stacy was here (and probably spinning....): 07/01/2002 - 08/01/2002
Stacy Was Here :
Back at the Beginning
Wednesday, July 31, 2002
okay, so now a bit of an explaination. I think I've changed this summer... like I've come out of the social coma I've been in for a few years. Oh, don't get me wrong, I've been plenty social with my friends in PA, and still am. But I haven't given myself the room or space to really desire or pursue a more... emotional relationship. I think it was mainly fear, and maybe that was even the driving force behind my decision to go to an all womens college (okay, so the money they offered me helped...) And now, in some ways, I feel like I'm able to move forward without fear. I feel a lot of new goals and ambitions stirring me, pulling me out of my self-imposed exile. So I figured that was ample reason for a redesign... ;)
Okay, so I've decided to redesign. Here are four posibilities I have come up with so far. Yes, they are similar. Yes, I am working on others, maybe a bit more colorful. Either will be bannerless when I move them to this URL.
it's really starting to look like the WendyLady is gonna be moving out to Arcata with me. hear that? *bing* that's sound of light glinting off my big ass grin, a la toothpaste commercials. the plan is that I'm gonna look for apartments asap once I get up north, and then as soon as I find one, she'll mosey on over and move in with me.
so all of you out there who read this, whether we've met or not... send me some good real estate vibes, or just wish for me to find a good apartment.
So things are looking up for me now... I don't know if it's just the mood I'm in, but I've been thinking about it, and I feel better/healthier than I have since high school... and I'm pouring over all the delicious leisure classes Humboldt offers, and I'm feel really ambitious... like for a long time I haven't had the energy to do anything really physical, and now my body isn't holding me back like it used to...
I am soooo taking a surfing class, maybe two... I've been wanting to get back into surfing since I stopped in the first place, and since wetsuits and boards are supplied, there's nothing to prevent me from doing it. I keep looking at boards online... maybe once I get my finances sorted out I can get myself a nice eight or nine foot longboard.... *drooool*
Then there's tons of other stuff up there... camping, canoeing, kayaking, windsurfing, snowboarding... the possibilities are endless, and I can't wait to dive in and get my hands dirty....
And now, because blogging is better than thinking:
Which Song?
reminds you of an ex-lover:
that wretched "As I Lay Me Down to Sleep" song, by Sophie B. Hawkins, because he played it for me and said it reminded him of me.
reminds you of an ex-friend:
"Sober", by Tool
makes you cry:
"Butterfly Kisses"... I think Bob Carlisle sings it.
makes you laugh:
heh... "Hey Mr. Dealer" by Morton Downey Jr.
"High Enough" by the Damn Yankees
"One More Try" by Timmy T
makes you wanna dance:
anything with a strong beat
makes you wanna sing:
"You Make Me Remember" by Leah Andreone
the soundtrack of Jesus Christ Superstar
the soundtrack of Rent
anything by Rasputina
schmucky 80's music
reminds you of the one you want:
"I'll Stand By You" by the Pretenders
reminds you of the one you love:
"At My Most Beautiful" by REM
do you wish you wrote:
"The Promise" by Traci Chapman
do you never want to hear again:
that awful Titanic song, even though I always sing along with it when it comes on.
do you want to get married to:
I can't decide that yet
sums up your teenage years:
"Creep" by Radiohead
do you like to wake up to:
depends on who/where/how I'm waking up(with).
do you like out of your parents' record collection:
My mom got me hooked on Chicago
do you love that you wouldn't know about if it wasn't for a friend:
"Wild Horses" by the Sundays
do you love the video more than the tune:
I don't have mtv, so I don't know
do you love which is from your favourite movie:
"A Case of You" by Joni Mitchell, from Practical Magic
makes you think of the moon:
"Enter From the East" by Jewell
makes you think of the night:
"Into the Night" by Julee Cruise
makes you think of sex:
I don't think there's anything that makes me think strictly of sex, except maybe "Animal Fever" by Die Form. I think about closeness and intimacy and making love when I listen to Enigma, though.
makes you think of being alone:
"A Warm Place" by NIN
right now my sister, cousin, and grandmother are sitting in the living room watching old movies from when my sister was a baby. the nostalgia in that room is so thick you could cut it with a knife.
when did my life become an episode of the Twilight Zone?
so what did I wake up to this morning? it's funny you should ask...
I wasn't sure at first, but yes, I actually did wake up to hear my uncle explaining to my sister why she should be more careful with grandmas feelings.
hear that? thats the sound of me screaming at the top of my lungs and no one giving a shit.
And now we return to the neverending saga of why I hate my grandmother.
I come out of my cave today, and I hear her in her room sobbing wildly. Now, I should know better. I should know by now not to say anything, but I always do. So I asked my sister if she knew why grandma was crying, and she said no and went in to find out. Now, before I start to sound like a heartless bitch, let me explain a few things.
1) She does this all the damn time. Like weekly.
2) She's only doing it for attention. How do I know this? Well, lets examine the evidence. She starts out quietly in her room. If no one says anything, she cries louder and louder and louder. If everyone is still not paying attention to her, she gets up to perform some menial task that somehow involves her lurking throughout the entirety of the house, sobbing and wailing like a goddamned banshee. This is the pattern. This is what she does every damn time.
3) If you ask her whats wrong, she just gets angry "Nothing... I don't know why anyone bothers to ask me, you don't care if I live or die." Or just insert any sort of dramatic guilt trip you can think of, she's probably used it.
4) She does this to my sister most of all. That's right. The old bitch actually plays mind games with a ten year old. Actually, she's been doing it since my sister was about two years old, and she did it to me when I was a kid.
So it started again today, and stupid me, I let my sister and cousin go in to check on her, and of course they came out crying and upset because the old bag had berated them and layed on the guilt trip. Then she came out and kept right on doing it, so I finally fucking blew up at her. I yelled at her. "If you're going to throw yourself a fucking pity party, you could at least be decent enough not to say all that shit to them. They're just kids and you're crushing their self esteem. How do I know? Because I remember how it felt when you did the same to me when I was a kid." And she actually had the nerve to tell me that me and my sister aren't the only ones with feelings. At that point I'd had enough, and I didn't trust myself not to say something incredibly cruel that I would eventually regret. So we left. We went to the park, and the kids played in the playground, and I called my mom and she met us there.
I really need to leave this house. Like 22 years ago.
So woooohaaa. Just got off the phone with the best friend, and damn I miss her... We spent the entire time laughing. Haven't laughed so hard in what seems like forever. So as it stands now, we're going to get her out here, get an apartment, and then embark on our diabolical plan to lure the DBLC out here for good, muahahahahaha. After some thought, we decided that a shared apartment would probably feature the following things:
-an outstanding collection of 80's movies and music.
-a dance alcove of some variety.
-a monsterously huge supply of pepsi.
-christmas lights. to accessorize the decor.
-lots and lots and lots of pillows.
-one of those bobble hula dancers in a window. somewhere.
-a surfboard. propped up in a corner somewhere.
-should the DBLC be lured into this abode, a mini fridge for things like marmite... *shivers*
-a ps2. woohhaaaa.
-a sword. because I have a sword.
-beaded curtains.
-shag carpeting.
*ahem* So, because this is my freaking blog and I can, and because I've been thinking about her tons, I'm going to blog about my best friend, and why she should be here, instead of Beaver Falls. Thank you, drive through
* Because I seriously need to get some more mileage out of that "Once, Twice, Three Times a Nosebag" song... that was brilliant, just admit it.
* Because who else but me would point out that her boyfriend has, quite possibly, stolen Dave Gahan's face to wear to parties?
* Becauthe the thounds like thylvethter when thee talkth with a lithp, which alwayth improveth my thummer.
* Severiously... who could put up with me while living in a cubby in a single room together?
* Because even though my taste in music is crap, at least it's entertaining.... can you taaaaaake me hiiiiiiiiiiigh enough?
* Dood... two words: the face.
* I miss the dance cave.
* There are seriously not enough people in the world willing to wear tea cozies on their heads ;)
* Hey, Rat Race! I hear that stars Rowan Atkinson!
* No one knows quite as many songs featuring bad cockney accents as I do, and you KNOW you miss my rendition of "Oum Pa Pa"
* Who else is offering to make me the godmother to their children... named Egon Spangler, Timmothy Umberland, and Slut Bamwala.
* You know, I've been thinking a lot lately.... there really needs to be a music video for "Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft." And then it needs to be marked up on Hideo. Yes.
* Because who else can officiate your wedding a la the impressive clergyman in the Princess Bride?
For you Scorpios, 2002 is shaping up as the Year of Colonizing the Frontiers. I could also say that it's the Year of Bringing the Outside Inside. To pursue this line of legend-making further, I'll add that this summer (or winter if you're on the bottom of the world) will be the Season of Turning Gold into Lead and Then Back Into Gold, But an Even More Pure Gold Than You Started With; July will be the Month of Losing Your Place in Order to Find a Missing Link; and the next seven days will be the Week of Running Through a Sprinkler Dressed in Formal Wear.
okay, just added a couple things, if I might direct your attention to the left. added quick links to the surveys I've filled out, and to some of the more introspective entries I've written. if you have a favorite entry you think I should post in the left, let me know.
so I've been thinking a lot lately, about why I hate being in this house so much, why it's so oppressive to me, why being within 5 miles of it starts me on a spiral of depression. and I've come to the conclusion that I can't feel free here, because there are too many memories and too many secrets wrapped up in this house and in this family. and I hate secrets, at least, this kind. so here goes. welcome to my catharsis. if you don't want to know too many personal things about my life, this is where you should stop reading.
at the center of this house and my loathing for it is my grandmother. when she was young, she met my grandfather working at a department store in los angeles. they fell in love, much to the chagrin of the family on both sides, as she is jewish, and he was not. well, whether because of her stubbornness or because they really did love each other, they got married anyway. the general concensus is that the only reason their marriage lasted was because she was hell bent on proving her parents wrong. they had six kids together, though she raised them mainly on her own as he would frequently disappear for long periods of time. she worked her ass off, did a lot of things that I don't agree with, but in that sector of her life I'll not cast any judgement, because raising six kids, basically alone, in that era must have been harder than anything I've ever been faced with. but there is one thing about her that I have never been able to come to terms with, and I still can't. when my aunt fran was little, she was the black sheep of the family, always trying to get affection from my grandmother, but always feeling like she could never do anything right. well, when he wasn't gone all the time, my grandfather molested her, violated her in ways no one should ever be violated.
I have come to terms with my grandfather, because I know he was sick. I'm not making excuses for it, because there aren't any. what he did was horrible, but his formative years were characterized by abandonment, molestation, and more abandonment. he was carrying forward what was done to him, and he was never helped because people didn't talk about these things back then. something in him never knew what he was doing was wrong. I know this because I spent the last years of his life studying him. I know this because the night before he died I came home at 2 am and he was standing on the porch waiting to make sure I got home okay, but he had been bed-ridden for months. I know because at his funeral and for weeks after, until she also got sick, every time I looked at my aunt fran, I could hear his voice in my head, wracked with sobs, saying "I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry" over and over again. so while in some ways I hated him because I thought he was symbolic of the destruction of my family, I came to terms with who he was and what he had done.
but back to my grandmother. at some point, my aunt told my grandmother what my grandfather was doing to her. the fact that my grandmother knew has been confirmed by other aunts and uncles. whether it was really verbalized or not, she knew. and whether it was verbalized or not, my aunt was made to feel that it was her fault, and that my grandmother resented her for it. but no matter whose version you believe, one thing is true. my grandmother did nothing to stop it, did nothing to bring it to light, and never once before my aunts death made any effort to validate the anguish that my aunt carried around with her for her entire life. even as my aunt lay dying, my grandmother could not find it in herself to admit that she had ever done anything wrong. when I was a child, one cousin, this same aunts daughter, said that my grandfather had touched her, and when confronted about it, my grandmother still defented him and insisted it was a lie. my aunt kept her daughter away from him and told him that if he ever tried to touch her again, she'd kill him. then later, when I was about six, another cousin walked in on her dad watching a porno and told him "thats what grandpa does to me." he finally ended up in prison on that one, and still my grandmother vehemently protested that he was innocent. she had known all this time what he was and done nothing, and there we were a generation later, a new set of victims, all because her loyalty to him was greater than to her own children. she lied over and over, refusing to protect the children that she had given birth to, and that is something that I will never be able to understand or come to terms with. I have grown up around her, completely cold to me, manipulative of me and my sister. neither of us were ever touched by him, probably because we are both opinionated, vocal, and not easily controlled. she still doesn't know about all of this, because she's twelve years younger than me and there has never been a reason to tell her. but my grandmother is still around, embittered, and still trying to control everything about our lives. she smothers us under the guise of affection, which is complete bollocks. all through high school she would go through my room, looking for something to get me into trouble with my mother. she watches me and my sister sleep, we've both woken up and caught her. she haunts this house, and any time someone gets irritated with her, she plays the decrepit card, starts coughing, trying to elicit pity. it never works anymore, but she does it anyway. and my whole life all of this has just hovered like a cloud everywhere she goes. she'll never talk about it, and that leaves everyone in my family stuck in limbo, unable to make a coherant picture of our shared familial past. it can't ever be gotten through or gotten over while she's around.
and that's why this house makes me so incredibly claustrophobic, why I always feel like I can't quite breathe freely here. I need to find an apartment so I don't have to come back here next year. I want a place that she's never been in, never will be in. I want to live somewhere that isn't filled with lies.
01. Bauhaus
02. Silverchair
03. Sex Pistols
04. Depeche Mode
05. Metallica
06. Korn
07. Powerman 5000
08. Sarah Wheeler
09. The Copywrights
10. Brother
9 THINGS YOU'RE LOOKING FORWARD TO (Or, 9 things to which you are looking forward)
01. Leaving for School.
02. This Sunday.
03. My first visit to Davis, CA.
04. Having a desk job again in the relatively near future.
05. Graduating from college.
06. Seeing my two best friends again.
07. Finding my own apartment.
08. Embarking on numerous mini-road trips in the coming months.
09. Laying out on the beach some warm night in Arcata.
8 THINGS YOU WEAR EVERY DAY
01. underwear
02. bra
03. a shirt
04. pants... rarely a skirt
05. my half of the "best sisters" necklace.
06. shoes. usually some kind of sandals, or my docs mary janes.
07. a scrunchy in my hair, which occasionally ends up on my wrist.
08. hrm.... socks?
7 THINGS THAT ANNOY YOU
01. The distance between southern california and western pennsylvania.
02. my grandmother.
03. being at home.
04. The distance between Whittier and Davis.
05. being talked down to.
06. not being able to hear myself think in all this figurative noise.
07. that no matter where I've gone in life so far, nowhere feels quite like home to me. especially not home.
6 THINGS YOU TOUCH DAILY
01. my computer
02. my hair
03. my steering wheel
04. a book
05. my clothes
06. my phone
5 THINGS YOU DO EVERY DAY
01. drive somewhere. anywhere
02. check my email more than I'd care to admit
03. sleep as much as possible
04. wish I was somewhere else
05. hug my sister
4 PEOPLE YOU SPEND THE MOST TIME WITH
01. my self
02. my sister
03. my coworkers
04. my friends
3 MOVIES YOU COULD WATCH AGAIN AND AGAIN
01. Princess Bride (Inconcievable!)
02. Labyrinth (Nothing? Nothing, tra la la?)
03. Practical Magic (What wouldn't I do... for the right guy.)
2 FAVORITE SONGS OF THE MOMENT
01. "I just died in your arms tonight" ... Foreigner (stop laughing!)
02. "Time After Time" ... Cyndi Lauper.
1 PERSON YOU COULD SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH
I just don't get it... how can someone do something like this to a little girl? I don't understand how anyone could want to victimize a child like this.... :*(
so I've been thinking. it seems that, from time to time, whether brought on by internal or external events, I slip into this phase where everything just seems to pile up around me, making me literally and figuratively claustrophobic. I start to sink into a rut, where there is no change and no forward motion. I go to work every day, but for what? The next day at work is just the same, I have not progressed a bit by being there, but maybe I have a few bucks in my pocket at the end of the day. And it just snowballs into a worse and worse feeling of pointlessness and lonliness.
and the worst part about it is that I know how to fix this, but I've let it get to this point anyway. because I'm always convinced that I can wait it out. I should know better by now. so I'm going to take action. I don't know what action yet, but I'm going to do something about it asap, because I'm sick of feeling stuck, and I'm sick of being here. anyone up for a road trip? I'll supply the car and drive it, I might even supply the destination. you supply the company.
Yes, I know a few months ago I couldn't wait for school to end. But that was before I remembered that my grandmother is hella creepy. Her new thing is watching me through the windows of the room, thinking I don't know she's there. *shiver* And it was before I started working, which isn't really that bad, I'm just remembering why I went back to school: so I wouldn't have to work a shitty retail job forever. 90% of the management there is wonderful, but there are these two managers that I have come to loathe. One of them actually said to a big group of us "just remember that I have the authority to release all of you." Mmmm hmmmm. I'd like to see him with that authority explaining to the store manager why there are 12 less people to cover the necessary shifts. That, and it just seems so pointless to work there. I'm not learning anything, I'm not going to stay there, I'm not having a good time, and I'm not really making much money. I'll probably quit pretty soon, I need to go through my stuff and figure out a few more things about school. I'm really hoping to get an apartment when I go up to Humboldt. If I can find one available for the right price, it might actually be cheaper than living on campus, and it would be nice to have privacy. Being away from a strictly female environment is like coming out of exile in a lot of ways. I'm finding possibilities, and it would be nice to have the privacy to explore those possibilities. That, and my experiences with room mates so far has been that I'd rather not have one.
Mostly I'd just like a sense of peace ane evenness to my life. This house is constant drama, and it really gets to me sometimes. I never quite feel like I can relax here, and after time it just seems to build up and build up. And the more I think of it, the more I think that having my own place is the best solution. I'm thinking either a studio by myself, or, if WotWot really does move out to CA, maybe a two bedroom if we can afford it. It would be really nice to relax in my own livingroom with no one nagging at me, or being able to go food shopping and not bring home a bunch of unhealthy crap that doesn't get eaten half the time anyway, or just living in a place that isn't filled with clutter and stuff that never gets gotten rid of. My family never throws anything away, so it just keeps building up. We have five storage units filled with stuff that we don't need... halloween costumes from before I was born, furniture that probably isn't worth saving anyway, old things that no one uses. It's all so unnecessary... I'm all for saving sentimental things, like old awards and photographs and such, but it's just gone beyond ridiculous. It's really analogous to everything about my family. None of the collected family drama has ever been gotten out and gotten over, it just sits there buried and looming. And I know that that will never change and part of it will always follow me around, but at least if I could get out of here and have my own space, it would be easier to deal with.
He tells her that the Earth is flat -
He knows the facts, and that is that.
In altercations fierce and long
She tries her best to prove him wrong.
But he has learned to argue well.
He calls her arguments unsound
And often asks her not to yell.
She cannot win. He stands his ground.
ugh, I feel so drained right now. I'm in one of my famous stages where I don't feel like seeing anyone or going out or doing anything. I feel like there's nothing new for me here, just the same crap that drove me away in the first place. it's stifling. but will it even get better when I'm up at school? I mean, I can't wait to go up there, if only to get away from everything here, but will it really be better or will I just have more to distract me? I hate the fact that I never really feel like I belong anywhere. what if that feeling never goes away? I can't just move to a new city every few years. and what the hell is it all for? what's the point? I thought I knew at one point, a long time ago, but now I'm just sick of being an idealist. it hasn't served me well.
work tonight from 4-10, then zip home for late-night conversation. Then it's up at 6:30 to go watch my sister dance at her competition, hopefully home by 4, then maybe sleep for a little while. And after that? well... anything could happen...
Things are going alright for me right now. My health is still getting better, and even though I had to request fewer hours, I still have a job. In fact they want to train me for a cashier position once the store is open, which I am excited about.
Went with my mom and sister to facade's house today. What a fucking joke that man is. Wouldn't marry my mom because he didn't want to support me, and the asshole lives in a house worth at least $750,000. What a prick. He has all these friends that just think he is the sweetest person alive, because he's really good at putting on a show for people. God I hate him.
M.E. has decided to go home to visit her friends and family before school starts, which I think will be good. I know how much I missed my family when I was gone. At the moment I'm wondering why, though.
