stacy was here (and probably spinning....): 11/01/2007 - 12/01/2007















Stacy Was Here :
Back at the Beginning

Friday, November 30, 2007

things I'm learning

When a dr gives you pills to help you sleep and says "but you probably won't like them", you should maybe ask why. just sayin'. I looked them up online, and hey, it's used to treat schizophrenia, so I maybe got a little freaked out, and I might have put them away in the back of a cabinet as if they were going to attack me in my sleep. But hey, funny thing, you get a little desperate when you haven't slept more than a half hour at a stretch in over a week and you call the dr and they can't get you in for more than a week. So I took one, yesterday, at 7pm, and I layed down. I was freaked out and afraid, but didn't have a panic attack, which was refreshing, but I wasn't sleeping. so I layed there for like an hour waiting, and I finally fell asleep. When Chris got me up for work, I couldn't get my eyes to focus, and the sleepy-eye thing wasn't going away. two and a half hours later he had to get me from work because I apparently had a high fever, and I still couldn't focus to read, or concentrate, or stop raving about how wet my water was. hmmmm. He brought me home, and I slept more, until 5 pm. so yeah, spent roughly 19 out of 24 hours sleeping. Those little round bastards are going back in the back of the cabinet.

Spinning is really addicting. I was warned about this before I started, so I can't say I didn't know, but Zelda might be glad I knit her a sweater when I start harvesting her fur. She's the softest cat in creation, it would be totally awesome to make a Zelda sweater. (see: reasons my counselor thinks I should stay in therapy.)

The knitters I've met at the stitch n' bitch group I found are awesome. I'm really enjoying making new friends, especially since I can tell all my inappropriate stories about primate genitalia, and they laugh! And thanks to some of their stories, I may never be able to look at a VW bus the same way again. Just sayin'. I hope when we move I'll be able to find a local group and make awesome friends. I haven't had a lot of social interaction lately, and it's something that makes me feel better, when I can get it.

New books mysteriously arrived today. They involve knitting and spinning. Stacy is pleased.

ravelry is pretty much the best thing that ever happened to me.

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posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 11:38 PM   0 comments

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Knitters are totally awesome...

So, through the miracle of
ravelry, I found a local knitting group to commune with. It's called Humboldt Purl n' Hurl, and it's awesome. We meet at a local itallian restaurant, and admittedly do more bitching than stitching, but it's fun... The knitting gives us a common interest, and from there we talk about things all over the spectrum. We learn new techniques from each other, discuss our projects, and last night we were at two separate tables, and my table was just like the ones we had at Chatham, where we ended up laughing really really loud and pounding on the tables. I even got to tell inappropriate primate stories and have them appreciated for all their bawdy glory. It was effing awesome.

I'm now totally addicted to spinning, and I think the cats are afraid for their fur. Which they should be, especially Zelda, who has a sweater to keep her warm and has the softest fur in the world. I've promised her I won't shave her until it at least warms up in the spring.

Speaking of Zelda's sweater, the other cats seem to be almost covetous of it, at least Franny. Franny will look at her like she's jealously thinking "you bitch!" It's crazy, I never thought I would have a cat who would enjoy wearing sweaters. I thought about knitting one for Franny, since she seems to want one, but I'm sure as hell not risking my hands to find out, and Chris won't be talked into it. Zelda was safe, but Franny can get a bit feisty and tends to go all pointy when she doesn't enjoy something. We don't even clip her claws for that reason.

I might be getting a spinning wheel soonishlike! Wheeee!

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posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 11:16 AM   0 comments

Saturday, November 24, 2007

happy and sad

The visit has been great, and I'm desperate for them to stay because I don't want to go back to being horribly lonely again, but it's not fair to them, when my mom has work and my sisters has school, and I'm supposed to be an adult and not need people too much.

I'll post more about everything later, maybe after I have a good cry tomorrow, but some exciting news is that my mum got me a drop spindle and I have started spinning my own yarn! I'm not very good yet, but it'll be a good skill to have if we're going to have alpaca and other fiber animals. Here's what I've done so far:

And, I may perhaps have gotten a bit excited and spun for a bit too long, because now my left hand hurts like hell...

There also may have been some yarn shopping, for possibly a bunch of projects, and this might be a new purse for my mother:

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posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 11:11 PM   3 comments

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

T-minus1.5 days and counting!!!!!

Y'all may not know this, but I am a *freak* for the holidays, like you can't believe. No matter how many bad things happen, or how jaded I may be the rest of the year, I totally buy into the holiday spirit every single year just like I were still 6 years old or something. And this year, I need it so much more than ever. It's restorative, in a way I guess.

As I write this, our Willie Bird turkey is brining in it's apple cider/salt water/allspice and bay leaf brine. It'll soak all night and most of tomorrow in this mixture. The salt help the liquid absorb into the turkey and also helps to make the meat more tender.

Tomorrow night, I'll take it out of the brine and let it rest overnight. Then, on Thursday, we roast it and eat it, which is the bestest part, totally.

My mum and sister will be here on Thursday morning. I am soooo effing excited, like you can't possibly believe. I miss them so bad, I can't even put it into words. It will be bliss if me and Chris can build our house out in NY like we want to, with a little cottage for my mum, and plenty of room if my sister decides to go to college out there and live with us.

Five years from now, I want to have at least one nerd baby. I want to be prepping a turkey in our house, on our own land. I want to go outside and feed the llamas and goats, and give them some special treats. I'll slip some apple slices in for the rabbits. We'll slip some turkey to the cats and to Winston, and maybe some other goodies as well. Chris and my mum can be taking care of little Sophie or Connor. Maybe nerd baby number two will be in the works. Maybe Chris's family will join us there. Who knows what traditions we'll have by then, or who else might be there, or anything like that. The rest, the details, aren't important

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posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 12:52 AM   0 comments

Wednesday, November 14, 2007


posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 9:11 PM   0 comments

Saturday, November 10, 2007


I am 28 today. It doesn't feel any different than 27, and birthdays never do, but maybe this is my new year rather than in January?

Today was better. I had a group project to work on in the morning, and we did it over breakfast at one of my favorite places. Then me and Kita and Diane went to Michael's and got artsy projects. I colored a velvet poster of a dragon with markers all afternoon, and it was awesome. It requires more attention than knitting, so I can't think while I'm doing it, which, as it happens, is a good thing. Maybe I'll go back to painting. We also watched Veggie Tales collection of silly songs, which was awesome too.

After we took Kita home, me, Diane, and Fuzzy went out for dinner. It was nice and relaxing. After dinner we all watched Transformers. I don't care if it's not fine art, I know this, but I love it anyway. Is it wierd that I have an emotional attachment to Bumblebee? Because I do.

I got a little panic attacky after dinner, but thats pretty much par for the course in the evenings for me. Really, it was a nice day.

Oh, and my big accomplishment? Last night I slept without taking any Ambien at all. Thats the first time that's happened in MONTHS. I really hope this new drugs works for me. I don't care whats working as long as something does.

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posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 11:44 PM   0 comments

Friday, November 09, 2007

Today. was. AWFUL.

The reason I'm posting about this day, even though it was embarassing and kind of degrading, is because I think it will be cathartic, and I think it's important to be open and honest about this, not only because of me, but because so few people understand this, and maybe someone out there will feel less alone if I talk about it.

I went in to work this morning, and my stomach was feeling churny and awful the way it does 90% of the time now. This was full day number two of my transition from one psychiatric drug to another. For those who have never taken them, psychiatric drugs need to get into your system for a bit before they start to work, like antibiotics, except that this process can take anywhere from days to weeks. Both of the drugs I'm dealing with are SSRI's - selective seratonin reuptake inhibitors. Seratonin is a neurotransmitter in the brain that is associated with happy, basically. The "reuptake" process is when cells pull seratonin out of the system so it can't bind to the receptors in your brain and make you feel happy constantly. It sounds wierd, but brain chemistry is a delicate balance, and the neurotransmitters help to moderate your response to different situations. With depression, panic disorder, or PTSD (the last two of which I have), the seratonin is off balance somehow. The drugs keep the level of seratonin - the "happy" message - higher than it would be otherwise, to theoretically help you feel better.

When you switch from one drug to another, you take smaller doses of each during the transition time, which makes it tough. There's not enough of the new drug in your system to work yet, and you're weaning off the old drug so that its not as available to your system as it was. That transition time, for me, is not going well. This morning, I wasn't feeling well. The symptoms of a panic attack are like what you would expect of a ManBearPig jumped out and attacked you. It a lot of ways it feels like a heart attack, and a lot of people end up checking themselves into the hospital because thats what they think it is. Your chest feels really tight, think like after you've been having a hard cry for a long time. Your limbs tingle from the flood of adrenaline which, if ManBearPig attacked you, would help you to run away faster. You feel like you can't draw enough breath. And after a while, the adrenaline overworks these systems and makes you feel like crap. In addition, it's incredibly frustrating, tiring, and saps you of mental strength so that anything, absolutely anything, will make you fall apart. Thats what happened to me today.

I was feeling sick, so I asked Chris to bring me in the herbal stuff I got from the local herbalist, which helps and doesn't make me feel as drugged as the "fast-acting" anxiety meds. I asked if he wanted to have lunch at me, and he said he was too busy, which is fine normally, but today it felt like such a huge rejection. I didn't say so, but I was close to tears when he left. I went to my desk to take some of the herbal tincture, and I would up spilling it all over myself. That was it. I was a wreck, and I had to call him back to get me so I could go home and change my clothes. My coworker is the nicest woman on the planet, and she said to take an hour, change, relax, get lunch, and come back. I might have even been okay if we'd stuck to that, but bless her heart she arranged for other people to help her out in the front office so that I could take the rest of the day off. I adore her, she is the cat's pajamas.

Chris and I DID eat lunch together (imagine that, he's more flexible if I tell him how I feel, what a novel concept *facepalm*.) I didn't want to be alone, though, so I went to Diane's and we hung out for a while. While I was out of the house one of my bosses apparently stopped by my house to check on me and I wasn't there, so he called and left a message, which I got later. I then had the worst panic attack ever, I thought he was gonna fire me. I knew I didn't do anything wrong - I didn't go home because I was sick but because I was a wreck and needed to calm down, and being along at home was SOOOOO not a good idea. I was incredibly upset, not to mention sometimes I hyperventilate and feel like I'm going to pass out. I called him back when I got the message, and fortunately he was just checking on me. Have I mentioned that I love the people at my work? I panicked because I feel bad - a lot of the time lately I've been having trouble keeping it together, and sometimes my work suffers because of it. I am incredibly lucky that they are being so patient with me. Compassion is such a rare and precious thing. I was relieved to still have my job, intensely so, but the chest pain from that attack has still not gone completely. I need to sleep, but I'm waiting until a normal night-time hour so that my sleep schedule (har har) doesn't get thrown off.

This is the most difficult struggle I've ever had to deal with, this whole panic disorder/ptst/depression thing. I want more than anything else to go back to normal, to be able to function like I used to. Did I used to be lazy? yes. Did I always function as well as I could have? no. Will I ever take for granted being able to get out of bed without fighting myself? never. not ever. It's so embarassing when you can't even control your emotional response to silly things like spilling something on yourself. It's embarassing to have to admit to the people you work for and with that you just can't handle being at work and being professional right then. It's hard to feel like a ticking time bomb, and it's hard to have people look at you like you might go off at any second. Every day that I wake up and leave my house is a victory, and I don't always get that victory. Even the most patient, compassionate person occasionally looks at you like "why aren't you better yet?" They can't help it if they've never been through this. I didn't understand before, and I've been judgemental in situations like this even without realizing it and without wanting to be. Unless you've been here, it's hard to know how physical this struggle is, how much it degrades your body while it eats away at your soul.

For those readint this who have never suffered with any of these things, please take these things into account when you deal with people who do. I am extremely lucky; the doctors tell me I will get over this, that it probably won't last forever and that one of these days I'll be able to go off the meds and feel normal again. Some people don't ever get that chance, for some people its something they live with forever. They are not lazy, they are not pathetic, they are not making excuses. They're surviving, one day at a time.

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posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 10:14 PM   0 comments

Wednesday, November 07, 2007


posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 9:57 PM   0 comments

now that the tree-staring has worn off....

Once there was a girl named Stacy.

Okay, so Stacy was kind of a dork, maybe, and this picture is from before she lost 40 pounds, but you get the point. Anyway, she went through this major ordeal that made her feel like a crazy person.
Just sayin. Anyway, after a long time, Stacy and her husband, made a huge move across the country to New York State. On her 29th birthday (hinthint!), her husband got her a wonderful English Bulldog puppy, whom she named Winston.

Winston was totally awesome. He liked to wear shoes in the snow, and would spend hours on Stacy's lap, snurfling a bit because of his foldy face, and when she came home every day his whole body would wag because he was so happy to see her.

Once Winston had settled in, Stacy and her uber-friend Tully decided to get them a pair of angora bunnies.
The bunnies were cute, kind of like a giant cotton ball with half a face in the middle of it. Tully and Stacy combed the bunnies every week, and collected their fur to make yarn out of it.

One day, Tully said "I've got it! We can make yarn out of alpacas and goats next!"

And they did. They bought a huge plot of land and filled it with goats and alpacas. They also built a barn, and two big houses that were connected by a rope bridge, because none of these people every fully grew up, but thats ok. They also built a little cottage for Stacy's mum, with a fireplace and everything.

Stacy's sister, Amie, thought she was a nutbag at first for wanting to raise animals. But in the end, even SHE had to admit it was totally awesome.


(p.s., the last picture may also have been taken before I lost 40 lbs. just sayin'.)

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posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 12:50 PM   0 comments

staring at trees

So I went back to the psychiatrist yesterday, because stuff just hasn't been working for me, and something needed to change, and fast, because I sorta felt like I was trying to run a marathon stuck in quicksand. I was trying and trying, and still every day was getting harder and harder to take. So I went in to one of the normal drs, who gave me another prescription for the fast-acting panic attack meds and took me to the front to get an appointment with the shrink. He changed my meds to something thats supposed to be better for panic disorder and PTSD, and so I started switching over last night, taking half of my old meds with half of the new meds. Today I feel sort of weird, like I stare at things a little longer than normal, and I've just been sort of dreamy. It's not bad, except that I doubt whether I'm gonna be able to concentrate on anything today, and my body just feels sort of weak. Not like I can't move or walk or something, but sort of like I don't want to. I'm hoping that I'll feel more normal when the new medicine has properly titrated into my system, because I definitely feel more relaxed, just maybe a little too relaxed in some ways (but even THAT is a huge improvement.) I did okay last night taking half of one of the sleeping pills with one of the fast-acting anxiety things. Wasn't the perfect sleep, but then my normal sleep was never perfect sleep, and at least I got some rest and theres the potential for making the rest of my sleeping pills last longer, and maybe stop taking them entirely, which would be nice. I kind of feel like a human medicine cabinet right now.

It's been really hard lately. I've come to the realization that my anxiety comes from something like this "one of my good friends seemingly lost her mind ----> the mind is such a fragile thing, and none of us saw it coming ------> ergo, how do I know that it won't happen to me? Holy shit, what if it happens to me?!?!?" sort of thing. My mom and Chris both tell me it won't happen to me, that I'm a different person than she was, that I could never hurt anyone.... but obviously her husband laid down next to her every night... if he'd thought for a second this could happen, he would have done something, so obviously he had no clue... what makes them think they'd somehow know if I was going that way? Tully and my mom both pointed out, though, that the first thing I did when this whole thing started was to go into the dr and counselor for help. I guess at least that's something. I'm just so damned tired of feeling defective. I just want to feel like me again.

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posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 10:31 AM   0 comments

Monday, November 05, 2007

Where I've Been...


posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 6:17 PM   0 comments

Sunday, November 04, 2007


Wooly Bear is finished and up on My New Etsy Shop!.

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posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 12:27 PM   0 comments

Saturday, November 03, 2007

This Just In!!!!!

My sister is totally awesome and I miss her.

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posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 3:32 PM   0 comments

Friday, November 02, 2007

Story Time

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 10:06 PM   0 comments

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