It's PTSD, apparently. I am now medicated and things are getting okay.
Stacy Was Here :
Sunday, September 23, 2007
It's PTSD, apparently. I am now medicated and things are getting okay.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
For the first time in my life, I am in a depression that I cannot control. It feels like falling into an abyss, and I'm scared in a totally ambivalent way. I don't want to be me anymore, but I don't know what else to be, either. I just know that it's total agony to live inside my skin. Nothing makes me happy, everything feels like work, even just getting out of bed every morning. The only thing I look forward to is going to sleep every night, but I can't even do that anymore without pills.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Thursday, September 13, 2007
1. Go to http://www.careercruising.com/.
2. Put in Username: nycareers, Password: landmark.
3. Take their "Career Matchmaker" questions.
4. Post the top ten results.
1) Director of Photography (could do this)
2) Set Designer (ditto)
3) Professor (bing bing bing, we have a winner!)
4) Costume Designer (sounds like fun)
5) Website Designer (shoot me in the head)
6) ESL Teacher (only speak English)
7) Foreign Language Instructor (see above)
8) Special Effects Technician (meet my coworker, Amanda)
9) Desktop Publisher (wait, Amanda.... are we the same person?)
10) Lobbyist (I believe this is the Shiftless Layabout of which you spoke)
11) Computer Trainer (so wait, you train computers? as long as I don't have to train people...)
12) Cartoonist / Comic Illustrator (sigh... if only I could draw)
13) Animator (see above)
14) Criminologist (why isn't this higher on the list? Oh, right, because poking dead people wasn't an option. stupid quiz.)
15) Actor (could do that)
16) Fashion Designer (because everyone envies my fashion sense.)
17) Director (could do that)
18) Multimedia Developer (eh... maybe)
19) Anthropologist (uhm, hi? see number three :) )
20) Casting Director (nah... I can't deal with crying people)
21) Computer Animator (no way, not patient enough)
22) Comedian (lol... Amanda, this is getting creepy)
23) Artist (still can't draw)
24) Graphic Designer (no)
25) Political Aide (this is like indentured servitude, only worse.)
26) Activist (ugh, no way.... nothing is worse than trying to convince people to care about shit.)
27) Critic (I already do this, every day)
28) Musician (huzzah!)
29) Public Policy Analyst (zzzzzZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz)
30) Communications Specialist (eh)
31) Market Research Analyst (kill me first)
32) Print Journalist (used to be interested, but at the moment I sort of equate journalism with heartless swine.)
33) Writer (on the weekends)
34) Truck Driver (this is my "if I drop out of society" career)
35) Composer (mebbe in another lifetime)
36) Translator (I'd be to tempted to change everything people said...)
37) Medical Illustrator (again with the I don't draw)
38) Industrial Designer (nope)
39) Interior Designer (could see it.)
40) Video Game Developer (lol... well, my husband would be a good game tester....)
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Someone please come visit me, I feel completely alone :'(
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
When I was an insufferable, goth teenager, I used to intentionally inflate my hardships to envelope myself in a cloud of woe that would be enviable to any emo kid today. It was such decadence, really, to wallow in self pity and mentally rally against the injustices of my self-focused world.
And now, for maybe the first time in my life, I'm stuck in a mire of real, true despair, and I feel like I'm sinking into it without any hope of escape. I'm tired of being me right now. I want to leave myself here and take off on a carefree trip to Europe or something.
Monday, September 03, 2007
This struggle is so much more bizarre than I can ever accurately describe. At some moments, it feels so overwhelming, like life can never possibly be the same as it was before. It feels like I know something horrible about humanity, like a profound disillusionment, not because of what happened with my friends so much as because of they way people respond to it.
Everyone out there seems in a rush to devour the story and pronounce their opinion on it. I have had so many people tell me their opinions about it, analyzing it like they know anything at all about her when they never spent a single second around her. "I don't buy into the insanity defense for anyone. It's a total crock." Really? Well, WTF do you know? No one EVER thinks this kind of thing can happen with their friends, and she was the last person I would have ever believed could end up in this situation, and she still is. People say she didn't talk to her neighbors much like that means anything. I almost never talk to my neighbors. Even brain surgeons have huge gaps in their knowledge of the human brain, so you'll excuse me if I don't take the laymans opinion to heart.
Sometimes it's totally unreal like it didn't even happen. I wonder if it's the minds way of keeping you from going down with the tragedy? It's like I get a break sometimes, times when it doesn't impose too much on my consciousness. Part of that is because I've been keeping myself busy with school and work. It's hard to know how to go about the grieving process. It feels like we should all be sequestered off somewhere, together, and just give in to the agony and the confusion. Like how can I go about my normal life when this has happened? How can any of us just keep on going like the world is still what it was a month ago? But even when I try to focus on it and acknowledge my feelings, I can't sustain it forever or it feels like I'm going to lose my mind.
I finally got some sleeping pills, so I've been able to sleep without the tortuous nightmares. It's helping a lot, the headaches have gone away, I'm less bitchy than I was, and I feel almost normal sometimes. For the most part, everyone is being very patient and supportive, and I feel like I am on the right path for going on with my life, but even in that I feel guilty. How do you compromise between grieving appropriately and not sacrificing yourself in the process?
I crave people more than I ever have before. If anyone out there wants to visit me, now is really the opportune moment.
Saturday, September 01, 2007
posted an entry, only to realize I'd said too much, and erased it all for fear of the vulture press publishing my words in some twisted, misappropriated form.
haven't been sleeping. went through ordeal to get affordable sleeping pills. I hope the insomnia goes away in seven days or less.
school has started. so much to do, so little time or mental energy. busy and tired. just want to get on top of things.
wish I could take a vacation and leave myself at home. I feel like this experience has aged me decades, if not centuries. there is nothing so terrifying as the knowledge of the fragility of the human mind.
there are times when I can't stop going, and times when I can't do anything but stare off into space, my mind in no way connected to my body, nor willing to function on mundane things. how can anything be important anymore, least of all the day to day things that we rely on for steadiness.
I feel lost.