De corde totaliter
Et ex mente tota,
Absens in remota.
- Carmina Burana, Omnia Sol Temperat
Stacy Was Here :
Saturday, March 30, 2002
De corde totaliter
Et ex mente tota,
Absens in remota.
- Carmina Burana, Omnia Sol Temperat
So last night I got fershnickered and, with the courage of one who is inebriated, came a little bit closer to that oh-so-fearsome openness that has been eluding me for years... perhaps a little background is necessary?
See, from about since I can remember, my life has been one long, drawn out superficial lobotomy... Any time I got attached to anyone, or even just seemed like I was, well, disaster ensued. And most of the time it was caused by the apparently mistaken assumption that just because someone acts like they give a damn means the really do. And little by little, the whole "conditioned response" thing took effect, so eventually I became the poster child for emotional distance, with very little exception. I've never really been as emotionally dead as some people think, I've just gotten very good at hiding how I feel. Maybe a little too good? I'm such an idealist and a dreamer, when you really get to the heart of me... so it's odd that I'm so frequently compared to cynical characters like Daria. Maybe it's because of what people do to dreamers and idealists. So I think all this has played a contributing factor to the duality of my personality, and it just so happens that the cautious one usually wins out. Unless, of course, that adventurous/fearless side of me is armed with Vodka and cranberry juice.
So I had written this poem a while back, and just been afraid to send it... but last night (yay vodka), I finally did... and you know what? The sky didn't fall, and the little punk rock girl inside me (the one who wants to go wreck diving and surf Mavericks) proudly doc-stomped her way to another mini-victory. And I walked around grinning like the biggest damn goober ever.
Friday, March 29, 2002
Ok, so since the pictures weren't working anyway, I've started making them into slide shows, which I've been intending to do anyway. So far I've got three of them done, but I'll be finishing the rest of them up soon.
Thursday, March 28, 2002
The birds eye view is a very interesting perspective. Looking out on the city of Pittsburgh, it occured to me how unlikely it is that I'll ever be back here for any real length of time. It also occured to me how little of the city I've really seen. Maybe that's the difference between L.A. and here. L.A. and southern california became stagnant to me because I had seen everything the was to see, and when the view never changes, and isn't that awe inspiring to begin with, it all gets old really quickly. Contrast that with Pittsburgh, which is stagnant to me even though I have seen very little of it. This place is at once mysterious and tepid to me. I've been here for two years, and I'm still at the description Phug gave me two years ago... "*shrug* it has a nice airport." I've come to the conclusion that it's not bad, as cities go. It's not especially boring or dull, the people aren't any worse than other people. It's just that this place doesn't give me what I need from a living environment. I need someplace that will hold my attention enough to warrant some good exploration, and especially offer some good thinking spots. Also, not being gray for 9 months out of the year would be nice, too, though I can deal with that. Ultimately, I'm saying it's really me being picky rather than Pittsburgh really being undesirable.
I think I'd also like my life better if I had a finished copy in my hands. Maybe that's why in the past I've found books easier to stomach than real life, because with books you know that the ending is already written, and that the worry and anticipation are all in fun since the answer is there in your hands the whole time. Usually I know what's going to happen in my life too, but only with the mundane things. Any project I'm really invested in, I guess my higher functions get clouded and I can't see five inches from my nose. And naturally that's when I really want to know where things are going. If I had the final product in front of me, I could just skip ahead a few pages and see where my characters at a little while from now. I mean, even just a hint would be nice.
Here's me, being really impatient.
Wednesday, March 27, 2002
Ok, their servers went down so all my pics had to be moved, which is why they're not all working... I fixed the mood pics, the background, and the London section, the rest will have to wait until I have more energy and ambition.
Grrrrrrrr... so the place where I stored all of my pictures has decided to disable remote access of photos, and until I have a chance to upload everything onto my alotted space on my schools server, none of the pictures work. *shakes fist angrily at www.picturetrail.com*
M.E. called me today, and we talked about the housing stuff she got from Humboldt. They specifically note that "airborn objects" are not allowed, and that throwing things is also prohibited in the dorms. Nor is it permissible to climb the buildings or to jump or rappell oneself from the top of a building. We are, however, allowed to have lizards and popcorn poppers. Having, selling, or smoking controlled substances is not allowed inside the dorms... does that mean we're allowed to do those things outside the dorms? Maybe me and M.E. could start a lucrative little side business... you know, like a cart o' ganja right outside the student union... LoL.... Provided I am accepted, I think I'm really going to like this school.
I talked to the parental unit today, and she said that OTB is sleeping over at my house the night before him and my sister leave. I can just see him and her building a couch fort in the living room, and staying up late talking about how much fun they're going to have. Maybe they'll even paint each others nails. It's so unbearably cute I can't even stand it. I just can't wait for them to get here, we are going to have tons of fun.... Provided I don't run out of space on my schools network, pictures will be forthcoming. Ah, bugger that... I'll find a way to post the pictures, because (pardon me if I am biased) my sister is simply too cute not to.
And now it's time for me to actually stop procrastinating and do all the homework that I should have been doing all semester. Well, maybe.
Monday, March 25, 2002
So, you know, it's been a little more than two months, and I still can't stop thinking about you.
I suspect this may be due to a complete lack of effort on my part.
Sunday, March 24, 2002
Just in case you're wondering about why I've been doing all this survey stuff, it's because I am terminally bored. All of my friends left for spring break, and I'm here, pretty much by myself for the remaining portion of the week. All I have to do is work... in the info center, in the web development dept, on my homework. I swear, I'm already starting to go crazy... I'm working on cross-stitch for christs sake! I would perform unspeakable acts just to have someone to hang out with right now. As it is, WotWot calls me every night to tell me how bored she is at home, so I guess at least we're bored together.
Seriously, though, I have way too much time on my hands, and I'm thinking about things way too much. Silence works on me like alcohol does, so if I start rambling in here this week, that's why. Thinking about ones life is all fine and good... but when I'm this bored and the quiet is this loud, I tend to take it to a way different magnitude.
So do me a favor, whoever reads this. Leave me a nice long comment telling me how your day is going, or how you feel about life, or why the world is f'd up, or why I should visit Abudhabi. ANYTHING.
Here's the friday five, slightly belated:
1. What is your favorite time of year? Depends on what state I'm in. In California, Fall and Winter are my favorite seasons. In PA, it's Spring.
2. What is it about your favorite season that, well, makes it your favorite season? Well, Fall and Winter in CA are nice a mild... Fall is especially nice because it's when the heat of summer first starts to fade. Winter I like because of all the holidays, and because the weather is perfect for curling up in a blanket or in front of a fire. I like spring in PA because the flowers and trees start coming back to life after a long, grey winter.
3. What is your least favorite time of year? Why? I don't do well with heat, at all.
4. Do you do anything to celebrate or recognize the changing of seasons? When I can and I remember, I do.
5. What's your favorite thing to do outside? love camping, hiking, surfing (badly), taking pictures, build campfires, go for long drives, enjoy the scenery, or look for faeries with my sister.
Saturday, March 23, 2002
from meigans blog
1.Your full name: Stacy
2. Nickname(s): depends on who you ask...
3. Eye Color: blue with a gold ring round the middle and a dark blue ring around the outside.
4. Height: 5'6"
5. Parents names: Sharon and whatshisface
6. Brother or sister's name(s): Amie, Joey, Jason, Ricky
7. Your current school and grade: college sophomore
8. Your birthday: 11/10/79
1. Soundtrack: Practical Magic
2. Kind of music: damn near anything but country or gospel
3. Band: depends on the day... usually Rasputina
4. Song: Wild Horses, by the Sundays
5. Sport: does driving with no destination count as a sport
6. Player in that sport: lol... me
7. TV show: don't watch much TV
8. Movie of all time: there are tons...
9. Actor(s): Carey Elwes
10. Actress(es): not sure
11. Comic strip: the boondocks
12. Cartoon character: brak
13. Subject: english
14. Teacher: dr. adam
15. Winne the Pooh character: eeyore
16. Adam Sandler movie: wedding singer
17. Fast food place: Molcasalsa or Del Taco
18. Movie quote: "wait a minute... nice boys don't kiss like that..."-"oh yes they fucking do" bridget joneses diary.
19. Thing to do on the weekend: go out with friends
20. Season: in CA: fall and winter, PA spring
21. Thing to do in the winter: curl up with a blanket, or in front of a fire
22. Thing to do in the summer: hang out with my sister, go to the beach
23. Inside Joke: wonkavater
25. Food: (currently): mexican
26. Holiday: halloween
27. Thing to talk about: anyone who attends Chatham knows the answer to this.
28. Sexual position: dunno yet... hafta try them first
29. Thing to do to the opposite sex: no comment =X
30. Thing about the opposite sex: eyes or hands
31. Ice Cream: butter pecan
32. Cologne/Perfume: V'e Versace, Anais Anais
33. Commercial: *shrug*
1. Coke or Pepsi: Pepsi
2. McDonald's or Burger King: McDonalds
3. Single or Taken: taken
4. Water or Flavored Water: water
5. Being "just" friends or being "more" than friends: depends on how much more than friends you mean
6. Rock or Rap: rock
7. Limp Bizkit or Korn: korn
8. Biggie or TuPac: neither
9. Crying or smiling: smiling
10. Working or Not: working
11. Going out or Staying in: both
12. Movies or Mall: movies
13. Sleeping or Being awake: depends on the company I'm keeping
14. Batman or Superman: batman
15. Boxers or Briefs: boxers
16. To give or to receive: give
17. X's or O's: if we're talking kisses and hugs, I love really really good hugs, but kisses are nice too... if we're talking letters, I like X's
18. Pen or pencil: pen
19. Love or lust: both
20. Diamonds or pearls: if I had to chose one, diamonds
21. Sunrise or sunset: sunset
22. Sun or moon: moon
23. Shower or bath: bubble bath in a huge tub... mmmmmmm....
1. Your best friend: in no particular order, Patrick, Steve, Jen, Owendammit, Michelle, Wendy
2. The most trustworthy person: Michelle
3. Current crush(s): LoL... if you read my journal you know the status of this question.
4. The smartest person you know: prolly Patrick
5. The nicest person you know: Michelle
6. The funniest person you know: Wendy and Meigan
7. Just an all-around great person: pretty much all of my friends
8. The rudest person you know: the frat matresses I live next to
9. The most annoying person you know: LoL... I'm compiling a mental list, so =X
10. The biggest flirt: Steve
11. The loudest person you know: prolly jen
12. The quietest person you know: Eileen
13. The hottest person you know: iono
14. Cutest Couple: WotWot and the SEP
1. What was your most favorite thing to do when you were little: swim, sing, dance
2. What is the thing you miss the most: not having to care about anything
3. What do you remember about 1998 if anything: graduating high school
4. Would you want to go back in time: yeah, to January 19th, 2002
5. Does it hurt you knowing that you really cant: yeah, at the moment it does...
1. Where do you see yourself in 10 years: As a college professor living with someone special, somewhere near the ocean, and prolly with the GBD living in my garage.
2. Do you think you'll be a cool parent: possibly....
3. What job do you want to have when you're older?: English Lit professor
4. Are you going to marry for money or love: this is a ridiculous question... I would work for money... I would sell things for money... I would only ever marry for love.
5. Future daughter(s) name(s): I dunno
6. Would you ever think about adoption: definitely... I've thought about adopting since I was a kid.
7. Would you ever become a priest or a nun: Ha!
Have You Ever
1. Smoked: no
2. Come close to dying: yeah
3. Done X-rated things with whipped cream: I plead the fifth
4. Strip teased for someone: nope
5. Had sex: nope
6. Done everything else BUT sex in one night: hmmm... what exactly is everything?
7. Flashed anyone: nope
8. Told someone you loved them: only family and friends
9. Cried for no reason: yes
10. Stabbed your best friend in the back: nope
11. Told a hot secret to everyone that wasn't supposed to be told: not intentionally
12. Had a dream and like a week after, it actually happened: all the time
13. Cheated on your boy/girl friend with their best friend: nope
14. Been to a concert: yeah
15. Sat down to listen to a friends problem and gone "who really cares": yes, but i haven't told them that
16. Thought that MiMi on the Drew Carey show was really a guy: lol... yeah
17. Wondered why Pluto and Goofy are both dogs but only Goofy can talk: yup
Are You A
1. Daydreamer or wide awake or neither: daydreamer
2. Bitch or Asshole or neither: bitch
3. Slut or whore or neither: neither
4. Guy or girl or in between: girl... total complete girl
5. Pimp or Prostitute or neither: neither
1. Have you ever been forced to do something that you didn't want to do: yeah
2. Do/Did you ever do homework: as infrequently as possible
3. Have you ever thought about changing your name: yeah
4. If so to what: Anastasia... same name, just longer
5. Have you ever had a scary experience in the ocean: yup
6. Do you like dogs: depends on the dog
7. Have you ever gotten compliments about the way you kiss: no
8. What's the hardest thing about growing up: falling away from the comfort of childhood
9. What is the most romantic thing someone has ever done for you: pretty much everything that occurred on Jan 19th.
10. What is the best feeling in the world: caring about another person
11. Do you sleep with stuffed animals: sometimes
12. Can you dance: yes... you didn't ask if I could dance well.
13. Do you like to dance: yes
14. Was this survey long enough or what?: YES
Thursday, March 21, 2002
I am just filled with warm fuzzies tonight... and I'm not exactly sure why, because by all accounts I should just be having a normal night. See, it's the first day of spring today, right? And what happens? Snow, and lots of it. All of my friends are going to be gone for a week, and I can't go with WotWot because I have to work this week getting the web templates at my school working.
I think part of my mood is knowing that my sister will be here in less than two weeks. It's also the Vernal Equinox tonight, which is a pagan holiday. If I'm feeling ambitious maybe I'll do some meditation a little later on. Something about my witchy holidays just puts me in a good mood, of deep resonance. Even though I can't really observe it completely, it's like I can feel other pagans around making the connection. And my head has been swimming with wonderful daydreams all day, and right now I'm listening to Dante's Prayer by Loreena McKennitt, which is my song of the moment. I love it when a song just hits the spot.
Speaking of my happy daydreams, I got some new propaganda from the wonderful people at Humboldt, basically touristy stuff about the area, with lots of pictures. Turns out The Majestic was filmed not far from where my schools is. If you've seen that movie, you know how beautiful the area is. Of course, I'm already convinced that I'm going there, and as such the propaganda value is lost on me... Methinks I sees some california propaganda in M.L.'s future, however... tee hee.
Well, I'm off to go be witchy.
Cast your eyes to the ocean...
Cast your soul to the sea...
When the dark night seems endless...
Please remember me...
-Dante's Prayer, Loreena McKennitt
So today I did not rate very high on fashion practicality. I looked out my window when I got up at noon and thought "gee, it's quite sunny out, I guess I'll wear my sandals." By the time I left work, it was snowing. Not just raining, snowing. And the snow was sticking to the ground. So I had to have my boss drive me to my dorm. *sigh* I *hate* Pittsburgh weather.
Things are going well with my new job. I came up with a solution to the problem they presented me with. It's a slightly less brilliant solution than I would have liked, but it works, so that's good at least. So I'll be spending the next few times at work getting that in place, which is cool... much more productive than sitting there wishing evil on the creators of Netscape.
On the upside, tomorrow is my last day of classes before spring break, so I'll probably be spending the next 9 days piddling around the internet at odd hours, doing stuff that isn't really necessary or truly productive, mostly just procrastinating from tackling the mountain of work that I've been saving up for a rainy day. I can't wait for my sister to get here. Can't wait, can't wait, can't wait. We are going to have *such* a blast. :)
Wednesday, March 20, 2002
Missing and Presumed Dead:
One cynical part of my personality.
If found, please contact me @
So yeah, today was a really, really nice day. I'm turning into one of those people that I always narrowed my eyes at, and I don't even mind. My latest objectives, aside from the campaign, have been to be in the right place at the right time, and listening to music that reminds me of California (which is my bi-annual end-of-semester ritual. Usually involves the Beach Boys and the Mamas and the Papas.)
Got my mid-term grades today, 3 A's (French, Pre-Calc, and Java) and 3 Passes (which means C or better.) Not bad, not bad... one step closer to world domination. Seems even with my rusty start I've not managed to plunge into academic ruin this semester. Don't worry, I won't let it go to my head.
Next week is spring break, a whole 9 days with no classes whatsoever, and only intermitent work. Translation: I'm going to have a lot of time on my hands, and I won't be using all of it for homework. If anyone has any ideas what I can do to amuse myself, please share in the comments section. I can only take so many damn pictures of myself ;)
Posted new pics, mainly in the family section. From now on, I'll mark the new pics with an asterisk so y'all can tell which were most recently updated.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
As much as you try to control your own destiny, the Hands of Fate will intervene several times next week, knocking you into puddles for their own amusement.
a la the onion.
Tuesday, March 19, 2002
Me = Math Goddess Extraordinaire?
Not exactly, but I *did* get 97.7% on my first pre-calc test, which is a nice solid A... Yay me! I'll probably be more excited once the shock wears off.
Monday, March 18, 2002
Yay me. I finished my paper, and just got my french quiz back... got an A, highest grade in my class :) woo. So now that I'm mentally wasted from my all-nighter, I think I need to relax a bit and refrain from stressing myself out. I'm in a pretty good mood today. Four more days to this week, and I have spring break... a whole week off of school and work. And after that, OTB and the SuperSister will be here. Can't wait to see them, time is passing soo slowly.
Took down the email form because it was doing weird things to blogger when I tried to edit my template, so until I can figure out a way around it, looks like it's back to just email links. Later on I'll probably look more into changing my navigation a bit, though I'm not sure how soon you'll see the results of that.
Also hashing through some mockery ideas in my head, basic design I'm going for, and just overall layout issues. I checked into it and Humboldt has a CIS major/minor program. If I double majored I'd have to take Calculus, so first we'll see how I fare in Pre-Calc. If I pass it without too much of a heart attack, maybe I'll go for the double major. If I decide after this semester that math and I have irreconcilable differences, maybe I'll just take up the minor.
Sunday, March 17, 2002
By the way, I've added a few new features. From bloglet, you can now enter your email address and be notified when I update. They'll send you a maximum of one email per day, no matter how many times I post, so it won't be a flood if I'm feeling chatty ;) Also, via bravenet, I've added an email form as well, so you can email me directly from this page. Why, you ask? Because I personally don't have my email configured right on my computer, so clicking on an email link does me no good, and since I don't get a whole lot of feedback I figured that a) I'll go by what I think would make things easier, and b) maybe this will stir up some more feed back *hint hint* So yeah, that's what I've done. I'm also hoping to tweak the navigation a bit once I can understand Java Script a little better. I'm thinking of a pulldown menu for the links so that the navigation bar isn't quite so damn long, so if anyone knows how to do that and will hook me up with the code, lemme know. Otherwise y'all are at the mercy of when I have time to figure it out on my own.
Ok, so it's been one week now, and what have I learned from this trial separation? 1: not blogging doesn't cause me to explore other outlets, it merely causes me to internalize everything and that = bad. 2: I don't care if creepy people still read my blog, or if they employ internet searches to find all of my friends sites to check up on me that way. I will not be weirded out of using my own damn weblog, thank you very much. And now that my head is full of mental garbage, it's time to take out the trash. Oh yeah, I'm back.
I hate the creepy feeling of knowing that the past still looms over me and affects the way I handle things now. It kind of reminds me of that kid in junior high gym class, and I know most of you will know what kid I'm talking about even if you went to a different school, because every school had one. I'm talking about that kid who'd try and play basketball, and get all psyched up about it... then the minute they got the ball they'd curl up in the fetal position and refuse to let go of it. That's kind of how I feel at the moment... like someone finally passed me the ball and I'm caught up in my own defenses. And I know everyone has issues, but I can't help but feeling like I should be past this, that it shouldn't have the impact on me that it does, but I just can't seem to shrug it off. And I'm starting to feel like this fear that impares me is unjustified now, and I really hope thats true because I think I can get past this in the right circumstances. I'm certainly trying.
So I'd like to go on record right now to say that my Harlem Ren class teacher is psyco. She just *reduced* our workload this weekend to a 5 page paper and reading a 150 page book. Did I mention there *was* more to this? And her attitude is that she just doesn't care that we have work from other classes. Peachy. So is she gonna give me 15 credits for passing her class when I fail the rest of them trying to keep up with her reading schedule? ugh.
Still working on the Dr. situation. Looks like I will qualify for the community aid thing, which would solve the financial problem, I just need to get the tax forms from my mother... who, of course, has not filed out taxes yet. Hear that? That's me hitting myself on the forehead. Looks like by the time I can go to the dr it will be summer and I'll have to start all this bullshit all over again with a different dr. The symptoms returned after 7 days, but now their very mild and come and go, so aren't as frequent as before. Still taking my vitamins like a good girl.
On the upside, I've been offered a job in the Web Development department at my school as a direct result of my final project in my web dev class, which is taught by the head of the IT department. I should be working two days a week until the end of the school year. Granted I won't be doing a lot of glamourous site building, more along the lines of tech support and creating forms in PDF and stuff, but it will still be good experience, and maybe help me get a similar job when I get to Humboldt. I'm thinking of double majoring in English and something computer related, or maybe picking up a computer-related minor. Not sure what I'd go with, gotta see what Humboldt offers, but I think it would give me more marketable skills which will help when it comes time for me to get a real job. *shiver*
So things are actually going ok. OTB and the incredible Amiekins come out in a couple weeks, which I am INSANELY excited about. I know I will feel tons better once I get one of my sisters world famous hugs again :) Coolest. Sister. Ever. Also, it looks like WotWot and her SBP will be coming out to CA this summer, so I get to play tour guide for them. Woo! That is going to be great fun.
More later, probably.
Monday, March 11, 2002
Taking a break from blogging as I feel it might be stifling other areas of self expression... when will I be back? Not sure. Need to reach me? Try one of my three email addresses or AIM.
Sunday, March 10, 2002
So WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo for M.E.!!!! She got her letter of acceptance from Humboldt... now I just have to wait and see if I got in too... I'm pretty sure I did, but it won't be official until the letter is here, and I'll still be worried about it until then.
In health related news, the symptoms I have been suffering have been gone for
And for some reason my hair is *huge* today. I went to sleep with it wet, so naturally when I got up this morning I looked like shirley temple after sticking a fork into an electrical outlet. The worst part about it is people sticking their hands in it all day and telling me how cute it is... I *hate* cute. Especially on me.
Friday, March 08, 2002
So, no Goonies, but we did see Space Balls and Sixteen Candles, so tonight was good. I love movies with cheesy happy endings... and you don't get any better than "make a wish" "but it already came true" *insert kiss over flaming cake*. Ok, so I'm a schmuck for 80's movies, what can I say? We decided that WotWot's SBP was probably Anthony Michael Hall in high school, LoL.
I was thinking about it just now, and I am definitely a music junkie. But beyond that I was thinking that there is music that really hits the spot for a short period of time and then fades out of synch with you, and then there's music that stays inside of you for always. Like "You Were Meant For Me" by Jewel just tried to play on my launch cast, and I just hit fast forward because I don't really care for it anymore, but I remember being in high school when it first came out, and I had this friend Olivia who had it, and I remember just sitting there listening to that CD and crying like mad. Kind of depressing, I guess, but I was dealing with a lot in high school, and it gave me a way of letting it out. And now it's just a song. It's not my anthem, or my soundtrack music anymore. And then there are songs like "A Warm Place" by NIN, which has no words, but something in the melody just makes everything in me draw to a common central rythm. Something about that song is the pace at which I exist, and so it's a great song for me when my mind is littered all around in disconnected confusion. I love music like that. The piano solo in Claudia's Adagio Agitato from the Interview with the Vampire soundtrack is the same thing. That puts me in touch with my grieving mechanisms when I need them. The silliest thing, I think, is that music is the real reason why I miss my car so much. Because my car is like my music cocoon. I can turn up the volume as loud as I want, sing at the top of my lungs, and it's my space. Here I've got my room, but I've also got thin walls and neighbors, some of whom are not inconsiderate nuisances.
One of my friends said "damn, I'm glad I'm on your good side" when she heard me rant about last nights interruption of sleep, but I'm not really an angry/violent/bad tempered person. For the most part I like to ignore stuff like that, and if it was an isolated incident I would. In all actuality, it takes a lot to really get me pissed off, and I'd rather avoid it completely. Once I do get pissed, however, I don't usually just yell and scream, I get even. Like if last nights events are repeated, I'll be going to my RA immediately to turn them in for underage drinking. Does that make me vindictive? Probably. Will it stop my problem? Possibly. Anyway, long story short (too late), I'm not irritated anymore. My computer works, I'm determined to sleep tonight, and things have been patched up between WotWot and I (that's another long story I'll not go into, because it's not really a big deal.) She'll prolly be back sleeping in my closet by the end of this weekend.
And no, for those who asked, I have not called the clinic place yet. I'll call eventually, probably. I'm not good at this dr stuff. But I have been taking my vitamins like a good girl, and I noticed I have more energy than I did. Prolly means I'm anemic, I guess. The Dr here on campus asked if people had remarked on my paleness, and I had to surpress a laugh. I don't think I could possibly be more pale, really. Any paler and I'd be transparent.
I just had the sudden urge to go swimming. Odd.
I think thats my cue to go to bed now.
Woooo... computer is back in action and I even got Launch to work. Tonights agenda could possibly including watching the Goonies and Space Balls.
Wow, so I think I just ran out of the desire to complain about stuff. Looking back over my entries for the past few months, I feel like thats all I've been doing. I can't even believe people are still reading all this when all I seem to be able to do is gripe about my life. Aren't y'all getting irritated with me? I am... so, in an effort to curtail this, I'm going to go through a make a list of the things that I am thankful/grateful for.
1. I have the coolest friends in the world. Like Stdiva, for instance. He's so freaking awesome he's going to call my little sister just to see how she's been doing. And you know what? That will make her day/week/month. She will be *so excited* to hear from him. And OTB is coming out to visit me with her in April. And M.E. works tirelessly to help me maintain my sanity here. So yeah, I have really great friends. All of them. Even the ones I didn't mention.
2. I am in college. As much as this is a source of frustration and irritation for me, I'm still really damn lucky to be in college at all. And I even have my own room now, which is great, even though I live next to a couple of morons.
3. I've been able to travel abroad twice in my life, and the most recent time I met some of the most amazing people I've ever met before. There's one in particular I'm thankful to have met, but I've already told that tale ;)
4. My family. I may not always agree with them or appreciate them, but they're there for me, and they love me.
5. My relative health. I'm generally healthy, except for this thing right now, and the more I think about it the more I'm confident that it's probably nothing to lose sleep over. I'll be ok.
6. The summer I have waiting for me. Car, friends, beach, sister, malfeasance... muahahahahaha.
7. The impending visit from my sister and OTB... This will help boost my spirits by leaps and bounds. Like a piece of California :)
Ok, so here's an update. Didn't actually kill anyone last night, yay me. Computer still f*cked. Probably have to take it apart and put it back together, but I'll call my schools help desk first and see what pearls of wisdom they have to offer *insert sarcasm here*. But now, it's off to class with me. Slightly less infuriated than I was 9 hours ago.
Thursday, March 07, 2002
Hi, I'm probably going to kill someone tonight.
I was asleep. Operative word "was". Remember those neighbors of mine who were falling in my esteem earlier today? Well, is it fucking too much to ask that they not come home slobbering drunk at 2am and then vomit all over the hall, all while yelling, talking, and laughing very loudly and waking me up? I'm not normally a violent person, but when someone has been getting on my last goddamn nerve already and proceeds to make a complete fucking nuisance of themselves, it's pretty hard to NOT want to inflict bodily harm on them, especially when said events occur at 2 o'clock in the goddamn morning.
Oh, and joy of all joys, the power went out. Then it came on and went out again 3 times in rapid succession. And now my fucking computer wont connect to the schools network. So I'm in the lab, and the networks not down which probably means that something in my computer is now fried. *kicks stuff and swears a lot* I really hate this place, I really freaking do, and if something is really wrong with my computer, I damn well hope they're prepared to pay for it, because there's no good reason for the power to go out... it's not even freaking raining, so it must be somewhere in the maintenance. And now, if my shouting and vomiting neighbors will permit me to do so, I'm going back to bed.
This post brought to you by the numbers 13 and 25, and the letters F and U.
Oh yeah, and today makes one year that I've been blogging. :)
1. What makes you homesick? Damn near everything...
2. Where is "home" for you? Is it where you are living now, or somewhere else (ie: Mom & Dad's house, particular state/city)? California is home. Whittier, California
3. What makes it home for you? People? Things? hmmmm... this is a tough one. I think the ocean will always symbolize home for me, even if it's not the pacific. I also equate family and loved ones with home. It's not really a specific place, per se, just a feeling of being surrounded by that support mechanism, near the ocean, with my people around me.
4. Where is the furthest you've been from home, miles-wise? London, England
5. What are your plans for this weekend? Working. Just like last weekend. And the weekend before that. *sigh*
btw, I would just like to say that Launchcast can bite me. It won't let me sign in, so I can't hear my songs :( grumblegrumblegrumblegrumblegrumblegrumble.
If anyone could find me the MP3's of "Wild Horses" by the Sundays, and "Time After Time" by Everything But The Girl, I would be eternally grateful.
It's campaign time!!! Woo.
tons of california pics
humboldt visitors bureau
california photo album
20 reasons to love california
So today has been slightly less than stellar for the following reasons:
1. I'm in a pissy mood.
2. People are trying really damn hard to tap dance on my last nerve.
3. Managed to wuss out of calling that clinic today, so no closer to medical treatment.
4. Have been unable to get ahold of OTB since I bought airline tickets, so I still need to confirm with him so he can't flake out on me.
5. Shoulders really tense and hurting.
6. Stupid alarm in dorm keeps testing itself. Every few seconds. Sounds vaguely like annoying birds.
7. One set of my neighbors is rapidly falling in my esteem.
8. Inadvertantly slept through pre-calc.
On the upside:
1. Weather today was really nice. Didn't bring spring cheerfulness, but at least it wasn't cold today.
2. For the second day in a row, symptoms of health problem that has me worried are absent. This has happened before, however, so the chances of it lasting are not great.
3. Web Development teachers like my work enough to want me to be the work study for the Web Dev department at my school. Can't really take advantage of said opportunity as I'm transfering, but it was a nice confidence booster none the less.
4. Even though I missed pre-calc, I went to the profs office and dropped of my homework, explained why I wasn't there, and picked up the review problems so I can start reviewing for my test one week from today.
5. Mom is being supportive about health crisis, to the point of not even mentioning the financial burdon this could place on us. This makes me feel bad for doubting her, but it reaffirms my faith in her, so that's good.
6. Because of Web Dev class, I get free webspace on my schools server. Can you say Photography site with no ads? Score :) I'll post the link, naturally, when it's finished. Also, don't have to use tables because I got permission to use CSS instead. Yay me.
7. Parental unit and Sister Amie agreed to grant my request for mexican food to be shipped with said sister at begining of April.
8. Begining of April is rapidly approaching.
9. Web Dev class only has one more meeting. Granted, I like that class, it only meets once a week, and there is very little homework, at least it's one class over with.
10. Good imagination and daydreaming faculties are providing me with endless hours of amusement, mostly involving M.L., California, Ocean, and Car.
11. Launchcast is playing "Sucked Out" by Superdrag. I like this song.
Here are some things for me to work on:
1. Not missing any more classes unnecessarily.
2. Finish Web Dev final assignment.
3. Study for Pre-Calc test. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.
4. Catch up on reading for Harlem Ren.
5. Get some nerve up and make that damn Dr's appointment that I have no desire to make.
6. Learn to ignore people who seem bent on irritating me.
Wednesday, March 06, 2002
Would like to point out that I am still cheerful. To that end, I will recount that the Dr I spoke to today said she's confident it's not anything terribly serious. Said it's probably just some chemical imbalance or something I can't pronounce (which is never actually good, but it's better than it could be, right?)
Would also like to point out that I am terminally bored in Java class. Am noticing what a fun word "Java" is to say. javajavajavajavajavajavajavajavajavajavajavajavajavajava. Am wondering when we will be making things that don't look like squares or confederate flags like last nights homework. Looking at powerpoint presentation presented by strange Java professor. This is starting to vaguely resemble math, and we all know how much Stacy likes math.
Just decided will spend rest of class looking out window. Window far more interesting than powerpoint presentation. Can see planes heading across the horizon. Would rather be on one of said planes, as they are heading west and west=home. Why is there something resembling a large blue golf tee on the top of a hill outside said window? Pittsburgh=wierd town. Now there's a jet leaving a fluffy white trail through the sky. Reminds me of whipped cream in a can.
Just occured to me that large amounts of vodka and red bull would do wonders for improving my day. Might also help reduce amount of tension in my shoulders, as it feels like they are tied together by a far-too-short length of rope. Innebriation would probably be welcome. Would probably not do wonders for my Pre-Calc homework, however, so Pre-calc wins, shoulders lose.
Currently wonder what mother will bitch about first: prospect of this costing money, or me not telling her sooner. Will be interesting and possibly allow startling look into mothers priorities. Not sure I want to know. Remember car accident I was in at seventeen. Remember mother saying "my beautiful car" over and over again. Sure I do not want to know which she will bitch about first.
Java prof is currently making something on large screen that vaguely resembles a test for colorblindness. Returning gaze to window, which is not currently entertaining either. Wonder if JavaProf would notice if I nodded off? Class ends in about 5 minutes. That's 5 minutes too long.
Have pencil and sudden urge to drive said pencil forceably through my eye. Another jet leaving another whipped-cream trail in sky, this time farther away so that it actually looks like the sky is ripping. In a big arc. Now it looks like Falcor from Neverending Story. Mental note: should watch that movie more as I own video.
Now that silly JavaProf is wrapping up his marathon babble session, will end marathon stream-of-consciousness blog babble-ness. Thank you, and good day.
Oh, but wait, I left out the best part. I haven't told my mom about this yet, so I get to call her tonight and explain why I've neglected to mention a potentially serious health problem that I've been experiencing since October. Woo.
Survived Dr's appointment with no poking, no prodding, no bloodwork. Nothing really accomplished other than the dr suggesting I take iron pills in the mean time since I may or may not be anemic. Apparently it'd be cheaper to get everything else done at a clinic because I probably qualify for assistance/reduced rates and such. So yay, more waiting, more f*cking dr's, and more wondering what the hell is wrong with me. And she said I'll probably need like 4-5 blood tests. !?!?!?!?!?!? I hope they can do all of them from the same sample because I may already be anemic, so drawing all the blood out of me may not be the best idea the medical profession has had recently. God this is f*cking ridiculous. Me? frusterated? never... urgh... why can't this just all go away? grumblegrumblegrumblegrumblegrumblegrumblegrumble
Oh, and btw... Friday is my first Blogday :) Shower me with blatant adoration.
Tuesday, March 05, 2002
this is why I have sudden fits of wanting to leave the country under cover of night.
Scorpio Oct. 24 - Nov. 21
At least for an hour or two, you need to forget about all those criticisms you have been subjected to in the past. You need to listen to your heart and your head, and you need to see how far -- and in how many directions -- you can stretch yourself. Talk about your theories of other worlds, why you believe in gnomes and where you would like your soul to reside a million years from now. Be as wild and adventurous as the conversation will allow. You are primed to explore the deepest levels of intimacy.
heeh... this fits. I am a million miles above the Earth right now, even though tomorrow may involve unpleasant medical ordeals. I guess to a certain degree I've come to realize some things... I've had some really great experiences, so if something is really wrong with me, I can't really claim to have been jipped on life, can I? And if I'm fine? Well, lets just say I'll have gained a new appreciation for the big things, and the little things... especially the little things.
heeh... all of a sudden it's not so hard to remain cheerful.... I'm glad no one can see me right now because I have to biggest, most goobery grin on my face... =D
Appointment went ok, led to another appointment that will probably lead to unpleasant poking and prodding and blood work being ordered. Urgh. Not happy about this. Wish it would all just go away. grumblegrumblegrumblegrumblegrumble.
Per M.L.'s orders, trying to remain cheerful and optimistic. Would find it a lot easier to accomplish this task if prospects did not involve cold surgical instruments. Still trying, however. Updates forthcoming.
Well, I finally made an appointment to talk to a nurse about a health problem that's been worrying me. Now I'm nervous beyond belief and it's going to take a serious act of will for me to actually go, but I've at least made the first step, right? I mean, what are the chances that something is seriously wrong with me? :/
Monday, March 04, 2002
Listening to Sigur Ros... mmmmm... at this moment it is the best. music. ever.
Whole bunch of randomness:
Things I miss about Home:
1. Mom and sister Amie.
2. My friends.
3. My car (read my freedom, my mobility, private concert hall, etc.) I miss being able to roll up the windows, turn up the radio, and sing as loud as I want knowing that no one outside my car can hear me.
4. The ocean.
5. Nights galavanting around in the Misdemeanor Mobile v. 2.0 with Phug and Stdiva, talking about Mockery and planning general malfeasances. Oh, and planning to take over the world at our Denny's Headquarters.
6. Swimming in the ocean and seeing Dolphins no more than 10 feet away.
7. Being able to drive for hours in any direction and know exactly where I am.
8. The weather. Being able to go out into my front yard at night, lay down in the grass, look up at the stars, without a jacket.
9. Knowing about 100 different ways to get damn near anywhere.
10. Running to Molcasalsa with Sings with her Spirit or Phug to stock up on carne asada goodness.
Things I love about Pittsburgh:
1. The friends I've made here: WotWot, Meimur (aka the GBD), M.E., and everyone. I'm too lazy to type all the names, dammit, but you all know who you are. And if you don't know, you should know.
2. Actual seasons. I *usually* like this.
3. The fact that there is an actual restaurand named "Joe Mammas." Italian food.
4. Riding around on the Pitt Shuttle for no apparent reason other than to escape the bubble for a while.
5. Being Diva of the Dance Cave in my room.
Things I Hate about Pittsburgh:
1. Lack of ocean.
2. Distance from my family and friends.
3. Cold weather. Today the high is 19 degrees. 19. Freaking. Degrees. Hear that? It's the sound of my face chipping off.
4. Absense of my car.
5. The word "pop."
6. The tendency of natives here to omit the words "to be" from sentences where "to be" should be. Example: "His shirt needs to be washed." becomes "His shirt needs washed." *twitch*
7. No good Mexican Food... grrrrrr... ::note to self: request carne asada burrito be sent with sister to Pittsburgh; end note to self::
Some things to 'fess up to:
1. Yes I am ticklish, as a matter of fact, but people have been known to get hurt by my wild body-flailings when I am tickled, so you may want to be careful when you exact your "revenge." ;)
2. Yes I've saved everything. Everything. Everything Everything Everything. (Goober!!!!)
3. WotWot and I spent 2 hours last night skipping through launch cast looking for "Wild Horses." Finally found it. God I love that song.
4. Really want to see me smile? Come visit. I doubt I'd stop smiling the entire time.
Reasons for M.L. to come visit me in California (note, this list is never complete.):
1. California is beautiful. There are countless breathtaking places just in *Southern* California, and I'm not even that fond of Southern California. Central and Northern California are just too breathtaking for words.
2. No one knows California better than me. In my infinite boredom during my formative years, I have explored damn near every inch of Southern California, as well as amassed an impressive knowledge of the best places north of Ventura.
3. Finally find out what M.L. means. Muahahahahaha.
4. Fascinating study in the way religions relate to one another: My family. There's me: Pagan, my mom: congregational Christian (non-practicing), Amie: formerly of Lutheran School fame, basically Christian, but develops serious pagan leanings the older she gets, my grandmother: Jewish, and my uncle: uhrm... something about Aliens cultivating our society? What happens when these people collide in the same house? One thing I can promise you, it's never ever dull.
5. Interesting view into the sordid lives of native Californians. This may include a trip to see Rocky Horror live, a daunting journey through WeHo, or *ghasp* a tour through Disneyland by a jaded ex-employee.
6. Three words: Excellent Ethnic Food... especially Mexican Food, which is my particular forte.
7. Two words: Road Trip.
8. One word: Me.
Sunday, March 03, 2002
Ok, so we've established that I'm not fond of Pittsburgh, but to be fair, and to show M.E. that I'm not totally aversed to her city, I will admit that there are some cool things about Pittsburgh. Like walking out your door and finding that everything is covered in a pure white sparkling blanket of snow (though I will say that the novelty wears of quickly, it's still breathtaking.) Or when winter is approaching it's end, and you've been staggering around at half keel for months, stuck in the grey moods that it brings on, and you see one tiny, struggling flower bursting through, and it brightens your day up so much. In CA, it doesn't every get grey for that long, so the flowers never really completely go away, and you just take it for granted. Here, with actual seasons, you become so in tune with the seasons that they effect your mood, so one little flower can make all the difference in the world. This coming from a professed flower cynic (used to work at a flower shop, for a year and a half, in high school.) It's not that I'm against them, per se, I just like them better in the ground. And yeah, leaving work today because I'm not feeling so great, I was walking out of the dining hall and I saw this little runt of an Iris peeking out of the ground. It was so small it looked like a midget version, very purple with hearty yellow accents, and I ached for my camera, which of course was in my room. Maybe if I'm feeling better later I'll go take a picture of it.
Saturday, March 02, 2002
To my friends who have expressed concern, please don't bother worrying about me. I'm fine, and I can handle all of this perfectly well, I'm just being a bit self-indulgent lately. I'm really just being frusterated and impatient is all. I know where I want to be, and I've done my part (I even sent in my FAFSA on time and had my SAT scores sent... how about that?) So now it's just a waiting game, and we all know I have little patience. I've made up my mind, now why is everything moving so slow? Typical scorpio/leo mix, I guess? And I guess it's also that now that I've made the difinitive steps towards leaving this school forever, I don't have much desire to try and like it here anymore. That and I can't wait for Amie and OTB to get here. I think their visit will do me a lot of good, really. If I can't get to California, at least I can bring a piece of California to me, right? And can you even fathom how many pictures I'm going to take over that six day period? At least most of them won't be of me. And then this summer I will be back in California for a while. Maybe not forever, but who knows. And what will I have learned from this place? First of all that I can exist anywhere, but that I need to be selective if I really want to live. How to atrophy myself to a certain degree, but also the consequences of doing so. I probably shouldn't voluntarily remove myself from the ocean for more than a few months at a time, if it can be avoided. Do I regret coming here? Absolutely not. It put me into the right places and times to meet some amazing people, one of whom I am taking with me to Humboldt. I've been exposed to some wonderful educators. I've had some amazing experiences. I've accomplished some pretty cool things. But I don't need to be here anymore. It's become stagnant, and it's time for me to move on to new horizons and accomplishments. What do I hope to accomplish back in California, and specifically in going to Humboldt? Hopefully find and understand the ballance between too close to home and a million miles away. Become an active force in my sisters life again, for sure. I want her to know that the world is a big place and that she can explore all of it, but I also want her to know that she's important enough for me to want to be closer to her. I'm also really looking forward to inhabiting a new space, full of niches and possibilities yet unexplored. Places to perch or explore, and the mobility to do so. And a new school with new possibilities, and hopefully a good theatre department and choir, so that I don't feel compelled to run avoid said ventures like I do here. Anything else on the agenda? Have to wait and see.
In the middle of the night
Head on my pillow
Looking like a littleghost
Seems like all that you gave me mother
Have all gone up in smoke
In the middle of the night
You don't know what I'm thinking
But still the stars just sparkle and shine
Seems like all the time our boat was slowly sinking
You didn't even seem to mind
Now all I want to do is sleep
Now all I want to do is sleep
Now all I want to do, is sleep
god, why the hell am i here? i hate this place so bad right now, i feel like i'm going to go crazy if this semester doesn't end soon. you know, it's amazing. theoretically speaking, the administration of a school should fade pretty much into the background. they're a support mechanism, right? not here. i love the students and professors at chatham, but i destest the administration with every fiber of my being. somehow they manage to suck any enjoyment out of everything here. so not only do i miss california, my family, my friends, and my ocean, but i hate this school on principle as well. they're forcing my favorite professor into retirement, the f*cking "dean of student affairs" (translation: uberbitch) refused to support a really good idea of mine because she doesn't like the internet (it's amazing to me that someone who is probably not even 40 years old yet is completely against using the internet to help people. hello, jump into the f*cking information age. thank you, drive through.) and now the director of residence life is being an uberbitch to one of my friends, screwing her over in oh so many ways. well, f*ck this place. if anyone is reading this on the brink of choosing a college, here is my advice. go to a public college/university. it costs a hell of a lot less, and in most situations it really doesn't matter what college is listed on your degree so long as you've got one. i'm so deep in debt already from this stupid school, i wish someone had told me it was going to be like this, i'd never have come here. ugh, i can't wait to leave. if you're thinking of coming to chatham, RUN AWAY WHILE YOU STILL CAN.
Friday, March 01, 2002
where is the line between strength and vulnerability? are they mutually exclusive? or is being human being vulnerable, and strength being able to remain human after the slings and arrows have struck? say what you will, even when the downs outweigh the ups, it's still preferable to being comfortably numb. there's something comforting about retreating into yourself so far that people can only peer in as if into a well. and sinking is still movement, and after a while you cease to care whether or not it's up or down, or which is which. because eventually, if you're patient, you'll always float to the surface again. and no matter what, as long as keep progressing in some direction, there will always be growth, always be change. every day there is something new to learn, even if it's the art of silence. when did i lose the desire to create sound? why is summer so far away? if i close my eyes long enough i can see myself as an inhabitant of my own head, contained in that section of space that so far only i've been able to inhabit. i wish i had the fortitude of spirit to live without as i live within. would i be a different person? or just more of what i already am? would anyone notice? i feel like an iceburg, and that everyone keeps knowing whats above the surface and ignoring the rest. don't listen to what i say, really hear what i don't. that is the way to know me. it's amazing to me how i've been writing in this blog for almost a full year now and i still feel like there's no way to really break the surface.
took more pictures of myself. isn't there a twelve step program i should be joining? you'd think i had self esteem or something. when i disappear one day, at least there will be a record of my existence here, even if it is all ones and zeros.
oh yeah, and I added some pics to the chatham/campus/pa section. check them out.
The tickets have been purchased for sister Amiekins and OTB to come and visit me in a month and two days. WoooooooFreakingHooooooooo! I am so excited about this. I've been dying for someone from CA to come visit me here since I started school last year, and now I get two in one go. And they'll be here for six days. SIX DAYS!!! Most excellent :)