stacy was here (and probably spinning....)















Stacy Was Here :
Back at the Beginning

Thursday, April 10, 2003

I really think I have seasonal affective disorder. I know this is kind of coming out of left field and all, but I think that if you go through and read my blog for the last two years, I am generally stable spring, summer, and early fall, and once the colder weather hits and all that, I start to take a turn for the more eeyore like behavior that I've come to dread in myself. At any rate, it's spring now, and in general I'm feeling better about life than I have since I first got here, so I'm going to ride the upswing and talk about the last few semesters in terms of the good stuff... growth, progress, those things that are hard when you're going through them but really surprising and sometimes inspiring when you look back on them.

so, change is scary to me. it's big and mean, and in this case it's felt really isolating. it doesn't help that I'm in a relatively remote area far from the majority of my friends and all of my family. and I rebelled so much against meeting new people, but I finally gave that up about a month or so ago, and you know what? this place is full of really cool people, and so many different kinds of people, that it seems ridiculous for me to sequester myself away and cling to what was a year ago. for a while I was thinking of going back to Chatham, but the more I think about it the more I think that that would be impossible. there are so many options here, for conversation with random people, for classes, for offbeat activities and the like, that I think going back to Chatham would be like voluntarily crawling back into a cage. the limits on me here are the ones I've put on myself. maybe now that I realize that I can start branching out a bit more.

over the last year, I've somehow lost the apathy regarding my grades and my academic development that I used to have. I'm turning into a big nerd, it's true, and I'm sure it's offputting to a lot of people that I get so excited about learning, but I feel like this is how I should have been all along. I am so excited about this biology minor, I hope it all works out right and that I can really do it the way I've mapped out, without a lot of drama with scheduling. I'm encountering a lot of science department snobbery ("an english major wants to take heavy science classes? pshaw, go back to your literary analysis, Shakespeare Girl.") from some of the faculty, but if anything this makes me want to do it and do it well even more. I know I can do this, even if I have to bust my ass at it. And other students, especially a lot of the female friends I've been making, many of whom are in the sciences, have been really supportive of me, and that really helps. All of this is still developing, of course, so more on it as it happens. For now, lets just say that I've become excited about my education again, not just about graduating with a little piece of paper that says that I'm in an ass-load of debt a college graduate.

Speaking of female friends, I was just thinking about this, and I think it was going to Chatham that taught me how to be friends with girls. In my pre-Chatham era, most of my friends were guys. That changed when I got there, and I have mostly female friends now (most of which are agonizingly far away *cough*Wendy*cough*Megan*cough*Amanda*cough*Victoria*cough* [and no, that list is not intended to be comprehensive, those are the ones with the weblogs I read on a daily basis, lol].) And now that I've returned to the coed universe, I'm still making mostly female friends, which is just fine with me. Some of my new friends are guys, but I think all I really need is my already-existing male friends *cough*Steve*cough*Patrick*cough*. Not sure what practical application this has on my existence in general, but I just happened to notice it. Yay, stream of consciousness.

I'm learning, slowly and almost imperceptibly to anyone but me, to be more comfortable with myself, and to be able to bring up What I Want out of life and out of situations, which is something I don't think I'd have been able to do in those situations before. I mean, I'm like anyone else. Sometimes What I Want is reasonable and perfectly natural for any rational human being, and sometimes What I Want is about as likely as freeing Tibet and about as rational as a this stupid war with Iraq, but the point is that I can assert what I want, whether or not I end up getting it, because everyone has a right to do this. Yes.

Can you tell the Psych of Women class has taken a hold of me lately? Michelles right, maybe it is affecting me, LoL.

Anyway, the Mamma and the Sister are getting here, most likely tomorrow afternoon, I hope I hope I hope I hope I hope, and I can't wait to see them and hug them and hang out with them and get the hell off campus and out of my room for a while, and hug them again, and hang out with them and go adventuring with them and and and... stuff :)

Posting will prolly be light until next week sometime, although I wouldn't stake my life on it.

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 12:40 PM   0 comments


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