stacy was here (and probably spinning....): 12/01/2001 - 01/01/2002
Stacy Was Here :
Back at the Beginning
Sunday, December 30, 2001
Ok, so you know the challenge I issued in the second paragraph of the last entry? Well, the addressed parties knickname for the purposes of this journal is Hector, and he failed the test miserably. I've come to the conclusion that it really has nothing to do with his religious beliefs, rather his personality in general, because his attitude would still be just as irritating if he were the same religion as me. The fact is, he thinks that his way is the best way for everything, and given how stubborn I am, and how much I hate to be told how to do something, we're just completely incompatible as friends. Besides, he goes too damn far with things. A few weeks ago, he stole and destroyed ANOTHER batch of OTB's books (pagan books, not that it makes any difference.) I say another because he's done this several times in the past. To quote a classic episode of SNL (by classic, I mean before it started to suck) "Hector, Hector, where art thou gone? Out walking with Adolph, Benito and Juan..... (hey, you try finding a rhyme for 'fascist')". My mother made the brilliant observation that he must be threatened by OTB's reading material if he goes so far as to destroy it like that. Disagreement is one thing, censorship is another. OTB is 24 years old, so thinking that he is incapable of chosing proper books is rediculous. Negating his right to read what he chooses is also rediculous (on a larger scale, it's also unconstitutional... hmmmmm...) Anyone but me think this guy has more issues than just religious intollerance? I sure as hell think so.
My Christmas Gift -and- The Girl Who Was Unfortunately Pagan
So how about my mom was almost shot yesterday? See, there was an armed robbery at her work. The Brinks Armoured Car guy had just picked up the daily deposit and had left her room when she heard a loud noise. She thought he'd dropped the bags of coin she'd given him, so she went outside to help him put them back on the cart. Well, the Brinks guy was sprawled out on the floor, and a guy was leaning over him and picking up the bags of currency. She thought it was her boss until he pointed a gun at her face and yelled at her to close her door. It seems he'd shot the Brinks guy, from the back, in the back of the head, before he even knew it was happening. This gunman, who obviously had no compunction whatsoever with taking one innocent life somehow saw fit not to shoot my mother, and I feel extremely lucky that she's still alive today. Now don't get me wrong, this doesn't make me any more inclined to pity the bastard that did it, I still think he needs to pay for what he did, and whatever they do to him when they catch him, I hope it's horrible, slow, and painful. If he'd hurt her, you could damn well be sure that I'd be out there right this very second looking for him . And if I found him, he'd never make it to his court date. In fact, if there is a hell, I hope he burns in it for a good long time. Which brings me to something else that's been bothering me for a while.
According to some people, as long as this man believes in God, he'd still make it into heaven. This man placed the barrell of a gun to the back of a mans head and pulled the trigger without ever thinking twice, and for only $27,000 in stolen money. Now, I don't think there is an amount of money that could justify killing someone, but if there were, that sure as hell wouldn't be near enough. This guy obviously felt differently. In fact, he didn't even have to kill the guy. He came up behind him and killed him instantly. He didn't wave the gun around and just use it as a threat. He didn't even beat the guy unconcious with it. He killed him, just like that. And some people try and tell me that as long as he believes in THEIR God, he can still go to heaven. But me, I believe God has a different name, so even if I discovered the cure for cancer, orchestrated world peace, and fed all the starving children in Somalia, they think that I will spend eternity burning in a hell that they read about in some book, but which I do not believe in. Does this seem a little cracked to anyone but me? Most of my friends, and most Christians I know aren't that extremist. In fact there's only one person, maybe two (though the jury is still out on her) of my "friends" who try to cram ideas just like this down my throat. And then I hear our Commander and Thief on TV talking about how we'll wipe out the "evil-doers". Well, what exactly does he think they think we are? These people who plowed airplanes into buildings thought that they were wiping out the "evil-doers" because thats what THEIR beliefs say that WE are. And since no one now living has met "God" or witnessed the creation of our world, how in the hell is it possible that some people are so unfathomably arrogant as to assume that only their beliefs are valid? I wonder if those few Christians who have helped murder abortion doctors thought they were killing an "evil-doer"? In an age where most people are able to live peaceably with people of different races, different religions, and different sexual-orientations, it's a very small amount of people who are fucking it up for the rest of us. And you know what? I'm going to do my part to show that I will not abide intollerance, and I'm going to start with that one friend of mine. He reads this journal, or at least he used to. If we can't hang out for one night without you insulting my beliefs or my right to believe them, then we won't hang out anymore. I'm sick of it. Number one, it makes me severely uncomfortable, and number two, you have no right to treat me, or anyone else that way no matter what kind of "good" you think you're doing. The fact is, you're just alienating people, and it's about time you learned to have a little respect for people. THAT is why I didn't return your email.
-1- To follow Victors example, no longer give any of my time to petty people.
-2- Stop associating with people who can't seem to stop condeming me for thoroughly rediculous reasons. It makes me sad. You all know who you are, feel free to defend yourselves in the comment section.
-3- Focus on school more so that I don't end up stressed at the end of the semester.
-4- Not waste this coming summer like I wasted the last one.
-5- Try to keep better perspective on my life, and not worry about stupid shit.
-6- Express mysefl more artistically. More painting, more drawing, more photography.
Any input? Wanna vote for one? Go to the comments section.
staring at the sea
will she come?
is there hope for me
after all is said and done
anything at any price
all of this for you
all the spoils of a wasted life
all of this for you
all the world has closed her eyes
tired faith all worn and thin
for all we could have done
and all that could have been
ocean pulls me close
and whispers in my ear
the destiny i've chose
all becoming clear
the currents have their say
the time is drawing near
washes me away
makes me disappear
and i descend from grace
in arms of undertow
i will take my place
in the great below
i can still feel you
even so far away
i can still feel you
even so far away
i can still feel you
even so far away
i can still feel you
even so far away
even so far away
even so far away
even so far away
so far away
So I thought I'd update about the relationship (or lack thereof) between my mother and Facade, since me and her just got off the phone and talked about it. She seems pretty definite that they could never be together now. In some ways I am afraid to believe this, but here is why I believe it anyway: the reason they stopped seeing each other the first time was because he hurt her very badly, and she still had feelings for him that went unresolved. This time, they stopped dating because he's a controling idiot who has absolutely no capacity for introspection whatsoever, and thinks that everyone else is the problem, that it couldn't possibly him. she's stopped seeing him because she's disgusted with him, instead of being disgusted with him because they've stopped seeing each other, like last time. He's still pissed off because my mom let my sister jump off that pier in lake tahoe, and even admitted to the shrink that there was no reason for her not to other than that he didn't think she should, and the shrink basically told him that that wasn't really a reason. Every time the shrink tries to get him to identify his feelings, facade shrivels up like an old grape and completely fails to notice anything. The only reason he persists in going to the shrink with my mother is because he's still trying to get her to be with him, and because he thinks the problems are all with my mother, me, and my sister and that the shrink will "fix" us so that we fit into his fantasy world. I almost feel sorry for the man, what with him being so delusional and all. He's just completely oblivious to everyone and everything, including his own feelings, which is really very sad. The other reason that I know they'll never successfully be together is that he is very controlling, and my mother will always rebel against that, and rightfully so. He's still of the archaic thinking that men should be in charge of the relationship, and in charge of the decisions regarding the children, and my mom is very stubborn, and very independant, and will always resent that sort of presumptuousness. So that, hopefully, is the end of this silly maddness. Hopefully she'll find someone better suited for her, but only when she's ready to reexamine what she's looking for and why. If everything else is hopeless with them going to therapy, it at least seems like the shrink is helping her to see the causes of her decisions and reactions to things. Bravo to him for that. Well, I really should be studying now... Though I'll probably be posting quite frequently for at least the next few days... I need something to procrastinate with. :)
So last night, as if to indulge my romantic neurosis, McQ, Mitch Ellykins and I had a romantic movie marathon of the last hour of Pride and Prejudice, Bridget Jones' Diary, Much Ado About Nothing (*sigh*), and Chocolat... Yes, we are geeks, I know this. It was fun, departing from reality for 7 hours... of course, it can't have helped me coming to terms with the lack of existence of good men any, but it at least made for some nice procrastination activities...
Remember, this is finals week: F.I.N.A.L.S. = Finally I Now Attempt Learning Stuff.
Well, I'm alone at work again, and thinking too much again like I always do. I feel so needy whining about the lack of guys in my life, but dammit, this is my weblog, and if you're sick of my drivel, you know where the little "x" is on this window. I'm just sick of feeling alone, I guess. I'm sick of having this whole other side to myself and no one to show it to. And I feel like my family is shrinking at an alarming rate. Really, I have this huge family... two aunts and one uncle remaining, and seven cousins somewhere out there, not to mention my dad and his three sons and, my uncle Gene, my aunt Kathy and grandma Margaret... all of these family members... but on holidays, like christmas for instance, when the house used to be full of people, now there is only me, my mother, my sister, my uncle, my grandmother, and sometimes my cousin Denise and her daughter. And Denise doesn't really feel like driving out to see us because it's far, and my grandmother is not getting any younger. I sometimes wonder what will become of me when I am an adult. I'm so picky when it comes to guys that it's really highly unlikely that I'll ever marry. For as much agrivation as my family can be, the world seems a very lonely prospect without knowing that they are there. And I have all these cousins that I hardly know. Through no fault of our own we grew up seperately, and now our lives hardly connect except by act of will. I need to contact them and at least make an attempt to be part of their lives. I feel like we should be close, if for no other reason than the shared wierdness of our familial past.
Besides my family, there's also my friends. I feel like I am growing apart from my friends at home, and I'm really not sure how I feel about that. For as long as I've known them, I really don't think they know me any better than my friends here do, and I know thats more than partly my fault. and every time I'm home I feel like I'm reverting to the person that I was when I left home, and I don't like that. I've changed a lot here, and right, wrong, or indifferent, I can't go back to that. And no, it's not their fault that I feel pressured to be how I was before, it's my fault. It's in my head, I know it is. Conditional Behaviorism... Meaning I was in that environment thinking and acting a certain way for so long, that when I'm back there, it's reflex to go back to that set of behavior. I wonder what it will be like when I go to Humboldt next year? It's a different environment, so I can't be the same. Maybe a pleasant middle ground? One things for sure, given my almost spiritual connection to the ocean, it's perfectly rediculous to be this far from it any longer than necessary.
Maybe it's being at an all girls school thats doing this to me, but I could just really go for a nice guy to have long conversations with, or to sit in silence with even. From the experiences I've had, guys like that don't actually exist here. All the guys I've met in Pittsburgh are either uptight, or completely vapid, or just indifferent. Hopefully the ones at Humboldt will be a little more appealing... maybe even creative and somewhat unconventional??? *ghasp!* It's probably just me, but it seems like people in general just carry themselves different here. People in CA are more laid back and casual, and they don't seem perpetually uncomfortable. Naturally this is me speaking within one week of being home, and so everything here seems putrid to me at the moment, and so I'm expressing this opinion with all the impartiality that the homesick-goggles can afford me. *sigh* Can this week just be over already? Like now???
I am such a hopeless romantic it's not even funny anymore... I had this dream a few days ago that, after being jilted by a guy who then reuined my first painting, I met a guy, tall, with long blond hair, a solid build, and big strong hands. I won't go into the details of the dream, because I'm still picking it over in my head, but it sort of pisses me off that my psyche invents these perfect guys who simply don't exist in the real world. I mean, I know a guy who the dream guy vaguely reminds me of, but this boy, the one I actually know, is just another one of the multitudes who would love for me to change. I'm not aversed to change, really, I simply wonder, once I've changed once for someone, will they just find more things wrong with me?
Which leads me to a different dilema. People, even those who know me pretty well, don't know one side of my personality because it hasn't been seen in so long. I'm different when I have someone to share my affections with... I'm not as jaded or sarcastic, and generally just more bearable to be around than normal. It's almost like the more old-fashioned side of my personality asserts myself and I begin to adopt certain traits of certain literary heroines... (Granted, I could never be as complacent and reserved as say, Hero, for instance... I'm much more likely to be like Beatrice... somewhat shrewish at first, but once the right buttons have been pushed, well, you know...) And it's all McQ's fault that I'm thinking about this, because she's gotten me hooked on the Pride and Prejudice mini-series that A&E did a while ago. Blah. I'm sick of everything. Time to go brood.
*sigh* I can't wait for Christmas... You know, deep down I guess I really am a romantic at heart. Crazy, huh? I love the whole holiday season, even though it usually means fighting with my family and all that great stuff. I love driving around with my mom and sister and looking at Christmas lights, going to Disneyland with it all decorated so pretty for the holidays... candycanes, fires in the fireplace at our house, pine trees, and of course, Christmas songs, which is what I'm listening to right now. I miss being at home with my family and my friends... I miss being able to drive around Whittier in my car, with my music turned up loud and me singing along... I miss hugging my little sister, and making my mom laugh until she cries. I'm such a schmucky home-body when you come right down to it.
Lately I've just been aching for California so bad. You'd really think that winter would be prettier in a place like Pennsylvania, what with snow and everything, but thats really not the case, at least not to me. Here, after fall, all the trees look tired, naked, and dead. At home almost all the trees will still be green, and with the decorations everywhere, and the air just chilly enough to be comfortable it will be really gorgeous there.
So last night was pretty cool. It was Fickes Eggnog and the Holiday Ball, so yeah, tons of people in nice clothes dancing around like idiots. Phil came up, and all my friends went, so we all had a good time. I'm still a little bitter that the DJ didn't play my song, but I guess I'll get over that eventually. We danced the night away, including the obligatory all girl slow dance, LoL... singing like drunken fools even though none of us had anything to drink. It was really quite amusing. I haven't been to anything like that since high school, and I guess even though it goes against everything I stand for, I still had a really good time. Now I just need to take Mitch Ellykins clubbing in California... muahahahaha... She had fun last night too, though, wearing my massive strappy-ass f*#% me shoes.... didn't fall once, dag nabbit... now THAT would have been funny. heh...