stacy was here (and probably spinning....): 11/01/2002 - 12/01/2002















Stacy Was Here :
Back at the Beginning

Saturday, November 30, 2002

there is so much to say, so very very much to say... but please, dear reader, forgive me if everything I post in the next few (days/weeks/months/years) is completely lacking in coherance or any sort of rational thought... in some ways I am more exhausted than I have ever been... and in some ways I have never quite so alive. I can't stop shaking or shivering or sobbing though... it's cold, so maybe thats it. somehow I doubt that, though.

and now the dilema of what to say and what to keep to myself... there are certainly things which are not fodder for an internet audience. my close friends already know those things, and if you don't know, well, you probably shouldn't. as for the rest, well, some I'll say now and some will become apparent over time, I suppose... I don't even know where to start really... it's odd to me, really, that I'm an English major and words always fail me when I most need them. it feels like there is a wide chasm between lifes most profound experiences and making someone else understand exactly what those experiences mean... and every time I try to build a bridge with words it fails somehow, reaches only far to see the vague outline of something enveloped in mist.

you know how sometimes you wait for something for so long, and the time spent in anticipation builds it up so big that the actual thing can't hope to measure up? this was nothing like that, at least not for me. I'd been waiting for this week to start for a little over three months. three months of nail biting, floor pacing, worrying, excitement, fear, and ever mounting anticipation... three months and when it got here, it couldn't have been any better. if I had written a script for this week it couldn't have been any better.

he arrived on friday, and we spent saturday driving down to my house in Whittier... sunday marked the arrival of the four-legged cute monster, heralded by much squealing and jumping up and down on the part of yours truly and the best friend. the days following were full of goodness, and much too much gooberness on my part, I'm afraid. it wasn't even that we did great stuff... we went to the beach, saw a few movies, did the whole LA thing... but mostly we just all hung out, and I think it was the random do-nothing-important moments that were the best, in my opinion. I guess when you come right down to it, the where when and how are really insignificant, and all that really matters is the who. and I really don't think there could be any improvements to the who's on this trip.

really, there were only two problems with this last week. the first is that, even though we took her almost everywhere with us, and try as I might to dote on her, my sister still felt left out. I don't feel guilty, because I know a lot of it is that she's so sensitive, and I know that I really couldn't have done anything to make her feel better. Even when I spend every second with her, she gets upset that I have to leave again. I just wish I could protect her from ever having to be upset, but I know it's not rational or possible... what can I say, I'm a little over-protective...

the only other problem, and the worst one if you ask me, was that it had to end. first there was taking wendy and andy to LAX on thanksgiving morning... it was a quick goodbye though, so I couldn't dwell on it forever, and she's planning to transfer out here so it won't be long, right? then that night I had to say goodbye to my mom and sister again... for as independant as I am, and as much of a hurry I was in to leave home, it never gets any easier saying goodbye to them. then there was the drive back up here... the whole time I'm thinking that I'll have to say goodbye to him soon, too, but it didn't get really bad until about halfway through. I swear I'm such a girl sometimes... so we got back up, made the best of the little remaining time, me crying every so often... at the airport was the worst though, being next to him and dreading the emptiness that would soon occupy that space. he told me to be strong and I tried so hard, but it was futile... and when he got in line to board the plane, I couldn't stand to watch, so I kissed him and walked out of the airport. I didn't look back, because if I had I would have lost it completely. it took every inch of my will not to look back... I just got in my car and left. by the time I made it to the freeway I was crying so hard I may as well have been blind, but I really didn't care about the road at that point. I went to the drug store to get my perscription refilled, and the pharmacy wasn't open, so I paced up and down the aisles waiting for it to finally open, and I swear that every fucking song was a love song... and the whole time, between leaving the airport and the time his plane was to take off, I couldn't stop myself from thinking that he was still on the ground, still here, still in the same time zone, and within 5 miles from me, and why wasn't I there next to him? because if I'm going to fall apart, I may as well do it alone, so I can't make things harder for someone else...

and now I'm back here, more alone than ever. I don't think this place has ever felt so much like a tomb before.

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 9:30 PM   0 comments

oh, and have I mentioned that I'm taken?

completely and irrevocably taken?

cuz I am.


posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 7:24 PM   0 comments

so I'm back.

and it was the best. week. ever.

did I say ever? I meant ever.

and now I ache like crazy.

who let the loneliness in here?

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 2:54 PM   0 comments

Friday, November 22, 2002

so yeah... read this...

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 11:17 AM   0 comments

Thursday, November 21, 2002

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 10:39 AM   0 comments

Sunday, November 17, 2002


posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 1:23 PM   0 comments

Thursday, November 14, 2002

I feel like, slowly but surely, I am clawing my way out of the pit I have been in since I got here. For about the past week, I have felt a sense of even-ness, a consistency to my moods which has been severely lacking for a while now. I haven't been hitting the extreme highs and lows, merely staying at a nice level of contentment and acceptance of each day as it comes, and I feel more stable for it.

I met with the girl about the a capella group, and that was a rousing success. We got along well, which is a good place to start. We have similar taste in music, and she has a good voice. We sang together a bit, and it seems like we harmonize really well together. It will be easier to tell for sure once we rehearse a song long enough to get solid parts down. She said she's gotten another response, and that she will be meeting that person on Friday, and invited me to join them as well, which will be cool. Hopefully I'll be able to make it, and hopefully the other girl will mesh well with us as well. Already the dynamic between me and the first girl seems to be really equal, with mutual receptivity to ideas, which I think will make for a fun and productive project. Here's hoping it keeps going well. I am optimistic, especially since I haven't sung with anyone in a while, and singing with people makes Stacy happy.

Heehee... got up to my room and discovered I had a package waiting for me. Being that I am completely impatient, I walked all the way down to the post office to pick it up, even though it meant trudging up the hill for the second time today. It was worth it, for the package turned out to be a gift from the four-legged cute monster, and seriously, can you guess what it was? I am now the proud owner of a full length Timmy T CD!!!!!!!!! I just about flipped when I saw it. See, it's hard to find in stores, but apparently has it, and now it is in my hot little hands (well, my hot little CD player anyway.) Tee hee. Stacy = very pleased indeed.

Went to the doctors today to find out what they can do for me here on campus, and the answer seems to be tests, and not much beyond that. They wouldn't cover preventive measures to prevent me from getting diabetes, but I can get the dreaded pelvic exam out of the way (Stacy = decidedly not excited about said exam), and they'll test for anemia, blood sugar and all that glorious stuff. So my plan of action at this point is to get those tests done here, and take a copy of my medical file here back with me when I head home over Christmas break, and hopefully get in to see the doctor I saw in May/June, show her the test results and stuff and tell her what the health center here told me, and find out what she recommends. I'm also planning to get on Medi-Cal, as long as I qualify. It's pretty comprehensive coverage, from what I understand, and should be free seeing as I'm an impoverished college student with no money. Plus it will cover dental stuff too, which is good, because I need to get into a dentist. The one thing the doctor here did say is that I might want to switch to a cheaper birth control, since mine is relatively new and therefor very expensive. Not sure exactly how I feel about this. The one I'm taking has been good to me... no negative side effects, and very effective thus far. Of course, there's a big difference between spending $5 a month on the pill and $38 a month on the pill, so I'll be thinking about this. The good news is that, should I decide to stick with the one I've got, they should cover it on campus next year, so my cost will go down whenever that happens. I guess it depends on what kind of prescription coverage Medi-Cal offers.

So, oh my god, 8 days left. 8 DAYS! That is one week and one day. Tomorrow night at this time, it will be down to one week exactly. Time is going by quickly at this point in the game. Hopefully I can keep my mind occupied enough so that I don't go crazy in the next 8 days. So far, so good.

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 2:13 AM   0 comments

Tuesday, November 12, 2002

so I went to that depression group today, and so far so good. I think it will be a good outlet for me, and I think that the people in the group have a good dynamic going that I can ease into and become part of, hopefully, so yeah, I'll continue to give that a go. also I emailed a girl the other day in response to a flyer. she wants to start an all-girls a capella doo-wap group, so I may have found myself someone to sing with. woot. she emailed me back and we're supposed to meet up sometime this week. more updates as the drama unfolds.

and just so I can refer to it, here is the list of things I am taking on the trip:
1) cwab
2) shadow woof
3) gothic fuck music (don't ask, it's for Wendy, I swear ;) )
4) Princess Bride
5) tarot cards
6) Bill Ingvall tape
7) Timmy-T tape (because this is necessary equipment for me and Wendy.... oh yes... and it *will* be cued up in the car when I pick her and Andy up from the airport. tee and hee.)
8) triple-a card, just in case.

And these are the things I need to get accomplished before the break:
1) laundry... at least some of it.
2) assemble above objects to be transported to Southern California by automobile.
3) make tapes with which to amuse myself on the long car ride.
4) clean room. because I should always clean my room. (started)
5) pick up over-break room key since I will get back before break officially ends.
6) pack, and prepare remainder of laundry for transport.
7) pace the floor a whole bunch. perhaps go crazy a few times. bite off all my fingernails. (deeply entrenched in)

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 2:24 AM   0 comments

so I just realized a few things.

1) I am now 23. Holy shit, when did I get so old? Eeeeewwwww....

2) 10 days... 10 FREAKING DAYS... until everything goes down...

yeah, I'm a bit slow.

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 1:08 AM   0 comments

damaged goods

on fear and bad memories...
I don't know my heart
from a hole in the ground.
It's hard to be whole
when you fear the empty spaces
and voids,
pulsing like an absess.
sometimes I feel I am burried in nothing.
i just want to be even, so I can get used to one thing...
there's a strange comfort in it,
the loneliness... a strange familiarity.

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 12:27 AM   0 comments

Monday, November 11, 2002

Your fingertips, traced lightly on my skin,
like so many drops of water,
clinging to my flesh, adhering to me willingly...
Your breath paints my skin with heat,
melting my resistence away slowly.
I am nothing but flesh and eagerness,
melting and breathing on your fingertips,
mingling with your expelled breath
and dancing in your heartbeat.
Make me delerious.

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 5:00 PM   0 comments

so yeah, my roommates = the coolest... I've been bummed out all week thinking I was going to spend my birthday in my room doing homework and not much else... but I left my room this morning to find that they'd decorated the whole house with Happy birthday balloons and signs saying "Happy B-day Stacy"... heehee... I was so excited, my birthday is normally not that eventful and I don't recall anyone decorating for me since I was like 10 years old... not only that, one of them made homemade mac n' cheese for dinner, and another one baked a cake... All in all it was most excellent, makes me feel a lot more welcome here, which is very cool. Turned out to be a really good birthday after all. I called my mom in the morning when I woke up, and she got all excited and sang Happy Birthday to me... then Michelle called about an hour later and sang to me as well... and then Wendy did too... yay everyone.

In two weeks, I will be at home, Wendy and Andy will have landed, and we'll be curled up in our first night of sleep in my familial abode. Sometimes the time seems to speed by, and others it seems to go agonizingly slow.

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 1:49 AM   0 comments

Sunday, November 10, 2002

you know, on nights like tonight, I wonder just how I fucking survived seven solid months of this shit. seven months of clutching my thighs together for dear life... seven months of dreading standing up for fear it would entail a mad sprint to the nearest bathroom... seven months of lying in exactly the same position and taking frequent naps in hopes it might make the bleeding lessen only slightly... seven months of growing progressively paler and paler, and being able to stay awake less and less until I went to bed every night at 10pm regardless of when I had to be up... and seven months of feeling like my uterus was trying to gnaw it's way violently from my body. seven fucking months, the whole time thinking that I was going to die.

and so now it feels a bit odd to think of anything as an ordeal, really, after surviving that. but the funny thing is, I would rather be back there, in the midst of that seven months, just to be close to my friends again.

and I'd go through worse than that just to talk to you on the phone for more than ten minutes or more than once a week.

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 1:59 AM   0 comments

Friday, November 08, 2002

What kind of fairy are you?

brought to you by Quizilla

So todays been alright, as it happens...

My mom sent me some stuff through my schools housing and dining service... I got a note saying there was a surprise waiting for me, and I got there half expecting a gigantic balloon bouquet which I would then have to carry around to my classes, but mercifully enough they handed me a basket, with muffins and bagles and fruit, even cream cheese *insert homer-esque drooling noises here*. Yay mom, because if she woulda sent me a cake or something, I would have given most of it to my roommates... and while I did share my bounty, most of it is mine. And it's not a bunch of sugar and crap, so yay mom. So I get back up to my room and there's a message saying they forgot to give me part of what she sent, so I drive down there since on of my roommates so graciously offered to stand in my parking space, and guess what? There was the balloon bouquet tied to a bag of candy... do I know my mother or what? heehee... but it's cool, because I look balloons, because deep down I'm still really five. It's really cool, because my mom usually forgets my birthday... I don't mean she forgets when I was born, but she doesn't pay a lot of attention to what day it is at any given time, so for her to remember, and to remember with enough advance notice to order this stuff earlier this week, well, it's really cool. Plus it's rare for someone to send me stuff for my birthday... like it's happened a couple of times, but not that often, and from my mom, with balloons and all that, well, it's momentous, that's all I'm saying.

Of course, today was also marked by the creeping up of the pain I've come to dread and expect as my monthly ordeal... so I curled up int he fetal position with my hot water bottle and slept for 3 hours, and damn did I need it too. I was sooooo tired from everything lately... Like school hasn't been too intense lately, especially since I'm in mostly lower division classes and not that many of them, but it's just all the emotional garbage that's been clogging me up, and making me really tired. So yeah, sleep helped... Mostly what I'm wrestling with is uncertainty. Everything seems poised for change, and I just wish I could see things objectively, but I can't...

I think I can handle 19 units next semester, because it's one more big class and one more small class than I've got right now. And because it'll keep me busy and maybe take my mind off of things more, and keep me on my toes a little better academically. Plus if I'm going to graduate in 3 semesters, I have to bust my ass, and right now that seems like the plan. Only two things could change that plan, and I'll know both of those things by January, when classes start.

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 11:58 PM   0 comments

Thursday, November 07, 2002

It's storming out pretty fierce right now... pissing down rain like crazy, and the wind is making the redwoods wave their branches around angrily. Things today are decent, even though I'm going to get soaked walking up to main campus.

Made a doctors appointment for next week, to tell her the whole sordid drama of my body's civil war and find out if there's anything to be done for it. At the very least I'd like something to help with the killer cramps. So I have a consultation, after which point I'm sure they'll want to poke and prod at me a bunch, draw blood, all that kind of thing. Ah the joys of being female.

Today I get to go to my Anthro study group and watch Apocalypse Now! with my Practical Crit class in concert with our reading of Heart of Darkness.... more later

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 4:21 PM   0 comments

So yeah... today... another day....

sometimes I think you write in your blog to throw people off, divert them into some other part of your life... make them think they know you...

I went to that "Stress Less" group therapy/relaxation thing.... It was all fine and good until I slipped halfway into meditation state and he started saying "your body is warm and heavy... focus on the feeling of your body being warm and heavy"... only problem is, my body wasn't warm and heavy, because I couldn't feel my body... and I was too conscious not to care and not conscious enough to realize that it wasn't really disolving... so I had to keep concentrating on my body being sentient again, which was very stressful again. And now I think I have a migraine from it, thanks... I might go one more time just to give it a second chance... or maybe I'll just start meditating like a normal pagan.

I can't even function right biologically...

Had a rather gruesome dream last night regarding the news I recieved on the phone yesterday. It was disturbing, to the enth degree. How is it that we always move in parallel lines and circles, you and I? Similar concerns. I know my plight is not exactly the same as yours, but still I feel the grief you feel, just in a more abstract way, tied up in "could have beens" and "if only's"...

if I could you know I'd be there in a heartbeat...

so the wind outside is blowing like it wants to level the world... it's howling like someone raided it's nest... and I kind of feel like that, somewhere, I think... I've been in mourning since I got here, like I still have no foundation and no real means of surviving this place. I just want to be near the people I care for, is that such a huge request? Oh yeah, and one of these days, if it's possible, could you make me stop running from everyone? Thanks.

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 12:04 AM   0 comments

Wednesday, November 06, 2002

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 11:22 PM   0 comments

my birth control, apparently, can cause depression...

so, you know, at least it's not all me...

I think I just need a damn hug already...

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 12:57 AM   0 comments

And since tonight is Bitchfest 2002, I would like to take this moment to extend my middle finger to my maternal instincts. For 22 fucking years I have never wanted children. I've adored children as long as they belonged to someone else, but never ever actually felt any sort of desire to bear children of my own. And now, six months after I found out that my ovaries are dysfunctional, and 11 months after my health nightmare first began, I find myself thinking about what my kids would be like, imagining their personalities, and all that sort of thing. Why now? It seems so cruel, you know? For me to want it just as I find out that I probably can't have it. Oh sure, modern medicine works miracles right? But what if I put in all that time and subject myself to all the fucking rigors of it only to find that it's not going to do any good anyway? Sometimes I feel like my life is a joke.

And I am most definitely the punchline.

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 12:51 AM   0 comments

And why, oh why do people keep voting for republicans? I was so depressed when Bush was elected because I knew that very night that the next four years would see some sort of significant military action, and I was depressed when 911 happened for the same reason, and now I look at the fucking election results, and now the fucking GOP controls the white house, the senate, and the house of representatives. Bend over and kiss your freedoms goodbye, and if you know people in the military, cherish your days with them because with these fucking warmongers in office, it may only be a matter of time.

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 12:47 AM   0 comments

Today has been long, and trying...

Talked to my advisor today and got my registration ticket so I can get my classes and stuff. Unless the insanity wears off, I'll be taking 19 units this next semester, because I want so bad to graduate on time. The classes would be General Biology (with a lab... see me overjoyed), American History, World Lit (the focus next semester is Dostoevsky... anyone have any thoughts on him?), HIstory of English Language, Living Myth, Archery, and English Colloquium (which will look at the short stories and poetry of Raymond Carver, who seems to be Humboldts version of Rachel Carson, but it's one night a week, for half the semester, and I have to take 2 sections of it before I can graduate, so what the hell.) It's going to be hell. On Mondays I'll have class from 10am-5pm, break for dinner, and then have class again from 7-9pm... that's 11 hours between when I leave for class and when I return. It would be the worst day though, so hopefully I can handle it. Now, mind you, I don't register until December third, so I have ample time to come to my senses. We'll see what happens.

Walked into town and paid $38 fucking dollars to not bleed to death for another month. If my school carried the specific type of birth control I need, it would cost between $3 and $6, but no, because I have fucked up ovaries and this birth control is relatively new, I'm SOL. And I can't even get it through Planned Parenthood, so I get to pay $38 fucking dollars a month, just for the fucking priveledge of not bleeding to death. Happy Birthday to me. Sometimes I just want to walk into a hospital and demand that they remove my reproductive organs. Why the hell do I need them when I probably can't even have children like a normal woman? What's the point? So I can spend every fourth weekend curled up in the fetal position because it feels like something is gnawing away at my insides? So that I can bleed so heavily I risk becoming anemic every fucking month? I'm all for modern medicine and all that, but at least in the middle ages it would have been simple.

Got some difficult news on the phone today that I don't know what to do with. I feel like I can't do anything to make the situation better or easier, that it's so complex and hard to think through that I don't know where to begin. My mom will know better.

And now I'm just tired. Really stinking tired. Bitching takes a lot out of you, you know... and here I thought it was just fatigue.

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 12:24 AM   0 comments

Tuesday, November 05, 2002

by the way, I'm running out of people to write to, so if you like getting mail, let me know...

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 2:17 AM   0 comments

sometimes, when I'm lonely, I read through my mini letter collection, the few letters I've brought with me... there's something really special about paper letters, you know? something about holding a piece of paper that someone wrote on, that they poured their thoughts onto, it's a bit intoxicating. because you can say anything in a paper letter, and it sticks, you know? it doesn't just get deleted when ones mailbox starts to nudge toward maximum file capacity... it's a way of holding onto a moment, saving old letters... like maybe 10 or 15 years from now I'll read them from what will hopefully be a place of stability and fulfillment, and remember the things I battled on the way there... or maybe in 10 or 15 years, one of these letters will prompt me to contact an old friend I'd since lost contact with. as much as I like the internet, I doubt very sincerely that it will ever thrill me as much as paper letters do.

so apparently, something in my astrological chart says that my biggest weakness, in some respects, is my restlessness, and I think that's true. I always feel like I should be somewhere else, you know? that's why I moved to Pittsburgh before, and it's why I moved here, because I felt like I needed that burst of forward motion or a change. but every time I make leaps like that, it makes me feel empty, and lonely, and tired. I just want to hurry up and get to that point in my life where I curl up in the same bed every night for more than a year or two, where I can give people my permanent address without an ironic smile... I wanna have a flower garden, maybe a fireplace to curl up in front of, but mainly I just want a place that actually feels like home. even when I'm home in Whittier, I somehow feel like it's not the place for me... I feel tense when I'm in the same house as my family, like in some ways it's a prison to me, to be there, or at the very least unhealthy. and when I'm there for mroe than a few weeks my feet start to itch again, and I feel like I have to get away. but Arcata isn't the place for me either... there's not enough around here. I'm not really a city girl, but sometimes it's nice to know that ones around, and it would be nice to live somewhere that has Target or Walmart in it. it was really nice at first, you know, to be far from a city, in a place so full of trees and so near the ocean, where everyone is laid back and all that. but after a while it's started to feel like I'm in exile, kept far removed from everyone I really care about.

looking at the courses I need to complete and all that, it looks like I may well be able to graduate within 3 semesters, as in on time. There are 45 credits left between me and completing all of my GE and Major requirements, if I can get them to accept all the classes I took at Chatham, which is 15 units per semester, which in my experience is entirely doable. I may have to bust my ass to do it, but since when has that stopped me? at the worst, if they don't accept both of the classes I fear they won't, I may have to either do summer school or take 19 credits for two semesters, which will be hard and I dare say it might make my grades a little less than stellar, but at this point, it gives me hope just to know that it's even possible. I'll hopefully be seeing my academic advisor soon to figure all this out... keep your fingers crossed for me...

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 1:09 AM   0 comments

Monday, November 04, 2002

and now for updates...

- Went to the headshrink again today... don't think it's actually helping with my state of mind at all, but I'm getting really good at summarizing my issues into 30 minute sessions *roll eyes here* Oh, and because there are apparently a lot of people here with problems, they're not doing much individual counseling here, and I'm not off my rocker enough, so she recommended group stuff... of course, she didn't pick out the right groups, *I* had to do that, which doesn't really surprise me... so anyway, I'm supposed to go to "Blues Busters" and "Stress Less".... yeah, the cheesy names? Not really making me excited about this... but hey, maybe I'll make friends there... anything is possible, and I think having more friends here would help, even though they'll never be like my far away friends... *sigh*

- Sent out more mail love today... Also, found the cutest card ever for my sister, it's got a sparkly fairy on it, which she will fully dig because she's a mini version of me. Made a big, highlighted mental note today to pay lots of attention to her while I'm home, because I recognize that with everyone around I will be easily distracted, and I can't skimp on the sister love... I miss her tons, and it's only four days that I get to see her, and I don't want her to feel like I'm more interested than everyone else but her.

- Can't wait to take everyone down to the beach... mmmm... wave watching, star gazing, maybe a bonfire.... *purrrrrrrr* I'm thinking Corona Del Mar, because it's so pretty there, but maybe, if everyones interested, we'll make a pass over by the wedge or Huntington Beach just for a sheer long ass stretch of coastline... mmmmm... beach..... stacy play... *purrrrrrr*

- We're on the Russian Revolution in Western Civ... is it wrong that I keep picturing the people from the movie Anastasia and not the slides the prof is showing us? I mean, come on! Christopher Lloyd as Rasputin?? and John Cusack?

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 6:29 PM   0 comments

Sunday, November 03, 2002

the new zero

he has agreed
to take me
to the ice hotel from the magazine

what we will need
is a gleaming key
made of ice as well
by the finest ice machine

its there that no one will stare
at your jaws and your long fur
the claws in your fingers

its in the past when the passerby laughed
at your strange way of speaking
your batteries leaking
oh no

oh god no
they dont know
the new zero

uniforms worn
so leisurely
the reindeer skins
the privacy

how was he born?
hes asking me
flapping his fins
very impressively

its there that no one will stare
at your jaws and your long fur
the claws in your fingers

its in the past when the passerby laughed
at your strange way of speaking
your batteries leaking
oh no

oh god no (he has agreed)
they dont know (to take me)
the new zero (to the ice hotel)

i really dont care and neither does he
if this hotel melts into the sea
polished and so rare, this way that we see
the coldness helps, its our favorite remedy

its there that no one will stare
at your jaws and your long fur
the claws in your fingers

its in the past when the passerby laughed
at your strange way of speaking
your batteries leaking, oh no!

oh god no (he has agreed)
they dont know (to take me)
the new zero (the ice hotel)


posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 11:24 PM   0 comments

ahhhhhh! the randomness, with the crazy and the whoa! and the trips to the headshrinks....

** I just downloaded "New Zero" by Rasputina, and OMFG is it ultimately rawr.... very very HOTT... This maybe have easily and spontaneously catapaulted onto my list of favorite songs.... *purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr* Stacy like.... stacy pet.... stacy purrrrrrrr....

** Tomorrow is my next visit to the headshrink, different one than last time... I have vague hopes that it might be helpful, but here's me not holding my breath... It's not that I have no faith in the psych professions, but I just recognize that good, competent psychologists are few and far between, and whether or not someone is effective depends largely on the dynamic of our personalities... I need someone who won't take shit from me, who will tell me when I'm being an ass, and not just sit there and nod placatingly like I'm an overgrown child. I know what's going on in my head, and why it's going on that way... what I need is someone to tell me what to do with that information... how 'bout it, science?

** OMG... 18 days!!! 18 days... thats 2 weeks and 4 days... less than 3 full weeks... OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG... it creeps steadily closer, and it's scaring the bejezus out of me... this is so... so.... &*(#$@)&*$)!

** Had a dream last night about heights, yours truly, and the folks involved in the impending Week of Maddness... lessee... I have a great fear of heights and in the dream I was perched precariously on the edge, afraid of falling... could this be indicative of anything in my waking life? hmmmm.... see? who needs a headshrink...

** So thanks to one of my people at Chatham who shall remain nameless (because she nicked a cloth napkin from a school function), I have a new stockpile of Chatham Crap... WoooHOOOOO.... It includes the aforementioned Actual Chatham Cloth Napkin!, a lanyard for keys, and a bottle opener that is also a keychain. You know, I didn't have that much Chatham Crap when I went to Chatham, heehee... I'm loving it, and the cloth napkin is now occupying a rather large square of my wall, which is good because there's still too much blank space, though I did recieve a lovely postcard from Amanda with Pittsburghese on it, as well as one from Steevie featuring nearly naked Australian boys... rawr....

** Arcata, CA is, quite possibly, the only place in America where you can subsist completely through the Salvation Army Store, Grocery Outlet and the Dollar Tree without actually being white trash... Every time I go to the Salvation Army Store, I find good stuff... not marginally good stuff, good stuff... stuff I would actually buy and wear in public... yay for thrift stores. Oh yeah, and the Grocery Outlet, which I swear, sells bottles of Stolychnya vodka for like five or six bucks. I have no one to drink with, but if I did, GOOD GOD would I be set up.

** So how about my birthday is exactly 7 days from now, and I don't have anything to do? Not one damn thing... Looks like my birthday is going to be equally as thrilling as Halloween was, when I sat home all night, watched a movie by myself, and talked to people online... You know, kind of like EVERY OTHER FUCKING DAY HERE. Meh. me = the suck.

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 11:05 PM   0 comments

Sometimes I feel like I am becoming invisible...
like when you stare into a bright light that renders everything nearby to shadows...
or like that kid in high school that no one ever looked at...
I feel like I'm fading from your mind, slowly,
like maybe the waits been just a little too long,
or the novelty of me has worn off...

Or maybe it's me...
and I'm wandering in this pea soup haze,
or stuck like a deer in the headlights,
unable to run for fear of standing still...

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 1:01 AM   0 comments

Friday, November 01, 2002

So apparently, depression is good for my grades... who knew? In the past 48 hours, I've gotten back two papers and a midterm, all of them with "A"'s on them... looks like I might still be getting that elusive 4.0 this semester, at least if I don't crash and burn too bad, which I don't think I will... I think I hit bottom (or at least, reletive bottom... bottom for me) and now things are starting to improve a bit. So yeah, got an A on my Practical Crit class, which is 300-level, so thats cool... and an A on my Intro to English Major, which wouldn't be a big deal except that I didn't spend much time on it and was afraid he'd be able to tell, but he actually complimented it quite a lot, and the exam was in my Western Civ class, which I didn't actually do any of the reading for, but spent extensive time working on the study guides and such... the A is after a 14 point curve, but hey, I missed getting the highest grade by 4 points, so I didn't do that bad, when you think about it.

I saw the dumbest thing in the dollar store today... it was a couple of iron on patches, and the label said "2 iron-on American stickers".... and one was a star (not like an American flag star, like one of those cheap around-the-belly-button-stick-on-stars), and the other one, I swear to god, had fucking Union Jack on it... And iron-on American sticker with the sodding FLAG OF GREAT BRITAIN on it... meh... why are people so stupid? I was going to buy it, but dammit, I'm cheap.

So while I was at the dollar store, I saw the most cheesy looking, clan of ethel, I-made-this-with-grandma card ever... it's pink and yellow and green, and it's got lace and flowers and ruffles, and my god if it isn't one of the most girly things ever... and I thought "I have to send this to Wendy." Now, some of y'all have met Wendy, so you'll understand that I bought this for ironic value, because when I think of Wendy, pink and frilly are the two LAST things I would ever think of... so yeah, irony...

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 5:33 PM   0 comments

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