stacy was here (and probably spinning....): 07/01/2001 - 08/01/2001
Stacy Was Here :
Back at the Beginning
Monday, July 30, 2001
Nothing much has happened lately. Still no job, but I've pretty much given up on that one, seeing as I go back to school in a few weeks, no thanks to those wretches in the financial aid department who can't understand why I have a problem with them. Oh well, let them accumulate bad karma. I have the documentation to back up my complaints, it just happens to be in a storage facility in Pittsburgh right now.
Thinks have been ok besides that. The psychologist has stopped talking to me about myself or my family - now when I get in there, we talk psych theory and other academic stuff. It's kind of refreshing to talk to someone that educated. Not that I consider myself smarter than anyone, because I'm not. It just seems that, with a few admitted exceptions (you know who you are) I am more dedicated to the prospect of education than most of my friends and family. Sometimes when I talk to my mom, I get the feeling that she's intimidated by me in that arena, and it bothers me because I do have a lot of respect for her. Her education was limited because of inadequate spelling and grammar curriculum when she was young. Added to that is the fact that her family moved around a lot, so she was in a different school nearly every year. And besides, if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have the opportunities that I do now. She's the one who always pushed me to do my best in school. Hell, if I would have listened to her, I would have been valedictorian of my senior class.
I've been working on this new story... not sure where its going, exactly... maybe it will turn into something worth sharing, or maybe it will just be a good psychological exercise for me, not sure which just yet.
You know the oddest thing about my relationship with my mother? In actuality, we are very close, and very much alike. And so usually when we fight like this, it's because both of us are feeling very similar things. Kudos to the shrink for helping us to notice that again. Things are worked out, and as usual, me and mummy are closer than before. But we're not out of the woods. This whole relationship thing is going to be some bitch work, and the general consensus is that I need to take him one day at a time, and try not to think about all the shit he's done in the past.
I'll have to post more later, my sister needs to use the phone.
Well, since I'm being harassed by all my friends I suppose I'd better post and just appease them.
Things have plummeted from bad to worse. Me and Facade got into it on the fourth because he is an absolute moron. He expected me to leave my 9 year old sister alone in a crowd of drunken strangers to go look for his directionally-challenged, brainless self. He didn't say this in front of my mother, of course. To her he'll only sing my praises, the lousy vomitous, festering postule on the posterior of humanity. I'd like to send him on a trip to the bermuda triangle. Me and my mother aren't speaking at all because she overheard me talking to my uncle about her. So lets examine this. She won't hear a damn word I'm saying about the situation, but I can't talk to anyone else about it, so apparently I'm supposed to keep it all to myself and ignore it. Great plan, mom, you gonna pay for my therapy for the rest of my life when it starts to manifest as clinical depression? You are the weakest link. Goodbye.
I've decided I'm not going on the "family" vacation. If this is the way it's going to be, I'm officially resigning from my position as her daughter. I'm giving her what she wants, I'm giving Facade what he wants. I'm getting out of their damn nuclear family, and they can live in a delusionary paradise all by themselves until my sister starts rebelling by starting fires and stealing money. Then when she gets older and detests the both of them, they can cuddle together (and by cuddle I mean molest one another as always) and wonder where they went wrong. By then I'll be teaching somewhere in the UK, my sister will have moved out to join me, and we can mend each others wounds since all our worries now all on deaf ears. Facade can rot in his own self-made prison, and so can my mother. She doesn't love him, and he doesn't love her, they're simply doing what they both do best: using each other.
Now that that little nugget of joy is out, I'm really worried about my Grandmother Mc'O. She has to go in for a risky procedure on Monday, and there's the chance she mightn't make it through the anesthesia. I'm crossing my fingers and pleading with the powers that be that she makes it through ok. I'm not ready to lose another relative. Not yet.
I've decided that if I can't find a job in the next few weeks, I'm just going to volunteer my time somewhere. I'm sick of sitting around all day, and I'd rather put my time to use doing good for people instead of feeling sorry for myself. Besides, it will look good on resumes and such. Hopefully I'll get a job though, and then I can do both.
confidential to Sky Wanderer: Listen to Mettie!!! He knows what he's talking about.
I meditated tonight for the first time, officially, and I had some rather interesting results. I think I'm a little afraid of exploring any powers/abilities I may have. Right now they're perfectly innocent, but I get the feeling they're really bigger than me. Well, eventually I've gotta face the music, right?
confidential to Sings with her Spirit: I'm not avoiding you because you are christian or because you work at your church. Stop jumping to conclusions about things without even confronting me, that's the cowards way out. Frankly I need time to myself, for a lot of reasons, none of which stem from your spirituality. I haven't seen much of anyone lately, so it's not just you.
Well, either I've been filling my life up with other things, or the brunt of the family madness is behind me, at least for now.
After a moving adventure on Saturday in which I was the driver of a massive U-Haul beast with Sky Wanderer and the Crown as my co-pilots, let me say that I will never rent another ANYTHING from U-Haul. Negative anecdotes of their ineptitude abound.
I'm currently deliriously happy because I finally got the confirmation that I made it into the London trip!!! WOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Right now it feels like that is the only place I'd really like to be, but January will be soon enough, I suppose. And THIS time it will be legal for me to patronize the local pubs. Confidential to Sky Wanderer: I'll shy away from the GuinASS.
I've recently started a more experiential approach course to the craft, and so far it's yielding spectacular results, as far as I'm concerned. I think my problem has been that I've approached it in a far too academic way, and so I've been lacking in the actual process knowledge that is sooooo necessary. I need to cultivate my inner strengths in this arena and put them to work, instead of taking the academics stuffy position that everything worth knowing can be found in a book. In this case, it has thus far left me cold.
I can tell from the way I've been devouring books lately that my solid state of mind has come back to me once more. It feels good to drown in a fantasy world by reading. It's deliciously like spell craft, in a way, because your mind surrounds you in velvety images that you can almost touch.
SC has started to stand up for herself, in small ways, and with great trepidation. This was completely accidental. The current Bane of her existence overheard a conversation that wasn't meant to be overheard, and patches were necessary. Perhaps by patching eventually the entire fabric can be mended.
The plans are set for my yearly family vacation, though much to my chagrin, it appears Facade will be joining us. I don't want him to go, my sister doesn't want him to go... only my mother. My mom said that if me and Amie both bring friends, then she'll be alone. That is complete and total bullshit. Even when we do invite friends, we do everything as one big group, we do not take off and leave anyone alone. And I know that my mom is looking for a replacement for my Aunt Fran, but Facade will NEVER fill that position. Besides, I'm really not looking forward to him groping her all week in front of me and my sister. The man is a lecherous pig.