The End.

Labels: anxiety, creativity, goals, knitting, life

Ever winter, we are inundated bya hordes of little furry caterpillars, kind of like this one:

They show up all of a sudden, and you see them inching madly across streets all across town, like some sort of great, furry pilgrimage. Now, in a confession that will surprise no one, I am really a giant five-year-old inside, and I LOVE these little guys. When I was a kid I would find them, and bring them home, and put them in a jar with leaves and holes in the lid and try to keep them like pets. My first instinct when I encounter just about any living thing is to want to take it home and take care of it. This is why I have so many pets, but it turns out that it doesn't work so well for furry little caterpillars. I don't take them home and put them in jars anymore, but I will go to completely abnormal lengths to avoid squishing them. I haven't caused an accident yet, but I do swerve around them when I see them on the street. Today I almost hit one with my bike, and I was so upset that I went back to check on him. I was so relieved to find him still inching determinedly along! So I scooped him up into my hand. He promptly curled up into a tight little ball the way they do, like "nothing to see here! just some wierd plant thing! you should just put me back down again!" I wanted to pet him, but he was scared enough already, so I took him across the street in the direction he'd been heading, and set him down gingerly in the grass. This is me at heart: a caterpillar shuttle service.

I've been getting itchy feet again lately, due to a great combination of things ranging from my recent trauma to just being tired of my messy apartment and the degree of cut-offness in this area. I like the small town thing, I really do, but all the same I wish it wasn't 5 hours to the nearest city. This is what I like about where Chris comes from, it's small, with more quaintness even than you find here, but it's close to Bufallo and Toronto without the grind of Southern California. And I mean quaintness in a good way - nice houses, nice people, small businesses in addition to big chains, lots of parks and green and everything.

When I think about my life after this, I don't think about being rich, or successful, I think about being comfortable. A nice house, but nothing huge. I think about getting up on weekends in the winter and making cinnamon rolls. I think about having a big, squishy bed with lots of comfy blankets. I think about sitting around in the evening knitting, or walking my dog (who will be a mini english bull dog named Winston) on sunny afternoons. I think about sneaking over to see my mom on snowy Saturday mornings in a pair of furry slippers to drink hot cocoa, or what Christmas will be like when we have kids, or Easters or Halloweens for that matter. I'd still really love to write, and to write fiction.

The more I think about all this, though, the more I realize that, most of all, I am defeating myself in my life and in my goals. I always feel like I don't have time for anything, but I spend so much time in front of the computer already, not doing anything productive. I watch way too much TV. I get depressed about the house being such a mess, but I don't get up and clean it, either. I might not be able to fashion this place, or my current day to day life as it is right now into a Norman Rockwell painting, but some of these things that elude me are possible right now. I don't have to wait for the mythical future, I just have to get off my ass and do it.

My counselor, Vincent, and I were talking at our last session about my anxiety attacks. They're really not attached to anything concrete. I've just been blindsided really badly a couple times this year, and so I start to feel like the sky is falling, like something vague but really terrible is going to happen, and I don't know what it is or when or anything. I should really see about getting a job with homeland security. But what Vincent pointed out, and this is brilliant, was that there are things I can control, and things I can't. I know, earth shattering, right? But it's absolutely true, and worrying about things you can't control is a huge waste of time. This is obvious, painfully obvious, to most people. It was perfectly obvious to me a few years ago, before I started this damn battle with anxiety, and before the events of this summer. Somewhere along the line, though, I lost site of it, and I feel like I need to make myself a huge poster of this and stick it up on the wall where I'll see it every day.

But it's freeing, too, in a big way. If I stop wasting time worrying about things I can't control, this will free up lots of times to concentrate on the things that I can control. I can control what I eat. I can control how much I clean, or write, or how often I practice my cello. I can control how much time I watch TV, or how I react to certain situations.

So here are my goals, by day. I'm not going to beat myself up if I don't make them, but they are something for me to focus on, something that I can control and change, an alternative to giving in to the anxiety or the depression.

Monday: 2-3 hours between classes to work on my TA and RA stuff in the lab. Home, at 5:30 at the latest. Clean for about an hour, practice my cello for 30 minutes, this brings me to 7pm. Write or edit my book for at least an hour. Could work out or knit if have time.

Tuesday: 2 hours between classes and work. I usually nap with Franny, which is relaxing for me so I'm not going to veto it, but if I'm awake this would be a good time to clean, as well, or to practice my cello. Get home at 7pm, so I'll work out, or work on my book.

Wednesday: like Monday, work on TA and RA stuff in lab. Home at 3:30, so have a bit more time, which will make it a good time to work on my book. Can clean during breaks or when I either get enough done or hit a spot where I've got no more juice for the day. Also will work out.

Thursdays: same as Tuesdays.

Friday: Work all day until 5pm, but this is the beginning of the weekend. Will reserve this a break day from book if I need it. Can work out, or knit, or relax with the cats.

Weekends: mostly free. Use this to work on book, work out, clean, get things done.

Labels: anxiety, goals