stacy was here (and probably spinning....)

 

 

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Stacy Was Here :
Back at the Beginning

Wednesday, June 20, 2001

Not to sound like a whiner or a constant crabby bitch, but things in my life have taken a serious turn for the worse.

I fully recognize and own up to the fact that I detest Facade. His voice still makes my flesh crawl, and the thought of him with his hands on my mother frankly makes me want to vomit. I detest the fact that he has lied to me, my mother, and my sister in the past, and the fact that I feel he is lying even now. About everything. I detest that one day in the psychologists office, while my sister was in there with the Dr, he sat behind my mother and proceeded to grope her, nibble on her ear, and otherwise molest her right in front of me. I detest the fact that he claims to be proud of me when I think that he's the one who passed up any opportunity he had for a cordial relationship with me. I detest him for dangling financial security and a nice lake-side house in front of my mothers nose like a damn carrot when he knows that she loathes living here with my grandmother.

And at the moment, I resent my mother. I resent her for disregarding my fears about my future as part of this nuclear family. I resent her for insinuating that all of this is in my head. I resent her for standing up for him when she knows that I have very good reasons for fealing this way about him. I resent her for leaving to his house for the majority of this week when she knows it will probably be the only chance me and her have to hang out by ourselves for the whole summer, when I know damn well she will be telling me how much she misses me when I go back to Pittsburgh. I resent her for saying "lets worry about that when the time comes" when I'm worried about that now. I resent her for making my sister feel alienated, whether or not her feelings are 'justified', because she is 9 years old, and right, wrong or indifferent, that is exactly how she feels. I resent her because I feel like I have to make a choice between shouldering depression myself, or inflicting it on her. I resent her because I feel abandoned.

They are toying with the idea of my mom and sister moving down to Facade's house. He has a 3 bedroom house that I do not feel welcome in. Right now he lives there with his 35 year old daughter and a boarder who rents a room. If my mom and sister move in, my sister would get the boarders room. I don't know where this leaves me, and when I ask my mom, she says "lets worry about that when the time comes." But I am worried about it now. I worry about this because I feel like my mother doesn't. Sure, if I come home next summer I could stay with my aunt. I could stay with my uncle and my grandmother. I could probably even stay with friends. I don't want to, but I could. I'm 21 right now, and maybe I don't have a right to put these expectations on my mother, but she promised me that no matter where she goes I will always have a place with her when I need it. I even believe she means it, because she's never broken a promise to me before. And Mike has promised her that I will always be welcome in his house. But I don't trust what he tells me, and I sure as hell don't trust what he says to her. And right now I don't trust in her ability to tell the difference between truth and lies when it comes to him.

And even now I can feel the effect that all of this is having on me. No matter how early I go to bed, I can't seem to get myself to wake up before noon. It's getting harder and harder to convince myself to go out and do things. Anything. I haven't driven my car in nearly a week. I haven't seen any of my friends in that long, either. And I haven't made any more attempts to find a job since Thursday. My biggest achievement today was taking the damn dog for a walk. At least he appreciates me. I can't even get myself to pay attention to my friends when I do call them on the phone. I feel like here is the last place on the earth I want to be, and the second to last place I'd want to be is back in Pittsburgh. What sucks the worst about this is that me and my mom were at the closest we have ever been in my entire life. Were.

I'd love to be able to just pass this off as me being paranoid, jealous, or just plain unable to get over the past, but it's not. My uncle and my grandmother have both expressed the same distrust of Facade, and of my mother. My uncle said that he can see the beginings of irreparable damage to my mothers relationship with my sister, and my grandmother said that right now she distrusts my mother so much that if anything happens to my uncle, she will leave the house to me, because she knows that I will take care of my sister.

I just don't know if I can deal with this right now. I haven't been this hurt by my mother since I was a teenager, only now it feels worse because I don't have the denial, or as many means of rebellion. And on top of it all, I feel a tremendous guilt for feeling this way. She's happier than she's been in a long time, how can I tell her all this? Either she won't even listen to me, or she'll be as hurt as I feel right now, and I don't think I can do that to her.

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 12:44 AM   0 comments

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