You know, it's amazing the kind of catharsis that can come on when you're least expecting it. Normally I feel these moments coming on for some time, and I can generally sense what they're going to be about, but this is different.

Me and my mom went to the Renaissance Faire yesterday and had our tarot cards read. One of the comments the woman made was that I tend to gravitate to people in need to try and help them. This is nothing new to me, but it got me thinking. Maybe my relationships with some people are fucked up because I seek out people who I feel need me in some capacity. Maybe I'm intimidated by those who seem too self sufficient? My grandmother is the type who gets pissed off when she doesn't feel like people need her, she gets depressed. Depression, as I've learned in the past week, runs in my family, and even I can reflect on times where it loomed over me as well. If this is a pattern in my life, I need to recognize it now so that I can avoid it in the future.

Me and my mom talked a lot yesterday, and she said that I still have her on a parental pedestal, and I suppose that's also true. In talking with my grandmother today, though, I realized how true this is. My mother would do anything for me or for my sister, and the only time I ever doubt this is when she is with Facade. I really thought I'd be ok with them dating again, and as long as she's happy, I am, to a certain extent. But I deffinately feel like this man is willing to tell her anything to stay high in her esteem. He tells her how proud he is of me, but pride insinuates that he's involved, and he is not involved in my life. Part of the reason he didn't marry my mother when she got pregnant with my sister was because he didn't want to be involved in my life, and, most importantly, did not want to be involved in the cost of my education. Now he tells her that he wants to go to my graduation in three years if it's ok with her. What if it's not ok with me? Apparently, as far as I'm concerned, support to him means being my cheerleader, but not really supporting me in any way that makes any difference. Maybe that end of it is just my neurosis with the whole situation, but as long as I live I will never forget walking in on him and my mom arguing, and her yelling at him that the only reason he wouldn't marry her was that he didn't want to support me. The other thing that bothers me is that she claims that they're not excluding my sister from anything, but when we spent the weekend out at his house, they (especially him) refused to leave his bedroom unlocked, making my sister feel like she couldn't get to them if she needed to. This may not seem like a really big deal, but to my sister it is. She is a very needy, very clingy, and very sensitive child, and that really cut her deep. He wasn't even sensitive to her feelings about it at all, he just had the damn "let her deal with it" attitude, and I'm sorry, but that doesn't work with my sister. She resents him because she feels like he is invading her territory, and he's not doing anything to make it easier on her. *long, venting sigh* Sometimes I really, truly detest him.

Back to the tarot reading, from the cards it seems likely that I'll get to do my graduate study in the UK. When she had me draw two cards from a seperate deck, I got the Star (for the second time in the reading) and the World. Hopefully it will happen, because I get the feeling that I'm rapidly losing my place here, and since I don't like Pittsburgh, the time will come quickly for me to explore other possible nitches to fit into.