Stacy Was Here :
Monday, April 29, 2002
Saturday, April 27, 2002
something happens in my head when I hear certain songs... it's almost like my mind constructs an elaborate milieu to go along with the music (as in the melody... it generally has little or nothing to do with the lyrics, more with how the chords lay.
Tonight is definitely a Tori night, and Sister Janet, in particular, is demanding to be played. And it makes me think of a house, green and wooden, like the pea-soup green of the house I grew up in, only smaller. Something akin to the old farm houses, with so many lightly-draped windows that the whole place just seems sort of billowy and airy, though definitely filled with lived-in-ness. Maybe the carpet is old and worn down, and the wallpaper is faded, and the lamps are turned off because even diffused natural light is more pleasant than electric bulbs. And the front door opens out onto the spacious porch, with lots of green, leafy trees beyond that. The sun filters through the trees in just such a way, bathing everything in patches of pale gold, making everything seem just a little luminescent. The breeze is soft... just ample and not too cold. And it's quiet, but not unnaturally so. It's quiet in a soft, far-enough-away-from-everything sort of way, not in the confining way of high-priced apartment buildings. And everything is soft, the kind of softness that seems to be extinct now. Soft like great-grandmothers aged muslin drapes, or like hand-me-down stuffed animals with frayed edges and bald patches. Soft like grass that hasn't been mowed in a while, or like women who've never read Cosmo. Soft like the trees whispering as the breeze blows through the leaves.
I'm feeling really lonely tonight. Like I might feel better if one of my friends were here, but it's doubtful. Sometimes the only thing that sounds good is having arms wrapped around me. And reading or watching a movie doesn't dull it any, because I still notice the lacking of those arms. It's self indulgence, I've been told, to allow my mind to be so utterly occupied by one train of thought, but sometimes there's just nothing to be done about it. You'll remember, dear reader, that when it rains, I'm the one standing out in the downpour, not the one running for cover.
mojo, by the way, is doing... er... swimmingly. He's darting around like mad, finally started eating... woohoo :)
Mystery of my life, part deux.... Why is it that nothing happens on campus for ages and ages... and then they have three major event days in a row?
It started Thursday night with airband, senior skit, and tutorial bon-fire... fun times were had by all, and it was really great hanging out with my friends and dancing like maniacs. After that we took off to eat-n-park (for all my friends back home, think like Denny's), then headed back to campus for some much needed sleep.
Friday was Bucket and Blossoms day, when everyone on campus goes around planting flowers and shoveling s*$& everywhere. I was on photo detail, though, so I just had to make sure the whole thing was recorded on film. Now the campus smells like petting zoo. Oh wait, I forgot, it rained this evening, so now it all smells like wet petting zoo. That night was also Spring Fling (semi-formal dance.) It was fun, but now for a few observations:
1. Some people seem to confuse spring fling with high school prom. That's all I'm saying on this topic. Really.
2. Cotton-eyed Joe is a special kind of song. See, everyone will roll their eyes or profess to hate it until it plays while they are on a dance floor, when the truth is revieled. And that truth is that it is impossible to not dance while it is playing. And that everyone secretly loves it. I suspect this is because it gives everyone an excuse to dance like a bunch of drunken hillbillies.
3. My standards in food have dropped dramatically since I moved here. When dinner was served, the GBD exclaimed "It's WARM!!!", and dammit, I was almost as excited about that as she was.
4. Apparently "80's themed dance" means different things to different people. Like, for instance, the DJ, who not only did NOT play Whip It, but didn't even bring Material Girl.
5. How to earn my undying respect: wear tinsel on your head.
Then today I started out with a rehearsal for the one-act I'm in next week, and that went ok. After that was Fling on the Quad, and I was the designated tarot reader, if you can believe that. Of course, first I stopped by the woman who was making balloon thingys, and told her I needed a mystical tarot reading balloon hat, so for the rest of the afternoon I was the proud owner of the worlds largest, most obnoxious balloon hat ever made. Seriously. Like I'm not even exagerating at all. I also got to make tie-dyed socks. WooHoo! While I was reading cards for people, my friend won me a fish, so I now have a new pet, complete with new aquarium thingy. I'm naming him Mojo, because that song "Is your Mojo Working" was playing when he was delivered to me. Of course, the damn thing tried to commit suicide while I was at the pet store buying his new abode and food, but fortunately I seem to have gotten him back into the water on time as he's now being his fishy self. Not swimming around a whole lot at present... maybe he's sleeping? Eyes appear open however... do fish have eyelids? Interesting... figure it might be nice to have new fishy companion around. If he survives, my uncle might not let me take him back home, though, so if someone here wants a new pet fish, let me know. Heehee... ok, now he's making faces at me... I swear it... cute little bugger...
Friday, April 26, 2002
Heard on the quad today:
"I wanna rich, dumb, young nymphomaniac
to drive me around in her cadillac,
when she's not on her knees, she's on her back,
a rich, dumb, young nymphomaniac."
Now, a lot of people were offended by this, and understandably. I, on the other hand, just thought it was damn funny that any male had the nerve to sing this at an all girls school. But boy, I got a lot of dirty looks from my school mates when I was the only one cheering for him. heh.
Thursday, April 25, 2002
So the current mystery of my existence is this. The frat mattresses that I live next door to are up every night until about 3am whooping and hollering and just generally being the most irritating people on the planet. And yet, they are always up before me, whooping and hollering and just generally being the most irritating people on the planet. How is this, exactly? I drug my weary ass out of bed this morning at 8am, and sure enough, they were already up being moronic and annoying. Don't they ever sleep? I figured maybe they slept during the day, but I took a nap after the pre-calc test that friend my brain, got up at noon, and they were still at it. I'll get back to my room at about 5:45 this evening, and I would bet money that they will still be loud and completely freaking obnoxious. Argh. Maybe being irritating knows no hourly schedule. grumblegrumblegrumblegrumble....
And now I'm at work, and still have the incredible urge to curl up on my desk here and go to sleep. No one would notice. I feel like I'm going to fall asleep any second....
Wednesday, April 24, 2002
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Week of April 25, 2002
A cosmic extravaganza is unfolding in the night sky. Gaze west after sunset and you'll see Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, and Saturn bunched closely together. What does this rare gathering symbolize for you? It means you have a chance to intensify and refine all your uniquely Scorpionic powers. I suggest the following: Identify where your selfish desires overlap with the needs of your collaborators; penetrate surface appearances and explore what's really going on beneath; and purge any bad, hurt, or twisted feelings that interfere with your ability to tap into the beautiful heart of your emotional power.
(via free will astrology)
You know, some nights I just really want to go out and devour life... to go and consume all the beautiful sights and dance to great music, and just really absorb all there is to be found. This is one of those nights... If I had a car at my disposal and free time, I would be out with my friends, or having really deep conversations peppered with double-entendres and raised eyebrows with someone, or maybe running full speed into the crashing waves with all of my clothes on. Or maybe I'd just curl up on the sand and relish the soft, cool feel of it against my skin. Hell, even laying out in the grass and watching the stars sounds delightful right now, the dampness and smell of the earth enveloping me as the crickets sing. However, I can't do any of these things.
Because I have a pre-calc test tomorrow, which I'm probably going to fail.
And I have to study.
And it's driving me crazy....
Today is an excellent day :)
I woke up early enough to take a shower in the morning (as opposed to the evenings as is my usual practice), so I've been smelling like sweet pea all day, which in itself has brightened my mood.
This Friday is buckets and blossoms day at my school, when everyone runs around planting flowers and taking care of the existing ones... normally I'd be on planting duty, but I'm gonna be running around with my boss from web dev instead, on photography detail. WooHoo! Just another excuse to take pictures, maybe I'll even get to post some of them here. (depends on if they'll be using them on the schools website or not, so hopefully I can snag a few.
I talked to the parental unit the other night, and it looks as if I'll be going to the dr when I get home for the summer, which is a load off my mind. It'll be nice to finally figure out what the hell is wrong with me so I can stop being such a damned hypocondriac. I don't think it's anything really serious, but I won't actually stop worrying about it until I know for sure, and I'm sure that worrying about it isn't actually helping at all.
I also got to talk to Amie, which was very cool :) She's looking forward to me coming home, probably as much as I'm looking forward to going. And I'm actually really looking forward to the drive back. Granted, it will be with my uncle, so we'll be on the road pretty much 24/7 until we get back, but it will still be nice to see more of this country than I ever have before. And we'll be stopping down at my Uncle Gene's for a night, so I'll get to hang out with him for a bit, which will be good for two reasons. The first is that he's incredibly funny and just a joy to be around, and the second is that he hasn't been doing so well lately, so who knows for sure if I'll get to see him again after this? I don't want to think about not seeing him again, but I've learned the hard way to enjoy people as much as you can when they're still around.
Oh, and tomorrow is WotWot's 18th birthday, so WooHoo and Happy Birthday to her. I forsee desserts and singing in your future. ;)
Sunday, April 21, 2002
So the last week has been pretty hard for me, but I finally feel like I'm narrowing in on my center, on the part thats really me. Listening to Tori Amos songs and flipping through faerie books by Brian Froud, and thinking about the story I've been working on in bits and pieces for my sister has helped. And right now it's pouring down rain, with lightning and thunder, and I'm listening to Sister Janet, which will forever be my favorite Tori song, and I'm remember the potential that I've always really aspired to, and the personal life aesthetic that has been my beacon so many times in the past. I've been taking myself too seriously this week, way too seriously, and I've been taking everything to heart, though it wasn't on purpose. And I've been forgetting to separate my needs from my wants and my wishes, and I've been forgetting that life is lived one day at a time. I've been forgetting that any day could be my last, and if I'd died this week, my one regret would have been spending too much time worrying and fretting and not enough time mending my spirit.
And right now I feel really good about myself because I remember now that all it takes to remind me how special life is are beautiful things like music, and art, and smiles and hugs, and sunsets and flowers, and breathing.
And I even remember the most important thing of all. The best part of having friends and family and lovers and penpals and soul-sisters is not what they give you, but the feeling of caring for them and being invested in their happiness.
don't worry, I probably wont be this schmucky forever ;)
Saturday, April 20, 2002
Okay, so this is different... at least it's less obnoxious than the gigantic daffodils... sheesh, what the hell was I thinking?
Okay, in case it's not painfully obvious, I was bored this afternoon. And I think I hate this scheme. It's hideous. So I'm going to change it. As soon as I figure out what the hell I want to do with it. Bah.
Any suggestions? Condolences? fuming messages of hate? Leave a comment, please... give me some direction....
LoL... thanks to Wendy, my group of friends now has it's very own personality quiz. And just to be a pisser, I've decided I don't want to be me. So I'm going to be Meigan.
Which person in Wendy's circle of friends are you? Find out at Sodding Poof!
Friday, April 19, 2002
I really don't understand today at all. In some ways, today has seen me be very opaque in a lot of ways. Like my mind is not in my body, and I'm not really sure where it is or when it will be back, or why it's gone all of a sudden. But at the same time, I also feel like I've lost any and all imperviousness I once posessed, so every wayword thing has pierced me right through. Things that are largely insignificant have really cut deep today, and I don't know why. Today has been both my most oblivious day and my most vulnerable day in as long as I can remember. And I feel like I haven't slept in ages, even though I've really had no problems sleeping... and I'm experiencing an incredibly illogical desire to be curled up on my couch at home. Maybe it's just that I haven't actually relaxed at all since Christmas break. And I kind of feel like everyone hates me right now, and maybe they do, cause I really seem to be signing up for everyones shitlist lately, even the people who won't admit it to me directly. Tonight I was over at a friends room, listening to her friend have the worlds most insincere phone conversation ever with some guy she'd met on aol, and it just seems so surreal and rigoddamneddiculous. Life just seems like a joke sometimes, when you get right down to it. And right now I think I'm the punchline.
oh, and hurrah for andrew w.k., and my new addiction, inspired by this man. Finally something to overpower the obnoxious noises and hideous music emanating from the den of the frat mattresses who live next to me.
ugh... I should have stuck with the sentiment expressed in my last post.
Bah on social interraction.
I'm going to live in seclusion in some forest somewhere... doesn't even matter where, really, so long as there's no one around for miles.
People make my head hurt.
Ok, humor me for a moment, but sometimes it seems as if the weather mirrors my mood. Like todays weather, just like my mood, has been all over the place, from bright and sunny to dismal rain and thunder. And now a layer of darkish blue clouds sit like cake frosting on top of a band of clear dusky sky. Right now I think my patience with people has gone on hiatus. Like one of my friends ran up behind me after dinner and tickled me, and I just about hit her. And then another one walked with me out of the dining hall and tried to have a conversation with me, and I just had no interest in talking to her. I'm not really mad at anyone, more like at the moment I don't feel like being bothered with people at all. And at the moment I don't know if I'm up or down or stuck somewhere in the middle or what. It's like my brain is on disconnect mode right now. I don't think anything would surprise me at the moment. I don't think I have enough mental energy right now to give a shit.
I'm thinking that maybe sleeping until the end of the semester would be a good idea right about now.
My hotmail account is pretty much consistently full, so if you use that email address, you might get everything back. I'm actually taking down all the links to my email address because I keep getting spam. To drop me a line, just use the email form.
Thursday, April 18, 2002
Made a new slide show of the pics I took while Amie was here.
the visit (23 views)
Wednesday, April 17, 2002
The buzz from back home is that one of my married friends is cheating on her husband... and I'm so disgusted to hear this. I went to her wedding, so I was there when she promised that she would love only him for the rest of her life, and now, less than two years later, it seems as though she's already broken that promise. I don't get it... why get married at all if you're not going to be able to honor the promise you make them? You all know I'm not a religious person, so I'm not preaching, I just think it's ridiculous. The way I see it, if you're not ready to settle down, then don't. Don't put on an elaborate farce of marital bliss just because you think you should. And if you do settle down, then do so only when ready to put the necessary effort into the relationship. *grumblegrumblegrumblegrumble*
grrr... Blogger is sucking today... it deleted a post, so I'll just summarize... added an email form (under the email links), so all you people lurking around here not saying anything, drop me a line. You have no excuse now :)
So today has been an interesting day....
It began this morning at 9 with me shooting some digital photos for the PT dept at my school for their website. Of course, no one told the students I was going to be doing this, or why I was there taking pictures of them in the pool, so they all kind of regarded me and my camera with contempt for the most part.... I think after a while they figured out it was something to do with the school and not just my own wierdness, though, so hopefully I got some good shots towards the end.
Went to french class, and then to the first year class I'm mentoring, and talked to them about their research papers... mostly talked to a bunch of blank faces, but the professor seemed pleased with me, and I know how unresponsive students are for a lot of the time here, so it's not really insulting, just doesn't make it easy when they don't want to interract.
After that I ran into a friend here on campus and ended up learning how to make paper from her, and helping her out for her service project. It was fun, even got to keep a piece of it (they're selling the rest to raise money for a school in Brazil.) I'll probably buy more later to help them raise money, it's really nice paper. I'm actually thinking of making more over the summer, maybe make a journal or two out of it.
Tuesday, April 16, 2002
I've been feeling better about things lately. The end of the semester is rapidly approaching, and although I've mixed feelings about it, somehow the thought of getting behind the wheel of my car and driving around by myself is *really* appealing to me. I think it's time to make a few road trip tapes for the summer, since I'll probably be doing quite a bit of driving, what with moving up to Humboldt (*cross fingers*) and all. I think driving around in an air conditioned automobile, with the windows up, the radio loud, and singing at the top of my lungs will be immensely theraputic for me.
I'm starting to miss my friends here already, and the seasons changing is really fucking with my head. Happened last year too, I was set to leave here, and then the trees started budding again, and it was all over. But this time I'm leaving anyway, so it's just making me kind of sad. It's easy to want to leave when the campus is gray and muddy, but when it's a warm night, and the grass is warm and soft, and the lights make everything look just slightly enchanted, well, it just feels different.
okay, okay, so I've been skimping on actual writing in here lately... sue me. Have been trying not to spend too much time in front of my computer, but now I'm at work, and with not much to do actually, so I took another stupid quiz, and here it is:
woot... added an email form, there's a link to it under the list of ridiculous email addresses that I have. now y'all can email me without even leaving my site :) so you have no excuse... if your read my site, drop me a line and introduce yourself.
Saturday, April 13, 2002
what the hell, lets make it quiz day:
Take the What Kind of Slacker are you? Quiz
heeheehee... I normally refuse to do more than one quiz in a day, but dammit I'm bored, and I love this movie :)
which "monty python and the holy grail" character are you?
this quiz was made by colleen
Todays topic brought to you by the topics blog.
what is your ideal career path, if you've got one? is there anything you *never* want to do as a job?
This is a toughie, as there are so many things I want to do with my life. I'd like to be a college professor, and that's probably the long term career I'll steadily work toward the most, but aside from that, there are a lot of side projects that constantly roll around in my head. Phug and the Crown and I were supposed to launch our mag by now... hasn't actually happened yet, but I'm determined to work on it this summer. I think it would be amazing to run a magazine, bring together a lot of talented people and coordinate their abilities into a really entertaining, enlightening finished product. Not to mention all of the opportunities it would open up if approached correctly, including travel and moving in circles of creative people. In that same vein, I wouldn't really mind being a photographer, either, especially if I could do it well enough to shoot for a magazine like National Geographic or Time.
And now for something completely different... For a while now I've thought it would be really cool to own my own witchy shop... like with tons of herbs, homemade soaps and candles, all sorts of curious items... Maybe wander around in billowy clothing with a wizened, knowing look...
Of course, if I fail miserably at all of these, I'm going to either move to a tree house in Zimbabwe and photography apes for the rest of my life, or go to Europe and become a travelling street performer, my chief talent being composing limericks that begin "There once was a man from..."
And as for jobs I *wouldn't* want? Nothing in civil service or food service, and I really hate office work as it bores me to tears... so if I can avoid those, I think I'll be ok.
So I got my pictures developed, and there are a few decent ones, so I'm putting them in with the propaganda shipment.
I also purchased Ghostbusters on DVD. heh.
Celtic Goddess of Poetry.
I'm a freaky writer type that doesn't like to leave the house. I'm probably a lot smarter than you.
What Celtic Goddess are You?
Quiz by Aoibhell
Friday, April 12, 2002
Tried to post this last night, maybe it'll work now.
So I just got out of the shower, and my skin is really soft, and I smell like a bunch of Sweet Peas thanks to bath and body works... It's really nice, too, not nauseatingly sweet, and not at all alcoholish like some scented things... just soft, like the scent of flowers that has been spreading all over campus this week.
I spent today in a daze, mostly. Woke up to the sound of construction since they're installing a new parking lot next to my dorm. Oh, joy. Went to a meeting for job one that really could have been handled through emails. Not sure why they made me show up when nothing of any importance was actually said. Went to job two where the only thing on my plate was to email a bunch of people who've requested web help. Emailed them all then checked my email for replies every half hour or so, got one, and it didn't lead to any actual work, so mainly I spent 4 hours surfing the net, looking at stuff about medium and large format photography, posting in here, reading other peoples blogs, staring out the window periodically, and just being bored in general. Well, bored and a bit down, as staring at the computer screen tends to remind me that it's been a while since I last heard from M.L. Last word was that he's extremely busy, though, so I'm not really surprised, just missing him is all. Still working on propaganda package two, now with secret weapon.
After work went to dinner. As it turns out, someone was raped in another dorm last night. Then, after the guy raped her, he got the pulp knocked out of him by persons unknown, and it was so bad he got surgery for it today. hmmmmm... At the moment they don't suspect any of the students from my school of knocking him to within an inch of his life. The way I see it there are three possibilities, a) a chatham boyfriend found out about it and did the honors, b) the girl or her friends made a few calls and assisted outside parties in "gaining access" to the building, or c) chatham students did it, which isn't really impossible... I've seen some of the girls on this campus, and especially in that particular dorm... I wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of them, let me tell you. So at the info meeting at dinner, the administration basically insinuated that the girl who was raped was responsible because she invited the guy to her room, and reminded us that the persons unknown must have been let in too as there was no sign of forced entry, and how we all need to be careful of who gets into our dorms. So let me get this straight. Someone comes in a beats the shit out of a rapist and I'm supposed to mourn the fact that they got into the building? Right, hold your breath on that one guys. Meanwhile, senor rapist hasn't even had charges filed against him, and it sounds as if the police are only dealing with the case of his assault, not the chatham students... this sound a bit phucked up to anyone but me? Methinks this womens college has some messed up priorities.
So the weathers been really nice for the past few days, and I've pretty much been leaving my windows open, only tonight that resulted in a plague of moths gaining entry to my room... (well, 2 moths, but seriously...) So I ushered the little buggers outside, where they may resume their moth-like duties in peace somewhere away from me. (Thats my policy with bugs... I try to get them out of my dwelling peacefully. If they don't cooperate, however, it's the shoe.)
Okay, now I've run out of things to say, so I'm going to bed now.
Thursday, April 11, 2002
Oh, and I forgot to expound on the changes I'm thinking of making... I'm thinking of taking on minors in Computer Info Systems and Photography. I thought briefly about graphic design, but looking at Humboldts graphic design program, it's more about product/ad/packaging design, not about anything I'd be interested in, and anyway I want to take some photography classes, maybe even get into medium format.
By the way... you know you're bored at work when you're playing with tape to keep yourself amused.
I talked to the parental unit last night when I called to make sure that everything had gone alright and that my sister was, in fact, home safe. Turns out everything is fine. In the course of the conversation I actually found that she's not irritated with me about the whole money thing. See, she was sick the day I called her to ask her about it, but she had gone to work anyway because she'd already taken the day before that off to take my sister and OTB to the airport. So, while she sounded really irritated about it, and even more so the second time, it was because it was bad news at a bad time, not because she was pissed at me or thought it was my fault. In fact, now she's being even more agreeable about it. I proposed that we try and save up the amount over the summer to put it back in her IRA. It's entirely possible, seeing as how we would have had to come up with the money either way. This ordeal just makes it a little more pressing. So I figure if we just go on like we're going to have to pay it off later, we'll save up the money to be replaced in her account. Now, granted, this is my mother and I, so it may well not happen that way, but that doesn't mean it's entirely futile to try, so who knows. Hell, if all else fails I can sell my eggs or plasma. Yay for biological prostitution. (In case you don't know me or this isn't obvious enough, that was a joke. I hate going to the dr for a checkup, really think I'd voluntarily go under the knife or have my blood drawn and then replaced again? not likely.)
Took the second half of my Java exam yesterday, but I don't know yet what I got on it. I think I did pretty well, everything compiled and ran correctly, so here's hoping I get a decent grade. I was getting an A in the class as of mid-terms, so I should be doing alright.
Other than that, surprise surprise, things are really boring right now.
This is going to be the longest/fastest month ever... why, you may ask, dear reader? Long, because I'm really lonely right now... no sister here to hug me and make me feel better. Long because next year is still currently up in the air. Long because I want to go home. And still, it will seem really short when it's over, maybe even when it's in progress, because I have to prepare for my finals, squeeze a semesters worth of involvement into one month in the FYWS class I'm mentoring, get all my stuff packed up, scramble to get my transcripts sent, and work out exactly what I want to do with myself at Humboldt, because I feel big change coming on. Also, it's my last month with my friends here, so once it's gone I'm going to wonder where the time went.
I shot some actual film pictures while my sister was here, so I'm hoping to get them developed shortly. I'll post the good ones.
Wednesday, April 10, 2002
oh, and just because I'm random, here are some pics of my new pet cat...
Tuesday, April 09, 2002
Well, she's gone home now, and everything is lonely and quiet now. I miss her so much :( Even my friends miss her tons. I really do have the most awesome sister ever. And since I can't really describe how great it was to have her here, or how much I really miss her... I'm just gonna post some pics taken during her stay. No real relevence, actually, just pictures.
eeeek! sun! *hissss*
the sibling unit
see? I am happier when she's around
isn't this the cutest, most poutarific pic ever?
Wendy and Amie basking in the sun
In semi-unrelated news, I'm working on the next shipment of propaganda for M.L.... and this time, I'm pulling out secret weapon number one.... muahahaha...
Monday, April 08, 2002
So the visit with my sister is almost over, and I miss her already. Tomorrow I have to take her to the airport, and it's going to tear me up to watch her leave, but at least I'll be home in a little over a month. I just wish I wasn't so damn busy, because I want to be able to spend every minute with her, but I have so much crap to do, like the java test I had to study for today. She came with me to the library to study, and played some games on the computer next to me, and swore that she wouldn't rather be hanging out with OTB, but she just looked so bored and I felt so bad. I wanted her to be there with me, but I wish I could have more time to do fun stuff with her. I don't even want to think about her leaving :( Tonight is her last night here and I have pre-calc homework... urgh... At least next year I'll be able to spend more time with her.
Sometimes I feel like a total work-in-progress. There are so many things I want to be, and do, and accomplish, and sometimes it's really overwhelming and I wonder if I'll ever be able to fulfill it all. And some of my goals are pitifully simple, like keeping my room neat, and some of them are ridiculously complex, even delving into the impossible, like I think it would be cool if I could levitate. And sometimes I really feel like I'm waiting for something to happen, like once the pieces fall into the right places, it will all make sense and I can move forward in a relatively linear fashion with a sense of purpose and a sense of what the world is as it relates to me. I'm not even sure, really, what all this is that I'm waiting for, it's just one of those "I hope to recognize it when it's happened" type of things. Is it stability I'm waiting for? Maybe. Maybe it'll be when I'm living in a ridiculously cool house with things all over it that speak of me. Maybe when I have a job that doesn't feel temporary? I think it's mainly because my life has always felt like this constant state of upheaval, nothings ever been concrete, and every movement and direction has always had a clear end in sight that's led to another temporary movement. I have a feeling that I'm perched in the limbo between adolesence and adulthood, and while everyone else sees me as an adult (or at least I'd like to think so), I still don't qualify in my own opinion. Maybe one day when I'm forty it'll just creep up on me suddenly.
And now that I'm about to leave PA, the same old uncertainty is filling my head. Where is it, exactly, that I belong? Cause it's not in L.A., I know that. L.A. makes me feel like I'm swimming in a sea of lost people. And it's not Whittier either. Whittier is too full of people that remind me of things that don't exactly comfort me. It's too much the sleepy little town where my life has been turbulent in many ways. Besides, it's creepy to be somewhere in town and keep running into people I went to high school with who either never left, or have come back to roost. And who knows if it will be Northern California. The areas in California where I could see myself staying are the type that would require things falling into place in just the right way. Like if I won the lottery, or was hired to teach at Humboldt or UCSC. And then there would be the issue of isolation, at least until I could find like minds. I don't think I could live in London for lots of reasons, not the least of which is that people just don't meet new people there... especially if they happen to be American. Not to mention the tense feeling that seems to press down upon everything. Funny, I used to think that the more I traveled, the more likely I would find a place that fit me well, but it hasn't actually worked that way. And the fact that people are more important to me than place complicates things a little, because my family is in CA, and I have friends both there and in PA. It's really started to hit me recently how bad I'm going to miss my friends here, especially WotWot and the GBD.
I think the biggest issue I have at the moment is uncertainty. Nothing seems solid or definite, and I seem to be unable to make assumptions when it comes to anything, really. I do really well in the academic arena, but when it comes to interpreting people and situations that have a direct and significant influence on my goals, desires, and state of mind, I am almost ridiculously timid. I won't jump to conclusions, I won't make assumptions. I won't even put puzzle pieces together without someone telling me specifically where they go. I can dream, and imagine, and try to logically come up with the most plausible conclusion, but in the end, plausibility doesn't lead to a decision on my part. Like right now, chances are that once I get all the application b.s. done with Humboldt, I'm probably going to get accepted. My gpa and SAT scores are likely enough to get me into a fairly prestigious private college. But will I let myself believe it? Not until the letter is in my hand telling me it's a done deal. And I could apply that same formula to a handful of situations in my life at the moment.
Hopefully this summer I'll be able to relax a bit, and if not get a supreme handle on things, at least put myself back into perspective (well, which perspective? not sure it actually matters.)
Saturday, April 06, 2002
Sorry I haven't updated to clarify the last post before the friday five... Blogger has not been letting me update, so hopefully this time it will work.
See, three weeks ago, Humboldt told me that my application was complete and up for review, and that I'd have an answer within three weeks. So I called yesterday to find out if they'd reached a verdict, only to be told that they now need my fall transcripts as well? Would have been nice if they would have sent me something to that effect, but I checked with Chatham and they won't release my transcripts because I owe them money, quite a lot in fact. So much that I have no real way of getting it in a timely fashion, so I freaked out. Well, as it happens, my mom, thank god, is willing to take the money out of her IRA account so that I can get my transcripts and have it all taken care of, so I don't have to get paranoid. Now I just feel like shit for asking her to do that. I hate being a financial burden to my family, and it doesn't make me feel very good about myself at the moment, so I don't really want to think about it right now, but at least there's a means to take care of this.
Also, things are better as far as the crampedness of things. OTB has been bunking next door with my neighbors, though now he has found someone to occupy daylight hours with, so he's out of my hair, at least for the most part. Yay for that. I even managed to get some of my homework done today.
So I'm still here, and if I can just survive until next week, I think I'll be doing ok.
1. What are the first things that you do in the morning to start your day? hit the snooze button a few dozen times.
2. What are the last things that you do at night before going to bed? you mean before or after my neighbors wake me up at 2 a.m.? hmmmm... wish evil on this sorry excuse for a college.
3. What daily routine have you recently added to your day? as of today, seeing just how tense I can make myself within a twenty four hour stretch.
4. What routine do you wish you get rid of? waking up and still being here.
5. What's the one thing that makes you feel like something is missing if you don't do it some point within your day? make the face at wot wot.
Friday, April 05, 2002
so between humboldt and chatham, i'm being told to bend over and grab my ankles
i hate my life
i wish i was dead
Thursday, April 04, 2002
I'm starting to think that this was, perhaps, not the best idea in the world... I'm having a marvelous time with my sister, and OTB is being shockingly well behaved, but I feel like my peace of mind is being impinged upon (is that actually a word, impinged? I'm too lazy, and it sounds like a word, so if it's not, it should be.) I guess when you come right down to it, I've changed a whole lot since I came out here for school, and the me that everyone back there knows the best is the one who left two years ago, not the one thats here and now. I mean, sure, I've been back there since I came here, but only for the summers and christmas, and it's always been during vacations, so that doesn't even count when you think about it. I'm calmer here, more settled I think, and more at ease with myself because I'm not near the things that categorized the turbulence of my teenage years. But now it's like a reminder of all of the things I have worked so hard to get over has spilled into this place, and it doesn't feel the same. Granted, I bitch about being here all the time, and I don't want to stay, but at the very least it has offered me peace and quiet and a place to be alone when I need to. And I can feel that I'm acting different, and that really pisses me off. I mean, if the two of them visiting thrusts my personality into this much upheaval, then what does that say about me? Am I really that weak? Maybe once I get a better nights sleep I'll feel better. It has been really nice getting normally scheduled doses of Amie hugs, however. She's currently sleeping in my cubby of a closet, and it's unspeakably cute. God, I've missed her so much. And everyone here adores her too, which is awesome. Right now things are ok, because my neighbors (they of the "we have an extra bed" fame) have adopted OTB, so I'm getting a break, and Amie is reading quietly (couldn't fall asleep), which means I'll be able to study in peace and get a good nights sleep tonight. Not sure what this weekend is gonna be like, though hopefully I'll be able to hold on to my sanity. It would be nice if they had come when I was out of school, easier to manage and such, but I'm sure we'll have a good time in the end. I think most of my uneasiness is internal conflict that I need to deal with, and sticking to my guns so as not to slip back into old habits. Hopefully Humboldt, if I get in, will allow me to find the medium ground between too close and too far, and between overload and seclusion. But if nothing else, the past 24 hours have made me acutely aware of how much I will miss the friends I've made here... sooooo much.
p.s.~ to the Crown and the Phugmeister, I got your postcards. You guys rock hardcore, they really made me smile.
Wednesday, April 03, 2002
Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You were born bearing the burden of original sin, but that has not stopped you from indulging in several hundred derivative types.
via the onion
Monday, April 01, 2002
silly mood swings...
wish M.L. were here...
Ugh... so 9 days without school for Spring Break 2002, and what do I have to show for it?
stories involving police? none, unless you count living vicariously through GBD
days spent near water? zero
homework completed? one section of java
*sigh* I really AM pathetic.
new survey thingy a la wendylady:
12 things that annoy you:
+ my next-door neighbors
+ Pennsylvanias idea of Mexican food
+ codependant people
+ all-female environments
+ porno spam
+ being around certain members of my family for too long
+ bad covers of good songs
+ stupid people
11 people you'd want to spend more time with:
+ Stiva Diva
+ Big Bruddah Mikey
+ my sister
+ Mary Beth
+ my Mum
10 things you're looking forward to:
+ long road trips in CA
+ going to Humboldt *crosses fingers*
+ this summer
+ the impending arrival of OTB and the sibling unit
+ seeing my car again
+ being near the ocean again
+ rappelling off the buildings at Humboldt
+ enacting my plans for world domination
+ launching Mockery
+ rounding out my photography portfolio at Humboldt
9 things you wear daily:
+ my doc martens mary janes
+ my crystal necklace from Stiva Diva
+ some variety of t-shirt
+ body spray called newly bathed baby
+ zippered sweatshirt
+ girly-type underthingies
8 movies you'd watch over and over:
+ practical magic
+ jesus christ superstar
+ breakfast club
+ say anything
+ nightmare before christmas
+ interview with the vampire
+ ferris beulers day off
6 objects you touch every day:
+ my hair
+ my computer
+ various and sundry books
+ my journal
+ my id card
+ my phone
5 things you do every day:
+ compose something... blog entries, journal entries, emails, mental screenplays
+ spend time with my friends
+ wish I were somewhere else
4 foods that you couldn't live without:
+ carne asada burritos from Molcasalsa
+ chicken quesadillas from Del Taco
+ mashed potatos
+ sweet and sour chicken
3 of your favorite songs at this moment:
+ "wild horses" the sundays
+ "time after time" everything but the girl
+ "the promise" tracy chapman
2 people that have influenced your life the most:
+ my aunt fran
+ my mother
1 person you could spend the rest of your life with:
+ that remains to be seen, as I'd like to think that the rest of my life is a very long time.