I'm not sure if anyones even checking this, it's been so long since I updated... Sorry about that, imaginary audience, but I need to write to maintain the delusions that support my fragile ego, and an imaginary audience will have to do....
Life has been interesting in the last few months... We got an apartment and I'm working and things are just sort of there. They aren't awful, they aren't inspiring or wonderful. I get up every day, I go to work, I come home and read or watch TV or not. I'm just sort of existing.
I've never been good at just existing. Is anyone? It seems like people must be, because I don't suppose everyone can be excited and fulfilled all
of the time. I wonder if that would get tiring eventually, too?
My dad is back in the hospital again, and I'm tired of climbing the walls while my stomach eats away at itself, so I'm going home for a while, like a month, I think. It's conflicting, because I'll be far from my husband, but it's good for pretty much every other reason besides that. I miss my family like crazy, and I need a break from here, because things aren't clicking for me and I need to feel alive again. Mostly I'm excited to get away from my shadow. I don't think I've been alone for months now, and that always degrades ones sensibilities, no?
I've been getting ready to apply for grad school. I planned to apply this year to start next fall, but with everything going on with my dad I decided not to push it. This way I'll have more time to study for the GRE's (not to mention taking the biology subject test), as well as writing better quality essays and all of that. I might be applying to Cambridge, though I've no idea what my chances of success are. There's a war going on inside me about which version of my life and my self I want to pursue. I'm not sure which one will win, or whether there's some way to make both of them into one complete me. The only thing I'm sure of is that I miss learning, and I miss having hope that something better is in the works for me. I think if I don't go to grad school I will wither and die like a consumptive poet.
I kind of need something spectacular to happen. Don't get me wrong, I'm willing to work on behalf of said spectacular thing, I'm not one of those people who waits to win the lottery without ever playing, but if things could work out in my favor just a little, or if I could get a bit of decisive luck one way or the other to make my path a little clearer, I think it would be easier. Anything is better than stagnation; nothing has ever been so devestating to my happiness.
On the plus side, I think my issues with anxiety and with PTSD have passed. I haven't had a panic attack since before we left California, and I'm feeling strong and in control of myself. I was so afraid for so long that I'd never get back to a place of control and stability, and it's a huge relief. I may not know what's coming next for me, but at least I feel like I have the strength to confront it head-on.
Well, anyway, enough soul-searching (read: self-important rambling) for me. At any rate, homeward I go, so call me if you're still reading this, in the southern california area, and want to hang out.
Labels: goals, life