It's been a long time since I've been this sick. This is significant, because I've been making myself sick from anxiety for a while now, and the real sick still whoops the anxiety sicks ass so hard that I sorta feel like my mental issues are tiny compared to, oh, I dunno, say.... a virus and a bunch of nasty-ass bacteria. I'm going to teach my class tonight. I had planned to go to class this morning, but when I got up my face was swollen again and I still felt like someone had bashed me in the face with a frying pan. My equillibrium is off because when I blow a metric ton of snot out of my head my ears pop painfully and it throws everything out of wack. You know in Drop Dead Fred where someone hits him and he bounces all over the place? It feels just like that. It's as repulsive as when me and Chris got that really naaaasty stomach bug and were losing from both ends at once. You wouldn't think anything could be as bad as that, but this is.
I am so effing tired of being sick, and of being stuck at home. It's weird how you can fade back and forth, in and out of yourself. I feel like I'm at a crossroads, a serious, completely ambivalent meeting of two totally disparate sides of myself. There's the part of me that is like, ok, lets move to NY like Chris wants and have kids and settle down and just be grownups. I mean, really, there's nothing preventing me from putting school aside, getting a normal job like any normal person with a bachelors degree. People do it all the time, it's not like a failure or anything to not keep going farther. Then there's the other side of me, the one that wants to do the peace corps and get a PhD in Anthro, teach, poke dead people with sticks, move to Europe at some point, live out in the wider world and try to do something just generally more spectacular with myself.
And even just saying that feels really arrogant. There's nothing wrong with just having a family and a normal job. The world is made up of people who make that decision, and they're not settling for anything less than, maybe they're even getting way more out of life than the people who go out and explore the whole world. Maybe you don't even really have to choose, maybe you can do all of it, you just have to push yourself harder and not compromise, maybe you just do the harder thing (whatever that is) and you fit the rest in somehow.
And part of me is petrified to move to NY. Every year I've talked to Chris about going to visit his family, every single year, and we look at our finances, and every year it's not possible. When his dad said that him and Chris' younger sister wouldn't be coming to the wedding, I was devestated because I wanted so badly to meet them, but then he said they'd come to see us after, so I felt okay with that. Then the trip just didn't happen, time just went by and plans weren't made and I've met a grand total of seven people, three of whom are his friends, two of whom are significant others, only two of which are his family. Family is so important to me, I call my mom every day, we have an insanely close relationships, and when I knew he was coming to meet me I made him drive with me in a car for twelve hours both way just so he could meet my mom and sister. I knew I couldn't date anyone who didn't get along with those two people, becuase I love them too much to have a relationship with anyone that could potentially cause a riff between us. I want so badly to feel like I'm a part of his family too, and I just don't. I feel like we're on some stupid island isolated from everyone. It's stupid, we're already married, and I still live with the constant fear that his family won't like me or accept me. I can't imagine agreeing to move out there, especially with the idea of children looming, when he'll be the only one I really know at all.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I feel more secure with the idea of moving to a developing Eastern European nation for two years that I do with just moving to NY without knowing what everyone with think of me.