Stacy Was Here :
Friday, January 31, 2003
Thursday, January 30, 2003
The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out, the conservative adopts them. - Mark Twain
heh... thats just a random quote that I found amusing...
so today's been interesting... my check finally went through so I purchased my last book and a few modest school supplies. $90... meh... I hate Margaret Matlin, because now I've been forced to buy two of her drastically overpriced text books. At least this one is not as dry and boring and technical as Cognition, because otherwise I'd give up...
so I'm sitting in the Depot today, and this random guy comes up to me with headphones and a portable CD player and asks if I'm interested in hearing a song by a new artist, so I said sure... by the look of him, and me being a stereotyping asshole, I figured it would be hip hop, but it wasn't hip hop, and not only that, but the song was really effing fantistic.... like "where can I find this CD?" fantastic... and of course, it's his music, I figured that because who goes around playing someone elses music for other people? so I started talking to him about music and about his demo and stuff like that, and I might get to design his website, which would be cool because I am way into good music, and I think it would be a neat project to help someone with real talent get the word out. so yeah, if I do his website, hopefully I'll get to put MP3's on it, and then I'll pimp it out here so y'all can hear what I'm so excited about. definitely cool.
actually, I talked to a lot of random HSU people today, just sitting in the depot waiting for Michelle. first I ran into Margie, who I swear was supposed to be my grandmother and someone messed up and gave me the evil crazy one by mistake. she's an awesome lady, has travelled around the entire globe, has a bachelors degree in Psych and a masters in English, and is just going to school for the hell of it, to learn and stuff like that. she doesn't travel, actually, she said... she goes to places and lives there for a while... she's been, amongst a slew of other places, to Cambodia, and Thailand and Japan, England, the Czech Republic, and Italy. I can't even remember every place she mentioned. she has problems with her family, like with her kids mistreating her and stuff like that, so we hang out and talk about incredibly diverse subjects and laments that she was put in the wrong family by mistake.
then she left and this guy sat down, and he's going back to school after a lot of years to be a teacher. He has a bachelors in History and a law degree, fought in the Vietnam war, and spent many years as an attourney for workers comp, and after raising sons and being involved with boyscouts, he's decided to come back for his teaching credentials to teach high school math. I think it's really excellent to see people keep changing and learning throughout their lives like that, it just proves that you don't really need to be pinned down to one thing for your whole life if you really want to do something else...
so yeah, all in all it's been a really interesting day.
Wednesday, January 29, 2003
lately I've been starting to feel like everyones slipping away from me, or just getting disconnected... is that the price of me being so far away?
Monday, January 27, 2003
today I had classes starting at 9am, and ending at 9pm, with four hours worth of breaks in the middle. it was long, and grueling, but all in all I was really very productive today.
I finally got to shoot my new bow, and I love it except I want to get a new arrow rest for it, or else forever shoot at a slight angle, which is kind of cool but I'm afraid it makes me look like a poser. also, I'm finding that wooden arrows work best with this bow, so I may have to get a new set from my instructor, or use the ones I picked up for Sarah today. I'll have to see if she'll let me. if neither of those work I'll either make due with the fiberglass or go out and spend money on new arrows.
after that I went to the lounge in the student union and finished off Notes from Underground, and slap me silly if Dostoevsky didn't finally come to the damn point in the last 20 pages of the novel. But you know what? It was fucking amazing, that's what. I still protest that it could have been about 100 pages shorter (which is saying a lot, as the book is only 130 pages), but maybe I'm wrong about that... maybe all that banter that I drudged through contributed to the ending, I really can't tell. All I can say is that at the very end it all came together somehow, in a way I can't define, and I really really liked it. Of course I'm not sure how I feel about a book that only becomes worthwhile after you're done reading it. Ask me later this semester.
After dinner I went to the workout room in the J, which is pathetic, and thats being kind. they don't have a friggin treadmill... how can a school this size not contain one single treadmill? I swear, they're all against me... I can walk for hours and hours on a treadmill, and not even notice, but left to stairclimbers I'm not so hot, and I hate the bikes because the seats are about as comfortable as underwear 3 sizes to small. I lasted an hour, though, about 10 minutes on that stupid stairclimber, and the rest doing various stretch-yoga-flexibility type stuff. doesn't sound real intense, I'll admit, but I feel nice and limber and stretched out.
After that I went to colloquium, and can I say I've already developed a dislike for the professor? and this is bad, because this woman is my academic advisor... but let me explain my harsh judgement... at the begining of class, she said we were going to watch a video and play it by ear, we might leave right after the video or have a discussions, but that she wouldn't make us right. LIAR! not only did she keep us the entire 2 hours (which believe me is bad enough because a- it's the first class, and b- I was on campus for 12 freaking hours), but she made us write on top of that. *(@*!($^)!
so now I'm finally back at home, but the good news is that I don't have anything due tomorrow, I've already finished that Dostoevsky book and done my bio reading, and those are the only classes I have tomorrow. so tonight I can crochet and take a long hot shower and read more of Emma and just generally relax and unload today.
I had my first bio lab today, and I actually had a really awesome time of it. It kind of made me sad, though, because I used to want to be a marine biologist, until I took Bio in high school, and the class was set at a ridiculous level and just turned me off of the sciences completely so that I changed after that. I wonder, if I hadn't taken bio there and were just immersed in a class like this, would I have changed my mind? It's hard to say. I was the first in the class today to identify a white blood cell :) go me. And I looked at spirolina, which was cool because it was waving around under the microscope, very much alive. as much as I feared it, I think this class is going to be really enjoyable for me, maybe a glimpse of what could have been if I hadn't been presented with that 8,000 pound, detestable, puke green textbook from the 1800's in the 10th grade.
It's been a week now, since I've been back at school, though I confess it feels like longer. I'm happy to say that things are going better now than they did last semester. I feel more comfortable here, and it's amazing how many of the faces are familiar to me now. I didn't realize just how many people I was meeting last semester, because I was focusing more on the lack of close friends. But now it's reassuring, to walk into a classroom and see 5 people that I would chat with in classes last semester. People come up to me when I'm sitting in the depot, or even just walking somewhere to say hi and it's really helping my outlook. Plus I'm in so many classes that I don't have as much time to sit and realize how much I miss everyone.
Speaking of classes, they're going well, though I have two later today that I haven't been in yet, so I may have to update that later. The work load looks like it's going to be heavy and constant, which I think is a good thing. I tend to slack off when I have time to say "oh, I'll have time to do that later." Well, I can't say that this semester, not when I have to read about 3-4 novels for every two weeks of school. Fortunately it looks like my paper-writing load isn't going to be too intense. I'll have one 10 page paper for Gender in the 19th Century, 3 3-5 page papers for Dostoevsky, and then maybe one or two in my other classes, but to me, papers for non-english classes are always less intense, so I'm not too worried about that. And so far the reading has been fairly moderate, and I haven't had trouble blazing through anything, even Dostoevsky, who I have come to suspect likes hearing his own ideas over and over and over. The book I'm reading now, Notes from Underground could, quite easily, be shorter by half and still express exactly the same things. Still, it's enjoyable to read. His imagery is fantastic, once he gets to it, and the characters are torturously human. I can't wait to ready Crime and Punishment, but lucky me, that'll probably be on the slate for next week.
So far the gender stuff hasn't been too heavy handed, and with two of the classes it's focused equally on male and female, without any lectures on how evil patriarchical society is. In my Integration of Masculinity and Femininity, the professor pointed out that masculinity can be just as much of a straight jacket for men as femininity can be for women, which is a good point, in my opinion. I very much agree with the idea that any society that favors one over the other ends up screwing both.
I actually went to a party the other night, with one of my roommates, and had a really good time. The people there were all older than me, which is rare to my experience, but really to my liking. It was relaxed, no one drinking too much or making fools of themselves, and really just a kick-back atmosphere. I met a few people, though I'm not sure how many of them I'll see again, and it was really nice to get out of my room and just have a good time. I've resolved to get out more this semester, and so far I'm off to a good start. Michelle and I are planning to go to a play this weekend, Much Ado About Nothing, which is one of my favorites. Hopefully we'll be able to go, I'd really like to see it staged live.
Overall, I think transfering here may just turn out to be good for me, in the long run. I've had to become more independant and more proactive about taking care of the things that need to be taken care of. At Chatham, one of the things that bothered me was that I felt like someone was babying me or holding my hand at every turn. Here I have to do a lot on my own, and be more responsible. The professors here don't dispense extensions as readily as they did at Chatham, which it turns out is a blessing, because it means I don't put things off as much. Still, I miss it there... I miss knowing everyone, knowing automatically what the professors expect of me, knowing where all my friends are and who all my friends are, and just generally feeling like I have a place I can be comfortable in.
Things are starting to progress with the spring break plans. It looks like me and 4 other people are going to pile into my car on Friday afternoon, drive down to San Francisco where 2 will be spending the break, and the rest of us will drive down to Big Bruddah Mikeys. My car will stay there, and he'll drive us to Sacramento airport on Saturday morning, each of us to fly off in different directions. The next Saturday we'll all be landing, and then make the same journey in reverse, to be back at school by Sunday afternoon. Now all I need is to order my plane tickets and give everyone else the go-ahead to do the same. This works out well for all of us, makes the drive a lot cheaper, and saves everyone some money all the way around.
I talked to my mom on the phone the other day, and she said that it's a possibility that her and my sister might be able to come up and visit me over Amie's spring break in April, which would be the second year in a row she'd be able to come visit me that way, though this year it's a bit closer. It might be hectic because I'll have a lot to do for school, but it would still be a much-enjoyed departure from the drudgery of the school schedule. Not sure how likely it is to happen, so at the moment I'm just crossing my fingers that it will.
Well, I have another class in a few minutes, so thats all for now.
Wednesday, January 22, 2003
so, some good things and some bad things...
bad thing: I have to read 500 pages a week.
worse thing: That's just one class.
good thing: That class has only 1 real writing assignment.
better thing: They're Victorian novels... i.e. brain candy.
bad thing: I've heard the word "gender" far too many times for one day.
worse thing: In three different classes today.
good thing: It's not so heavy handed as Chatham.
better things: At least I can carry one class into the others and earn brownie points for being "interdisciplinary."
good thing: Right now my course load seem like it's going to be manageable.
bad thing: Barely.
worse thing: I still have one 4 unit class I haven't gone to yet.
Monday, January 20, 2003
the tally so far:
Biology: 3 books, 1248 pages.
British Lit: 7 books, 4453 pages.
Dostoevsky: 4 books, 2229 pages.
Integ. of Masculinity and Feminity: 5 books, 1660 pages.
Colloquiums: 3 books, 492 pages.
total, so far: 22 books, 10082 pages.
oh yeah, and I'm not done yet.
by the way
HAPPY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!!!
to the four-legged cute monster.
and yes, it's delayed by a day because a) I was on the road yesterday, and b) I'm sure they won't be online for a few days anyway... ;)
so, todays agenda:
-weep over obscene amounts of money I have to spend on books
-venture to staples in search of longer ethernet cable
-curse for not doing this *last* semester
-have lunch with Michelle
-spend rest of day flipping through books to see what the hell I am getting myself into
Sunday, January 19, 2003
so I'm back at school.
and I really, REALLY wish I wasn't.
Friday, January 17, 2003
another one for the Lyrics I Love file...
Without You (from RENT)
The Ground Thaws
The Rain Falls
The Grass Grows
The Seeds Root
The Flowers Bloom
The Children Play
The Stars Gleam
The Eagles Fly
The Earth Turns
The Sun Burns
But I Die
The Breeze Warms
The Girls Smile
The Cloud Moves
The Tides Change
The Oceans Crash
The Crowd Roars
The Days Soar
The Babies Cry
The Moon Glows
The River Flows
But I Die
The World Revives
But I Know Blue
Within Me, Blue
The Hand Gropes
The Ear Hears
The Pulse Beats
The Eyes Gaze
The Legs Walk
The Lungs Breathe
The Mind Churns
The Heart Yearns
The Tears Dry
Life Goes On
But I'm Gone
Cause I Die
this makes me so mad I could spit...
Pledging to build a culture that respects life, President Bush is declaring a National Sanctity of Human Life Day.
they obviously forgot the fine print... you know, the stuff that reads "Offer invalid to inhabitants of the middle east and members of the US military."
link via Andy
Thursday, January 16, 2003
1) I just called and my glasses will be in this afternoon... wooohah!
2) leaving on Saturday instead of Sunday, splitting up the drive, and crashing at Mikey's. woot.
okay, so I've been crabby lately (read: for the last 3.5 weeks, approximately... or: since a few days after getting home.) to ballance out the last post o' bitchiness, I'm going to make a list of things I'm looking forward to, or just happy about in general...
1) that Dostoevsky class. I'm not sure why, but I just have a feeling I'm going to like Dostoevsky. at any rate, I'm crossing my fingers.
2) psych of women. yes, it sounds suspiciously Chatham-esque, but I like psych, and hopefully this will carry on that glorious tradition.
3) shooting my new bow. I've been looking at it for 2 weeks now, stringing it up every so often, but I haven't gotten to shoot it yet, and I'm dying to...
4) spring break. lets not forget that one, I am intensely excited about spring break. like by a lot.
5) hopefully getting a 4.0 again at the end of the coming semester. it's a goal, and goals make me happy.
6) I have another plan, which will henseforth be refered to as the ultra-secret plan. I'm not divulging info because I don't want to jinx myself, but lets just say I have a well-devised, well-outlined plan, and I hope to carry it out faithfully and reap good benefits.
7) so I'm going to make friends this semester, I've decided. because I'm sick of being bored when Michelle is busy. oh, and I'm in 8 freaking classes, so I'll be exposed to so many people I'll have no excuse NOT to make friends, dammit.
8) okay, I fully admit that I should NOT be looking forward to this... I know this is sick and depraved, but I'm really looking forward to buying my books on Monday... dammit, I like books, especially new books... and, like, I'm a big nerd an stuff...
9) maybe I'm not really excited so much as scared shitless about taking Bio this semester... but I was scared similarly shitless about pre-calc last year, and I kicked it's ass, so I am looking forward to kicking bio's ass. so nyah!
10) I'm finally going to hang out with OTB tomorrow, right after I see The Hours with my mom. tomorrow is shaping up to be a good day, especially since my glasses might be ready as well... I hope I hope I hope I hope I hope...
Wednesday, January 15, 2003
so, for my future reference, and to serve the purpose of letting off steam, stacywashere.com proudly presents, reasons why I hate being in this house:
1) anytime something goes missing, whether it's a towel or a pair of scissors or anything, really, my grandmother immediately goes into what I call "investigating Stacy" mode. phase one is to ask if I've seen it. when I invariably answer "no", I get a severe disapproving look, like how dare I not be forthcoming with my obvious and nefarious crime. phase two is to pretend to look elsewhere for it while she wait for me to vacate my primary dwelling area, at which point she digs through everything I own looking for it. phase three is when I hear her bitching to my mom/sister/uncle about how I lose things and then deny it. phase three involves my temper finally errupting and me yelling at her.
2) it's really, REALLY fucking creepy to wake up to various family members peering out windows at you. this includes both my grandmother and my uncle.
3) and why the hell should I love and respect my grandmother when she's violated my entire family my whole life, and before I was born? I think my anger and resentment toward her is entirely justified. but what am I told? "you really should be nicer to her", "please don't confront her about any of it, it won't do any good". riiiiiight. and why? because this is the woman who would rather go to her grave stubbornly protecting her dead husband than afford any of us closure for something which she could quite easily have stopped from happening in the first place.
4) everything in this house is dirty. I don't mean dusty or cluttered, though those things are also true, I mean dirty. I mean the sink is never actually clean, it always has bits of food in it, and the kitchen floor is sticky, and other various and sundry examples of general nastiness. it's disgusting, and I just don't understand it because my grandmother thinks it's her purpose in life to be forever cleaning, and if thats the case, then why is nothing ever clean?!?!? and then there's the fact that nothing has actually been thrown away since the mid-nineteen seventies, so we have way more crap than anyone has a right to have, and why? because my grandmother feels some strange fucking need to save EVERYTHINg... ugh...
Tuesday, January 14, 2003
so the shirt that smelled like you, you know, the shirt I used to curl up with every night? it doesn't smell like you any more, so I'm washing it with the rest of my clothes...
and you... I miss that room in Rea, where we used to stay up entirely too late listening to Wild Horses and watching the hypnotic and ever-so-slightly-saphic designs on my computer monitor, quoting movies and commedians, and laughing at my dumbass neighbors.
right now what I miss is being just a phone call away from hanging out with close friends. you know, instead of my friends being upwards of 2000 miles away, or extremely busy with school and obligations. I mean, there are people I haven't called, so I'm not exactly exhausting my options, but the people I used to hang out with are either a) using drugs, alcohol and sex to fuck up their lives and goals, or b) too self-important to call me or make real plans.
I can't wait for you to get back, so we can drive up to school, listening to RENT at obscene volumes, dancing around to Cecilia, and catching up about our vacations. I can't wait to start school so I can finish school.
Meh... Calgon take me away, indeed.
Monday, January 13, 2003
so things are a bit better than in my last post.
went out to visit my dad & company once more before I go back. I felt more comfortable this time. maybe it's just me, maybe I'm getting more used to the idea of them being part of my life again. I was also thinking about it, and maybe it's possible that while I was feeling rejected by my dad that I was doing things to make him feel rejected to. In any case, my goal is to put as much of the hurt and resentment behind me, because holding onto it is just not doing me any good. In some ways it's hard, like I wish we could just sit down and talk through everything, and figure out why he's done things and why I've done things, but I don't know if we'll ever be able to be that open with one another. at any rate, even if I doubted it, it was easy to see in his mannerisms that he does care a lot and love me, so even if we can't talk things out I can still forgive him for mistakes he's made. he said he's very proud of me, when I told him about my grades, which was really nice to hear.
it was nice to see and hang out with my brothers again too. I got to go driving with Joey, which didn't give us a whole lot of time to talk, but it was still cool. I think it will be a while before they, especially Joey, trust that I'm going to keep in touch like I've said I will, because I said the same thing last time and didn't follow through with it. It was harder to be there when I was younger, for a lot of reasons, and when I hit an age where I was able to say "no more", I did, and it was easier to just not face it. I guess in some ways I can see what might have kept my dad from being there for me more. but if thats true, then I also know how the other side of it feels, and it's even more important to me that I not fall into the same pattern, so I'm going to try and be as close, to my brothers especially, as I can be.
I'll be leaving for school either Saturday night or Sunday morning, depending on what time Michelle gets here on Saturday. if we leave on Saturday we'll stay at Mikey's that night and get to school on Sunday. if we leave on Sunday, it's straight through. I'll miss my mom and my sister, but I really can't wait to leave. being in this house drains me a lot, especially being around my grandmother. besides, the sooner I get back to school, the sooner the semester will be over. and if there's one thing I can't wait for while I'm waiting to graduate, it's summer. and before that, spring break. I'm kind of glad I have so many classes. the busier I am at school, the faster the time will go and the less time I will spend thinking about how much I miss everyone.
my glasses will be ready on Thursday or Friday. this is what they look like. hopefully that anti-glare coating will make the drive up easier, not to mention reading off the computer.
I'm back on the happy yellow pills. my curse will end soon.
Saturday, January 11, 2003
I should have stayed in bed this morning.
woke up to excrusciating cramps, and other gruesome bodily problems. someone effing shoot me already, please? this is fucking ridiculous. am I really destined to spend one quarter of my life curled up in the fetal position? I'm not sure it's worth it anymore. maybe I should just go off the damn birth control and let myself bleed to death already.
realized my mom forgot to leave me the costco card. this fact was initially redeemed by the fact that you don't need it to get an eye exam. it was unredeemed by the fact that you need it to order a pair of effing glasses, so I had to pay an extra $45 that I don't have to get a membership there so I could order my damned glasses. ugh. I hate money. I hate people.
oh yeah, on the way there some fuck in a mustang almost fucking hit my car, like within inches, illiciting a slew of expeletives from me. stupid jackass.
and then there was the fact that I was late because I hit every. fucking. red. light. on. the. way. there.
but I got my effing exam, and I ordered my effing glasses, and I have no more effing money, but at least I'll be able to see and read next semester without getting headaches. and I even paid the extra money for anti-glare coating as recommended by the eye doctor, because I hate glare when I'm driving at night, and it's for people who use computers a lot too, which is definitely me. hey, it's cheaper than buying a glare screen for my monitor, and it works while driving too, so bonus. so I guess the day hasn't been a tota waste. and I don't think the dr was bullshiting or trying to rip me off because he recommended an incredibly cheap remedy for an apparent bacterial thing. I guess if you get that stuff in your eyes in the morning, you can use baby shampoo on a wet washcloth, close your eyes and clean around your eyelashes, and it prevents the bacteria that causes it from causing any damage to your eyes or getting any worse. who knew.
meh. I hurt :(
Thursday, January 09, 2003
so, some updates on me:
- oh boy, I am once again battling my monthly curse. just remember that I can't be held responsible for anything I say or do until about next Tuesday. at the earliest.
- Woot. I get to get my eyes checked, finally. And hopefully I'll even be able to afford to get glasses, which I know I need because of the nagging headaches I've been fighting off for about the last 6 months.
- Screw feminism, I am completely in awe of the moms at my sisters dance studio. I am strong and independant, but I am brought to my knees by things like weepy children with loose teeth and shopping for clothing with my sister. And today I saw these women working together like a well-oiled machine to put together lunch and snacks for an after-funeral gathering at the house of one of their number. about 40 people crowded into this place and the moms had everyone fed and comfortable in record time. astounding.
- road raged today at the obscenely rude driver of a ridiculously huge and obviously-meant-to-compensate-for-other-things hummer. road raged more at same driver. stupid jerk.
- if I get another 4.0 in one more semester and at least a 3.8 in the other two, I'll graduate Magna Cum Laude. High honors, bebbe.
and thats it. damn I'm boring.
heh... for your reading enjoyment, things my girlfriend and I have argued about
so, heehee, today is five months.
*insert goobery squealing noises here*
as you were.
well, let's see... I haven't gotten on the good old soapbox for a while, so why not do that now?
from Andy, it seems a list of the companies who supplied Iraq with weapons or supplies to further their weapons development has be leaked, as reports like that often do... excuse me whilst I heave violently.
I don't know how widely this has been put out there, but right now in southern california we have these commercials that insinuate that if you drive an SUV, you're supporting terrorism, and goddamn if it hasn't sent a bug up the asses of half the effing state. they're all talking about how "it's gone too far now" and that it has nothing to do with terrorism, and it's really pissing me off, to be quite frank. last year there were commercials stating that if you did drugs you were supporting terrorism, and no one said anything about it being wrong, and if you ask me, I think gas-guzzling SUV's support terrorism far more than drugs do (and you all know I'm not a drug supporter... I'm currently losing one of my long-term friends to drugs, so believe me, I hate them more than anyone.) The woman who produced these commercials, Arianna Huffington, made the point that if every one who buys an SUV bought a car or other vehicle getting a mere 3 mpg more fuel economy, it would make a huge dent in our oil dependancy on countries like Iraq. Personally I'd like to see the US spend half the money it's been wasting on "homeland security" on alternative fuel technologies. Of course, that won't happen because the Oil companies have a fucking death grip on the whitehouse, especially good ole' bush, who was born and raised in a marriage bed with them. It's fucking ridiculous, this war with Iraq stuff, and it's obvious that the only reason we're sticking our nose in there is for the oil. North Korea has been flagrantly disregarding arms treaties left and right and openly developing nuclear weapons, and we're not waging a war with them... why? because there's no oil there. so yes, I think owning an SUV, or any gas guzzler for that matter, is supporting terrorist nations, and thereby supporting terrorists, albeit indirectly. And the thing that makes me sick is that the same fucking people who have been buying into all the propaganda from the very begining are now getting pissed because someones insinuating they shouldn't have their huge fucking cars anymore... uhm, hello? One particularly irresponsible news anchor said it's "threatening their freedom." all I have to say to him is to go out and read the fucking US Patriot Act that got passed last year. Way to get outraged over something relatively insignificant, asshole.
Wednesday, January 08, 2003
oh, and are you ready for this? I'm putting Chatham on my fafsa, so I can see what financial aid they'll offer me. doesn't mean I'll go back, but I'm curious, so we'll see.
heehee... I just watched a 1985 Stratford Shakespeare Festival version of Twelfth Night, and guess who played Malvolio?
Ian fucking McKellen. OMG.... best. thing. ever.
Tuesday, January 07, 2003
could I be any more fucking ready to get out of this house?
why no, no I don't think I could.
Monday, January 06, 2003
I got a 4.0!!!!!
Sunday, January 05, 2003
Wooo... and now it's time for:
Another Damn Survey!
At midnight I kissed: no one
The first thing I ate this year: waffles with jam. and yes, my evil insane grandmother did ask what I was making.
The first thing I drank this year: knowing me, prolly milk
The first person who e-mailed me this year: prolly the boyfriend creature
The first person I e-mailed this year: see above
The first thing I watched on TV this year: brief snippits of the rose parade
The first song I listened to this year: not sure...
Five things that 2002 taught me:
1. 7 months is not enough time to bleed to death...
2. I am capable of opening up to the right people
3. best friends are still best friends even when they're way far away.
4. I miss my Chatham friends more than I used to miss the ocean.
5. I can face my past and come out stronger for it.
Five personally significant events of 2002:
1. London last January
2. Changing schools
3. Meeting Chris
4. Thanksgiving week. especially certain moments therein.
5. continually learning more things about myself
Five things I want to do in 2003:
1. Make visits to the best friend and the boyfriend creature.
2. make new friends at school, or at least do well in my classes.
3. get to know my brothers better.
4. get within one semester of graduating.
5. get a more solid idea of what happens after graduation.
Five things I don't want to do in 2003:
1. be as lonely as I have been.
2. doubt myself as much as I always have.
3. argue with important people over unimportant things.
4. slack off in school.
5. lower my course load.
Five people who I would like to know better in 2003:
2. the boyfriend creature.
3. my sister.
4. my brothers.
5. new friends.
so, uhm, what year is it again?
it seems so crazy, that it's now 2003. almost a year since that pivotal trip to London last January. when I think about all that has happened in the past year it almost makes my head spin. I changed schools, for better or worse, moved across the country, met the one and only best boyfriend ever creature, and loads of other stuff. compared to last year at this time my life is barely recognizable from what it was. some things I wish were different... like sometimes I wish I were still at Chatham where everything felt normal, instead of at Humboldt where I only know a few people and still haven't gotten comfortable yet. but then again, it's 20K a year less expensive, so, yeah... other changes and milestones have been more enjoyable ;)
I'm so tired right now it's insanity even. chasing 6 kids around Disneyland all of yesterday wore me out good, but I had a really good time. it was really nice to be able to hang out and get to know my brothers better. I'm prolly gonna go out and visit again next weekend, hopefully get to hang out with my oldest little brother since he couldn't come out this time. it's nice to have the other half of my family back, I have to admit. all in all, things are going pretty well with that.
and now I'm home and its quiet again, and I have some recovery time from all that running around and fun-having-ness. someones taking a bubble bath tonight. oh yeah.
Saturday, January 04, 2003
the numbers that shape my world.
so, currently under this roof, there are 6 kids aged 14 and under... they include the follwing:
3 of my sisters friends, ages 6, 10, and 13.
2 of my brothers, ages 10 and 14.
and my sister, age 10
2 are sleeping peacefully and have been since I asked them to lay down at about 10:30 (those would be the brothers).
the other 4 are in the living room, and I think they have finally started to go to sleep, let us hope.
we have watched 1.5 movies, pulled 1 tooth, and had 1 misunderstanding, which has since been resolved.
I currently owe my sanity to the 1 and only boyfriend creature.
tomorrow, me, the 6 currently in the house, 1 more (age 14, if memory serves), and 3 real actual moms are going to Disneyland for about 14 hours.
I am about to go tell the 4 wakeful girls to go to sleep for the 5th time.
Wednesday, January 01, 2003
would someone kindly either kill me or get me the fuck out of this house already? my grandmother is driving me absofrigginlutely mad, and I swear if I have to talk to her or look at her one more effing time today I'm going to lose it. this woman does the same shit every fucking day every goddamned time I'm here. if something is missing, I'm automatically the one she harrasses about it. I let her know I was taking a towel out of the bathroom because it's one of mine that I left here and she had to fucking examine it like I'm conspiring against her to steal one of her fucking towels. and I swear to god I can't even fucking eat anything without her looming over me asking what I'm eating. and every fucking time she does it, I get pissed off and yell at her for it. and every fucking time I yell at her she gets all mad like she can't believe I'm yelling at her, and I don't know why she doesn't stop if she doesn't want me to yell at her. I mean, if you get yelled at for something every time you do it you either love being yelled at or you're off your fucking gourd for expecting any other reaction. she looms over me all the fucking time, thinking she's being all sly about it but I can hear her breathing. and sometimes she'll sit in the living room just coughing and clearing her throat really loud and pathetic like, just to make sure we don't forget she's there. or like this morning she was sitting at the table and just kept shouting the same fucking orders over and over again, telling me to do things thinking I was my mother even though we kept telling her I wasn't. and sometimes she'll forget if you told her you already did something and keep bugging you to do it. ARGH... and you know what? yes, maybe I am a bitch for taking this attitude about it but this fucking woman has victimized my entire family my whole life so no, I don't have any pity for her... especially when she would go through my stuff from junior high up to now looking for stuff to get me in trouble with my mother, or when I had to listen to her start laying the same fucking guilt trips on my sister that she did on me, starting when my sister was like three years old. I just want to get the fuck out of this house and know that I don't ever have to go back for any length of time. I remember now why I left in the first place.