I finally caved in and did it, two weeks ago. I went to the student health center and asked for help. Fortunately I got a Dr. who recognized that I didn't need to talk about it with the people upstairs (who have been functionally useless to me on a few occasions in the past.) She put me on antidepressants to help with the anxiety attacks so that I can hopefully get a handle on things. When I left the health center, I just cried for an hour. I felt like a failure, like I am malfunctioning or something. I still feel that way every day when I take the damn pills, and I know it's ridiculous, I know it's just a medication like any other, but I still can't help it. But the medication is starting to work, in it's way. I felt so unlike myself for the first week, I kept getting manic and just felt like I was being guided by some foreign thing, but it's starting to even out. I don't feel really good, exactly, but when I freak out it's more purely mental, not such a physical ordeal. I feel less out of control, less like a chicken with it's head cut off.

I've also decided to withdraw from my chemistry class. I'm not exactly pleased with myself over this one, either, but I think it's the best option for me right now. I need more time to mentally relax, less pressure, the ability to slow down a little. I still feel like a failure even though I know it's the right thing to do for my health right now. My expectations aren't easy to appease.

3 weeks to go until Thanksgiving break, then not much longer till Christmas and the visit from my mom and sister and (hopefully) Arnold. I just need to hold out until then and next semester will be better.

Time to prioritize, seeing as how I've been having panic attacks and just generally feeling like I'm going to run screaming for the hills any minute now.

Things that I need to focus on right now:
*studying for anal chem, genetics, forensic anthro.
*doing my work in small, manageable increments so that I'm not trying to blast through several chapters all at the same time.
*keeping up on things so that I don't feel like I'm at the bottom of a hole that is getting deeper all the time.
*giving myself permission to not be perfect, to take time for myself, to take care of myself.
*being healthier, mentally and physically.
*enjoying mentoring.

Things to focus on soonishlike:
*filling out peace corps application. I'm setting myself a deadline of October 20th. (note: need to find resume, contact Chatham and HSU re: what loans do I have out.)
*getting ready for Christmastime family visit.
*think about schedule for next semester. need to find good balance between not wasting time and not killing myself slowly. think good classes would include evolutionary medicine, Diane's intercultural communication class, maybe a psych class, and maybe MAYBE genetics lab.

Things to focus on not now, maybe a little farther down the road:
*is peace corps right decision for us?
*what do I want to do in grad school?
*do I even want to go to grad school?
*what kind of job might I enjoy that would also allow me to support my family?
*what are my goals in life?
*what can I reasonably expect from myself?

In honor of Michelle, who always helped me make decisions by making lists of pros and cons, I am making a list of the pros and cons of going into the peace corps.

Pros:
*Get to spend two years in another country, could potentially be awesome.
*Learn a new language, one not commonly known. Could then use said language to talk shit on people with dear husband.
*Gain valuable problem solving skills, learn to deal with challenges and nothing ever scary again.
*Opportunity to travel, meet interesting people, see several countries during vacation and weekends and stuff.
*Get more experience teaching something, earn teaching credential, be elligible for grad school fellowships.
*Have time to evaluate what I want to do for grad school while not wasting time or being idle.
*Chance to become more active member of the world, learn to operate outside sphere of comfort.
*Learning language makes it easier to emmigrate places.
*Have awesome stories to tell, maybe write book.
*Get to skip around ruins and play Indiana Jones with geeky aspiring archeologist husband.
*Do something no one in my family has ever done, learn to live in another country vastly different from the US.

Cons:
*Two years far from family, toilet seat covers, and mexican food.
*Have to leave our kitties behind, both for their safety and because of the rules.
*Valuable skills gained from washing clothes in bucket, dodgy electricity, possible lack of flushing toilets.

It has finally happened. After nearly seven years of being in school, I am officially burnt out. Every day I get nauseous at the idea of going to class, of studying, of doing homework. Even though these are the best classes I've taken since I started on my road as a bio major, even though my life is exactly what I thought I wanted, it just makes me tired and worn out being in school. Am I too old for this?

So now for the whoa part. Chris and I are thinking about joining the peace corps. I think it would be awesome, really good for us, to go to another country, learn a new language, get tons of awesome life experiences and become a more active part of the global community. For nearly a decade I've wanted to do something like this, leave the US and get a little perspective on things. Chris isn't so sure about it as me, which is turning out to be a difficult bridge to cross, but the compromise we've come to at present is that we're going to apply, get all the information, and then make our final decision when we see what they have to offer us. I will only go if he becomes as happy with the idea as I am. I will not get my way just to see him be unhappy for two years. But I really really want to go.

One of the other things we're talking about is moving out to NY state one of these days. It took forever, because he's gotten so set on just going with my plans that I literally had to force him to tell me what he wants, but he finally admitted that he would like to go back near his home and life there. I've never been there, so I don't know what it's like at all, but if it will make him happy we will do it. Lord knows he's made enough sacrifices to be with me, and really the only thing tying me to CA is my family, and I only see them a couple times a year. We could still visit if me and him live in NY state, and seeing as we've talked about moving as far away as Scotland, well, NY is a little more accessible to them anyway. Plus I have friends out east, friends I wouldn't mind seeing more than once every five years.

About school.... who knows. In any case I think I need to take time off and evaluate what I want to do. At this point it could be genetics, it could be science writing, it could be forensic anthropology. In a way, I find myself chafing against the rigidity of biology as a major. It could be chemistry that I'm really burnt out on, but in any case I need to find out for sure before I commit myself to a masters program. Maybe I could find a forensic science masters program? I think my brain needs a rest. Usually, science majors aren't squeezing in just science classes, normally it's a mix of science and general ed and other classes that don't make you want to claw your eyes out of your head. The pressure is just really taking a toll on my health, mentally and physically.