- got my second paper back in Dostoevsky. got an A! woot woot!
- went and made an appointment with financial aid to figure out all this unit cap stuff, just so I don't have to wait until I actually hit the unit cap.
- my tutee told me that I go above and beyond the call of duty for him... it was cool.
- filled out my pay voucher for tutoring... get paid in about 2 weeks. woooot.
- went through more of my crap today... I decided that I'm going to go through things with the question in mind "do I want to pack this or make room for it in my car?" if the answer is no, to the trash it goes...
okay, going to bed now, to dream of my boyfriend taking down drug cartels... he better not be wearing a suit like something out of miami vice...
posting will probably be quite infrequent for a while. finals are coming up, I have a superhuman amount of reading to accomplish, to say nothing of the papers I must write and the other obligations I have to fulfill. I have also reached a turning point of sorts, though I don't know what precisely will happen. whether things will change for the better or go back to the way they were a year ago is still anyones guess. all I know is that I can't remain as I am much longer. I will hopefully post more this summer than in those preceding it, but I make no promises either way. I plan to keep myself very busy this summer, if for no other reason than my sanity requires it.
gee, I fucking love it when those employed by the state of California to provide me with an education lie to me.
Monday, April 07, 2003 2:36 PM
From: Patricia Xxxxxxx To: xxxxx
Subject: RE: Biology 105
I'm assuming you are planning to take a chem course that transfers for our Chem 109. I will give you a magic number (when it is time for you to register), with the understanding that you successfully complete this course this summer. Understand that if you don't, you will most likely not do very well in BIOL 105 in the fall. Let me know what lab section you want and when you register, and I'll email you numbers. Please use them as soon as you can, so I can keep track of our numbers,
-- Patricia (Patty) XXXXXXX
Department of Biological Sciences
Humboldt State University
Arcata, CA 95521
so am I fucking halucinating, or did she not tell me that she would give me the magic numbers so that I could enrol in bio 105? I emailed her back to let her know when I was going to register and which lab section I wanted to take, and she didn't write me back, so I went to see her today, and she fucking told me that "she doesn't do that." but neverthefucking less, she emailed me less than a month ago and told me that she would. she told me to email her again over the summer and send some sort of proof of how I'm doing in the chemistry course and that she might be able to help me then, but why the fuck would I want to take a class from a woman who tells me one thing and then later pulls a complete 180? and she told me not to worry because they've always been able to accomodate people on this in the past, but thats easy for her to say when her graduation date is not the one thats on the line, now, isn't it? she's not the one with a unit cap to worry about, or other responsibilities connected with when I graduate now is she? and she looked at me like I was psycho when I was visibly upset and when I called her on it. &*#$(@!)^(@!)^#&*@!)$^&*#@)#$@!&^*()
I'm going to find out who is teaching the other section of bio 105, because right now I really just would rather do anything than take a class from this woman, who I am giving the 2003 Lack of Integrity Award.
Hopefully she'll email me those numbers, though I'm starting to think that it might be better to take two years anyway, in addition to the summers, just to take as many science classes as I can. Not sure though, may change my mind on that, we'll see what happens.
so I've been a good girl all weekend and gotten about 400 pages worth of reading done, and sat knitting that ridiculous scarf in the yarn that I can't stand because I told someone I would do it. and I went out for an Easter dinner with Michelle and Lily, and had a blast pounding the table, thinking of different ways to make a ten-peso wooden cow endlessly amusing. the end of the semester is fast approaching, and I can't wait to go home and spend it with my mom and sister, take a few classes, and be there to hopefully pick up my Steevie at the airport when he gets back from Australia. I'll knit tons, and paint, and maybe get around to working on that story I started a few years ago. I'll go to the beach and be spiritual and go for long drives with friends and drink coffee at Denny's at 3am on random Tuesdays. I'll let my sister rope me into going to Disneyland since I still have one free pass left, and I told her we would go sometime, just her and I. and I'll sleep in that bed by myself, but at least I won't have to share the room with anyone. And maybe I'll rebuild my site, and take millions of pictures, but maybe none of me, and I'll think about all the things that have changed in the past year and all the things that haven't.
and maybe I'm too impatient, and maybe you're not impatient enough, and maybe I'll pretend it's the summer from two years ago, before I was really alive.
so, I'm back. the mamma and Amie are gone, prolly in central california, nearing southern california by now, depending on how many stops they've made. I miss them already.
spent most of the time swimming with my sister. I took her to bio lab with me, and now she wants to be a scientist again (though truth be told, I think it was animal planet that did it, more than bio lab.) she's learning to knit now, and not doing so bad at it so far, really... I told her if she practices and learns her stitches and her tension is good enough, I'll teach her how to make a hat this summer. I also told her I'd teach her what I've learned in biology this semester.
so I think I figured something out about this unexpected shift in my education. I've reached the end of my capacity as an English major. I do well on all my papers (well, eventually... *grumbles* stupid professor), with minimal effort, I know how to do literary analysis and all that stuff, my reading comprehension is high, blah blah blah... so nothings new and I haven't really learned anything in a while, and bio is filling that gap, giving me a chance to learn something that's not common sense. I talked to the bio advisor, he said if I do well in chem 107 there's a good chance I won't even have to take chem 109, and that a lot of the prereq's may not be needed, which could potentially mean that I could do it in 3 semesters, and maybe even take a few extra bio/zoology classes so that I have a little stronger of a background when applying to grad schools. we'll see how it works out. all I know is that I'm doing it, and lets just hope the process is as painless as possible.
so I got tons of goodies... tons of beautiful yarn, and little sleeping dragon, socks and underthingies, lots more knitting goodies, books to brush up on chem before I take it, and I dyed my hair (my mom bought the dye, because I let her pick the color... it's not bad, just different.. I think I'm gonna keep it like this, since she likes it and so far everyone says it looks good...)
all in all, can't wait for the end of the semester, can't wait to get home. will prolly spend the whole summer taking classes so I hope fuzzy can come visit me, if not hopefully we'll figure something out. I'm tired, and I want my mom and sister to come back because now I'm all lonely and things are reaching critical mass with the living situation. that, and I think I'm going to sleep for about a week when I get home. meh.
I really think I have seasonal affective disorder. I know this is kind of coming out of left field and all, but I think that if you go through and read my blog for the last two years, I am generally stable spring, summer, and early fall, and once the colder weather hits and all that, I start to take a turn for the more eeyore like behavior that I've come to dread in myself. At any rate, it's spring now, and in general I'm feeling better about life than I have since I first got here, so I'm going to ride the upswing and talk about the last few semesters in terms of the good stuff... growth, progress, those things that are hard when you're going through them but really surprising and sometimes inspiring when you look back on them.
so, change is scary to me. it's big and mean, and in this case it's felt really isolating. it doesn't help that I'm in a relatively remote area far from the majority of my friends and all of my family. and I rebelled so much against meeting new people, but I finally gave that up about a month or so ago, and you know what? this place is full of really cool people, and so many different kinds of people, that it seems ridiculous for me to sequester myself away and cling to what was a year ago. for a while I was thinking of going back to Chatham, but the more I think about it the more I think that that would be impossible. there are so many options here, for conversation with random people, for classes, for offbeat activities and the like, that I think going back to Chatham would be like voluntarily crawling back into a cage. the limits on me here are the ones I've put on myself. maybe now that I realize that I can start branching out a bit more.
over the last year, I've somehow lost the apathy regarding my grades and my academic development that I used to have. I'm turning into a big nerd, it's true, and I'm sure it's offputting to a lot of people that I get so excited about learning, but I feel like this is how I should have been all along. I am so excited about this biology minor, I hope it all works out right and that I can really do it the way I've mapped out, without a lot of drama with scheduling. I'm encountering a lot of science department snobbery ("an english major wants to take heavy science classes? pshaw, go back to your literary analysis, Shakespeare Girl.") from some of the faculty, but if anything this makes me want to do it and do it well even more. I know I can do this, even if I have to bust my ass at it. And other students, especially a lot of the female friends I've been making, many of whom are in the sciences, have been really supportive of me, and that really helps. All of this is still developing, of course, so more on it as it happens. For now, lets just say that I've become excited about my education again, not just about graduating with a little piece of paper that says that I'm in an ass-load of debt a college graduate.
Speaking of female friends, I was just thinking about this, and I think it was going to Chatham that taught me how to be friends with girls. In my pre-Chatham era, most of my friends were guys. That changed when I got there, and I have mostly female friends now (most of which are agonizingly far away *cough*Wendy*cough*Megan*cough*Amanda*cough*Victoria*cough* [and no, that list is not intended to be comprehensive, those are the ones with the weblogs I read on a daily basis, lol].) And now that I've returned to the coed universe, I'm still making mostly female friends, which is just fine with me. Some of my new friends are guys, but I think all I really need is my already-existing male friends *cough*Steve*cough*Patrick*cough*. Not sure what practical application this has on my existence in general, but I just happened to notice it. Yay, stream of consciousness.
I'm learning, slowly and almost imperceptibly to anyone but me, to be more comfortable with myself, and to be able to bring up What I Want out of life and out of situations, which is something I don't think I'd have been able to do in those situations before. I mean, I'm like anyone else. Sometimes What I Want is reasonable and perfectly natural for any rational human being, and sometimes What I Want is about as likely as freeing Tibet and about as rational as a this stupid war with Iraq, but the point is that I can assert what I want, whether or not I end up getting it, because everyone has a right to do this. Yes.
Can you tell the Psych of Women class has taken a hold of me lately? Michelles right, maybe it is affecting me, LoL.
Anyway, the Mamma and the Sister are getting here, most likely tomorrow afternoon, I hope I hope I hope I hope I hope, and I can't wait to see them and hug them and hang out with them and get the hell off campus and out of my room for a while, and hug them again, and hang out with them and go adventuring with them and and and... stuff :)
Posting will prolly be light until next week sometime, although I wouldn't stake my life on it.
morning started out bad, in the disheartening sort of way...
have been running around straight from 9am to now, and until 7pm without a break of more than 15 minutes (and even only one of 15 minutes)... not sure even the short ones counted as breaks as they involved me running from point a to point b to be in the right places at the right times.
I'm tired, and getting cranky, and feeling unnoticed and secondary.
I feel better. Went out for late night dinner with Michelle. Got Taquitos. Taquitos = good.
Feel like an ass because I think I inadvertantly made things more difficult for fuzzy. He's the one thing I look forward to on a daily basis, as well as just in general, and I think thats a lot of pressure to put on one person... plus there's the fact that I'm a total basketcase a good majority of the time and, well, I really really haven't a clue as to why he puts up with me like he does. I think without him I wouldn't have that really importnat feeling... you know, the "one-day-all-this-bullshit-will-be-worth-it" feeling, about school, about the bio minor, about a lot of things. I try really hard to keep it together and not get so depressed all the time, and I try to focus on school and on why I'm putting out all this effort and whatnot, but then I think things like "I really wish I could watch him sleep right now", and I just lose it.
didn't get much accomplished on that list yet tonight, but a) I took a four hour nap, which I really truly desperately needed, b) I just ate so I can't really go to sleep anyway, and c) because of a and b I think I've got the energy to stay up a while and try to get some things done. not sure how much, but I need to whittle away at that list a little bit.
2 days until Mom and Amie. 2 days 2 days 2 days.
my new mantra: darth fuzzy, piwaket, and eve. darth fuzzy, piwaket, and eve. darth fuzzy, piwaket, and eve.
so this whole bio minor thing is turning into such drama, taking me on this ridiculous roller coaster ride of "I can do it in 3 semesters! Woot!" and then "Shit, it's going to take 2 years after all. Fuck." The catelog, which I just bought a new copy of mine since mine seems to have up and vanished, confirms my determination that I can in fact do it in 3 semesters, but the paper the minor advisor gave me says otherwise, so I think the two of us are gonna hafta have words on this. But at any rate the prereq's for the upper level Zoology classes I'll have to take have changed to become more accomodating, so either way I should be able to do it in 3 semesters, provided I can take 3 classes per summer, which seeing as I'm handling 7 right now, seems rather promising. In any case, if this minor advisor says I can't do it, I at least have the catalogue to back me up now, because honestly, I'm not in the mood to deal with any bullshit here, and I'm not prepared to sacrifice 5 months of my life to someone elses inflexibility, so nyah!
finished that fucking Dostoevsky paper at about 3am, got a whole whopping 4 hours of sleep, and I am so ready to crash and burn right now but I have to go tutor soon and then I have an appt with the dr to give me more happy hormone pills, so I won't get to catch any shuteye until at least 3:30, but prolly have to stick it out until tonight, alas. so if I'm crabby or grouchy it's because I didn't get enough sleep and my body is not wanting to cooperate anymore.
mom and Amie are getting here either Thursday or Friday (last time I talked to them it was still up in the air, so we'll see) and I can't wait to see them, heehee! with the momma and the sister and the hugs and the happy and the getting off campus....
it's times like these, when I'm stressed out and tired and lonely, that I could really really benefit from having a small furry critter to pet and tease with yarn and stuff. maybe a little black furry critter. a little black furry critter named Piwaket, with yellow eyes and the power of telekenesis.
I've been productive today. found out who the bio minor advisor is, and am hoping to get to stop by his office sometime during lab, because thats the only time during the week that he's there. so, yeah. getting a lil bit closer, baby steps, right? emailed the bio 105 prof about enrolling in the class before I complete Chemistry so as to expedite my progress, will report what she says when I get a response.
finish Demons finish article for Brit Lit presentation (finished mostly) start at least a little of my bio study guide study for bio lab quiz
write Demons paper, if no response from prof clarify whether presentation is on Wednesday or Friday for brit lit(it's on Friday, btw) continue taking notes/whatever for brit lit presentation work a little more on bio study guide start reading Last Chronicle of Barset see about getting bio advisor(found out who the minor advisor is, going to try and catch him in his office today.)(met with him briefly, must make an apointment for further guidance) see about getting magic number to enroll in bio 105 for fall. (found out who the prof is, emailing her now)(she emailed me back: she'll let me enroll!!! WOOOOOOOTT!!!!)
This Week (as in, before Mom and Amie get here on Friday):
finish bio study guide for test
finish demons paper, no matter when it's due write paper for psych of women class write paper for womens studies (started... about 1/2 done) get some reading done on Last Chronicle of Barset, Brothers Karamozof, and Ceremony get a better idea about the bio minor stuff (working on this)
just got out of meeting with my advisor, and she ok'd the substitution since it means the difference in a semester/year for me, and since it's due to budget cuts and all that, so the choice of to minor or not to minor still remains, but I think if I decide to do the minor and take as many classes as possible at a JC over the summers, I can cut down on the amount of extra time, and get out of here with only one extra semester. I'm not 100% positive on this, so I'll have to go through and check it all out. At any rate, I can do chem 109 and human genetics in the fall with my load of english courses and not be behind, really, for graduation in the spring of next year if thats what I elect to do. so woot woot. more updates as it happens.
p.s. I love you fuzzy, but lets not test that love with intollerable pet-names, mmmkay? *kiss*
now it looks like the opposite problem, really. because of budget cuts, I may have to stay an extra year to get the english classes I need to graduate, because there's no way I can take 3 heavy heavy lit classes in one semester without killing myself. so I have to talk to my advisor tomorrow about possibly substituting one very similar class for another, because my brit lit prof told me they've allowed it before. if I can do that I can either a) graduate in one year, or b) do the minor and graduate in a year and 1 semester.
I talked to my mom today, about going to school over the summer at a JC, and she said we can manage, with me not working and the cost of taking classes, which is good to know. I think she's happy about the possibility of me being home the whole summer, and I think she's excited about the possibility of the minor, and I think she's really glad that very soon I'll have done with this whole undergraduate college thing and she'll be able to see me graduate. I cannot express how utterly impossible all the accomplishments I've made would be without my mother. if I'm well educated, or if I'm going to graduate with honors, or if I have any sort of future at all, it's only because my mom has been there supporting me and pushing me and guiding me all along.
and so really, I'm not any closer to gaining that oh-so-elusive clue as to what's going to happen over the next few years.
have a made a decision yet? why no, thanks for asking, but it's fucking great because I DON'T HAVE TO!
why this revelation? well, it just so happens that 2 general ed requirements that I need to fulfill anyway are happily met by 2 classes that could also be applied to the minor I'm so torn over... so I can take these classes this semester, and if I decide to do the minor, fine, I've started it... and if I decide not to do the minor, thats fine too, because I'll still be on track to graduate at the end of the year if I decide to take that route.
lets just hope I'm not overlooking anything.
edited 2:11am: of course there's one small thing about this... because one of the classes is 5 units instead of 3 (like most of the other options for filling that gen ed req.) it throws off the units just so slightly which would still put me just a lil bit behind... but if I can take a couple of classes over summer, I should be able to compensate for this... hopefully... maybe... we'll see.
after a long discussion, I'm still no closer to knowing for sure.
as of this moment, 11:47 at night, I'm leaning towards yes, I'll take the minor. this is subject to change.
as far as grad school? well, there's marine bio, bio, molecular bio, genetics, zoology, and a million other things that I can do depending whats available where I am. and maybe it's the late hour or whatever, but I think I'd pretty much be happy doing any of them.
so now it's just the question of the extra year. is it worth it? and seriously, if the other route, the one of applying as an undeclared graduate student, if that's available anywhere, then is the minor really necessary? questions to ponder, and maybe consult Milt Boyd about...
so my steevie called me this morning with some good news, some reflections, some questions, and some devils advocating... I so need to go driving with him or drink coffee with him or sit under the bridge in Penn Park talking about life with him. cuz seriously, this decision I have to make is pretty huge and I don't know what to do, because I don't feel like I have all the info, but let me break it down as it stands so far:
I could do Marine Bio
I could deversify my career options
it will delay my graduation, which considering the state of the economy and job market, maybe be either a good or bad things, so I'm putting this in both categories
I'd get to study science, which sounds sooo good to me
I could get a masters in the sciences
it would take me longer to graduate
which means I'd be farther from fuzzy for longer
and I'd be far from my family too
which is a bad combination
it would cost more because of the extra year
there might be a unit cap on financial aid, I have to check on that
I might be able to do some of my classes at a JC over the summer if I can afford it
but then if I take classes over the summer it limits the possibility of me seeing fuzzy over the summer unless he comes out to CA
also have to find out which schools will admit me to a masters program with only a bio minor
one school (I think it was UCSB or UCSD, can't remember and don't want to check right now) said I could apply to grad school as an undeclared masters degree candidate, take the science classes then and then declare an MS Marine Bio or Bio major and do it that way, meaning I could finish up here next year and still do the sciences for masters with an English BA, but I don't know how many or what schools would let me do that, meaning I'd be limited as far as where I could go to school...
so yeah, thats how things are now. I'll post more later, probably, and for the next few weeks leading up to registration.
it's raining and it's raining and it's raining and it's raining and it's raining.... and I feel like maybe I died at some point and didn't notice... and I feel like I'm stranded on a deserted island in a sea of responsibility without a boat... and I feel like I have no mental gravity and no self-awareness more real than abstraction and introspection... and I wish someone would come and pull me out of myself
things are going well, except that a certain someone is driving me absolutely daft and making me really really long for the end of this freaking semester already.
classes are going okay, not too intense at the moment but thats mainly because I'm still out of give a shit and probably won't get any more until next semester.
speaking of next semeser, registration time is coming up, so I really need to decide if I'm going to go for a bio minor, because with prerequesites, I'll need to start like this coming semester on that. so if anyones got input on that, especially you fuzzy, I want to hear it. it's a big commitment at this point because if I want to graduate in a year, I have to decide now, because taking even one extra class towards that minor will mean that I'll be off track for graduating in a year and thus almost irrevocably locked into staying for at least an extra semester. so yeah, big decisions in the works.
in general, feeling better about being here, though last night it really started to hit me how much I miss the boyfriend creature. I've been so busy, first with all the traveling bullshit, and then with classes and stuff, that it took a three-day weekend to make me realize how much I miss him. and it sucks, because on some level everything feels wrong, or at least incomplete, without him around. I have a visit with the mama and the sister to look forward to in a little over a week, but still I kinda feel like one of my limbs is missing.
bio today was interesting, we talked about Cancer and stuff, and according to my prof, about 75% of all cancer cases are completely avoidable/preventable by making the right lifestyle choices... think I'll be reevaluating some stuff.
so how about it's warming up a bit, and the airs all clear and the sky is blue, and I can see the beach from my classroom windows. I think it's about time for some outdoor adventures in Stacy land, like 5 minutes ago. I am so taking one of the surfing classes next year, I've decided, and maybe a scuba class too, because I think they offer them here. If I'm gonna be a marine biologist, it's time for me to get reaquainted with my ocean, after all. Anyone care to join me?
and I'm burning to see my best friends again, and I'm effing thrilled down to my toes that one may be heading back to these parts soonish-like. seriously, it would do wonders for my sanity, and you know who you are. I don't like being biased, especially when it's a big decision for you and all, but seriously, it has the potential of making next year a whole lot brighter for yours truly. Imagine all the trouble we could get into fun we could have! ;) besides, mamushka misses you.
summer needs to be here already, and I just want to have everything figured out, you know? like not up in the air anymore, but I guess this is one of those "live is a journey, not a destination" type of situations. and it's okay, I mean, I'm uncomfortable with uncertainty, but it doesn't do any good to worry about things you can't really control, and maybe this will teach me a wee bit of patience and initiative, right?
oh yeah, and I went to the dr, and she said that there's really nothing wrong with my ear or throat, and she thinks that the problem is that I'm grinding my teeth at night, which is causing my jaw joint to be inflamed and making stuff around it, like my ear and throat, hurt. so she gave me happy green pills that work longer than the excedrine I've been taking, like for 12 hours even, and I took one today and I feel very relaxed. she said it may be stress related even, which makes sense, you know, since I'm still getting used to that fish-out-of-water feeling, and the end of the semester approaching all too quickly, you know? so yeah, hopefully this stuff will work since I really can't afford to go to the dentist. which reminds me, I really need to be applying for medical already, so I can get me some health insurance.
oh, and my domain name runs out in like 40 days, and I may or may not have the fundage to renew it, so bookmark the other url, just in case, if you haven't already.