stacy was here (and probably spinning....)

 

 

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Stacy Was Here :
Back at the Beginning

Friday, December 27, 2002

well, I got through to my dad, and it looks like I'll be going over there tomorrow to visit. I'm not sure how I feel about this... he sounded really excited on the phone, but I wonder if he's so excited to see me then why hasn't he tried to call me or anything since the last time I went over there? it's been almost five years now since the last time I was over there. I know he's probably never going to be the dad I've wanted him to be, but what I don't know is how much I'm willing to compromise to make him part of my life. maybe it sounds selfish, but he's hurt me so much so many times. to be honest, I probably wouldn't be going to visit if I didn't really really want to see my brothers. I'm just worried that they'll hate me for not seeing them for so long. I think Joey might understand the easiest, because he's the oldest (17), but on the other hand he knew me better than the other two because he was older, so it's hard to say. he might feel more hurt or rejected than the other two. the youngest one is the same age as my sister, so he might not even remember me that much. I feel like an ass for not seeing them more, because maybe it makes me as bad as my father, but it's so hard for me to be around him, I just hope they can understand that the main reason I've kept my life so separate was because I don't feel like I can trust him. and in some ways I feel like I have to make peace with this whole situation so that I can get on with my life and not let it weigh on me so much as it always has, but it's really hard because the whole thing wounds me down to my bones. so yeah, I'm a little messed up on this, we'll see what happens.

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 6:07 PM   0 comments

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