stacy was here (and probably spinning....): 06/01/2001 - 07/01/2001
Stacy Was Here :
Back at the Beginning
Wednesday, June 27, 2001
So much for the upswing, I guess. This whole situation has sunk to a new low, and I'm starting to realize that my mom really is a user, more than I would admit before.
SC is being a doormat, as usual. She really needs to stand up for herself and let everyone know whats up, I'm tired of listening to her vent and then watching her not do anything about her situation. It's getting to the point of frusterating.
The Weakest Link is likewise getting on my nerves. Though I've been trying to limit my exposure to him, he keeps forcing his way into my schedule, and subjecting me to hour-long rants about things that should have been put behind him years ago. Why do people like Weakest Link carry crap around like that? Why do they make me listen to it.
I went out with Sings with her Spirit the other day. We went down to the beach with my sister. It was nice, a little escape from the doldrums, you might say.
I also went out with Fire and Ice the other day. I've missed her tons and tons. She is the one person I really truly spiritually connect with out here, aside from maybe my sister. She needs to get out of here so bad. Hopefully she'll find her wings.
Confidential to Sky Wanderer: You are my cornerstone. Without you I'd be no more than a pile of rocks right now.
Confidential to the Crown: Turn off the damn away messages and talk to me, dammit!
Things are starting to look up. I went to Facades house overnight with my mother, and things weren't awful, though to a point I still felt a bit unwelcome, though it seemed to me later that that was my own paranoia this time. At the psychologists office on Thursday my mom and Facade painted everything to be hunky dory, but I got a chance to chat with the Dr. alone, and I basically poured it all out, or as much as I could pour out before the visit is over. He wants to talk to me alone again next week, so hopefully I have a better grip on things and be able to wrap it up better. I've also grabbed control of my mini-downward spiral, I have recommenced my job search, turned in 2 applications, ran some errands for my mom, and called my financial aid office to check on things. I've gone out with Sings with her Spirit, and me and her are hanging out again today. Depression DOES run in my family, but fortunately I know myself well enough to recognize it coming from a ways off, and it seems I can usually nip it in the bud before it takes too heavy of a toll on me. Right now I'm taking life a day at time, but I will not lose sight of my goals and where I want to go. More later, Sings with her Spirit is IMing me impatiently. We have fun to create.
Not to sound like a whiner or a constant crabby bitch, but things in my life have taken a serious turn for the worse.
I fully recognize and own up to the fact that I detest Facade. His voice still makes my flesh crawl, and the thought of him with his hands on my mother frankly makes me want to vomit. I detest the fact that he has lied to me, my mother, and my sister in the past, and the fact that I feel he is lying even now. About everything. I detest that one day in the psychologists office, while my sister was in there with the Dr, he sat behind my mother and proceeded to grope her, nibble on her ear, and otherwise molest her right in front of me. I detest the fact that he claims to be proud of me when I think that he's the one who passed up any opportunity he had for a cordial relationship with me. I detest him for dangling financial security and a nice lake-side house in front of my mothers nose like a damn carrot when he knows that she loathes living here with my grandmother.
And at the moment, I resent my mother. I resent her for disregarding my fears about my future as part of this nuclear family. I resent her for insinuating that all of this is in my head. I resent her for standing up for him when she knows that I have very good reasons for fealing this way about him. I resent her for leaving to his house for the majority of this week when she knows it will probably be the only chance me and her have to hang out by ourselves for the whole summer, when I know damn well she will be telling me how much she misses me when I go back to Pittsburgh. I resent her for saying "lets worry about that when the time comes" when I'm worried about that now. I resent her for making my sister feel alienated, whether or not her feelings are 'justified', because she is 9 years old, and right, wrong or indifferent, that is exactly how she feels. I resent her because I feel like I have to make a choice between shouldering depression myself, or inflicting it on her. I resent her because I feel abandoned.
They are toying with the idea of my mom and sister moving down to Facade's house. He has a 3 bedroom house that I do not feel welcome in. Right now he lives there with his 35 year old daughter and a boarder who rents a room. If my mom and sister move in, my sister would get the boarders room. I don't know where this leaves me, and when I ask my mom, she says "lets worry about that when the time comes." But I am worried about it now. I worry about this because I feel like my mother doesn't. Sure, if I come home next summer I could stay with my aunt. I could stay with my uncle and my grandmother. I could probably even stay with friends. I don't want to, but I could. I'm 21 right now, and maybe I don't have a right to put these expectations on my mother, but she promised me that no matter where she goes I will always have a place with her when I need it. I even believe she means it, because she's never broken a promise to me before. And Mike has promised her that I will always be welcome in his house. But I don't trust what he tells me, and I sure as hell don't trust what he says to her. And right now I don't trust in her ability to tell the difference between truth and lies when it comes to him.
And even now I can feel the effect that all of this is having on me. No matter how early I go to bed, I can't seem to get myself to wake up before noon. It's getting harder and harder to convince myself to go out and do things. Anything. I haven't driven my car in nearly a week. I haven't seen any of my friends in that long, either. And I haven't made any more attempts to find a job since Thursday. My biggest achievement today was taking the damn dog for a walk. At least he appreciates me. I can't even get myself to pay attention to my friends when I do call them on the phone. I feel like here is the last place on the earth I want to be, and the second to last place I'd want to be is back in Pittsburgh. What sucks the worst about this is that me and my mom were at the closest we have ever been in my entire life. Were.
I'd love to be able to just pass this off as me being paranoid, jealous, or just plain unable to get over the past, but it's not. My uncle and my grandmother have both expressed the same distrust of Facade, and of my mother. My uncle said that he can see the beginings of irreparable damage to my mothers relationship with my sister, and my grandmother said that right now she distrusts my mother so much that if anything happens to my uncle, she will leave the house to me, because she knows that I will take care of my sister.
I just don't know if I can deal with this right now. I haven't been this hurt by my mother since I was a teenager, only now it feels worse because I don't have the denial, or as many means of rebellion. And on top of it all, I feel a tremendous guilt for feeling this way. She's happier than she's been in a long time, how can I tell her all this? Either she won't even listen to me, or she'll be as hurt as I feel right now, and I don't think I can do that to her.
You know, it's amazing the kind of catharsis that can come on when you're least expecting it. Normally I feel these moments coming on for some time, and I can generally sense what they're going to be about, but this is different.
Me and my mom went to the Renaissance Faire yesterday and had our tarot cards read. One of the comments the woman made was that I tend to gravitate to people in need to try and help them. This is nothing new to me, but it got me thinking. Maybe my relationships with some people are fucked up because I seek out people who I feel need me in some capacity. Maybe I'm intimidated by those who seem too self sufficient? My grandmother is the type who gets pissed off when she doesn't feel like people need her, she gets depressed. Depression, as I've learned in the past week, runs in my family, and even I can reflect on times where it loomed over me as well. If this is a pattern in my life, I need to recognize it now so that I can avoid it in the future.
Me and my mom talked a lot yesterday, and she said that I still have her on a parental pedestal, and I suppose that's also true. In talking with my grandmother today, though, I realized how true this is. My mother would do anything for me or for my sister, and the only time I ever doubt this is when she is with Facade. I really thought I'd be ok with them dating again, and as long as she's happy, I am, to a certain extent. But I deffinately feel like this man is willing to tell her anything to stay high in her esteem. He tells her how proud he is of me, but pride insinuates that he's involved, and he is not involved in my life. Part of the reason he didn't marry my mother when she got pregnant with my sister was because he didn't want to be involved in my life, and, most importantly, did not want to be involved in the cost of my education. Now he tells her that he wants to go to my graduation in three years if it's ok with her. What if it's not ok with me? Apparently, as far as I'm concerned, support to him means being my cheerleader, but not really supporting me in any way that makes any difference. Maybe that end of it is just my neurosis with the whole situation, but as long as I live I will never forget walking in on him and my mom arguing, and her yelling at him that the only reason he wouldn't marry her was that he didn't want to support me. The other thing that bothers me is that she claims that they're not excluding my sister from anything, but when we spent the weekend out at his house, they (especially him) refused to leave his bedroom unlocked, making my sister feel like she couldn't get to them if she needed to. This may not seem like a really big deal, but to my sister it is. She is a very needy, very clingy, and very sensitive child, and that really cut her deep. He wasn't even sensitive to her feelings about it at all, he just had the damn "let her deal with it" attitude, and I'm sorry, but that doesn't work with my sister. She resents him because she feels like he is invading her territory, and he's not doing anything to make it easier on her. *long, venting sigh* Sometimes I really, truly detest him.
Back to the tarot reading, from the cards it seems likely that I'll get to do my graduate study in the UK. When she had me draw two cards from a seperate deck, I got the Star (for the second time in the reading) and the World. Hopefully it will happen, because I get the feeling that I'm rapidly losing my place here, and since I don't like Pittsburgh, the time will come quickly for me to explore other possible nitches to fit into.
I am loathe to admit this, but I've had internet since the day after my last post and just haven't blogged in all this time because I haven't really felt like it. I'm not sure anyone actually even reads this, but for the sake of argument I'll just assume that anyone has noticed, and to that person I make the confession that I've simply not been as enamoured with the internet now that I am home and have a mode of transportation that does not deteriorate the soles of my shoes.
As a matter of fact, the only thing thats really had any vast presence in my thoughts is the prospect of attending grad school in the UK somewhere. To be perfectly plain, even I'm not sure why I am so fond of this particular region. My uncle believes that I was King Arthur in a past life. Whether this is true or no, I can't help but admit that my level of affinity for so distant a country is a bit unusual at best. The prospect of visiting there in January is making me near giddy even now, and I hate to admit it, but I'm actually a bit afraid that I'll be assigned the trip to Italy. My friends have pointed out to me that one of my school mates (who happens to enjoy making my flesh crawl with irritation) might be going on the London trip, but I honestly don't care. Even she could not possibly ruin it for me, because I fully intend to pretend that she doesn't exist at all, and to throw myself into the city. And if I can achieve my goal of going to grad school there, I know it will be wonderful. I love damn near everything about the culture of the brittish isles: the comedy, the arts, the wit, and most of all the importance put on education. It will be challenging, competitive, and maybe even nerve-wracking, but above all it will be the one thing that I've never found in the United States: a school that actually gives me a run for my money. All my life school has been mildly time consuming at best. The school I attend now is the nearest I've found to actual difficulty. Granted, I put more into my studies than I ever have before, and I'm not at a 4.0, that I'll admit. But I spend significantly less time studying than most of my peers, and I'm on the Deans List anyway. This isn't really a bad thing, I'm sure it would be similar at any school in the nation. If I really applied myself next semester, and performed up to my abilities, I would have a 4.0, without question. The only thing that would change this would be to change my focus to something science or math related, but as English is my passion, thats simply not going to happen. I want to go to school in the UK because I know it would present a challenge to me, a challenge which I would enjoy conquering. I know how arrogant this sounds of me, but it really isn't if I explain it a little differently. I don't know everything, in fact my knowledge looks rather more like a fishing net than any solid surface. But the reason there are such mammoth gaps in my knowledge is pure ignorance in those areas. I simply haven't studied them, either because I just haven't gotten to them yet, or because they completely fail to interest me. No, I do not know everything. I am simply good at learning. It's what I do best. My brain was designed for it.
The other thing that I think attracts me to the UK is it's priorities, which are far different than those of the U.S. Granted the UK is a powerful place, but they still focus more on education, culture, and intelligence than the U.S. probably ever will. If we valued these things, then the man some call "president" would be out picking fruit in some field somewhere, and not stalking around the white house with his knuckles dragging behind him on the ground. More than that, our nations teachers would be making more than the corrupt CEO's of the energy and fuel companies who have been working for decades to keep more environmental friendly options from seeing the light of day. I recognize that I am probably being a bit idealistic here, and maybe one of these days I'll have the same distaste for the UK that I have for the US, but the only way to find out is to experience it first hand. Suffice it to say that I've lost a lot of respect for this country in the course of my life, and it makes me wonder what our veterans were fighting for. I'm willing to bet it wasn't a nation that feeds illiteracy and honors it's past war heros by subsidizing weapons sales to third-world countries. There has to be a better place than this.
Moving on, tonight I saw A Knights Tale, with Sings with her Spirit. A really funny, engaging movie, I felt. The music was more distracting than it was appropriate, but a good story, none the less. This makes me excited about reading Chaucer next semester, as I've read that it's based on one of his works.
At the request (read: demand) of sky wanderer, I'm posting another blog entry. But be warned, this will likely be long, introspective, and not all that interesting to anyone but me.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, partly because I make it a habit to do so, and partly because, in giving advice, I am prompted to look at myself and see how I am doing in terms of my relationship with myselfl. I've been talking to sky wanderer a lot about relationships, love, and intimacy lately, and so I've been thinking about these particular areas of my own existence. Basically, I've grown into a person who recognizes the difference between love intimacy, and chemistry intimacy, and I don't really think that either of them is a bad thing. I've also come to see both as valuable in some ways. I think that people have elevated sex to some sort of archetypal entity, almost deific in a sense. As someone who is waiting to take the big plunge, I have some mixed views on this subject. I'm not for a rehashing of Victorian era morality, but I'm not necessarily all for free love either. I wish people would stop viewing sexual persuits as a taboo. I guess my point is that people have far too many hang ups when it comes to relationship, and depending on how you go about things, I don't think there's anything wrong with going for what feels right. People need to live, and not worry about what's acceptable so much. That said, I think people view marriage all the wrong way. Marriage used to be an institution to make life easier, to make it easier to get through things. Now that people are more self-sufficient than ever, maybe it's time to take an overhaul of what Marriage should be. Myself, I think that the point of marriage is to be in a loving relationship with someone who is your best friend and confidante. A pair of equals who don't necessarily share all hobbies and such, but who are perfectly capable of existing on their own, and choose to share their lives, knowledge, experiences, passions, and thoughts with. As my mother once told me, sometimes mutual respect and communication are more important to the success of a relationship than "true love." This got me thinking about what I want out of life, what I would want out of this sort of relationship. I demand independence, I always have, so naturally this is a big part of it. I also place a big value on little comforts that make life pleasurable, i.e. lazy sunday mornings curled up with a book, walks in the woods, candles around my bath tub, etc. In living on a sleepy campus, I've learned that it is possible for me to lead a relatively slow-paced life. And now I am rambling because writing this has been a process interrupted by conversations with sky wanderer and the crown. I suppose my expectations are no more grounded in reality than someone wanting to be whisked off their feet into blissful eternity, but I'm too young to settle, and I've got to have something to aim for, right? I want a rich life (and no, not necessarily monetary), and I want someone to appreciate it with. Most of all, I want to cram my time on earth full of neat experiences and continually check things off of my lifes to-do list. Maybe I should make my lifes to-do list first.
I also have a dedication for sky wanderer. yes it's a cheesy song, sky, but it's got some good insight, it's "Dance" by Leanne Womack (or however the hell you spell it.) "I hope if loving's a mistake it's one worth making." Put away the books dammit, and let someone else observe for a while. Live, damn you, live! (insert diabolical laughter a la Young Frankenstein.) You're too young to be jaded already.
And to the Jester, who will never know who he is because I'll never tell, grow up already. Playing grown up isn't the same as being grown up. Digest some responsibility, work toward your goals, and do something with your life. Hopefully it isn't too late.