So, yeah. There's a funny thing about major life changes, in particular the ending of a relationship like the one I had before. Life goes into major flux for a long time, and you start to feel like there are times when it's not appropriate to make yourself entirely public about them all the time. Maybe respect for the other persons feeling, maybe because you feel like you need a little time to hide and reinvent yourself a bit, or just to get your two feet back on the floor beneath you so that you can evaluate better what you want to say and who you even are anymore.

Labels: happy, life

Labels: friday5, life

Labels: friday5, life

Been working on something awesome lately, but I don't want to jinx myself, so I'm not talking about it.  That is all.

Labels: creativity, happy, life

So this weekend I went to my sisters cheer competition. This was the nationals level, so pretty intense for her, with a lot of high-caliber performances. Some not so high caliber performances as well, but at any rate you have to be pretty good to compete at this level, and I'm proud of her and the other girls for making it so far.  Two groups (both freshman groups) from Cal won their divisions and are national champions.  Two other groups (varsity song intermediate and crowdleading) made it to the finals and got 2nd and 4th, respectively.  Didn't take a lot of pictures, but I couldn't pass up the mascot heads laying around like hunting trophys:

Labels: cats, creativity, friday5, happy, knitting, life, photos, yarnporn

* I hate laundry. Seriously hate it.

* It's weird how liberating everything has really been for me. You truck along so faithfully under the weight of a delusion, and you don't notice you're suffering because it creeps over you so slowly. Everything feels better now, my mind, my heart, my health. I think I was depressed for a long time, and I know I was terminally lonely for a long time. It's amazing how what you thought would be happily ever after can turn into an emotional prison. If I'm going to be lonely, though, I'd rather be lonely alone, if that makes any sense. If not, it's 3am, so shoot me.

* I think I have body image issues. I've lost 60 lbs in the last few years, but I still think of myself as being the same as I was before, and I'm clearly not. Someone at the knitting group, someone whom I've always put squarely in the "thinner than me" group, tried on my Liesl sweater tonight and it fit her roughly the same as it did me, and I had a total Holy. Crap. moment. It was a little surreal. I wonder if it will ever go away? When I get to my goal weight, will I still feel like that fat kid who got picked last for every team?

* I should probably not watch schmultzy romance movies late at night. We'll call that gremlin rule #1 for me.

* Also: Gerald Butler is hott. With two t's. Just saying.

* Also also: you know what I really really dig? When a guy has intensity in his eyes. I know it's a shit indicator of overall anything, but seriously, I want to be looked at that way. I'm doing a crap job of explaining it because it's 3am and I've been up for nearly 24 hours, but you know when you catch someones expression and they've got a slightly wild glint in their eyes, like they know something you don't know, or like their intentions are not entirely honorable? I think my life could use a slight bit of mischief right about now...

* Also^3: My shoulders and back have been hurting, and as such I am in dire need of a back massage. "Dire need" might be a slight exaggeration, but I'd really really like one.

* Also version 4.0: I got chatted up the other night when I went to a Druid equinox ritual. I'm doing better at realizing these things as they happen, but I think it was still about 8 minutes in when I realized "oh, hey, I'm being chatted up." At least I didn't have to have it pointed out to me after he fact like other times.

Ok, I'm running out of bad numerical configurations of the word "also", so I am going to bed now.

Labels: happy, life, random

In my experience, there are certain times or events in your life that cause the people around you to feel they have the right to give you unsolicited advice.  I knew that happens at graduations, during pregnancies, and even when you get married.  I guess I should have seen it coming, but apparently divorce is one of those times, and I've been getting everything from gently stated, well-meaning advice to out and out rude assertions that, obviously, I have no idea what life is all about and, obviously, everyone else knows better what I should be doing with myself.  That, and there are old friends of mine who seem to have forgotten that I exist... even ones who were my friends before I ever met him.  I guess it's true what they say, difficult times have a way of showing you who your real friends are.

Labels: creativity, knitting, life, photos, yarnporn

So today I drove out to LA to go to a job fair, hoping to find me some gainful employment.  It was advertised on the radio, with the recommendation that you bring copies of your resume, dress in proper business attire, and be prepared to accept a job then and there.  Not so much, really.  I think there were two, maybe three booths accepting actual resumes, and nearly all of them told me to apply online.  If that's the case, why didn't they just send out a big flier telling people where to apply for things?  It just seems a bit silly that I drove all that way for information that could have been exchanged easily on a website or mailer.

Labels: anxiety, happy, life

So I've been spinning the alpaca I have left, and my supply is dwindling... I suppose it's good that I can spin more than an ounce in a week, but I'll feel better when I have more in my hand. It was really warm this afternoon, and spinning it was just about agony spinning it in the heat and it nearly became a sweaty mess in my hand.  I finished off the first ounce and wound it onto my specialized equipment:

Labels: life, photos, spinning, yarnporn

So I'm settling in here, getting this room cleaned out more and more and, of course, trying to find a job (while simultaneously hoping the one I'm in line for works out this coming week.) There are several things that I am enjoying about my new life, about being single.

Tonight I went out to the knitting group, and I swear it was almost like being back at Chatham again. We were at a coffee shop, the same one we always meet at, and we were laughing so loud, drawing derisive looks from the other patrons, some of whom were obviously there to study. Seriously, though? Go to a library to study, and stop staring at us. You're just jealous that we're here having such a good time. Also, I apparently make a lot of drug references: I referred to Lorinda as my "fiber pusher", described ska music as "swing music on meth", and said that spinning is like crack. Funny thing is that I've never actually done any illegal drugs. *shrug*

It's just nice to be able to plan my time without regard for anyone... It's not like Chris ever made huge demands on me or anything, but it's different when you can just fill your time without having to think about another person. I'm running a book club and a stitch n' bitch, I'm reading book after book after book, spinning yarn for long periods of time while dancing around like an idiot with iTunes turned up on my laptop. It's basically awesome.

Also, I'm basically turning this room into my own personal little cave of wonder. Once I get it cleaned, I'm putting the loft bed up on craigslist to get it out of here, and then that corner is going to be my library and fiber corner, and will house my yarn/fiber stash and my spinning wheel, along with all my books. I found my old candles and have put them out all over the room because, god, I love candlelight more than I can say. It's not terribly practical, but I don't care.

Right now I'm reading Zinn's A People's History of the United States, which absolutely everyone should read. It's not unbiased, no history text is, but Zinn is absolutely transparent about the lens he's using from the first chapter on, and it balances out the history we're all taught in school, from elementary school onward. I've read part of this before in my US History course, taught by the wonderful Dr. Sterling Evans, one of the best professors I've ever had. Now I'm going back to reread the entire thing from the beginning. It's a fantastic, eye-opening book. I wouldn't say it should be the only book on US History anyone should read, but I think it gives the perspective that is so missing from the standard historical discourse, which I believe was Zinn's intention.

The spinning continues apace, and I've now filled one bobbin (aka a TP tube) with about an ounce of lovely alpaca single. I plied up a bit of it, and while it's not a full worsted weight at 3-ply (about half of the worsted weights thickness, actually), it's very close to the weight of the recommended yarn from the pattern, so I think it'll be a good thickness for the pattern. Even if my gauge is a little smaller than what's recommended in the pattern, I'm actually between two sizes, so I could just make the larger size at a slightly smaller gauge to get a better fit out of it. I ordered the needles, and they should be here soon, maybe even by the end of the week, so then I can knit the little bit I've plied up and see how it's looking (I don't think I have enough navajo plied for a gauge swatch, but it will give me a rough idea.)

All in all, things are going very well for me right now. Hopefully the job thing pans out soon so that I can be gainfully employed and not a damn freeloader anymore.

Labels: creativity, goals, happy, knitting, life, spinning

So, probably not a big mystery to anyone who knows me, but Chris and I have split up, and we have decided to divorce.  Before anyone fires off emails of condolence, however, please know that I think this is a really positive thing, for both of us.

Labels: goals, happy, history, life

(frantic yelling of my name by a certain aged and miserable crone.)

Labels: life

Labels: creativity, goals, happy, life, photos, spinning, yarnporn

I've been feeling my perrenial ache to do something profound, but it's just not there at the moment. My brain is scattered in a million tiny pieces, and more than anything I want to do something that means something, but it just seems like I plod along without any real inspiration. Somehow, I suspect the fault is mine. Not necessarily by general defect, but perhaps through a sense of self preservation the flood gates remain unopened.

It's surreal, really, to see someone you've known for thirteen years being tried for three counts of first degree murder. It's an intense mental conflict, sitting there, listening to the horrifying details of the thing she did while I remember the fun times we shared, the conversations and the memories. Silly to say, but it reminds me a bit of Harry Potter, the part where they say that killing someone rends your soul into pieces. I wonder, sometimes, if the person I knew ever really existed, or if it was always just the monster in there biding it's time. Can a good person and a monster coexist within the same being? Or is it like a point on a number line; a little round dot left in place to denote where the friend ceased to exist and gave way to the monster? What is that little point, then? What is the transition? I suppose if I knew that, I'd know an awful lot indeed.

My dad is hanging in there, but it's hard to see him so sick and in so much pain. Pray for him, please, if you do that sort of thing.

Labels: creativity, history, life

I'm not sure if anyones even checking this, it's been so long since I updated... Sorry about that, imaginary audience, but I need to write to maintain the delusions that support my fragile ego, and an imaginary audience will have to do....

Life has been interesting in the last few months... We got an apartment and I'm working and things are just sort of there. They aren't awful, they aren't inspiring or wonderful. I get up every day, I go to work, I come home and read or watch TV or not. I'm just sort of existing.

I've never been good at just existing. Is anyone? It seems like people must be, because I don't suppose everyone can be excited and fulfilled all of the time. I wonder if that would get tiring eventually, too?

My dad is back in the hospital again, and I'm tired of climbing the walls while my stomach eats away at itself, so I'm going home for a while, like a month, I think. It's conflicting, because I'll be far from my husband, but it's good for pretty much every other reason besides that. I miss my family like crazy, and I need a break from here, because things aren't clicking for me and I need to feel alive again. Mostly I'm excited to get away from my shadow. I don't think I've been alone for months now, and that always degrades ones sensibilities, no?

I've been getting ready to apply for grad school. I planned to apply this year to start next fall, but with everything going on with my dad I decided not to push it. This way I'll have more time to study for the GRE's (not to mention taking the biology subject test), as well as writing better quality essays and all of that. I might be applying to Cambridge, though I've no idea what my chances of success are. There's a war going on inside me about which version of my life and my self I want to pursue. I'm not sure which one will win, or whether there's some way to make both of them into one complete me. The only thing I'm sure of is that I miss learning, and I miss having hope that something better is in the works for me. I think if I don't go to grad school I will wither and die like a consumptive poet.

I kind of need something spectacular to happen. Don't get me wrong, I'm willing to work on behalf of said spectacular thing, I'm not one of those people who waits to win the lottery without ever playing, but if things could work out in my favor just a little, or if I could get a bit of decisive luck one way or the other to make my path a little clearer, I think it would be easier. Anything is better than stagnation; nothing has ever been so devestating to my happiness.

On the plus side, I think my issues with anxiety and with PTSD have passed. I haven't had a panic attack since before we left California, and I'm feeling strong and in control of myself. I was so afraid for so long that I'd never get back to a place of control and stability, and it's a huge relief. I may not know what's coming next for me, but at least I feel like I have the strength to confront it head-on.

Well, anyway, enough soul-searching (read: self-important rambling) for me. At any rate, homeward I go, so call me if you're still reading this, in the southern california area, and want to hang out.

Labels: goals, life

Hey everyone! We're still alive here in New York, just been a bit busy with life and lots of other crap. The good news is that I am now working, and we should have an apartment soon where we will have more reliable access to the internets. Woot. And now, to the pictures.

Here is the harbor in Olcott, NY, which is the home of a pirate festival that we did not go to because my feet are teh suck. It's pretty, though, and Fuzzy's aunt and uncle have a business here fixing boats for rich people.


Here is my new favorite alcoholic beverage, the Sloe Gin Fizz, which is super yummy and keeps me from getting drunk because the sweetness makes me stop drinking them long before the alcohol does much. It's got sloe gin (which is sweet and red), with sweet & sour mix, a bit of soda water, and a little swirl of dark rum on top.


Plus, as you can see, it's served with a weapon and fruit. How can you not like a drink that comes with a weapon and fruit?


Here is my most recent yarn, which I love to pieces and looks like this, except with more purple in it.


I love it so much, you get TWO pictures. That's love, that is...


And here's what I'm doing with it:


It's the Morning Surf Scarf, which has been floating around on the internets for years and which, most recently, was in Spin Off magazine, which if Patrick is reading, I heard is the worst movie ever made. Just saying.


Here is a canon in someones front yard, which we have come to nickname the EEEBIL CANON! or The Canon What Is Up To No Good. Note the wicked eyebrows. I pass his cute little face every day on the way to work with Fuzzy.


Patrick is visiting, hence the previous Inside Joke(tm). We went to Niagara Falls, and donned the Great Trashbags of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!! Patrick's transformation into a drooling tourist minion is nearly complete.


And here's me, rockin that hefty bag... Rawr.


Here we are piling onto the Maid of the Mist with everyone else in the free world.


Here we are after the boat ride, and Patrick seems to have had a little accident! Whooopsy!



An here's the obligatory picture of the falls, the American Falls anyway, with the horseshoe falls in the background. They really are purty, I must say, and they look much more impressive from the boat.


And now onto a serious note. My dad was diagnosed with colon cancer on Friday. I don't know much beyond that, but for those of you out there reading this, please, pray or wish or hope or do a rain dance or a blessing or whatever you do, but send him your well wishes for me. I would really really appreciate it.

Labels: anxiety, happy, knitting, life, photos, spinning, yarnporn