So now that I have a few moments for self-reflection....

I can never seem to figure out how I feel about myself within the confines of this collegiate atmosphere... In some ways I feel good, because I've been able to overcome my demons just to make it here in the first place. I did not allow myself to fall through the cracks again this time. I will be back next year, even though I nearly gave in to procrastination. At other times I feel like I've lost so much time by not going to college right away. I am 2+ years older than most of the people in my class. Granted, I have a much stronger perspective on what I want to accomplish and where I'm going, but still I wonder if I missed something by not attending right out of high school. Would I have burned out? I will never know. At any rate, I'm here now, I'm doing well, and that's all I can really know for sure.

Speaking of where I am going, I've been lazily perusing the websites for a few of the graduate schools I am looking at. This is probably premature of me, seeing as grad school is about three years off, but hopefully it will keep me aware of the standards I have to exceed. I would really like to go to grad school somewhere in the UK. Aside from meeting the rigid standards of the schools I am considering, it seems that funding will also be an issue, as I can't get the normal funding that would be available to me here in the US.

I can feel my mind starting to switch back into California mode. I find it fascinating that here, I am more active without actually going anywhere, whereas at home I am more lethargic while still participating in more social activities. I'm hoping not to fall into a rut of car co-dependency again. My car is my key to freedom, to exploration, to long, deep conversations with my best friends with no particular destination in mind. At the same time, I've lost weight since I got back, and I don't intend to find it at home. I don't want the hills at my school to seem as formidable to me upon my return as they did when I first got here. I'm getting restless, though, and I know I can only be satisfied by a long excursion throughout my stomping grounds along the California coastline. I know it sounds silly, but being so far from the ocean for so long makes me feel claustrophobic. The ocean is my escape, my way of knowing that the world is bigger than the congested cities and destructive habitation of humans. It is my connection to the earth, unbound.

Besides that, I could really go for some good mexican food, right about now.

SkyWanderer, one of my best and oldest friends in all the world (whose method of identity concealment I am hereafter stealing,) told me the other day that he misses our long, meandering drives. I think that's what really got me to thinking about home again, aside from talking to him and Sings with her Spirit on the phone. I need to reexplore my friends. Talking online is so cold and without expression, that it just leaves me something to be desired. I miss the openness of my friends back home. We've known each other forever, and so we know each others history and constitution. Part of the reason I went away to school to begin with was that I wanted to see who I would be without their influence, and now I see the huge folly in that. Best friends are not the people you never fight with, or the people you talk to every day, or who always always have a kind word for you. They are the people who push you to become a better person, regardless of whether or not the words are the kindest. They are the people you find the dizzying heights of life with, and who pick you up when you start to plummet to the lowest lows. Most of all, they are the ones who never get bored during 4 hour drives on random tuesdays, because the discussions are great, and the hours pass quickly.