stacy was here (and probably spinning....): 03/01/2003 - 04/01/2003
Stacy Was Here :
Back at the Beginning
Thursday, March 27, 2003
so things are going okay, although I think my domain name registration is about to run out, so for future reference (meaning whenever I get the money to renew it or someone is kind enough to sponsor me), the actual URL for this page is: http://isleofavalon.blogspot.com
room selection went fantabulously and I'll be rooming with Michelle, in a suite with Lily. who let the rockage in? and we got a ground level suite in the academic intensive living area, so woot woot woot for that.
all in all things are going really well... I'm finally starting to feel like I have more friends here, feeling more social and all that, and just doing well mentally in general. still miss fuzzy like burning, though.
it looks like I'm going to end up tutoring in bio at the learning center at my school. might make a little pocket change and at the very least have something impressive to add to my resume, which would be even more helpful if I decide to go for a masters in the sciences. at any rate, I'm meeting with a fellow student on Thursday, and then with the director of the learning center a week from tomorrow to fill out the paper work and such. very excited about this as me = megadork2000
- Had a really effing extremely wonderful fantabulous week with the boyfriend creature. Miss him immensely. Will reveal this in spurts as thinking about it too much will result in a flood of tears, and since I've not got any left at the moment will actually be dry sobs, and those effing hurt, dammit.
- United Airlines is fired because their leaky plane made me miss the last flight into Erie on Saturday night so that I didn't actually arrive there until Sunday morning, thus effectively shaving 12 hours off the time I was able to spend with Chris. May they rot in hell, along with the mechanic who took over a fucking hour to arrive.
- so I spent oodles of time knitting warm stuff for my voyage into the great white northeast. did I wear any of it? not one fucking time.
- I really missed Pennsylvania, actually.
- My boyfriend has some really excellent friends.
- Finally got a picture of the two of us together. If I can find a scanner somewhere, I'll post it.
- Five hours is a really long time to drive by yourself, especially when you're trying really really effing hard not to think about something that will result in being blinded by tears, which is an exceedingly bad thing when you're driving by yourself at night on a windy road.
- File this under unexplainable phenomena: sleeping by myself, I can never, ever keep warm. I invariably wake up curled up in every blanket within a five mile radius. however, sleeping next to the boyfriend, I have no problem staying warm. go figure.
- it's amazing to me how much fun you can have doing absolutely nothing.
- so flying back, it was raining on the way into Sacramento, and I was right by the wing, and the rain was going sideways and it was dark, and every time the strobe light on the wing tip would light up, it looked like the sky was tv static. it was cool.
- being the one leaving is a hell of a lot different than being the one staying behind. having stuff to accomplish, like navigating 3 airports and driving 5 hours and getting film developed has given me a feeling of numbness, ultimately, which isn't exactly good because I am so afraid of the quiet now, and the inevitable onslaught of loneliness that I feel creeping up on me. it's like everything is delayed a bit by the stuff I have to get done.
- have I mentioned how completely, totally, utterly in love with my boyfriend I am? cuz I am. like by a lot even.
- and since I know this is probably one of the highlights of the week for him, yes, I finally agreed to watch star wars, and yes, I actually liked it. you happy?
- out of all the airports I've been through, I have to say that Pittsburgh is probably the most rational and easy to navigate, given it's size. O'Hare airport is just fucking ridiculous, although if you're looking for artery clogging fast food, it's a sure winner. but why in the hell I had to run over a mile between gates of arrival and departure is just fucking beyond me.
- I think it should be perfectly legal and acceptable to stow small children and select passengers in the overhead compartment.
- I've now seen Star Trek: Nemesis three times, thank you United fucking Airlines.
I'm sure there's more, and probably shitloads I'm not telling, but get over it. I'm tired and worn out and depressed and lonely and numb and completely out of it.
last night I emailed a bunch of schools about their bio programs, and got 4 responses back so far, some more attentive and insightful than others, but all of them valuable in some way. not sure how relevent they are anymore, in light of how my goal has been tweaked a little bit, but we'll see, right?
so remember that gender bender experiment I did? and how there was that one guy who all of a sudden sat next to me and talked to me all through class? well, we were chatting today, between classes since he's in my bio lab as well, and bitching about my womens studies professor and how she seems to reinforce gendered behavior as much as break it down, and I mentioned how she reacted to how I was dressed that day, and he said "oh yeah, I remember that." but he didn't know about the experiment. and he wasn't there when she complimented me on looking "pretty." so I'm forced to conclude that what he remembered was how I was dressed, and that seems a little wierd to me. like did it make that big of an impact that he remembers it more than a month later? odd.
so it's wierd how things go full circle... I remember when I was like 8, my cousin had a friend die of a brain tumor, and someone explained it to me as a wierd growth or structure in the brain. we were at a church a few days later with this wierd, ornate roof, and it kind of creeped me out and for some reason I carried the image of that cieling around in my head as what brain tumors look like. flash forward to today, and I'm talking to a girl in class about migraines, and she mentions that her doctors thought she had a brain tumor but it doesnt' seem like it anymore. and then tonight, I was talking to my mom on the phone about my grandmother, who's in the hospital. I asked her what they thought was wrong and she didn't want to answer in front of Amie, so I guessed a brain tumor, and yeah, it turns out they think my grandmother has a brain tumor. they don't think it's malignant, but they say they'll still have to operate. I'm not sure how I feel about all of this. She's over 80 years old, and operations on the brain are tricky and risky... with the few years she has left, which would be worse? fainting spells? or possibly being a vegetable? but then, nothing is certain yet, so hopefully this worry in my head is moot and it'll be something simpler.
at any rate, I can't think anymore tonight, about anything.
so today I talked to the head of the biology department at my school, to get his opinion on the whole double major idea. he said a lot of things, I don't remember every word, but basically I came to the conclusion that it would be better to get a minor in bio or marine bio, and then get my masters degree in Marine Biology. here's why: If I double major, I'm looking at spending another 3 years working on my bachelors degree, and that will be 7 years total. If I get the minor in bio, it'll be about 1 year extra, and then take me 2-3 years for a masters degree. the minor will give me enough of a science background to get me into most problems, especially if I pull off high enough grades, and then I would have a bachelors and a masters degree in roughly the same time it would take me to graduate with a double major. what this means, however, is that I'd be at Humboldt for 2 more years (after this one), which is the thing I'm not sure I'm sold on. still have a lot to think about on this, so we'll see what happens. I could still double major, this way just sounds more practical, especially money and time wise. plus, like Dr. Boyd said, a masters is a high enough degree for basically anything except teaching, in these fields. I don't need a doctorate to be a Marine Biologist, and if I get into the stuff that I am thinking about, I think I'd be happier than if I become a college professor. much to think about.
Yay! It doesn't bother you that you don't understand what the hell he is saying half the time (as long as it's your name right?). Sean here would be perfect. But you'd have to fight me for him. Maybe you should look into Billy Boyd.
- I am mostly packed for spring break.
- spring break is only a week away.
- my sister had a really really disturbing dream.
- I did 7 loads of laundry today, in about 3 hours.
- god help me, I bought more yarn.
- my grandmother is in the hospital, because she passed out today.
so today has turned out to have unparalleled goodness in the arena of my past, present, and future. sounds weighty, right? well, it is, but at the same time it was so simple, really, just a series of simple denouments that really resolved a lot of stuff in my heart and in my mind.
I talked to my mom this morning, when she was at work, and updated her on things, regarding my possible double major, and a lot of things that have been on my mind. she had to get back to work so we couldn't talk about a whole lot more than that.
read for a while, talked to Wendy a bit, took a nap, hung out with my roommates, and talked to the boyfriend. that conversation yielded a lot to my peace of mind, in exactly the way that I needed it to. it's really complicated, you know? trying to coordinate a dual existence that will be acceptable and hopefully good for both people involved, and the negotiation process is arduous and stressful, and sometimes it seems like we're speaking different languages... but we're both fiercely stubborn, especially about one another, and somehow things resolve themselves a little at a time, and I think this bodes well for us. sometimes I feel like I'm turning too demanding, or becoming a harpie about all this... I try not to be, but I just really think if we work at it now, it'll be better in the long run.
then I called my mom again, and reupdated her, because that's what I do with the important stuff. I have two best friends, a boyfriend best friend, and then the mamma best friend, and between the 4 of them they work wonders in the maintenance of my sanity. so I talked to my mom, and she seems very excited that I'm looking into Marine Bio again, seeing as how it was such a precious goal of mine for so many years. we talked about a lot of things, and she told me that she's really proud of how I've grown over the past few years, how I take the time to analyze things more, try to get a comprehensive idea of what things involve before I really jump into them. I used to be a lot more impulsive about my life, whereas now, she says, I weigh things a bit more carefully, get more opinions from where they really count, and try to think of things in terms of the big picture. and she said she's proud that I'm not centering my life on just one thing, and keeping my options open. she also revealed that it was one of her hopes that I wouldn't get married until I was at least 25, and I told her that, being 23 now, I'm fairly certain making it to that milestone won't be any great feat, lol. you know, I've spent the last 3 years growing as a student and as a person, and I've acrued honors at school and gotten compliments from professors, made deans lists at Chatham and become a Presidential Scholar here at Humboldt, and I've lived in another state, and travelled to other countries... but all of this really pales to me, seems incredibly unimportant, just to hear my mom tell me that she's proud of the person I'm becoming, proud of my choices and the way I'm leading my life. I think if I work my entire life, that will still be the most important thing I have ever achieved. my sincerest wish is that she knows that all of my achievements can be traced back to her hard work and influence.
oh, so funny story, I told her that I'm actually thinking of having kids one day... I was ready for a barage of "I told you so's", but she didn't say it even once, only said that she's not surprised. we talked about it a bit, about why I'd been so aversed to it before and what the big change was, and I really can't pin it down to just one thing, but I'm pretty sure I know a big part of the reason. that, however, is between me and my mom.
so how about there's this guy in my Dostoevsky class, and I swear that he is the single most pretentious person I have ever encountered in all the years of my existence. He talks in class all the time, which I do too, but he makes a point of pointing out that he remembers every Russian name in the book (he'll even say the names when someone else is trying to say something), that he can relate it to some bit of philosophy he's read, and that he's read further in the book than the professor this time around... but that's not even the worst part about this guy. no, the worst part about this guy is that he sits in the very back of the class with a smug, self-satisfied look on his face combing his fucking nasty, greasy, bleach-blond nappy ass hair with a pick. I swear he makes me want to claw my effing eyes out.
I've been checking around about marine bio programs and the prospect of double majoring, and I think I'm going to go talk to the head of the department here, because thats what my bio professor recommended. she said that based on what I told her about my performance in that class, as well as math and science grades from high school and college, that I'd be able to stay afloat, and probably do very well if I apply myself to it, and she said that this other guy, the head of the department, would be able to tell me more about the type of double major I'd be getting myself into, career opportunities, and all sorts of stuff. I would love to work at a really good aquarium, like Monterey Bay or Long Beach, maybe write publications there as well. it's a goal I haven't pursued in a really really long time, and I probably won't be able to do it, realistically speaking, because of other options I've dedicated myself to. sometimes it's really hard to know what to do about things, you know? of two huge and undoubtedly life-altering choices, which is the right one?
I just finished knitting my first hat, and it came out leagues better than my first crocheted hat, like I'm getting mad compliments on it, or people wanting me to teach them to knit or make them hats too. most people are shocked that I made it, that it didn't come from a store. not bad seeing as I haven't even been knitting a full two weeks yet. I'm working on a scarf for the boyfriend creature, which I suspect he agreed to more to shut me up than anything else. I want to finish it so that I can make myself another hat, in black so it will match more stuff. I'm speeding through all these projects because a) I can, and b) I vowed not to buy more yarn until I use up what I've already stock-piled. of course, that said, yarn would make an extremely welcome care package for yours truly, especially pretty yarn like mohair or something really soft and pretty.... you know, just in case you were thinking about it...
so it's just a tiny bit over a week until I'm in Pennsylvania visiting him. it's wierd, you know? to be so totally sure about something and yet so unsure in so many ways. I'm excited, and I'm scared, and nervous, and thrilled, and aching, and tons of other feelings for various and sundry reasons... sunday makes seven months.
okay, so not the whole computer. I've actually decided, today, that I'm just going to divorce AIM for an undecided amount of time. I've done it for about 4 days now, and I've discovered that I'm getting more of my homework/reading done, and having better conversations when I do talk to people. plus I've been feeling less depressed in general, and more productive. so yeah. I dunno when, or if I'll be picking up AIM again, but I'll keep y'all posted if I should change my mind on this.
things are going well. I'm knitting a hat and it's turning out really well so far. I'm probably a day or two from finishing it. been talking to some girls on campus who knit, and I think we're gonna get a knitting circle going, to hang out and shoot the shit and knit and talk about projects and trade end products and stuff. I need friends like burning, like that I can hang out with. I miss all my absent friends so much and I just can't take the isolation anymore, so this is a good thing for me, I think. I'm ready to shop around for a life, you could say.
in related news, my professors are all psychotic for the work load I'm under. I wish I could just say it's because of the course load I'm carrying, but I have 3 classes with reading loads that I would say are incompatible with any other class, even individually, so it's not my fault really. I'm sure next year will be the same though.
you know how life is like palm fronds, right? and how at each choice there are multiple intersections, each of which will cause your life to be just a little bit different from each of the others? I've been thinking a lot lately in terms of options, and I think it's a good thing. because no matter how attractive one option may seem, it's always helpful to have backup options, just in case that primary and oh-so-coveted option should fail to materialize.
so yeah. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling stable, and alive, and like I have choices and the possibilities of real friendships forming here maybe, and like I'm sailing my own ship again, kinda. It's a tenuous bit of progress I guess, but at least it's a type of progress, right? and I think that a lot of it has to do with me distancing myself from my computer, because in the past experiements just like this one have materialized very similar results. maybe I'm alergic to my computer? or maybe I just tend to make it the center of the universe and forget that there's a world out there worth exploring.