so I'm apparently 70.4% pure.

So where do I begin? Things have really changed since I last posted... like drastically even.

Most of you who read this will have already heard from me exactly what it was I remembered. I think I've told pretty much all of my friends, so I don't feel the need to post about it in depth... Maybe I will at one point. It has to do with when my grandfather molested my cousin, but that's all I'll say except to clarify that it's not that I was molested to, because that seems to be the assumption that everyone is jumping to. Suffice it to say that it was traumatic enough to be virtually burried for 18 years, but not so traumatic that it will ever defeat me again. It's out now, in the open... A lot of people know, now, and there's no taking it back or repressing it now, which I tend to think is a good thing. There were a few people that I was afraid to tell, but they've been really supportive. It's wierd how you can fear something, and know in your heart of hearts that the fear is irrational and ridiculous, but still be so afraid that you tremble before it. Strange thing, the human psyche, to make you doubt what you know to be true.

I called my mom to tell her, and she was busy when I first called, so I had to wait and call her and tell her about 45 minutes later. Before and during the first call, I felt okay, like I could get through it without being all weepy and pathetic. But then I had to wait, and the fears crept up on me... what if she doesn't believe me? what if she still defends my grandparents over me? what if she won't accept it at all? And I knew this to be ridiculous, just as anyone who has actually met my mother and seen us together would know that this is ridiculous... My mom and I are probably the closest we've been, maybe ever, and she has never really failed me. We've hit our rough patches, but when it really counts, and when I really need her to be supportive of me and take me at my word, she always does this without fail. And this time was no different. It's odd, kind of, I don't know that it's really registered with her yet, and I think it will take time for her to really let it sink in. After I told her she ranted about how she thinks my aunts handled it wrong, that it would have been better to make him go into intensive treatment rather than prison. I tend to agree with her, because he was only in prison for three years, and they only made him get treatement in the last six months of his sentence... plus, even when he was forced to go to counseling, he wasn't forced to talk about the abuse or molestation, he could talk about anything he wanted, so what good does that do? Looking back, after being off the phone, I can see where she was going with this... At first it didn't seem to have anything at all to do with what I remembered, but then I remembered that the anxiety and wierdness, for me, started after he was arrested, when I got scared that if I ever told her what happened that I would go to jail too... I think she was saying that maybe if he'd gone to counseling instead, maybe it would have come out then and not 18 years later. I let go and told her how afraid I've been for the last few days that she'd get mad at me or not believe me, and she didn't even bother to lecture me about being old enough to know better that she wouldn't react that way, she just said she loves me and that nothing will change that, which I think is what I most needed to hear. And we went on and talked about other things, didn't dwell on it too much really. I think there will be more conversations about this in the future when we've both had time to mill it over.

And now I feel, to a certain degree, like the worst part of this is over. Fear of being thought a freak or rejected because this happened, or of some horrible punishment are all part of the reason my brain put this whole thing in quarantine, and now that can't happen anymore. The memory hit me, and I cried for four hours thinking about it, and thinking about how it's been lurking there, such a deep secret that I couldn't even think of it myself, to a certain degree dictating how I live my life. And it can't be that way, ever again... There's a certain strength, I think, in facing something like this the way I've done, and I feel like I've taken back control of myself to a certain degree. I could have just forgotten it again, but then maybe it would have haunted me even more. When I finally calmed down a bit, I went and I told the only friend of mine who was online because, it seems ridiculous, but I was afraid if I didn't tell someone that I would forget again by the time I woke up in the morning, and I knew at that point that remembering was crucial if I was going to take control of the situation. And now I can learn to accept it and move on... I don't think I'll ever be able to fully get rid of the effects it's had on the person I am, and I don't know that I'd want to. But I can accept it as a part of my history, and a bad experience that I'm going to master.

Next up in the neurosis ring, my father, and convincing myself that I'm worthy of being loved...

Did I say it was an interesting night before 2am? Cuz it only got moreso after that... I remembered something from my childhood that should have stayed forgotten, but out it came and now I have to deal with it... Thank everyone who got me through... without that patience and understanding I'm not quite sure I would have made it through today... I did go to the counciling center, talked to a shrink and set up another appointment. I'm not sure it really accomplished much, but it helps to hear the things you already know coming from someone elses mouth. I have another appointment, with someone different, a week from Monday. One of my professors knows, so I'm covered in case I slip in the academic arena, but I don't forsee that happening as school will only help me to take my mind off of things. The biggest thing, I think, is to figure out where I stand with this. Like the shrink said, I have to find my own way of making sense out of this.

Well, it's been an interesting night.

I think I tend to bury things that bother me, and not really deal with any of it, or really work through it. Like things with my dad, or my grandparents, or losing my aunt, or just general fears of abandonment. My whole life I've been doing this, really, and no one or anything has ever posed a challenge to that. There's been no scratching of the surface, or efforts to really break down the safety walls that I, like most people, have been building for my entire life. So while, to outward appearances, I am pretty normal, it's only by a conscious act of avoidance that I stay "strong." Well, that's crumbling for me right now, and it makes me feel like I'm going to crumble right along with it.

I've known for a while that depression runs in my family. My uncle had it really bad before I was born, and he still fights with it all the time, and then my mom fell victim when I was about 17-ish. But the thing is, I've been fighting various bouts of it for a lot of my life, and I've always, always been able to force myself out of it. But this time it's different, and I can't do it like I did before. There's so much built up, and so much at stake, that I really can't handle this on my own, and it scares the living piss out of me.

So I've decided to go to the counceling office at my school and make an appointment. In some ways it feels like I'm admitting defeat, but you know what? Screw that. If it's time for Stacy's Big Catharsis, well, I'm gonna need help making sense of all this shit in my head. So I'm really going to do this. And for my friends out there, the people who know me, please hold me accountable for this. If I get apathetic about it, bitch at me to go. Don't let me out of it easily.

Sometimes it's amazing to me, the extreme highs and lows I can experience in any given time frame. Like a few days ago I was practically bouncing off the walls at the idea of Wendy being here, and how much I'm dying to see her and all that. And today everything is just making me sink like a stone, for no good reason. It always seems so arbitrary, you know? Like today was a good day, really... I met with that Anthro group I mentioned before, and it's this awesome opportunity... Freed from the midterm and final, and put into groups with other people who like really thinking about things in depth, and given enormous freedom to explore virtually limitless topics, all of which are incredibly interesting (one was Science, Magic, and Religion... right up my alley, no?) And I'm in a group with this guy I met in Archery, and had an amazing conversation with. These people are my academic soul mates, really, they like engaging with knowledge, and I'm really, really looking forward to this... But today I just feel like shit, like nothing is okay and never will be okay.

This happens to me sometimes at home, where I just continually sink deeper and deeper into an abyss of apathy and loneliness, and nothing feels worth the effort, and I just surround myself with emptiness... But normally I can pull myself out of it... force myself to go out and do something, hang out with friends, or go to my favorite places or whatever... But there's nothing here for me to grab ahold of, no way to pull myself out now, not for the next 29 days, at any rate...

So I guess I'll continue to sink and hope I can make it that long.

So here's the deal. I have to play tour guide starting in about 29 days.. (Holy Shit!!!! 29 days!!!!! We're in the twenties already? Where did all those days go?!?), and I would like a little advice from my Southern California people. I'm not looking for anything overly touristy, because 1) I'm not leading a group of people in flourescent green hats, 2) touristy = expensive and crowded, and 3) I want to enjoy my friends while they're here because who knows when I'll see them again. So basically I want to show everyone a good time, hit a few good sites and photo ops, but keep it pretty kick back since everyone will be pretty hacked from the jet lag, and me from the 12 hour-each-way drive.

The following things have already been vetoed:

1) Marching Band Competitions (sorry Jen)
2) Disneyland
3) Crowded Clubs/overly crowded places in general.

So yeah, drop me a line in the comments to give me some guidance ;)

Wow... I am so excited about today that I can barely stand it. WendyandAndy have procured their tickets, so a visit from the best friend is now assured. Girly squealing and ridiculously goobery planning ensued. I absolutely cannot wait to see her. I miss that girl like burning.

Called the mini-sibling-unit to inform her. Poor kid was having a bad day, not feeling good and all that, but I told her, and I'm sure my mom had to peel her off the cieling. I cannot wait to stock up on the Amie hugs. There's nothing quite so rejuvinating as a hug from my favorite kid in the whole wide world.

Been working on a web design project most of the night, so I'm a wee bit tired, but overall, proud of my progress thus far. Hopefully I can post a link when it's all up and going. It's turned out better than I'd actually expected, hopefully the client will like it as well.

And now that I'm thoroughly exhausted, I am going to bed.

Okay, because Meigan did it, and I'm a follower, here are 100 Things:

1. I always have at least 2 books within arms reach.

2. I'm going to be old in about 2.5 weeks.

3. I said the same thing last year.

4. My sense of direction is dependant on the Ocean. Anywhere in the state of California, I can close my eyes, spin around, and point and tell you which way the ocean is.

5. I love to take pictures, and I'm good at it.

6. I have a love/hate relationship with my hair.

7. I have a love/hate relationship with my body as well. Mostly I love my body, not because it's perfect, because it's not, but because of all the things it enables me to do.

8. I am an asshole.

9. I road rage pretty bad, but it's funny. I can break from singing opera in time to curse someone in one orifice and out the other, and then go back to singing opera without missing a beat. And I usually laugh at myself afterward.

10. I sometimes laugh like a harbor seal.

11. But what I really want to do is be a photographer.

12. Or run a magazine.

13. Or teach college.

14. Or all of the above.

15. I am a goddess when it comes to writing limericks. I'm also getting pretty good at haiku.

16. I am a hopeless romantic.

17. I have little hands.

18. My eyes change colors, depending on what I wear and what mood I'm in. I once got really angry and a friend swore up and down that they were yellow *shrug*

19. In high school, I considered myself a loner.

20. I crave being near the people I care about. So much for being a loner.

21. I love getting into my car and singing loudly along with the radio.

22. Sometimes I'm very naive.

23. Sometimes I am incredibly simple, especially in what I want from life.

24. Sometimes I can be ridiculously complex.

25. Mostly, I'm just me.

26. I love water. Swimming in it, bathing in it, standing in the rain... anything.

27. I love the outdoors and wild nature, but sometimes I really really miss being near a big city.

28. I spend way too much time on my computer.

29. I like weaponry; specifically, I like swords/daggers and archery stuff.

30. I think people look exceptionally hot shooting a bow and arrow. Just in general.

31. The thing I miss most about being with someone is kissing. I love to kiss, more than anything.

32. I love soft things: blankets fresh from the drier, big fluffy pillows and comforters, stuffed animals, you name it, I'll curl up with it.

33. When I was little, I wouldn't wear a dress if the skirt didn't swish.

34. I have a childish love for Harry Potter.

35. I am ridiculously protective of my little sister.

36. Every neighborhood has a creepy house that the kids are all scared of. I grew up in that house.

37. I love sending and receiving paper letters.

38. When my aunt, with whom I shared a special bond, died, she was burried at sea. Now I equate being near the ocean with being near her.

39. I keep a photo of her with my tarot cards so I always know where it is.

40. When my grandfather died, I had a dream where he showed me what it was like to be dead.

41. My favorite Shakespeare play is Much Ado About Nothing.

42. I really like the Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams.

43. At times I simultaneously miss home and hate the idea of going back.

44. I love visual arts: painting, photography, drawing, anything.

45. I love preraphaelite art more than any other genre.

46. I have always harbored secret desires to be a photographer for National Geographic.

47. Or Vogue.

48. I love to sing.

49. I'm writing a book. for my sister.

50. I have some of the best friends in the world. It's just that all but one of them are far far away.

51. I was in marching band in high school. Every day I swore I was going to quit because I hated it. I stuck through all four years.

52. I love to dance when I think no one is watching.

53. Halloween is my favorite holiday.

54. I ate it at Keats' house.

55. Most people in high school probably thought I was going nowhere in life.

56. I'm going to relish proving them wrong.

57. I love to cook, and I'm usually good at it.

58. When I get my Ph.D., I have every intention of making my sister's dad call me "Doctor Stacy", because I can, and because he's an asshole who didn't want to marry my mom because he didn't want to pay for me to go to college.

59. My dad once built me a kickass treehouse, but that may very well be the last thing he ever did for me.

60. I have never tried any kind of illegal drugs.

61. Nor do I intend to.

62. Though I once got a contact high at a Sex Pistols concert.

63. I ran away from home twice. Once when I was about 10, and that was only to a friends house, and once when I was 16, when my aunt came and got me.

64. I have dreams that sometimes come true.

65. 90% of the time I wish I was somewhere else. No matter where I am.

66. I'm really afraid that, given enough time, the current administration would start burning witches again.

67. Even though the house I grew up in is riddled with bad memories, I wish I still lived there.

68. I remember once, when I was a kid, being at my dads house and him telling his friend that I was "not very bright, but a good kid." Fucker.

69. I think on some level part of me still wants his acceptance.

70. I love cats.

71. I tried to kill myself once by falling asleep on the railroad tracks by my house.

72. Part of me really, really misses Pittsburgh.

73. I also really, really miss London.

74. Sometimes I listen to music and it fills my entire being.

75. I can quote the entirety of The Princess Bride.

76. I have seen the inside of 9 airports.

77. Sometimes I am ridiculously fragile.

78. I like it when people play with my hair. As long as it's the right people.

79. I was 12 years old when my little sister was born, and my mom made me go to school that day.

80. I bought her her first stuffed animal, and she still has it.

81. I trained her to laugh like Steve Urkel when she was just a wee babe.

82. Since then I have molded her in my image. muahahaha.

83. I'm afraid of whats going to happen after I graduate. Mostly because I don't know.

84. I don't like gold, but I love silver.

85. I can surf, but very, very badly. I want to take lessons, but I don't want to go by myself.

86. I love thunder storms.

87. I've always harbored secret desires to be a rock star.

88. My main goal in life is to be happy, and less dysfunctional than my family.

89. I really, really like Christmas, because I get all fuzzy and warm inside. Until my family starts fighting.

90. Sometimes I feel like Whittier, CA will always be home. And sometimes I feel like there's nowhere in the world far enough away from home.

91. My mom, sister, sisters dad and I used to go to this psychologist to help my sister. He would usually talk to me without everyone else. About psych theory.

92. I remember living in a mobile home with my mom when I was about 4 years old. I think those are my earliest memories.

93. I hate rejection but I've gotten used to it.

94. I usually feel like I should be living in another time.

95. My favorite artist is Brian Froud.

96. My favorite season is Autumn.

97. I used to take ice skating lessons. I got kicked in the shins with the toe pic of an ice skate 3 times by a person who couldn't control their feet.

98. Sometimes I wish I could just sleep until my life was normal.

99. I went to my senior prom with a female friend, and didn't go to my grad nite at all.

100. I generally tend to think things can only get better.

Wow... so today started out pretty average, beginning with me writing a paper at the last minute (story of my life)... Class was okay, interesting at least as my Western Civ prof brought in some homemade food to show us what people who lived a long ass time ago would have eaten. The cakes were good, but everything with cheese in it was perfectly revolting. First time in my life I have ever not liked cheese...

Came back, did some homework and some reading, took a desperately-needed nap, and that's pretty much been it....

EXCEPT!!!!!

Then I talked to the WendyLady (you remember her... she's one-half of WendyandAndy, the four-legged cute monster), and found out that Andy is going to be getting the tickets tomorrow... to get him out to PA, and then both of them to visit me!!!! I am so freaking excited about this it's ridiculous... hilarity will ensue and fun will be had by all. Can't wait to call tomorrow for the confirmation so that I can tell Amie... then I'll let my mom peel her off the cieling ;)

overall, yesterday turned out to be a good day.

It started with thrift-store shopping, which is one of my favorite activities, since I enjoy seeing just how much I can buy for how little. I fared really well, in face I'd go so far as to say that this was the most successful thrift store expedition of my career as an impoverished college student. For about $23 I scored: 3 pair of pants (cords, dickies, and pj pants... *purrrrrr*), 3 t-shirts, 2 sweaters, 1 slightly lopsided knit purse (it has character), 1 goosebumps thermos (for 19 cents, dood.... 19 cents), and 13 cassette tapes, including the best find of the day, the holy grail of WendyandStacyness... a single of Timmy T's One More Try. Y'all shoulda seen me in the store, jumping up and down and squealing. And then, get this, I hid the damn thing when I went into the dressing room... Like someone was just dying to sneak up and steal Timmy T from my very grasp. But it's safe now, in my posession, muahahahahahaha!

After that we went to KMart, and they were having a promotional sale on underthingies, so I spent $10 and got a massive pile of new underthingies. Rawr! If there's one thing I like better than thrift store shopping, it's shopping for underthingies. What can I say? I'm a girl :)

So I got back to the dorm and procrastinated doing homework for like ever. No big deal really, untill later at night when I had cause to worry lots about the best friend, but everything turned out okay. I knew it would, but then, some things you just need to see through to the end, you know? No matter what.

And then I went to sleep, and had a marvelous dream... a most excellent dream indeed...

and now, because I'm bored, the friday five:

1. How many TVs do you have in your home? Well, I live in a dorm, see? So I've got mine, in my room. It's itty bitty, but I like it, because it's mine, and cuz it's got something special with the picture so it's easier on the eyes in the dark. Er... sumfin like that. My roommates have a large TV in the living room, but I hardly watch that one.

2. On average, how much TV do you watch in a week? I don't, actually. Sometimes movies, but never TV, unless I'm at home in So Cal.

3. Do you feel that television is bad for young children? Television itself, no, but I think television without supervision can be bad. And I don't mean there should be a tv narc watching kids 24/7, but I think parents have a responsibility to make sure their children realize the difference between tv and real life. I don't necessarily think that kids should watch a lot of violent stuff on TV because they do get desensitized, we all do, but I don't necessarily think that violence on TV causes people to be violent.

4. What TV shows do you absolutely HAVE to watch, and if you miss them, you're heartbroken? See number two.

5. If you had the power to create your own television network, what would your line-up look like? All Timmy T, all the time.

I think I'm okay now.

I guess it sounds ridiculous, but I kind of forgot how intense my emotions can be. I remember when I was younger, like in high school, and I was so intense, emotionally. Like everything had so much weight to it, and things could either make my life or completely ruin it just like that. And then high school ended, and I learned to be detatched, and just not think about things like that anymore. And then I went to Chatham, because I felt like I needed time away from myself, in a way, or at least away from the things I knew would distract me from my education. So I was effectively unemotional for a good year and a half, and then there was my wakeup call. But that never came into the light of day, and eventually faded back into the darkness, without so much as a backward glance, it would seem. And now, in a sense, I'm back to how I was in high school, where I feel everything so acutely, so intensely, that sometimes things just really knock the wind out of me.

I'm not sure which is worse, feeling nothing, or feeling everything with this much intensity... both scare me, but in different ways. The apathy sometimes made me wonder if I was really alive, or if I was just a series of similar days without incident. And now, well, it's odd... I feel like I'm vulnerable because in a sense everything is still so new to me here, and it sometimes feels like my emotions are so much bigger than I am, that they're controlling me instead of vice versa.

One of these days I hope to find equilibrium, or at least a reasonable substitute.

You Are A Romantic Kisser!

You'll only kiss if the mood is right and if you think you are falling in love.

Some may say you're old fashioned, but when you kiss, you see stars!

One kiss from you, and anyone will be hooked forever.

How Do *You* Kiss?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

And so, just like that, new template. What can I say, I got bored.

And yeah, still not in a happy place... but thats not why I chose this particular design. It just feels like no matter where I go, it turns out that my heart and my mind are elsewhere. It never seems like it'll pan out that way before hand, but it always ends up that way in the long run. I think I'm allergic to finding a place where I belong.

Meh.

meh... I am not in a happy place tonight...

So today has been decent.

I woke up at a nice and comfortable ten am. Roommate was absent for class, made an interesting phone call that I must say gave the day a nice start. tee hee.

Left, headed to the student store, picked up a truly excellent sweatshirt, way comfy and warm. Plus it was on clearance sale, $15 off the original price, so bonus... I've been wearing it all day, and I'm all snuggly from wearing it. Woot, indeed.

Got to Anthro, and FINALLY got my test back. See, I was kinda worried about it because I didn't do that hot on the first test (B), which fortunately didn't count for much. So I got a 95%, woot woot. Then he said that two groups had to stay after everyone else left, and I was in the first group. Someone asked what the group was for, and he said they were students that they felt they could help out the most and all that, so I'm thinking shite, I get an A and I need help? Like what's that all about? So we go over the test and I zone out and write in my paper journal about... stuff.... and all that, and finally everyone else leaves and the people in the group stay after. Turns out they've used the test to chose the best and the brightest, and they're putting us into an intensive/independant study group so that we can move away from this basic definition/covering the basics bullshit and really have a chance to discuss the issues in depth and get more out of the class. It means more written assignments and such, but we'll be exempted from taking the exams and wont even have to go to class sometimes. He said that from our tests it was obvious that the rest of the semester with the normal class would be a bore to us, and that even though it's a 100-level ge course, he could tell we're the type of students who would do better to get more out of the semester, and that he knew we'd wind up with A's anyway, so this is a better option. I am SO excited about this. I could tell I was in the presence of fellow nerds when everyone started grinning about the idea. This has major coolness potential.

Looks pretty damn certain that I'll be heading home for Thanksgiving Break, which is mostly good. Not looking forward to the long drive, but I miss my sister like burning, and it means that WendyandAndy will likely come out to visit. Mucho wootage for that. I miss Wendy like burning too.

Updates coming, soonish like

you make me come...
you make me complete...
you make me completely miserable

-Lit

someone please help me.... I'm listening to REO Speedwagon and being nostalgic for the eighties.... *hangs head in shame* And now, because I'm bored and all that, and because of the fast-approaching arrival of out of state peoples to my home state, I present Stacy's Best of California:

** Why not start with my favorite Southern California beach? Corona del Mar has been the background for things like close encounters with dolphins, or the phos-faerie hunt with my little sister. Really cool beach, not because of great surf conditions or what have you, but just because it's incredibly beautiful, with unparalleled views at night. Most excellent.

** Caffe Luna, on Melrose in Downtown Hollywood. Excellent Italian food, excellent espresso beverages, and truly excellent patio for outdoor dining. Even white paper covering the tables, crayons provided. Invites many games of tic-tac-toe, or, depending on the company, plans to invade Europe. ;)

** Okay, so yeah, Disneyland. Obvious, no? Well, I'm a Disneyland freak, used to work there and everything, and I *love* the place still. Deal with it ;)

** Knotts Berry Farm... yes, another amusement park.. what can I say? I like amusement parks...

** Not far from where I live are the Aquarium of the Pacific and the Queen Mary. Both are very cool, and I used to work at the Queen Mary. Really awesome place, very very haunted. Was used extensively in WWII, then retired to Long Beach, CA. Now a hotel and touristy place to visit. Wouldn't mind staying there one of these days.

** The Museum of Tolerance... not exactly a rolicking good time, but still a really powerful place to visit. Oh, and while I'm on the subject of museums, there's also the Getty.

** Catalina Island.... really beautiful place to go, though somewhat expensive... Don't plan for more than a weekend...

** oh, yeah, and Hollywood, boasting of things like Graumans Chinese Theater, the Hollywood walk of fame, and of course, the sign.

Heading up north a bit, and we find:

** Big Sur.... some of the most beautiful coastline I have ever seen... and that's saying a lot seeing as I consider myself a fine beach connoisseur... Some excellent camping spots, as well.

** Santa Cruz... another place I would love to live in... kinda like Arcata, but bigger, and closer to civilization. Also, the Boardwalk... ever seen Lost Boys? Yep, that'd be it ;)

** the Rosicrucian Egyptian Museum is very cool... has this mini version of a pyramid in it, complete with sarcophagus.

** the Winchester Mystery House.... the height of creepiness, beautiful victorian mansion with many odd.... safety features... and a really, really unfortunate website, I'm afraid...

** Monterey Bay Aquarium... yes, another aquarium... but what can I say? they're just so damned cool...

** next up is San Francisco, home of Pier 39, and of course, the infamous Castro District...

Heading up into my neck of the woods...

** Historical Ferndale, CA is a really neat little town, where they filmed the Majestic, with Jim Carey...

** and of course, there's always Trinidad State Beach... all sorts of lovliness there...

I think the new theme of my existence, at least until further notice, is one day at a time. And yes, I know this conjurs up images of cheesy old tv shows and all, but at the suggestion of my mother, I've been trying to break down this semester into bite-sized digestible portions. So far, so good, actually.

So 1TW is achieving the goal I hoped it would, which is to prompt me to do more creative writing on a regular basis. I've picked up a story I started a few years ago for my sister. It's some strange cross between a childs story and something else... not exactly "adult" per se, but the language, I suspect, would go over most kids heads. Of course, I'm writing it for my sister, who is (by my biased opinion) much smarted than most kids her age.) Hopefully by the time I finish it she'll have no problems getting through it. Of course, by the time I finish it, she could be the same age that I am now, but the point is that I'm at least working on it again, which is a big step. Normally I defeat myself by putting too many expectations on my writing. With writing this for my sister, I can focus on her as my audience and quit thinking of it as a project that could make or break my writing career. I've also transported it into a spiral bound notebook from the computer. I think I write better away from the keyboard because there are less distractions, and because part of me really likes the feeling of dragging a pen over paper, and that's the part I need to bring back into the light.

So right now my roommate is in the kitchen baking a cake with her mom. I am so envious! It's been such a long time since I've really gotten the chance to cook or bake, and I miss that. It's also making me miss my mom, like by a lot. I know it's childish and silly to expect everyone I love to flock to my side here, but I can't help it. My mom said that she wouldn't mind moving up here one day... I knew by the sound of her voice that she meant after my grandmother dies, when they can sell the house. It's wierd, you know, my whole family and the way the dynamics work. In a sense it's like we're all waiting for her to pass, because in a sense it's like she really died a few years ago, or maybe even longer. It's like she's hanging on, for reasons none of us fully understand. In a way so much is waiting to be over with her. Like even though the experiences and drama that she contains will still be in our memories, her influence over us, and her being a constant reminder of old memories, well, it can be finished. Maybe thats an awful way to feel, but there's not much to be done for it, really. None of us can have closure for it, because we know that there's a lot she won't tell, that we'll never know, and while she's alive there will always be that anticipation. When she passes it will be the end to a story that was never really finished, and should never have been in the first place. And now that I've written that I have no idea where it came from, or why. There is so much in my life left unresolved.

At any rate, Wendy has finally decided to apply at Humboldt, which makes me very very happy. One way or another, she's coming out here, I'm resolved. Also, may be seeing her in as little as 42 days, but we shall see how that pans out. Basically it all comes down to whether or not I'm going to LA over Thanksgiving break. And right now I'm aching for some Amie hugs and Del Taco, so right now I'm pulling for home. We'll see if I become gainfully employed within the next week or not. I'll know soon enough.

Woot... new photo posted on 1 Thousand Words... this ones a little different, so hopefully we'll get some good entries. Now send me submissions already!

So, I'd like to clear a few things up. For those of you who are new to reading this, basically it's my soap box, a place where I spout irrational ravings and whatever the hell happens to be in my mind. Most of the time the things I bitch about are way exagerated, like the stuff about my roommates smoking in the apartment.

Yeah, it bothers me, but not enough for me to be that angry about it. The real problem is that the smell reminds me of when my dad chose smoking pot over seeing me, so when I smell it, it gets to me more because of that than anything else. Add to the fact I'm lonely as all hell here, and really not feeling like I'm adjusting well, and you have a bitchy whiny Stacy on your hands. And the thing is, in actuality I got extremely lucky on the roommate front this year. I've roomed with some extremely odd people in the past, and I'd have to say that these roommates are preferable. I knew before I came here that a lot of people smoke it, and I chose to come anyway. I may not necessarily agree with it, but maybe it's time I got over my issues. I don't mean to start smoking it, because I have no intentions of doing that, but maybe it's time I stopped letting my dads rejection of me hang over me. At any rate, I have no right to bitch about it when I haven't even brought it up. Not to mention I'm sure there are things about me they don't necessarily dig, and the point is to learn to be flexible with people.

Tonight was decent. I hung out with one of the roomies for a while and we watched movies and talked and what all. I think the biggest thing is that we're all going through a major adjustment period, and trying to make the best of what we've got to work with.

Sometimes life seems ridiculously simple, you know? Like everything falls neatly into place, and the future spreads out before me in one coherant path, with the leaves nicely raked and plenty of light to prevent any feelings of ominousness.

This is not one of those times.

Lately I've been feeling myself shift somehow, and suddenly the certainty with which I've looked at things seems a bit shady. Maybe it's not my goals that are shifting so much as my priorities. I mean, school is still my core focus. It has to be, it's way too expensive to be a sideline. But there are other priorities emerging, like getting Wendy out here and still others that I'm not ready to divulge just yet. I mean, I knew when I came back here that I didn't know where I'd be two years from now, but never has that been more true than now. And it feels kind of strange, really. I mean, for most of my life I've felt that there was somewhere, a specific place, where I'd belong. I guess I built it up like a first kiss, where the heavens would part and spill golden light on me the second I set foot into this place. So it's odd that I'm starting to think of places and locations and destinations as essentially arbitrary. I mean, I'm not thinking of moving to the frozen tundra of Eastern Slabovia, mind you, but what I mean is that I'm starting to think of place as something you adjust to be around the right people. Fortunately Wendy seems to want to make that adjustment right now, and I'd be more than happy to have her here. And two years from now? Where, who knows what will happen when we roll the dice again. Eventually, though, I would like to find a place where I feel safe declaring a "permanent address" different from the one back home.

And it's also becoming hazy to me my exact plan after graduation. I don't know if I'll be ready to dive right into grad school, or if I want to take a year off and remember why I hate the real world enough to leave it for the warm folds of mother academia. But again, this is even subject to change. Sometimes I have days that make me want to shed my worldly posessions in favor of a job featuring a treehouse in Zimbabwe, and photographing apes. Sometimes I have days that make me feel like the world is no place for me at all. And sometimes I have days where the center of my mind grows so large and cavernous that it seems like everyone and everything else are a million miles from me and that nothing will ever enter my space again, and it's a massively lonely feeling, and it makes me feel incredibly small and isolated. It's like, all it would take to make me feel a part of something is to hear someone speak my name, but no one sees me. I almost feel like a ghost sometimes.

So mucho wootage to Molly B., who got a mousepad off of one of my cafepress stores. She got it and sent me this picture:



Hopefully once I start working I'll be able to afford my own stuff, LoL

Also, wootage to Steve for sending me the first entry over at 1 Thousand Words.

Day ended decent to good, as well.

Turns out that WendyandAndy might be coming to visit around Thanksgiving, either to check out LA, or to check out the greater Arcata area. This visit will likely coincide with another much-anticipated visit *cough*44days*cough*, which would be mucho excellent. It will also, I'm afraid, unleash an incalculable amount of gooberness on Humboldt County, but hey, they'll deal. It would also be interesting, seeing as how Wendy and I would be the only two to actually understand the entire conversation. Andy might have half a clue as to some of it, and the last party will sadly only get a small portion as Wendy and I tend to converse almost exclusively in inside jokes. Incidently, word through the grapevine is that the obtaining of an apartment might not be so impossible as previously though. More updates as they come down the pipe.

Tomorrows interview is at the knife shop I applied at. This is good because Stacy likes sharp pointy objects, as evidenced by my somewhat humble weaponry collection back home. It appears that if I get the job at Mervyns, my wardrobe will grow, and if I work at the cutlery place, my weaponry collection will grow. Honestly the former is the more practical of the two, I do need more clothes, but in any case my finances will limit the degree to which I can really splurge on anything. Mainly, I'd just like to have a job, don't really care what it is at this exact moment in time. I'm hoping whichever I get it will pay decent and give me enough hours to make the prospect of getting an apartment feasible. It would be so much easier if I had income coming in so that I could plan things, you know?

Ended the night with phone calls to two of my favorite people, which was nice, even if one of them is incredibly stubborn and hard-headed ;) All seems to be well in WendyWorld as well, which is always good to hear.

And now it's time for me to go to bed, I am way tired seeing as I was up at 6:30 this morning. Tomorrow promises much arrow flinging and another forray into Eureka. Wootage.

So far, today = decent.

Had a job interview bright and early this morning at Mervyns. It went well, but I'm tired like burning now from waking up at 6:30 am. For future reference, never volunteer for the earliest time slot available. It went well, and I'm supposed to hear back from them by Friday either way. Good thing = they already know I can't work the weekend of Thanksgiving or the days before and after Christmas. Bad thing = this might prevent me from getting hired. Oh well.

Got back and miraculously found the only parking space left available. You know, even with everything else is rotton and bad, I have been really freaking blessed where parking is concerned (*knock on wood*). Let's hope this trend continues.

Got up to my room, put in a phone call to this other place I applied at, a cutlery store. Now, I realize that the danger here is that I might spend every paycheck on sharp pointy objects, but that, dears, is a risk I am willing to take. I think I have a good shot at this one seeing as I like sharp pointy things, and I turned in a resume (which was A PLUS! according to their job listing in the malls notebook), and the guy sounded pleased that I was taking the initiative to call. So hopefully I'll get that. Out of all my prospects at the moment, this one is preferable. Though I'd still trade my left eye to work for Cosmic Debris. Haven't heard anything from them, though, so I'm not getting my hopes up on that count.

Well, time to depart for lunch. Probably write more later. No promises.

So today was interesting. And yes, I know that it's now actually tomorrow, as I write this, but go with me on this one.

There's been somewhat of a setback to the Getting-Wendy-the-hell-out-of-Dodge campaign, but we are currently working on an alternate plan, the details of which I am not yet at liberty to divulge. Suffice it to say I am told there is a backup emergency plan, and we'll see what happens.

Walked into town with Michelle today. All told we walked about a total of three miles, and I wasn't tired at all at the end of that. Maybe I'm not as out of shape as I thought I was. At any rate, I fell like I could go and do it again right now, but since it's late and dark and there's no one to go with me, we'll leave that to another day. Tomorrow I'm going to start out in the aerobics room in the campus commons. I'll keep y'all posted on this one. I suspect that any good start I make may be stunted by my inevitable affliction later this week. Maybe working out will lessen it a bit? Again, we'll see.

So today, on our foray into town I was reminded of why I love it here. First off, no matter where you look it's beautiful in all directions. All the grafitti is socially aware. People with dreadlocks congregate in the middle of the town square and just laze about. Today we got to see the sidewalk chalk art that the city sets up once a year. All the businesses sponsor an artist to do a square for them. Some of them were simply amazing, the use of color, the details. Some were just funny, like one that displayed a very shocked looking man wearing glasses and looking at a painting, with a caption that says "Picasso gets glasses." Har. We stopped at Wildberries Market, which for southern Californians is a bit like Mother's. For you PA people, well, you're out of luck, I don't recall anything remotely like it there. Basically, everything they sell is natural and organic. All the produce is guaranteed pesticide free. And they care the entire line of Burts Bees stuff, along with all sorts of natural goodies. It's Purrrrrific. We also went to Longs, which is CA's equivalent to CVS, or Rite Aid. And no shit, they carry the entier Kama Sutra line. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm, Honey Dust... *insert Homer-esque happy noises hereI* At a drug store. Yes. Finally we made our way back to campus, had dinner, and I trudged up the hill. Thats always the worst part, making it up that stupid hill.

Yesterday (or Saturday), we went to the mall and I applied for yet more jobs. I think someone sprayed me with job repellant or something, because things just aren't going well for yours truly on that count. Hopefully this week will yield something promising.

oh dear god... someone found my site by searching for "woman draped on car" on google.

I soooooooo veto that.

I've been bored today... in addition to my new literary endeavor, I've posted two new slide shows. One is just random views from around my room. The other is a collection of shots of my friends. Names have been withheld to protect the dignity of the ridiculous, and also so they won't kill me ;)

okay, I confess.... I'm addicted to starting new projects. see, I got this idea last night, when I was talking to a friend and he seemed shocked that I had previously posted that writing paled in comparison to visual art as a means of expression... and I started to wonder at what point, exactly, that started to happen to me. I used to love to write, just for writings sake, and now, well, it's become something I do for my major, or something I do to clean out my head, but it's lost that creative aspect that it used to have for me. so this is what I'm doing about it. let me know if you're interested.

1 Thousand Words

also, I think the meaning of life is Vanilla-Almond scented lotion... I really, really do... *purrrrrrrr*

*note... I am running out... offerings of lotion would much please the god of softness. especially if they are the original lotion, the one at the top of the page or midway through on sale... end note*

todays memories trudged up by phonecalls:

St. Pancreas, Hampstead, eating it at Keats house and the subsequent venture to McDonalds, crispy duck, prawn, the orange-mouth incident, Muttley, scooby-doo laughs, herpes of the face, the godawful Geoffrey Museum, Bloomsbury, almost meeting Colin Firth, Hey look! It's Rat Race! I hear that stars Rowan Atkinson!!, mythical gorgon-like creature, did she say it?, shutup!, small white boxes containing crunchy bars and aero bars, the tea-cozy hat and it's origins in Cambridge, Alisha getting lost in London, my boyfriend the Yeoman Warder, the tagalongs, I collect spores molds and fungus, HEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYY YOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU GUUUUUUUUUUUYYYYYYYYYYSSSS!, ass cookies, that is the worst Boston accent I've ever heard!, the beep laugh girl on Montel, how it feels to laugh until you choke and/or your sides hurt, the redcoats are coming, wearing socks to bed, Wendy and Stacy's quest for the Timmy-T shirt, our first exposure to Timmy-T and the award bestowed upon him, dancing in the dance cave, Valentines Day of last year, watch out for snakes!, the knot, FINE!, why are my glasses so yellow?, the wall sign, the pizza drawer, Emergency Email Abort Protocol (or EEAP!), Fuck me I love Keats!, Jamie Walters, and of course the many hours spent on the Pitt Shuttle.

You know, I still have that gift certificate for Barnes and Noble.

only one person will understand all of these. for most they'll be an exercise in confusion. move along, move along.

apparently all it takes to start a day of well is a phone call first thing in the morning... who knew?

so I would just like to take this opportunity to say thank you to my asshole roommates.

you see, the rule books for the dorms state there's to be no smoking in the residence halls or within 20 ft of the windows or doors. but my roommates, so fucking wonderful of them, feel it's absolutely appropriate to smoke and blaze up in here whenever the fuck they want to. screw me and my asthma, and the fact that I don't smoke.

and I don't say anything about it... why? because I don't feel like going against 3 people by myself. because the person I share a room with plays songs with lyrics like "if you don't like my fire/then don't come around/cuz I'm gonna burn one down." that's just fucking peachy seeing as I have no fucking choice since I live here. I can't even go into my own goddamned kitchen because if I do I'll get a contact high.

so yeah.... pot smoke is officially contributing to my asthma and my painful childhood memories. assholes.

so my head hurts right now, and I feel this wierd sort of calm all through me. it's like after a certain point, I can't be upset anymore, and so I'm not really anything at the moment. got more bad news today, and it's like after a while it just doesn't matter. I know I have to get an apartment, so really it's just one more inconvenience, one more thing that will make life difficult. I suppose health insurance isn't really necessary at this exact moment. I can survive a few months at least. and in the long run, things will balance out, right? I mean, they have to.

And just when you thought we were climbing uphill....

so yeah, that check I'll probably be getting for $1000? well, now I find that a) my mother is behind on my loan payments (subtract $300), and b) I will probably lose my health insurance when I turn 23 in a little over a month... meaning if I want to keep myself from bleeding to death, I have to shell out for the schools coverage (subtract about another $400). So yeah. There went getting an apartment quickly. hopefully though something wonderful will happen to compensate for this. pehaps something in the form of an email informing me I have a job. but if things don't improve there's always high-velocity transcortical lead therapy.

just so y'all know, everyone should really completely ignore me, at least until further notice. my current attitude is not fit for human consumption. ugh, I am so fired.