Stacy Was Here : Back at the Beginning

stacy was here (and probably spinning....): 11/01/2008 - 12/01/2008

eye

Stacy Was Here :
Back at the Beginning

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

blah-zay

I've been feeling my perrenial ache to do something profound, but it's just not there at the moment. My brain is scattered in a million tiny pieces, and more than anything I want to do something that means something, but it just seems like I plod along without any real inspiration. Somehow, I suspect the fault is mine. Not necessarily by general defect, but perhaps through a sense of self preservation the flood gates remain unopened.

It's surreal, really, to see someone you've known for thirteen years being tried for three counts of first degree murder. It's an intense mental conflict, sitting there, listening to the horrifying details of the thing she did while I remember the fun times we shared, the conversations and the memories. Silly to say, but it reminds me a bit of Harry Potter, the part where they say that killing someone rends your soul into pieces. I wonder, sometimes, if the person I knew ever really existed, or if it was always just the monster in there biding it's time. Can a good person and a monster coexist within the same being? Or is it like a point on a number line; a little round dot left in place to denote where the friend ceased to exist and gave way to the monster? What is that little point, then? What is the transition? I suppose if I knew that, I'd know an awful lot indeed.

My dad is hanging in there, but it's hard to see him so sick and in so much pain. Pray for him, please, if you do that sort of thing.

Labels: creativity, history, life

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 10:09 PM 0 comments

Thursday, November 13, 2008

long time no see

I'm not sure if anyones even checking this, it's been so long since I updated... Sorry about that, imaginary audience, but I need to write to maintain the delusions that support my fragile ego, and an imaginary audience will have to do....

Life has been interesting in the last few months... We got an apartment and I'm working and things are just sort of there. They aren't awful, they aren't inspiring or wonderful. I get up every day, I go to work, I come home and read or watch TV or not. I'm just sort of existing.

I've never been good at just existing. Is anyone? It seems like people must be, because I don't suppose everyone can be excited and fulfilled all of the time. I wonder if that would get tiring eventually, too?

My dad is back in the hospital again, and I'm tired of climbing the walls while my stomach eats away at itself, so I'm going home for a while, like a month, I think. It's conflicting, because I'll be far from my husband, but it's good for pretty much every other reason besides that. I miss my family like crazy, and I need a break from here, because things aren't clicking for me and I need to feel alive again. Mostly I'm excited to get away from my shadow. I don't think I've been alone for months now, and that always degrades ones sensibilities, no?

I've been getting ready to apply for grad school. I planned to apply this year to start next fall, but with everything going on with my dad I decided not to push it. This way I'll have more time to study for the GRE's (not to mention taking the biology subject test), as well as writing better quality essays and all of that. I might be applying to Cambridge, though I've no idea what my chances of success are. There's a war going on inside me about which version of my life and my self I want to pursue. I'm not sure which one will win, or whether there's some way to make both of them into one complete me. The only thing I'm sure of is that I miss learning, and I miss having hope that something better is in the works for me. I think if I don't go to grad school I will wither and die like a consumptive poet.

I kind of need something spectacular to happen. Don't get me wrong, I'm willing to work on behalf of said spectacular thing, I'm not one of those people who waits to win the lottery without ever playing, but if things could work out in my favor just a little, or if I could get a bit of decisive luck one way or the other to make my path a little clearer, I think it would be easier. Anything is better than stagnation; nothing has ever been so devestating to my happiness.

On the plus side, I think my issues with anxiety and with PTSD have passed. I haven't had a panic attack since before we left California, and I'm feeling strong and in control of myself. I was so afraid for so long that I'd never get back to a place of control and stability, and it's a huge relief. I may not know what's coming next for me, but at least I feel like I have the strength to confront it head-on.

Well, anyway, enough soul-searching (read: self-important rambling) for me. At any rate, homeward I go, so call me if you're still reading this, in the southern california area, and want to hang out.

Labels: goals, life

posted by Cat Named Eggroll @ 7:50 PM 2 comments

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