Stacy Was Here :
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Friday, April 21, 2006
*thought of having myself committed
*felt like I was going to spontaneously combust
*gone to the health center to beg for something to help me sleep/eat/concentrate/not cry all the time
*been refered to the counseling center where I talked to a very nice lady who seemed to be very competent and interested in helping me, but it's hard to help someone who has already asked herself all the questions and told herself all the advice you have to offer. The perils of being so eself aware and so self-examining is that it's hard to find someone to help you when you find your methods inadequate.
*had a really great talk with my OChem professor, who is really awesome and made me feel a lot better about myself and about life in general. and did a lot to greatly reduce my stress.
*worried a lot about Fuzzy's health. turns out we're both doing craptaculrarly.
Some of those things may sound like slight exaggerations, but none of them are. not one. It's really tough, especially if you're me, to admit that it's all too much for you, that you need help, that you can't do everything you need to do. It's been pretty humiliating, really. But now I think whats left on my plate might be manageable. I get my second Chem 110 test back tomorrow, which will determine a lot about my stress level for the rest of the semester.
Funny story, though. My brother (the oldest one, who tends to be pretty full of himself, and can really dish out his share of shit about other people) has developed a case of Bell's Palsy. For those who don't know, it's where half/one side of your face becomes temporarily paralyzed. Notice I emphasized the temporary, because that's what makes the whole thing funny. My dad and family are taking full advantage of the situation to get in plenty of digs before he goes back to normal, and have taken to calling him "retard face". Maybe I'm going to hell, but I've been giggling about it for the last two days. Chris does a marvelous impression of it every time I mention it.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
So I finally set up our honeymoon registry. We want a honeymoon more than anything else because a) we already have most of the stuff we need for the apartment, b) we both really really need a vacation, and c) it would be a really awesome experience for us to share. I put a link in the sidebar, but here it is anyway:
* Bought the mason jars for the table arrangements.
* Bought the favors... they're so cute :) Little terra cotta pots with peat pellets and flower seeds. Perfect for a garden wedding.
* Bought kissig bells (where the guests ring them and then we have to kiss.)
* Ordered the invitations.
* Ordered twisted paper cord for the centerpieces and other decorations.
* Ordered the flowers.
Now we are significantly poorer. *sigh*
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
So, life took a nice upturn today, in my 8am chem lab, strangely enough. We had a quiz, for which I studied briefly last night. I finished it first, as usual, and so my professor was reading over it. I got a little nervous, so I got up to go to the restroom while everyone else finished, and he came over to me and said "Thanks for writing my key for the quiz", and I said "so I did well?" (because it was 8am and I'm slow on the uptake), and he said I nailed it, so woo woo. THEN I turned in two of my test results for the qualitative analysis stuff, and I got full points on both of them =D Seriously, maybe this makes me a huge dork, but it made me feel *so* much better, and I feel like I got my mojo back, and suddenly a semester that felt hopeless gradewise feels doable and like I might just be able to do really well after all. It's still going to take a lot of work, of course, but it's amazing how your stamina for something can improve just by having small miracles.
It's nice having my mom around, even though I haven't gotten to spend that much time with her. It's a comfort just having her at the apartment with us. My sister is bored out of her mind, but she brought Britney with her, so it's at least a little better. Britney's fun to have around too, so I'm glad she came. And I really missed Amie a lot, so I'm glad she's here. I just wish I had more time to visit everyone.
My uncle is doing fine after the surgery, which is great. The shock of it is mostly passed now, so yay for that.
I have one more test this round, on Friday, and I think I'm going to do well on it. After that I'll be able to relax for a little bit before I dive into studying for my finals. I have 4 exams to study for, two of which are for OChem, because I tanked the second test in that class, but at least there's the optional exam to make up for it, so all is not lost. I also need to go over a bunch of the stuff from the Gen Chem test I tanked, because it might reappear on the final exam. One thing is for certain, the semester is over in 5 weeks, after that all I will have to worry about is the wedding, and I am ready to see the back side of these classes. If I can just power through these next 5 weeks, I will be okay. Next semester will definitely be better, I am so excited about the classes I'm going to have: Genetics, Quant, and Forensic Anthropology.
Keep you fingers crossed for me, y'all. I can so do this.
Sunday, April 09, 2006
looking on the bright side... in which she goes on and on forever about nothing in particular because she is tired.
1) An old suitemate of mine had to drop out of school because her dad had prostate cancer a few semesters ago. I saw her on campus again and asked how she was doing. She was back in school and is having to drop out again because her dad had a heart attack, lost his job, and she has to work to help support her family.
2) A friend of mine is having problems with her boyfriend of nearly four years. Identity crisis. I'm glad she's a really strong person, because I'd be a total basket case in that situation.
Even the cumulative suckage of my semester is relatively light compared to these situations, so I'm going to stop whining (hopefully) and plow through the rest of it. I just hope things get better soon, because I am a few breaths away from dropping out of society and going to live in the forest with the other crazies.
My mom and sister are on the way up right now, which is why I'm up so late. The quiet is sort of nice, and the solitude too, but I hate going to bed after Fuzzy because I always feel like my day hasn't ended properly. You get into a routine, you know, of starting and ending the day with someone, of them being the last thing you see when you fall asleep and the first thing you see in the morning.
They were supposed to leave nearly 24 hours ago, in the early morning of Saturday, but then my uncle was rushed to the hospital, and they operated Saturday morning to remove his galbladder. I know it's not major major surgery, I mean shit, he's home already, but we're talking about a man who get pneumonia and gets up and goes to work anyway. I can't remember the last time he went to a Dr. It's just really shocking that this is happening to him, he's the only one I don't usually worry about. I just always assume he's okay, so when I found out about it it really bowled me over. He's home now though and the surgery went well, so he should be fine.
I forgot to do the inhaler thing this morning, and I'm really feeling the worse for it now. I hate that my body is already dependent on it, in a way. I mean, it's better than not being able to breathe, and I can be more active, or at least active in more aerobic ways, than I've ever been able to do before. I had to chase a guy down the other day because he left his credit card at the station, and I wasn't even out of breath afterward. I've never been able to run even a little bit without serious breathing problems and chest pain before. This is a huge development for me. Now the only serious impediment to most exercise is the state of my feet, which won't be remedied until I have insurance, but at least I'm part of the way there. Still, I hate having to use the inhaler twice a day. It's one more thing I can't get away from.
We've also had to kick the cats out of the bedroom, which sucks because my main bonding ritual with Franny is sleeping with her curled up next to me. She doesn't seem too put out, though, she just takes up residence on my lap whenever I sit down and naps while I pet her. I know most people don't get it, why I can't just get rid of them because they make it hard to breathe, but they're like children, to a certain degree. We've had them for over two years now, and when you get animals, it's a commitment. Cats can live for over 20 years, we knew that when we decided to adopt them, and they're more than a responsibility and occasional annoyance, they're our companions and a big comfort.
(You know what I hate about being so far from civilization up here? We get four channels up here. Right now, one is offline entirely, one is a show about malaria in Africa, and two, TWO of them are the same show, this guy sitting at a desk preaching the bible. I mean, at least its not on during prime time, but seriously. Why? The good Christian folks will be going to church in about 5 hours, couldn't they put something interesting on? Jeeze, even old episodes of Threes Company would be better. At least the malaria thing is interesting, but I am nowhere near awake enough to really pay attention to it.)
Well, I think its time to give up and go to bed. The breathing isn't going so well, and sleep always helps with that part. Plus Fuzzy just got up, so maybe I have a chance to end my day properly.
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Friday, April 07, 2006
Jesus, seriously, this is the worst fucking semester ever. I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep through the rest of it.
Someone wake me up when its 2007.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
So they've put me on flovent, a lovely inhaled steroid that does not taste like brand new tires, but which has the lovely potential for THE WORST SIDE EFFECT EVER!!!!! Are you ready for this? Dood, three words. Oral. Yeast. Infection. Anyone who thinks I'm exaggerating how much not breathing sucks can eat it... if it weren't serious suckage, would I risk getting a damn yeast infection in my mouth? Ugh. Grody. Seriously grody.
But, the good news is that I'm breathing a bit better now. It's not 100%, more like maybe 80% of what I would consider normal, but it's an improvement, and I can at least function mostly. The only downside so far to materialize is I feel sorta spinny, and a little bit queasy sometimes if I get too warm or move too fast or whatever. It's still better than panting all day like a damn german shepherd.
Now I just have a bajillionty things to make up for, like the test I missed this week, and the three labs I've had to miss in the last two weeks. It sucks, because my mom and sister are coming up to visit and I have so much to do that my time is going to be stretched very very thin, but at least I feel like it might even be possible now.
And, because it all seems insurmountable and my motivation is wavering under the pressure, I will focus on the glorious feeling of becomming that school gives me. Yeah, I could drop the whole bio major thing and just settle for whatever my degree would get me, but I wouldn't be developing into someone better, someone smarter, someone with so many more options (like the poking-dead-people-with-sticks option, woo woo.) I can do this, it may not be my best semester ever, but even if it's not, who would fault me for slipping a little under all the things I've piled on myself? And, to be fair to myself, most people wouldn't consider a few B's to be slipping, so I'm giving myself permission to not be perfect this semester, to just do the best I can at this point and accept that not every grade has to be an A for me to be smart and successful.
Monday, April 03, 2006
Sunday, April 02, 2006
25: the approximate number of hours I've studied in the last week.
5: the number of chapters of ochem I've managed to eek through.
0: the number of chapters I feel I've actually absorbed or gotten comfortable with.
343974839412314: the number of times I've found myself in the middle of a paragraph that I don't remember starting, had to go back, and start over.
14: the number of times I've used the rescue inhaler in the last 4 days.
6: the number of naps I've taken in the last 4 days.
0: the number of good, deep, fulfilling breaths I've taken in the last 4 days.
4: the number of visits I've made to the health center in the last week and a half.
2: the approximate number of months until the wedding (holyshit!!!)
9: the number of hours until my next trip to the health center, at which point I will demand more effective long-term treatment. argh.
and by the way, in case anyone has forgotten, Fuzzy = the best.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
as displayed by the hand of Fuzzy....
The pattern is adapted from the glove pattern in The Knitters Handy Book of Patterns, which I swear is the most useful knitting book ever, like by a lot. you can do any of the patterns in any gauge with any yarn you like, and they include useful tips for all of them. I was just going to make him fingerless mitts, which would have been easier, but what the hell, it made me learn something new and useful, so I didn't mind. The yarn is Cascade Pastaza, which is half wool, half lama, and totally yummy. It was my one purchase on our field trip to generations, and it's too expensive to make a big thing out of, but one skein is plenty to make the second glove for him and I'll prolly have 1/3 left over, by the looks of it. I got a skein to make me a pair as well, although I think mine will have a little longer cuff (which Fuzzy didn't want.) All in all, gloves are not as scary as I thought they would be (just like socks.)