I finally caved in and did it, two weeks ago. I went to the student health center and asked for help. Fortunately I got a Dr. who recognized that I didn't need to talk about it with the people upstairs (who have been functionally useless to me on a few occasions in the past.) She put me on antidepressants to help with the anxiety attacks so that I can hopefully get a handle on things. When I left the health center, I just cried for an hour. I felt like a failure, like I am malfunctioning or something. I still feel that way every day when I take the damn pills, and I know it's ridiculous, I know it's just a medication like any other, but I still can't help it. But the medication is starting to work, in it's way. I felt so unlike myself for the first week, I kept getting manic and just felt like I was being guided by some foreign thing, but it's starting to even out. I don't feel really good, exactly, but when I freak out it's more purely mental, not such a physical ordeal. I feel less out of control, less like a chicken with it's head cut off.

I've also decided to withdraw from my chemistry class. I'm not exactly pleased with myself over this one, either, but I think it's the best option for me right now. I need more time to mentally relax, less pressure, the ability to slow down a little. I still feel like a failure even though I know it's the right thing to do for my health right now. My expectations aren't easy to appease.

3 weeks to go until Thanksgiving break, then not much longer till Christmas and the visit from my mom and sister and (hopefully) Arnold. I just need to hold out until then and next semester will be better.