I finally got my London journal finished and turned in. I know it's not the best example of my writing, but I left a lot of things out because I didn't really feel like they were appropriate fodder for academia. Who knows, maybe I should have left it all the way it was and just left myself and my musings open for grading, but more and more I'm finding where my boundaries are as far as whats public and whats private. Maybe it's just that I'm used to having these restrictions imposed upon me, and not really having that much say myself. That's probably why a lot of my poetry is so empty and trite... the sentiments I am most comfortable expressing are the ones I don't necessarily feel myself. It's hard for me to make it sound alive because I mentally rebel against attatching emotion to anything tangible that I identify with. I guess there are a lot of reasons why this is coming to my attention now. In Harlem Ren we're reading about Blues Women, and we're presenting certain parts of the book in groups. The section my group is covering discusses how women used the blues to name, and thus master, their hardships. And I've been noticing my tendency to hold back, almost constantly. I am, for the most part, accutely aware of how I feel about everything. Denial is not really a game I play with myself. Still, I rarely express what I am actually thinking. Even when I seem to I'm really just using someone elses vehicle to move around the issue, which essentialy fails because it never approaches the center of things.
I think I'm going to be experiencing a burst of creativity soon, mostly because I can feel it bubbling up inside me. Like today, for some reason, I just really want to sing. Not sing along with something, but really sing, really loud and unreserved. I don't know if I actually will because I don't have a secluded place to do so (and I'm not sure I'm ready for an audience with this, really), but it's a new urge, so it's kind of surprising enough in itself. It just made me think about the things I've written, and how there have only been one or two that I have really made my own, and not just a regurgitation of someone elses ideas. Granted, people don't exist in a vacuum, so it's not really realistic to try and do something no one else has ever done, but I think that by thoroughly investing yourself into something, even if it's bad, at least it becomes yours in the process. So maybe I'll write tonight, or paint, or just do something to scratch the surface and see if I can see to the bottom of this new possibility. Perhaps it's a way to dig my way out of this mental mediocrity and really find something in myself worth sharing.
So here is a post that should, by rights, be dated January 20, 2002.
I've already posted about the side trip me and McQ took to Dublin while we were in London. We were only there for a weekend, but (wow!) what a weekend. I don't even know where to start, and I'm crossing out the really sappy stuff editing this post for gooberness so that it won't induce dry-heaving in my more cynical friends (read: 90% of the people I know.)
We actually went for a multitude of reasons. I've wanted to go to Ireland since I can remember because a good percentage of my ancestors came from there, and McQ had been before and wanted to go again. I'd be full of b.s., however, if I didn't admit that my primary reason for going was to meet up with M.L. We'd been talking online for a while, so the prospect of being in the same timezone and not meeting was pretty well unthinkable.
Finally got there (on a bumpy Aer Lingus flight where the Bailey's flowed like water), and the phones weren't cooperating, so we didn't meet the first night (ok, so I couldn't figure out how to use McQ's calling card... not my finest moment.) The second day I lept into the 1980's and figured out how to make a phone call in a foreign country, so we ended up meeting that night. We got down to the lobby where him and his friend were waiting and I had to fight the urge to grin like a big doofus noted that my mental picture was remarkably accurate. By the way, I'm knicknaming his friend Captain America because of the excellent impression he did of American accents while intoxicated. So we left the Hotel (which I'm knicknaming Fort Chastity because if their ridiculous policy regarding non-registered guests in the rooms.)(ed. note: I'll try and refrain from knicknaming everything... this is just a disgruntled attempt at humor. end ed. note.) Wait, where was I? Oh, right, we left the convent and headed for the streets of Dublin. McQ and Captain America hung back a bit, probably to give M.L. and I a chance to talk a bit, which was excellent of them. We walked down to the river, where I got to see the world famous Dublin Crane (which was breathtaking, by the way.) We made it to the first stop, which was a pub. Not just any pub, mind you, a Russian pub. In Dublin. We went up to the bar because there were no other available seats, and he asked McQ if he could sit next to me, which made me grin like a big doofus smile. We sat and drank and talked and drank some more, and more and more of his friends kept arriving. The pub's upper level opened, so we migrated up one floor and took over a corner before the place filled up. And I mean filled up, too. Like becoming intimate friends with a total stranger type of full. It was great, though. M.L.'s friends are some of the coolest people I've ever met, hands down. Of course, birds of a feather flock together, right?
So McQ got tired at midnight, and no way was I going to call it a night when M.L. hadn't kissed me yet I was still partially sober, so we (M.L. and I) walked her back to the hotel and wished her a good night. We headed back to catch up with his friends again, this time at a different pub, and by now it was down to Captain America and one other guy. We sat at a booth in the corner and just hung out and talked, playing occasional tunes on the bottles.
I'm not going to go into detail about the rest of the evening because it would all be written like this anyway, and because some things aren't for public forum, especially with people finding their way here from creepy search queries and all. Suffice it to say Best. Night. Ever. It's now over a month later and I still miss him so much I ache would really like to see him again some time.
So how about an academic update? I got A-'s on my first two french quizes, Java isn't that daunting yet, and Pre-Calc is officially whooping my ass big time.
Also, it's February, at 2:30 in the morning, and I've got both of my windows thrown open, I'm sitting here in shorts and a t-shirt, and it's still warm in here. Early spring or schizophrenic weather? Hmmmmm....
1. IF YOU COULD BUILD A HOUSE ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE? At the moment, I'd probably be most likely to go for the northern or central California coast...
2. WHAT'S THE MOST MEMORABLE THING YOU HAVE READ? it's hard to say, I've read a lot of memorable things... I really like Mary Stewarts series on the Arthurian Legends, but if you ask me again in five minutes, I'd probably say something different.
3. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING? I tend to layer clothing, but if I had to pick one solitary article of clothing, probably the Cambridge shirt I bought, oddly enough, in Cambridge.
4. FAVORITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX? you mean the ones I notice the most? Probably eyes and hands.
5. WHAT'S THE LAST CD THAT YOU BOUGHT? It's been a while, I usually borrow my friends cd's.
6. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE? There are a lot of paces... on the beach where the water first begins, in the woods when there's no one else around... dark pubs in Dublin... ;)
7. WHERE'S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE PLACE TO BE? pittsburgh
8. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED? I hafta pick just one place? grrrr... shoulders, prolly
9. WHAT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT, STRONG IN MIND OR STRONG IN BODY? mind, definitely
10. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING? depends when my first class is...
11. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW? almost never touch the stuff...
12. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE? heehee... the blender...
13. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE CHILDHOOD MEMORY? driving up hwy 101 all the way to San Francisco with my mom when I was like 8... that was the coolest.
14. WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH? my sister, random acts of fun, inside jokes, "wibble", friends, stupid movies, Denny's conversations at 4am, the Stiva Diva, Phugs, OTB's Zorak impression, great stories, "oh god... dear god...", taking ridiculous pictures, well, lots of stuff really...
15. WHAT MAKES YOU REALLY ANGRY? being misunderstood or underestimated, people who drive like maniacs, driving on LA freeways, stupidity.
16. IF YOU COULD PLAY ANY INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE? I play instruments... if I could play one better, prolly string bass.
17. FAVORITE RESTAURANT/CAFE/EATERY? Alberto's/Molcasalsa... damn I miss Mexican food.
18. IF THERE WAS A MOVIE MADE ABOUT YOU, WHAT HOLLYWOOD STAR WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY YOU? the general consensus seems to be Jeanine Garafalo...
19. DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTERLIFE? yeah
20. FAVORITE CHILDREN'S BOOKS? uhm, Harry Potter, The Phantom Tollbooth, The Ramona books, lotsa stuff....
21. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? home: fall/winter pittsburgh: spring
22. WHAT'S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE SEASON? summer, unless it involves adventures.
23. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE? gonna have to concur with Wendy on this one: "to be anywhere in the world with just a click of my heels..."
24. IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT? thinking about it, but nothing yet.
26. CAN YOU JUGGLE? LoL "no, but timmy-t can."
27. THE SONG YOU WISHED YOU HAD WRITTEN? "imagine" by John Lennon
28. DO YOU PREFER CATS OR DOGS? both, but forced to choose, cats.
30. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DAY? Saturdays
31. FAVORITE SONGS TO SING? anything really... recently "wild horses" by the sundays.
34. WHAT ONE WORD WOULD DESCRIBE YOU BEST? two words: creatively maladjusted.
Boredom + Procrastination + Silly Friends = More F*cking Pictures. 14 to be exact. 9 in the friends and gooberness section, including some shots of Wendy that I am particularly fond of, and 5 of me. As if there weren't already enough pics of me.
Ok, after careful deliberation, I have chosen a knickname for that ever elusive person... It actually stems from something ridiculously cute that M.E. told me the first time she heard the whole story. The knickname is M.L., but I'm not explaining why on the grounds that it may prove beyond the shadow of a doubt how much of a girl I've turned into recently. The only thing I'll give in the way of a hint is that it's a Friends reference. If you can figure it out with that, well, you watch way more TV than me.
The further along I get in the semester, the easier it gets for me to not be miserable. I doubt I'll ever be able to say I like it here again (that was a passing phase from last year), but every day existence is getting less and less excruciating. I think spring is definitely on it's way, and that has something to do with it. It's really kind of odd, when you think about t, but for as much as people distance themselves from natural cycles, spend a year in a place with actual seasons, and you'll really feel how much the seasons effect your state of mind. I never would have believed it before I came here, but it's completely true. When everything is grey, you're on your own to pull up your spirits... there aren't any birds chirping, or any flowers. And then when spring bursts out, it's amazing, color booms out everwhere, and it's like sensory overload. That hasn't happened yet, but it's coming, and I guess I've been here long enough to really feel anticipation for it. I woke up to a light dusting of snow from last night. Snow is nice when it's a nice thick layer, when everything is just blanketed in white and you can see it shimmer. After a while, though, the novelty wears off and I really start yearning for spring. The birds have been coming back within the past week, so that's a good sign :)
So whether it's the weather or not, I'm finding my way back into my comfort zone. I'm not falling into apathy, not by any stretch of the imagination, just a welcome sense of calm about things that have been stressing me out (like, oh, school for instance.) I'm getting ready to make my second cross-country move, which will be a really big change. I'll soon be inhabiting new space, space I've never occupied before (Northern California), with mostly new people (thank Jebus for M.E. going with me), and a whole new set of possibilities (one of which has absolutely nothing to do with the move...) This isn't a time to be running around in a funk or worried about everything. I am good at change, so dammit, I'm going to enjoy this one.
Knowing that I get to see my sister in a little over a month is making me really happy right now... I'll be even more pleased once the ink is dry on the plane tickets, and that should be happening within the next 4-5 days. Her and I just seem to get closer and closer each passing year, and I know that whatever happens, our closeness will remain a constant for the rest of my life. I miss her SOOOO much, and I'm really glad that she'll be able to meet all my friends out here before I leave this place. I can't take all of my friends with me, and the ones I'm leaving behind all want to meet her after hearing all my stories. Wait until they see the truth in my claim that she is a 10 year old version of me. ::insert diabolical laughter here:: I remember when she was six, and I taught her how to say "rectal-cranial inversion." THAT was beautiful. As was the time she made up the Happy Weed song at 5 (and doesn't, to this day, know what exactly happy weed is.) We are gonna have such a blast that week. Add OTB (the worlds largest 5year old), and watch the fun fly. Besides, if I am getting unacceptable levels of OTB, I'm SURE I can find some girl on campus to set him up with, and that will keep him entertained for a while. (let's face it... I attend an all girls college... I'm sure there will be someone on campus chasing after him. I bet I know who, too, and I'll give a hint to all my chatham people. She's got ISSUES. Discuss. And a note to OTB, too... I said she'd prolly chase after you, but not that you're likely to chase back. As a matter of fact, just note that she can't chase after you unless you're running in the other direction. Consider that my pseudo-sisterly advice of the week. You're all excited about the all girls school thing, but believe me when I say that it's not what you think. Besides, if you and Amie are prying me away from my computer, then we have to actually do something fun. I'm thinking that there will be some pond-wading and ice-blocking in our future, muahahahaha.)
BTW, almost ready to blog about that ever elusive thing I keep alluding to. Just need the right knickname (why? because everyone has one...) Hmmmmm....
And now it's time for Really Rockin Horoscopes from the Past:
September 19, 2000
If you were about to graduate, (which in a sense you are) and you handed me your yearbook, this is what I'd write in it: "May you stay as fiercely cute as you are. May the transformations you bravely unleash next in your life be greeted with excitement and curiosity, not fear and resistence. May you think deep thoughts without becoming a pretentious know-it-all. May you stay on really good terms with g-spots, x factors, and the C students who seem to be in charge of running everything. May you never have a cat food jingle running through your head while you make love. Adoringly, Your Secret Admirer."
Ok, now tell me that wasn't the coolest horoscope ever. It was so cool I wrote it down and still have it. Just thought I'd share. Carry on.
Today's been decent. Turns out OTB will be making the journey out here with my sister the first week in April, so WOOHOO to that. It will be nice to have a sister visit and a friend visit all at the same time. I got my sisters Valentine today, also, which was the cutest sweetest thing :) It really brightened my day. Other than that, things have been pretty uneventful in my world, just like always.
So Yay for upswings :) I'm really glad that WotWot is in a somewhat similar boat as me, because I think everyone else is getting sick of my glowing, grinning face becoming a familiar fixture here on campus. Launched into what I am affectionately refering to as "Operation ::insert Beach Boy song title here::". Let the photographs, postcards, and feminine wiles begin. >:)
Speaking of WotWot, she just swan dived off of my loft bed and landed squarely on her head. I'm trying really hard not to find this amusing, but even she is joking about it. It's only a matter of time before her head swells up like beach ball.
And here's where my internal conflict rears it's ugly head. I am bad, *really* bad with words when I seem to need them most, when I should really be expressing myself. The synapses in my brain start firing madly, and a small lump of something gestates somewhere in my throat, and in those moments you could point a gun at my head and it wouldn't phase me because the fear of being vulnerable is the only thing I can feel. I don't base my life on astrology, but to give you any idea of how I experience emotions, I'm a textbook scorpio. In a nutshell, I torture myself with what-if's, and flail wildly between wretched self-doubt and whistful daydreams, all the while knowing full well that reality probably lies somewhere between the two. I think it's because, in general, I pass through life knowing myself really well -- how I feel about things, where I stand in situations, what tomorrow's going to be like -- and things generally flow at a pretty even tempo. I handle disappointment and success well because I usually don't ever really burn for anything. Yeah, if I don't make the Dean's List in any given semester, it irritates me... but I use that irritation to motivate me all the more next time and it doesn't have a chance to really get me down. But it's different when I start to really hope for something. My survival mechanisms are just as strong and adequate for dealing with real disappointment, but since it's a sting I'm rarely in a position to experience, I tend to forget that there isn't really anything I can't handle. So now that I've been yanked from the familiarity of apathy and even-ness, the same old fears and insecurities are surfacing, and I'm being such a goober that it's getting on my nerves. So if I'm not shouting from the mountain tops, dear reader, it's because the words that can't keep up with me are getting stuck in my throat.
So blogspot is down at the moment, and I just added a new background and I can't check to see if it's hideous or not. If you're reading this, let me know in the comments if it sucks or if it should stay... Even you people lurking who read my journal every day and never comment. Yes, YOU. I can see you in my hit and referrer logs.
And now I'm stuck in Intro to Info Systems, where I got 100% on my first Exam. WooHoo. And now it's less than fifteen minutes into class and I'm stuck here :( This really blows.
I started reading Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke. I've read the first four letters so far, and I can't even comment on them yet. There's so much there to digest and internalize, but at the same time I'm reading through it like it might cease to exist at any given second. I'm definitely going to have to read this a couple of times before I can really do it justice.
Just got an excellent Valentines Day card from my mom. Sure it's a bit late, but that's her style, so it wouldn't be the same if it had gotten here on time. It's a really awesome card too... not the best Valentine I recieved this year (that award goes to the other one I recieved, online... what can I say, I'm not real popular, but the ones I did get are pure quality...), but it's excellent from my mom. She doesn't do the whole greeting card thing much, so when I do get one, it's really cool. From what she told me, I should be getting one soon from my sister, too. WooHooo!
So I was talking to my friend JJ the other night during excursion one in the Chatham Van, and she was saying that she just feels sick of waiting for her life to start, and it got me thinking about things. I, too, tend to feel like I'm in constant wait mode, but the more I think about it, the more I think that it's really about constantly having a goal to push for. The quote I posted from Cane talks about how ludicrious it is to want to be happy all the time, and I would tend to agree with that. Anything that is too level or too easy just stagnates and turns to apathy. So it's not that I'm waiting for my life to begin, because that would imply that I have my whole life mapped out before me, and nothing could be further from the truth. I have goals, and dreams, and lately tons of daydreams, and all of them of things that I would like to happen. And once they do come to pass, by then I will have new goals and dreams piling on top of the old ones. I think that life is a constant push upward. And by this time next year, I want to be at Humboldt studying English, and at some point sharing and showing my state with the person who has been monopolizing my attention span for the past few months.
Speaking of which, I'm dying to spill my brain about something I've holding out on for a while now. Why not just go for it? Well, first of all, I don't know if the party this regards would care to be the subject of conversation amongst my small-but-growing number of readers, and second I'm afraid to jinx myself. We'll see...
I just remembered a dream I had the other night... I think it was last night, another night when I was waking up every hour or so for no apparent reason... (that seems to be my new trend.) My mom came home one day and said there was an apartment she wanted to go look at with the possibility of renting, so she took me and my sister along. We got there and it was a huge complex, really nice area (note to self: vaguely reminiscent of where Amie's friend Haley lives... vaguely...), and it seemed a little more pricey than we could afford, but my mom seemed optimistic, as did my sister, so we went walking around trying to find the managers office for more details, and someone (a resident - female) came out and told us that renting there was by invitation only, and that since we weren't invited we had to leave. The employees (all women, for some reason) reiterated this, but weren't quite so rude about it, very polite actually, sort of like Disney employees. We kept on exploring the place anyway, and me and my sister split off and ran into a man living there who took a shining (in an "awe, what a cute kid" sort of way... nothing lecherous) to my sister and was really nice to us, helping us evade capture by the fake plastic employees. He thought it was pretty funny, the whole situation. Eventually we met back up with my mom and left, and that's all I remember. I don't remember why we were moving, what part of CA it was in, or anything even vaguely resembling setup... Interesting that I keep having dreams involving my mom and sister... I wonder if it's because I miss them or because there's some actual issues going on here or something?
In my Harlem Renaissance class we're reading Cane by Jean Toomer, and I found a few passages in there that I like, so here they are:
There is no such thing as happiness. Life bends joy and pain, beauty and ugliness, in such a way that no one may isolate them. No one should want to. Perfect joy, or perfect pain, with no contrasting element to define them, would mean a monotony of consciousness, would mean death. Not happy, Muriel. Say that you have tried to make them create. Say that you have used your own capacity for life to cradle them. To start them upward-flowing. Or if you cant say that you have, then say that you will. My talking to you will make you aware of your power to do so. Say that you will love, that you will give yourself in love-- [sic]
Love is a dry grain in my mouth unless it is wet with kisses.
Still not finished with it, so I'll probably find more. Should be getting the books I ordered on Monday, so Woohoo to that. Also, I'm hoping to get those pictures scanned later today after dinner. No promises, though. Finally managing to get some of my homework done.
Looks like OTB might be able to come out with my sister. I hope so because I don't want her flying out alone, and because I know she adores him, and then he can meet some of my friends out here. Not sure what the likelihood is yet, though, so we'll see.
Oh, and I found another pile of pictures I'm going to scan soon, mostly of my sister and the California coastline. And if you don't already know that those are two of my biggest obsessions, well, read on.
So last night turned out to not suck too bad. See, I had to drive the colleges 15 passenger van to drop people off at the Ballet and then pick them up again. It doesn't sound too bad, except that I hate a) the Chatham Van, b) driving in Pittsburgh, and c) driving anything bigger than my car in the rain. Fortunately it wasn't snowing, or I would have had to bail, not having ever driven in the snow before. So the ride there was stinking awful because of the rain, and the whole trip just made me tense. The trip there and back the second time was awesome because Wendy Lady and JJ went with me, and we listened to dance music really loud and sang and danced around in the car (well, my range of motion was limited because of my driving responsibilities, but when has that ever stopped me before?) We picked everyone up, and the party just got bigger. EVERYONE was eventually dancing around in the car and singing along like mad. It was the coolest van ride ever. So we dropped a few people off and were set to drop everyone else off at the last stop when YMCA came on, so of course it was on by this time. We stopped at the stop and no one got out of the car until the song was over. It was hilarious... Imagine, if you will, six girls from an all womens college in a huge van, dancing around to YMCA. Yeah, I'm a goober, but it was fun, and those students will probably be laughing about it for longer than I will.
I had a semi-strange dream last night. It wasn't one of those wierd/surreal dreams, it was just relatively close to life. It started out with me driving around with my mother and Facade, and he was being a really asshole to me, like openly. Now, I consider him an asshole, but he's never actually been outright rude to me, at least not in a way where you could point at him and accuse him of being a shit on purpose. My mom got pissed at him and had him take us home, only home was on Mills Ave in Whittier, where I've never actually lived, in a duplex that I never actually lived in, even though I lived in a duplex near there. Now I guess this dream was set back when my sister was first born, even though I was in the same perspective as I am now. As in, my sister was a baby in this dream, and in the dream I remember thinking "why is she a baby, she's ten years old?" When we got back, my cousin was babysitting my sister, which is wierd because I doubt my mother would ever have let her babysit Amie, and also because she lives like two hours away. I had to ask where my room was, and while it seemed like a strange question, my mother didn't really take any notice of it. My room was like a den, with no actual bed in it. I went back into the livingroom and Facade was schmoozing up to my mother trying to get her to go live with/marry him, and I got pissed at him, and told my mother in his presence that if she married him she'd only be trading one prison for another, and that he could never actually make her happy. Then he was gone, and she told me that she'd never marry him, that he's only useful for occasional vacation opportunities and getting her out of there a little bit sometimes. And I understood this in the dream even though I didn't agree with it.
The dream makes sense to me, I just don't know what possible relevence it has to me right now. My mom has no plans to ever date Facade again in the future, and why was it set all the way back then, instead of in the present? Could it be because I didn't realize what a shit he was back then when my sister was born? Maybe the situation has finally come full circle and any romantic involvement they have is finally over? Or do I have lingering fears that he is still trying to oust me from the picture? Last night was a wierd night, anyway, I kept waking up every few hours the whole night, and though I know that I dreampt the whole time, this is the only one I remember having, probably because it was one of my lucid dreams. Maybe I should have got the other Jung book I was looking at, about dreams. Anyone reading this ever read anything of Jung's? I've taken a few psych courses and they hardly ever mention him anymore; he seems to have become one of the more marginalized figures in psych theory, probably because the sciences are forever trying to distance themselves from spirituality, and Jung's theories and ideas have a lot of spirituality interwoven into them. Maybe it's because of my choice of faith that I enjoy his ideas so much.
I've finally gotten some of my homework done, but not nearly enough of it. I'm getting better though, and I hope to be pretty much caught up with it by the end of the week. I think it's because this place has gotten so stagnant for me, which makes my mind prone to wander. It happened last year at this time, too, so it's not anything shocking or new to me. I think that's part of the reason that I am so obsessively connected with the ocean, because it has come to symbolize constant renewall and mental overhaul to me. I also just have this urge to be on the move for a bit, to go exploring again, which would be why I have road trip on the brain. For me there is nothing like getting into my car, putting on music, rolling down the windows, and just driving until nothing looks the same as the place you left. That's the main thing I love about California... you can go from the desert to the mountains to the ocean to the redwood forest in one day. In the summer you can go from a place that's 105 degrees to somewhere 75 degrees in the summer, or from somewhere thats 75 degrees to somewhere that 20 degrees in the winter. It's all there. You can get from Los Angeles to Big Sur in 6 hours. If you want to find it, it's there and within a days drive of you, wherever you are. Here I have no car, and therefor no mobility, so I may as well be in a cage. I'm sure I'd like it here more if I could bring my car, but it would still never rival the beauty of my home.
Getting my brain back to school, I got 100% on my first pre-calculus assignment (which I just got back the other day.) Yay me. Maybe I'm not as bad at math as I like to think. I did okay in the math section on the SAT's, which is why if I were content to stay here I wouldn't have to take math at all, I just haven't actually taken math in 5 years, so I'm still a bit rusty. Maybe this will be *ghasp* good for me! Eeep! In my class on web development, me and Wendy Lady are going to collaborate on an extra credit assignment, and make the worst possible web page in the history of the world. We're talking the worst background ever, 3 or 4 midi files playing in the background, massive graphics, flashing gif's, banal content, and colors that haven't seen each other since the late 60's. Heehee... who says I have to always use my powers for good? Our goal is to get featured on webpagesthatsuck.com. Any ideas? Post them in the comments section. Oh yeah, and mystery meat navigation, all the way.
Speaking of Wendy Lady, she has photoshop and way too much time on her hands, so she's making her own version of one of my eye pictures, and putting a little picture of Timmy T in the pupil, heh. See we sort of have this strange affection for Timmy T after viewing all the videos he made back in the 80's, which are now hilarious because they are so unbelievably dated. We gave him the Hideo lifetime achievement award. I'll be sure to post the pic when she's done with it.
With a half hour to kill between classes, here is the friday five...
1. What was the first thing you ever cooked? I grew up baking cakes and pies with my mom.
2. What's your signature dish? Potato Cheese Soup... I make the worlds best potato cheese soup.
3. Ever had a cooking disaster? (tasted like crap, didn't work, etc.) LoL... Millions of times... From pudding that didn't thicken to unrecognizable omelettes...
4. If skill and money were no object, what would make for your dream meal? Hmmmm... probably something involving fillet mignon....
5. What are you doing this weekend? Working... 10:30 am to 10 pm on Saturday, 10:30 am to 5:30 pm on Sunday... yech...
And how am I doing besides? In some respects the best I've ever felt, ever... and in other ways... well, lets just say that this semester can't be over fast enough. I'm sick of cold weather and my mind is a million miles away in both directions anyhow, so I just need to get my body out of here. I talked to the mamma yesterday. She said she could hear the smile on my face, and that's saying something. She's a little skeptical, of course, but she's just looking out for me as usual. Sister Amie scored 190 points out of 100 on her california missions project... Yay ambition and extra credit :) I'll have to consult her before taking my next state-wide road trip. I may be a little biased, but I think I have the smartest 10 year old sister in the world. and she happens to be the coolest, too. I remember once she told me "My friends are dumb... none of them like Depeche Mode." Heehee. Coolest. Sister. Ever. And still nothing further to report on whether or not she'll be visiting me in April, though I really really need her to. It would help me so much just to be able to give her a big bear hug. If any of my friends back home in CA are bored and want to fly out here the first weekend in April so that she doesn't have to fly alone, let me know. I could really use some visitors right now to make this place a little less wretched. M.E. wants to go just as bad as I do. She needs more friends who don't spread unfounded rumors. I think my people back home will just about fit the bill, and I like sharing friends.
Speaking of road trips, I can't wait to be back in my car on Highway 1 again. It's the best stretch of road, ever. On one side of the car are mountains and forest, and on the other side are cliffs that plummet into the ocean. It is the most fiercely beautiful place that I have ever seen, and from the higher places you feel like you could stare straight into forever. I'll never forget driving up that road with my mom and my sister to go camping up at Big Sur. Our campsite had this big deep pool of water and a stream that, if followed in the right direction, would take you deep into the forest and finally to the ocean. No trails, so not too many people around, and mostly unspoiled nature everywhere, the trees covering everything like a canopy, with shards of light penetrating like angelic intervention. And the water so clear and cold. Hiking down over rocks until you finally get to the sand, which seems like walking on clouds by the time you get there, and the crashing waves heralding your arrival. I wonder if Humboldt will even compare to this? From the pictures I've seen it will. I can't wait to go to a school that is half in the redwoods and half on the shore.
This winter seems to be doing really brutal things to my state of mind. It will warm up just enough for plants to start sprouting up, and then a cold spell will come along and the frost will kill it all over again. And this semester is just starting. I still have to be here until mid-May. At least if Sister Amie comes out that will give me something a little closer to look forward to.
Urgh... I have allowed myself to get buried under a mountain of homework... I really hate to do this, but until I can say that I'm done with it, I will not be blogging, so it will probably be a few days until I post again.
still catching my breath,
in this empty room,
I am in stillness.
The phone won't ring,
and there's been no mail,
awful empty silence.
And I am still throbbing.
The blood rushing through me,
and I think of a similar feeling,
from that night.
And I lay there,
with nothing between me and the ceiling
This is not our doorway
or our stairs.
And the touch is not your hands on my face,
or your fingers on my back,
and I throb around the emptiness.
And your voice is fading
from that part of my mind where I'd stored it,
the things you said recorded
I wonder if you can feel me
where you are
(or if you even try.)
My breath and my heart slow down again,
back where they are at rest,
and the void has grown again.
No stone or wind or rain,
just stillness and quiet,
the awful empty quiet.
And the phone wont ring,
and there's been no mail,
as I coat my face in salt,
and I am still sobbing.
I think I have officially gone insane. Here are the classes that I am currently, officially enrolled in, each with the anticipated amount of time required outside of class per week:
Intro to French 2: 2 hours
Harlem Renaissance: 2-3 hours
Intro to Info Systems: 5 hours
Pre-Calculus: 3-4 hours
WebPage Development: 1 hour
Writing Fellows: 5 hours
And now, get this, I'm taking Italian. Not for credit, even, just because I'm a masochist that way. So that's another 2-3 hours per week. Of course, since I'm not getting credits for it, the grade won't count to anyone but me, so if I have to I can drop it, but still. And god help me, but *deep breath* pre-calc is not that bad so far. It's actually turning into a series of small victories as I tackle each assignment and *so far* end up understanding everything. I haven't taken math for 5 years, so it's still new and novel to me. I can see myself getting frusterated with it eventually, but I'll need it to graduate Humboldt anyway, so hells bells, might as well get it over with now.
At the moment I'm doing ok, dealing with things, but I know I need to work on keeping a handle on things. That will probably involve a trip to the dr in the near future, which is possibly the most unpleasant possibility I have ever faced. I hate doctors, and my general plan of action is to avoid them at all costs, but it seems like that may be impossible this time around. I just hope it's not as serious as I'm panicking that it will be. If it is, well, I'll deal with that when the time comes. Until then, I'm going to opperate under the assumption that everything will be ok. I can't do it any other way.
I can feel myself slipping slowly back into apathy about this place. I can't get out of here any sooner than May, really. I know that. And I also know that being miserable isn't necessary, and that being numb is a whole lot easier to handle. I wonder sometimes why I can't seem to feel like I actually belong anywhere. The closest I've ever felt to actual belonging was when I was in Dublin, and that was only for two days, so how can I be sure? Oh, I definitely intend to go back and really explore the city, maybe the rest of Ireland, too, but who knows what will happen. I don't belong in L.A., it's just too crowded and full of everything, and I feel like I'm in constant sensory overload. Whittier is a little better, except that everything around it irritates me, and I hate running into people that I went to school with. I hate the look of recognition without actual understanding. Northern CA is better for me, which is why I'm going to Humboldt. Of course, Northern CA is about as far from the real world as someone can get in CA, which is probably why I like it. And with my career goal of being an English Lit professor, well, it's possible I could avoid mainstream society for a good majority of the time. It's not that I hate people or busy cities, I just don't like living in them... driving distance is close enough.
My sister is supposed to be visiting me here in April, so I'm really hoping that works out ok. She'll be flying by herself, though, so that kind of makes me nervous. I tried to get a few of my friends to fly out here so she wouldn't have to go it alone, but all of them are otherwise engaged, or broke. I desperately want to see her, though, and she's been saving up and looking forward to it so much. Heh, and all my friends are dying to meet her, because I talk about her so much.
Well, I can only procrastinate doing my homework for so long, and I think I just hit the limit...
1. What's the most romantic thing you've ever done for someone else? Hmmmm.. probably the time I wrote someone a love poem... later lived to regret it.
2. [pardon the cosmo question] What are your erogenous zones? Heh... My neck (esp. the back of my neck), my wrists, the inside of my elbows... this is in addition to the obvious places, of course...
3. How old were you the first time you had sex? Care to expound? Still haven't...
4. What's the most unusual place you've ever had sex? See above question... if we're talking any naughtiness, the probably behind the backstop of a baseball diamond in a public park in the middle of the night. LoL... that's not symbolic or anything....
5. Do you have plans for Valentine's Day or is it just another Thursday? Looks like it's just another Thursday like always... unless I decide to wear all black and hand out red gummy worms like I used to. Maybe I'll warm my cold hands by the light of Wendy's glowing face as she beams over her crunchy bars and marmite ;)
Horoscope (by astrocenter.com)
Is something that seemed very desirable to you only a few days ago suddenly appearing to be less so now, dear Scorpio? Doubts might suddenly well up like a monster wave. Reconsider what you previously learned and try to recapture what caused you to believe in this matter. Does it still seem valid? Are your own insecurities obscuring the facts? Or have things really changed? Think about all this before deciding on a course of action. You'll be glad you did.
So for the moment it looks like my Writing Fellows assignment for the semester is going to be a class on Arthurian Legends. WoooHoooo! This is terminally cool, also because the prof in that class is my french prof, whom I get along with really well. Him and I were discussing the possibility of my assignment, and we started talking about different texts and stuff, so I let him borrow my copy of The Crystal Cave by Mary Stewart (Best. Book. Ever.) It sounds like it's going to be a really great class to be involved in. Not that I'd be going there every day or anything, mostly just helping out with papers and such, but I could be more involved in a class where I had this sort of interest.
I got my schedule change forms turned in so I'm officially Painting and Ballet free. I think I would have gotten fusterated in Painting anyway, as I'm not an art major and not particularly interested in color theory, which is what the first third of the semester seems to be dedicated to. I can feel a project of some sort brewing in my head, and I have some pieces of cardboard that I just may employ to that purpose. Also I'm hoping to make a collage out of some of the paper crap that I accumulated in the UK, so who knows what'll happen. I think that, having taken the art course I took last semester, I'm equipped to do stuff on my own for a while. Maybe next year I'll take another art course.
So M.E. has been having similar slumps as me. I think we both need to just get the hell out of Dodge. All in all Pittsburgh isn't really a bad city. They've got lot's of cultural stuff to do, lots of cool places to see spectacular views and everything, but it's definitely not the place for me. I almost have a sort of claustrophobia here. Sitting on the beach for me is like sitting at the edge of the known universe and looking into the face of infinite possibilities. It is space, promise, and vast expanses of both life and solitude. I'm sure all this seems really assinine to most, if not all of the people reading this.
I got to talk to my sister yesterday, which was nice except for the knot in my throat when she told me how much she misses me. I feel like I'm missing so much of the important things in her life, and it's tearing me up inside. I missed her tenth birthday, for fuck sake. There are so many milestones at her age, and here I am, three timezones away, and I'm missing all of them. And there's no way I'll be able to get that time back, either... it just keeps on slipping away from me, irretrievably. And what really sucks is that I know that my mom isn't the same with her as she was with me. They're together all the time between dance and everything, and my mom, having no real time to herself, is now easily frustrated and sometimes prone to taking it out on my sister. And my sister is sensitive and sometimes needy, which just makes things more difficult. I just wish my mom could enjoy her more without all the stress, because I can tell the effect it has on them both. It's like we're all stuck in this hellish trapped state, unable to effect change at the moment. At least if I'm in the state of California there's a possibility for us all to escape once in a while.
Ok, so my schedule is changing, as of tomorrow. I'm going to be dropping Painting 1 because there is no way in hell that I can afford to buy all the materials I'm going to need... it's just not at all possible. I'm also dropping Ballet because I know I'll just end up skipping it a lot like last time. Besides, I know Miss Audrey will let me go even if I'm not enrolled, so this way I can do it stress free. On the plus side, I'm going to get into a 1-unit web-development course, which will be painfully easy, but has a section on graphics, which I probably could stand to sit through. I think it will be easier for me with less credits... I mean, I'm enrolled in 18 credits right now, and as soon as I add the independant study for Writing Fellows it would be 20 credits, and I think I need to take it a little easier this semester, what with learning Java and Pre-Calc.
All in all things are looking up here. I'm still waiting on that letter from Humboldt, but I can't really worry about that at the moment because I have no control over it. Likewise with other things that I am waiting to hear about. And I *finally* have my own room, which is nice because I just crave my own space. It's no substitute for being home where my car is, but it's ok for now. Of course, I don't really have it to myself because Wendy-Lady is effectively living in my closet (heh... not that I mind, she's fun to have around.) It's crazy I guess, but I really crave my car at the moment. I crave the mobility it allows, the spontenaity. When I'm here I feel so stuck, like I can't get out no matter what, and that's the worst thing of all.
oh, and ::note to self; don't call mom when you're already depressed; end note to self::
I am sinking into one of those abysmal pits that I slip into from time to time... only this time it's different. See, for the past, oh, six or seven years, maybe longer, my heart has been effectively dormant. hibernating. maybe even dead, I don't know. In some ways it was good. I could move through the world and through life without many cuts and bruises, and everything stayed on a pretty level frequency. Yeah, it was lonely sometimes, but there are always books to curl up with, music to live through, and someone with a story to make me shine vicariously. And then I was roused from my slumber, made to live again. I was thrown into the mix, and glowed all on my own, without reflecting the light of anothers glory. And for one brief, wonderful point in time I understood what I'd been missing, what was possible. It was beautiful and wonderful and then it was gone, but not without promise.
And now, separated by time and space, I am wracked with self-doubt and fear. Fear that maybe it was all a dream that crept up while I slept. Self-doubt that maybe I read too much into things. Fear that things will go back to the way they were before, or something even worse.
WoooHoooo! I just finished my first pre-calculus assignment, and I did good. I know this because I checked the answers in the back of the book (well, the ones that were there, anyway.) I'm starting to think this class may just be survivable, even passable. Who knows, maybe it will even be good for me, since it's something I haven't done in a while.
1. Have you ever had braces? Any other teeth trauma? I had to have a wisdom tooth removed a few years ago, and they didn't pub me under, just used a local anesthetic... well, first they had to dig around with the needle to find the nerve, and then the dentist went off and by the time he came back the shot had worn off, so he had to give me another one. Then, midway through the removal of my tooth, he leans over to one of the interns and says "it doesn't look like that in the text books, now, does it?" I'm dead fecking serious. I wanted to cry.
2. Ever broken any bones? Nope, just sprained things repeatedly.
3. Ever had stitches? Yup, on my head, actually. It was kind of funny because I laugh when I'm in pain, so I was already in histerics at having busted my head open, and then when the dr gave me a shot of novacaine, I started cracking up again. Poor guy prolly thought I was nuts.
4. What are the stories behind some of your [physical] scars? I have a scar on one of my knees from falling down on the black-top when I was a kid...
5. How do you plan to spend your weekend? Hmmmm... prolly try to make sense of my pre-calc assignment (ugh) and finish up the journal for my London project. If I have time after that, I suppose I should finish unpacking all my shit in my new room.
Just got out of my French class, which, despite last years debacle, is the next level up. I was feeling a little nervous about it just because last time had been such an ordeal, but the professor this time around couldn't be more different than the one I had last time. He's laid back, he jokes around, and he doesn't give you the Death Look if you say something incorrectly. He's even *ghasp* patient! I'm thinking it might actually be fun this time around, especially since I now understand better the aim of the course. They're not trying to teach me grammar rules and perfect spelling just yet. Right now we're focused on learning to speak. Kind of like when I was a kid learning english. Speak first, and then write... hmmmm... This will be interesting at any rate. And he's promised not to be too much of a stickler for spelling, which is good because last year our teacher didn't even cover spelling at all. I am pleased with this class so far.
Next class today is The Harlem Renaissance, which I so far have mixed feelings about, having looked at the syllabus. There's a writing journal involved. blegh. Writing Journal no make Stacy happy. Of course, according to the assignment the recommendation is only like 2-3 pages per week, double spaced, which isn't too bad, it just means I have to actually be somewhat consistent. I hate being consistent in school. I like doing really well in the begining and then slacking off later, only to have a marathon cram session at the end. It's just how I opperate. Of course, we only have one paper, 6-8 pages, and one group project, so maybe it won't be too bad. We'll see. I'm still a die-hard fan of Langston Hughes, and he's in damn near every book (of 7! 7 freaking books for one class... *mutters*.) I'll know better after I actually go whether or not I'm going to like this class.
So I feel like a dumbass about the whole pre-calc thing. The school fecked up and gave most of us the wrong room number, so about 12 of us were in the wrong classroom. So yeah, my attempt at math is off to a running start, and I'm stuck behind the finish line. I already have a freaking homework assignment. Lets hope I can find a way to not suck terribly at this. I'm really starting to get worried about it. I was looking at the pre-req's in the intro chapter, which, by the way, is 57 pages long(!), and I don't remember how to do half of it, and the prof has already skipped the whole damn thing. So now we're on chapter one and I'm just really hoping that I can pass this class with a decent grade. Not real confident so far.
So I gave up on the photo album and just posted links to the photos themselves, they're over there on the left in the nav bar. I'll be posting more, probably soon since it seems I've not got the mental fortitude to do my homework at the moment.